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How do kollel wives do it?
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amother
Lightblue


 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 7:57 am
amother [ Currant ] wrote:
OP I feel like I could relate to you a little bit because I live in an expensive area too. It's hard for me to see my friends much bigger apartments in Lakewood for 2/3 of the price!

How we do it -

I have a good job. Mostly everyone around me works full days and not as secretaries. It's encouraged in our community to get an education for a well paying job to support your husband.

I don't have parental help in the sense that they give me a check but they are supporting me in a little ways. I'm still on the phone plan, my car is on their insurance, and I'm on their health insurance until 26.

We live very simply. While in other places every kollel wife is walking around with a doona, here it's only a handful. Some people have newer cars but it's SO normal to drive a clunker (as we do). We don't spend a lot on clothing at all. The most with it people here shop on Shein lol. I'm sure I could think of more examples but it's really just a type. It could be hard to live frugally unless you live somewhere like this. Spending $50 on shoes is not considered living simply around here.

If you can keep your taxable income low with parsonage (by teaching kodesh in a school) then you can still qualify for food stamps and Medicaid so that's helpful. A lot of people here work for the DOE or larger companies so there's all the benefits included with those.

People here work very full time and it's normal to send to a very full day playgroup. A regular playgroup ends at 4 and even then some babysitters pick up. I actually don't know anyone that doesn't work on Fridays here so that would help too.

I do think that hourly therapists have it the worst. No benefits, no time off. The only thing that's good about it is the flexibility.

When I was barely making enough to live on, every dollar was needed. If there was a being on time to seder bonus of $100 a month we made sure to get that. My husband got every bonus there was Smile. Now that he got into the kollel part of the Yeshiva (about 3 years in) we get a 10k kollel check! It was raised from 6k, it's the most exciting news!

I'm for sure not thinking of enough examples but bH it really works out. How we are going to buy a house only Hashem knows but right now it's not something that we feel we should worry about.

In CC there is a a really big push for the women to have good jobs so that is the answer there usually. ( not always)
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amother
Lightblue


 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 8:02 am
mra01385 wrote:
Firstly, I wanted to say that Parnassah is 100% from hashem. No matter if one is learning in kollel or working. We are just doing our hishtadlus the way we feel is right. Look at all the stimulus checks now that everyone is getting. That is really from hashem.
Secondly, In a house with one income the only difference is if a wife works rather than the husband is that the wife still has most of house and childcare on her shoulders even when she is pregnant and taking care of babies.
Thirdly, How do the wives make money when they take off for maternity leave? Also, many kollel wives are working very hard at their jobs, then coming home to take care of kids and house. How do they have the energy to do all this especially with no cleaning help and no husband help if the husband is learning from morning til night. Another thing is when do the husband and wife spend time together on a date if the husband working or learning every night?

The husbands in kollel do a lot in the house and shoulder a lot of the burden usually.
That’s how the kollel model works. Also when everyone is doing everything together in your community it makes it much easier for the mothers. For example on Sunday afternoon when all husbands are in seder and everyone’s kids are playing outside; the burden feels lighter. People in kollel do have cleaning help but obviously not for many hours etc.
Although of course many do not. I spent much more time with dh when he was in kollel then now when he is working. Life in kollel is simpler and it really works itself out!
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mra01385




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 8:15 am
Lightblue when do mothers have time to tutor or work at night if they’re busy with their kids til their in bed which can be around 8 or 8:30, and what happens if their are teenagers where the kids are up til much later?
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amother
Lightblue


 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 8:22 am
mra01385 wrote:
Lightblue when do mothers have time to tutor or work at night if they’re busy with their kids til their in bed which can be around 8 or 8:30, and what happens if their are teenagers where the kids are up til much later?

I never tutored at night personally and I don’t know anyone in kollel who did. I didn’t work full time and I prioritized my kids over much in my life.
Most people are in kollel when their kids are very young so the kids go to sleep early so they have a night to get work done. Most people aren’t in kollel when their kids are teenagers but how those families do it I’m really not sure! But there are those that make it work long term and that’s very special!
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amother
Currant


 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 8:28 am
mra01385 wrote:
Firstly, I wanted to say that Parnassah is 100% from hashem. No matter if one is learning in kollel or working. We are just doing our hishtadlus the way we feel is right. Look at all the stimulus checks now that everyone is getting. That is really from hashem.
Secondly, In a house with one income the only difference is if a wife works rather than the husband is that the wife still has most of house and childcare on her shoulders even when she is pregnant and taking care of babies.
Thirdly, How do the wives make money when they take off for maternity leave? Also, many kollel wives are working very hard at their jobs, then coming home to take care of kids and house. How do they have the energy to do all this especially with no cleaning help and no husband help if the husband is learning from morning til night. Another thing is when do the husband and wife spend time together on a date if the husband working or learning every night?


I can only answer for myself and my friends, I don't know how they do it in places with low salaries.

Most people either get a paid maternity leave or 2/3 or a mixture of both (2 weeks paid the rest partial). Even hourly therapists now are getting paid something because of PFL in NY. Some companies pay full the whole time. I have a friend who's an actuary, she gets something like 12 weeks paid. Like I said many people here have good, professional jobs and often they come with perks in this area.

Some of us do budget for things like cleaning help. I may not spend money on clothes but I'll do things that will help make these kollel years a time where I don't feel stressed and resentful. Like if I'm sick and nauseous and can't make supper I'll ask my husband to pick up sandwiches on the way home. Or I'll have a cleaning lady come when I'm bombarded with work and literally don't have time to clean.

Date nights happen on Tuesday nights here. I'm lucky that I have a single sil living in my community who offered weekly babysitting services Smile. In our Yeshiva date nights are encouraged and missing one night seder a week is acceptable for it. Other than date nights we have supper from 7:30-9 and Friday afternoon/Shabbos/motzai Shabbos. Also bein hazmanim is a big deal. There's weeks at a time that we just spend as a family.

Regarding my husband's help - I find my husband to be many times more helpful than his friends that work. He's out at 7:30 and is off from 1:15-2:45 then out again from 2:45 to 7:30. His schedule is flexible if need be. I'll send him to the supermarket and other errands during his lunch. He usually straightens up after maariv at night. He gets my daughter ready for the bus before he goes to Shachris because that's his one time of day with her. Friday afternoons he's home after chatzos and super helpful. The only time I find it hard without my husbands help is supper and bedtime.

All in all, regarding seeing my husband I don't feel like if he'd be working it would be better.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 8:28 am
mra01385 wrote:
Lightblue when do mothers have time to tutor or work at night if they’re busy with their kids til their in bed which can be around 8 or 8:30, and what happens if their are teenagers where the kids are up til much later?


Each family works differently.
But I will say that the 8 years my husband was in kollel, he was able to spend a lot of time with me and help.
He would daven at 6:30 and help me get the kids ready. I would leave at 8:15 and he'd do a load and the dishes, get the kids to their babysitters and playgroups and get to Yeshiva by 9:30.
2- he'd pick the kids up, play with them, make himself a sandwich, give the kids snacks. Once a week (Wednesday)he would take all the kids to the grocery. He would do well visits then also.
I'd come home at 4, he'd leave to Yeshiva. I would make supper, play, baths, fold laundry, park.
He would come home at 7:30. The kids (under 6) were bathed. He would do shema, tuck in, extra drinks, etc. Then we would have supper just the two of us.
He'd leave at 8:45-10:45 to a well-paying Chavrusa.
I would do an extra hour of work at home, some cleaning, laundry.

Friday he finished at 12 and would clean the bathrooms and wash the floors.

Sunday, 2-4 we would go as a family to the park

It was hard and exhausting and we needed to be organized.
But we were partners in the house, the kids, the chores, and the learning and the finances.
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amother
Hyacinth


 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 11:40 am
keym wrote:
Each family works differently.
But I will say that the 8 years my husband was in kollel, he was able to spend a lot of time with me and help.
He would daven at 6:30 and help me get the kids ready. I would leave at 8:15 and he'd do a load and the dishes, get the kids to their babysitters and playgroups and get to Yeshiva by 9:30.
2- he'd pick the kids up, play with them, make himself a sandwich, give the kids snacks. Once a week (Wednesday)he would take all the kids to the grocery. He would do well visits then also.
I'd come home at 4, he'd leave to Yeshiva. I would make supper, play, baths, fold laundry, park.
He would come home at 7:30. The kids (under 6) were bathed. He would do shema, tuck in, extra drinks, etc. Then we would have supper just the two of us.
He'd leave at 8:45-10:45 to a well-paying Chavrusa.
I would do an extra hour of work at home, some cleaning, laundry.

Friday he finished at 12 and would clean the bathrooms and wash the floors.

Sunday, 2-4 we would go as a family to the park

It was hard and exhausting and we needed to be organized.
But we were partners in the house, the kids, the chores, and the learning and the finances.


Don't have time to comment on the whole thread, but yes, this. My husband does equal or more than me in the house. That is a huge part of how we manage.
Our schedule is similar to the above.

I am currently at work 4 hours before shabbos trying to catch up from the last crazy month and he is home watching the kids, making food and (hopefully) cleaning.

Also, I really, really admire those who can live so simply. I can't. I would be miserable if I had to price compare in the grocery. Obviously, I don't blow money and I try to be careful, but I don't have the bandwith to be so frugal. I don't mind working hard, but I need to be able to buy what we need (food, clothing, toiletries etc.) without worrying about the price.
We will continue kollel as long as we can.
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 11:42 am
thx for all responses
again due to my license I can only work for yvy is this specific school
no summers working either
I have another year to go

I was only able to take off 6 weeks maternity bc I didnt qualify for paid family leave. I got a measly 170$ a week. I went back to work in pain and bleedong Twisted Evil
if my husband wasnt working we would have been in a lot more trouble

as it is money is so so tight I have to second gues everythign I buy

my husband isnt in kollel and im an slp yet I live in poverty

it just makes me so upset. I want to work for the doe next year once im done with my hours.
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 11:45 am
I make too much to qualify for all these programs even tho I walk away with 3500 a month most months
I feel like it would just be worthwhile to join a kollel to recieve these benefits
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 11:51 am
amother [ Charcoal ] wrote:
I'm a speech therapist in Brooklyn, and my husband learned in kollel for 7 years. We actually managed to save a lot during our kollel years (no family support). I have a few suggestions:

1. You really need to see if you can work more hours. I have always worked Fridays, and the extra hours really do add up (assuming $180 per Friday x 4 Fridays per month= another $720 per month. That can make a dent in paying one of your monthly bills).
Are you sure you can't work afternoons? I have friends/family members in Far Rockaway, and some of them definitely work afternoons. You may have to ask around and do a lot of research to find a babysitter, but it exists.
And if afternoons really are not an option, can you do some extra cases in the evening? I have always done evening cases (either the student came to me or we did it on zoom when remote therapy was allowed).
And what about Sundays? Does your agency have a center/clinic that is open on Sundays?
Look, I'm not saying that it's easy or fun to work so much. It isn't. It's very, very hard. But adding
more hours a week can really make a difference in your monthly budget.

2. Does your husband receive a kollel paycheck? My husband always learned in kollelim that paid.

3. Can your husband take on any side jobs? My husband had early morning, evening, and Shabbos jobs. They didn't all pay that much, but it all added up. It was not an easy schedule, but that is how we paid the bills and saved.

4. You really need to live very, very simply. We lived in a tiny $1000 basement. I'm not saying you should move, but I know kollel couples in Far Rockaway who live in basements for less than $2000.



I cant take on private cases I dont have my c's yet.
he is not in kollel hes unemployed atm learning a new trade and learns in the evenings
rent in far rockaway is not 1000. ive lived here 2 years and im in all the chats. even basement apartments are 1850 now. the prices went up
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 11:53 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I cant take on private cases I dont have my c's yet.
he is not in kollel hes unemployed atm learning a new trade and learns in the evenings
rent in far rockaway is not 1000. ive lived here 2 years and im in all the chats. even basement apartments are 1850 now. the prices went up


This should be temporary as you should be out of your CF year after one year, right?
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 11:57 am
allthingsblue wrote:
This should be temporary as you should be out of your CF year after one year, right?


thats what I thought!
all my friends from grad school finished in a year. I was pregnant last year when I started my cfy. you need a certain amount of hours (over 1000) and with all my kids absences, chagim, class trips I only got like 650 hours and I was working 9-5! I also only took off 6 weeks for maternity leave.
so iyh at the end of this year... and im still waiting to fill up my caseload now... takes awhile for things to settle
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amother
Mintcream


 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 1:36 pm
Daven to Hashem to help you!!
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Batsheva1




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 2:03 pm
Full time work is 40 hours a week. That's 160 hours a month. $60x160= $9600 You work very part time. I'm not understanding your question. In order to "make it" you can't manage on part time work. That is why people work full time. They may not want to, but they have to in order to make enough to pay the bills.
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amother
Charcoal


 

Post Sat, Oct 16 2021, 6:45 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I cant take on private cases I dont have my c's yet.
he is not in kollel hes unemployed atm learning a new trade and learns in the evenings
rent in far rockaway is not 1000. ive lived here 2 years and im in all the chats. even basement apartments are 1850 now. the prices went up


The cases that I have done in the evenings/Sundays were not always private cases. Some of them them were through my agency. Your agency can assign cases that you will do evenings/sundays. Agency cases do not always have to be done in a school setting

And that's totally crazy that basements are already up to 1850. But if you're gonna live in such an expensive area then you need to have an income to match that, and the only way to get that income is by working more hours

Is there any way your husband can bring in any income? Part time job, temporary job, side job....even something small can make a difference
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Oct 16 2021, 6:48 pm
amother [ Charcoal ] wrote:
The cases that I have done in the evenings/Sundays were not always private cases. Some of them them were through my agency. Your agency can assign cases that you will do evenings/sundays. Agency cases do not always have to be done in a school setting

And that's totally crazy that basements are already up to 1850. But if you're gonna live in such an expensive area then you need to have an income to match that, and the only way to get that income is by working more hours

Is there any way your husband can bring in any income? Part time job, temporary job, side job....even something small can make a difference


I travel to brooklyn for my school and when I asked for some PM EI cases in either bk or far rockaway they told me they have nothing open
ive tried
whatever... ill just tough it out until I get my c's and then im done with agencies. I really want to work for doe

my husband is training now hes out of the house at 6:30 am and home by 8 pm. theres no time for any side jobs. he'll start earning money in about a months time

and yep far rockaway is really really expensive...
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amother
Charcoal


 

Post Sat, Oct 16 2021, 6:51 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
thx for all responses
again due to my license I can only work for yvy is this specific school
no summers working either
I have another year to go

I was only able to take off 6 weeks maternity bc I didnt qualify for paid family leave. I got a measly 170$ a week. I went back to work in pain and bleedong Twisted Evil
if my husband wasnt working we would have been in a lot more trouble

as it is money is so so tight I have to second gues everythign I buy

my husband isnt in kollel and im an slp yet I live in poverty

it just makes me so upset. I want to work for the doe next year once im done with my hours.


I work for YvY also. I don't understand why you can only work in one specific school.

During your cf you have to stick with one employer, which is yeled, but it doesn't necessarily have to only be in one school.

They have a few therapy centers, can you request cases in one of their centers on Sundays?

Last year when remote was allowed they assigned me some cases that I did on zoom in the evenings (I don't know what the deal with remote is this year but you can ask them).

And there is definitely work in the summer. I always had cases in the summer. It wasn't always easy, the locations/schedules weren't always ideal, and I had to travel between sites. But we needed the money so I did it
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amother
Charcoal


 

Post Sat, Oct 16 2021, 6:55 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I travel to brooklyn for my school and when I asked for some PM EI cases in either bk or far rockaway they told me they have nothing open
ive tried
whatever... ill just tough it out until I get my c's and then im done with agencies. I really want to work for doe

my husband is training now hes out of the house at 6:30 am and home by 8 pm. theres no time for any side jobs. he'll start earning money in about a months time

and yep far rockaway is really really expensive...


Oh sorry I didn't realize your husband was out at training a whole day. I thought it was an evening thing. Then he really can't work now but hopefully its just temporary.

It does sound like you tried everything and it's really tough. The bottom line is that even though speech therapy (and all therapies really) are promoted in the frum community as such amazing, lucrative jobs, in reality they are not. Honestly if I could do it all over I would not do speech.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Oct 16 2021, 6:57 pm
amother [ Charcoal ] wrote:

It does sound like you tried everything and it's really tough. The bottom line is that even though speech therapy (and all therapies really) are promoted in the frum community as such amazing, lucrative jobs, in reality they are not. Honestly if I could do it all over I would not do speech.


me too!!! I only went into speech because I was told I'd be making so much money and its flexible. Well it is flexible, but I dont make so much LOL I think the only way to make money for any of the therapies is to work for the DOE. Which also has it downsides. Oh well. You cant with them all. Im grateful I have a job bh...

I was thinking after my cfy to maybe try a hospital setting. I wonder how much slps make there.
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amother
Brown


 

Post Sat, Oct 16 2021, 7:17 pm
Off topic but what field would you recommend or is there another field that pays better with same flexibility?
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