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Uncomfortable incident/feelings
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 7:35 pm
DH and I host pretty much every week. The crowd is ba’alei teshuvah singles/couples type, and most of them learn or have learned with my husband.
Recently, my mother came for shabbos, and we put her up in someone’s guest room. It’s a young(ish) couple, DH learns with the guy, and we’ve been meaning to have them over. My mother lost their extra key, and spent over a hour looking for it. She paid them for it etc., but the guy made an extremely rude and disrespectful comment to her. She told me, since she wanted me to know if I would put other people up there.
I’ve never met them. And I know we should invite them. But now I just have this very negative feeling towards the guy since he acted so rudely. Do I invite and try to ignore? This is the problem with lashon hara, but it was kind of l’toeles. Definitely not planning on putting other people up by them.
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amother
Peachpuff


 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 7:39 pm
If they have to change locks now, it's a hassle. Maybe offer to pay for a new lock for the door and replacement keys.
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lovingmommy3417




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 7:43 pm
Do you know what the comment was?
I would give them a chance at least. You dont know if he was already having a really hard day and then she lost the key. Everyone has weak moments.
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amother
Skyblue


 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 7:51 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
DH and I host pretty much every week. The crowd is ba’alei teshuvah singles/couples type, and most of them learn or have learned with my husband.
Recently, my mother came for shabbos, and we put her up in someone’s guest room. It’s a young(ish) couple, DH learns with the guy, and we’ve been meaning to have them over. My mother lost their extra key, and spent over a hour looking for it. She paid them for it etc., but the guy made an extremely rude and disrespectful comment to her. She told me, since she wanted me to know if I would put other people up there.
I’ve never met them. And I know we should invite them. But now I just have this very negative feeling towards the guy since he acted so rudely. Do I invite and try to ignore? This is the problem with lashon hara, but it was kind of l’toeles. Definitely not planning on putting other people up by them.


Ignore it. I've had guests lose my keys and it's not a simple thing. It's really really frustrating. I control myself most of the time, but I definitely get upset. I have to call a locksmith and change the locks and it's hundreds of dollars and time and hassle.
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amother
Azalea


 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 7:53 pm
Do people really change their locks if they lose a key? I would think that's a minor thing and no locks need to be changed.
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Persevere




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 7:54 pm
Very unfortunate experience!

Invite and try to ignore.

If he has anger issues, all the more so his wife could use any support and friendship you can extend.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 7:59 pm
I don’t get why someone needs to hire a locksmith if a key is lost. Unless the key has your address written on it I don’t get what the issue is
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amother
Daylily


 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 8:15 pm
tichellady wrote:
I don’t get why someone needs to hire a locksmith if a key is lost. Unless the key has your address written on it I don’t get what the issue is


Because she could have lost the key right by the house, and just because she can't find it doesn't mean someone won't see it.

It's one thing to say that you know the key was lost miles from the house, but since she doesn't know, I would have the locks changed and that is expensive and a hassle.
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amother
Petunia


 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 8:24 pm
You have company all the time, and you asked these people to host your mother, but you've never had them over. Maybe they're feeling used and he - wrongly - took that feeling out on your mother.

If they are changing the locks, then I think you do have to offer to pay.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 8:36 pm
amother [ Petunia ] wrote:
You have company all the time, and you asked these people to host your mother, but you've never had them over. Maybe they're feeling used and he - wrongly - took that feeling out on your mother.

If they are changing the locks, then I think you do have to offer to pay.


We’ve invited them a few times but they were busy.
I think I wrote in my OP my mother paid for the key, and she even offered to pay for the time to get it. The point is not the key.
yes, he could have had a bad day, but his comment was extremely rude. Especially to someone who could be his mother.
His comment was said, after she apologized profusely, communicating that she spent over an hour looking and offering to get it/pay for his time.
Yes, he has every reason to be annoyed. But to be so rude??
The comment was, “it BOGGLES my mind that you an be so irresponsible…”
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 8:46 pm
Ugh that is so hurtful!
It feels very bad knowing that someone was rude to your mother. She did not deserve that.

I think you should invite them and get to know them better. Right now you only know one thing about the husband. He is a one dimensional character for you. If you meet him perhaps you will see him as a whole person. Maybe he has some redeeming qualities.

I don't think there is any way for you to rectify your mother's hurt and shame. But at least you could work on your own feelings by trying to see if he has some redeeming qualities.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 8:51 pm
I guess it’s just hard to imagine giving to him and smiling at him etc so wholeheartedly
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 8:55 pm
amother [ Peachpuff ] wrote:
If they have to change locks now, it's a hassle. Maybe offer to pay for a new lock for the door and replacement keys.


I agree. Losing someone’s key is no small thing, it can invite robbery or need to pay for an expensive new lock. Not justifying if he was rude, but I understand his being upset.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 8:56 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We’ve invited them a few times but they were busy.
I think I wrote in my OP my mother paid for the key, and she even offered to pay for the time to get it. The point is not the key.
yes, he could have had a bad day, but his comment was extremely rude. Especially to someone who could be his mother.
His comment was said, after she apologized profusely, communicating that she spent over an hour looking and offering to get it/pay for his time.
Yes, he has every reason to be annoyed. But to be so rude??
The comment was, “it BOGGLES my mind that you an be so irresponsible…”


Paid for the key? You mean a dollar for a copy? No, she needs to pay for a new lock if they’re changing it which I’m sure they are,
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 8:56 pm
I’m not taking away from his feelings. It’s the reaction that’s as extremely uncalled for. And hard for me to look at him. Maybe I’m not used to people being rude What
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amother
IndianRed


 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 9:11 pm
I don't know the guy so maybe he has terrible middos. But if it makes a difference, DH is a generous kind person on the inside and in practice, but he sometimes says things that are insensitive. He's not sensitive and wouldn't take it that way if someone said it to him. I accidentally place something crooked and he might correct me and then go on to say things like, "it's not that difficult, I don't understand why it's so hard" which is hurtful to me.

He's coming from a place where certain things are easy for him and he thinks he's fixing the world by calling out mistakes. Like he somehow thinks that saying that will help me do better. So maybe in this neighbor's mind maybe he's super duper responsible, would take great pains not to lose something that belonged to someone else, and to him it's the equivalent of someone saying, "I lost the diamond bracelet you loaned me." I'm not saying his reaction was at all okay or appropriate, but without knowing anything else about him, maybe he has what to work on with emotional intelligence, but maybe he doesn't have terrible middos all around.
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amother
Stonewash


 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 9:29 pm
The man was wrong to talk to you mother so rudely. I assume she’s old enough to be his mother. OTOH we have to assume he was very upset and rightly so. It’s not like breaking a coffee mug, after all. ImLosing a house key is a very serious security breach. Your mother or you should pay—not just offer, but actually pay—for a locksmith to change the cylinder. They are at terrible risk for robbery or worse. The key may have been dropped very close to the house and it would be a cinch for an unscrupulous person to find it and try it out till they found the door that fits.

But although the man shouldn’t have said it, it was rather irresponsible. Someone else’s property you guard more than your own. Someone else’s house key you guard practically with your life. If I had been the homeowner I would have made nice verbally but I would never house your guests ever again. I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do but my family’s security comes first.
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amother
SandyBrown


 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 9:52 pm
Because something is upsetting it doesn't give one the right to act a certain way.
Yes, it's frustrating, time consuming and annoying to have to change a lock. So what?! Many things in life are upsetting. You don't get to be rude about it.
I had guests break my refrigerator without offering to pay for it. And guests doing damage that was time consuming and costly. It would never occur to me to speak to someone rudely, especially if they seemed genuinely apologetic and offered to pay.
I do think you should be Dan Lkaf Zchus this man though, and invite them over.
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amother
Dustypink


 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 9:57 pm
I can't imagine saying such a rude thing to someone. Especially a guest staying at my house who is the parent of my neighbor. No way. I personally wouldn't change the locks, but even if I thought I needed to, I'd suck it up and pay while being totally gracious. Dh would insist, if offered money from the neighbor or the mother, that absolutely not, no big deal, it can happen anytime to anyone. And we have no extra money, would have to pay it off slowly. That's basic Abc of derech eretz. I can imagine someone having bad manners and not being gracious and making the guest feel bad...but I truly can't imagine someone saying that to the face of the person who lost the key and obviously feels so bad and is expressing her apologies. **That** boggles my mind completely.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Oct 17 2021, 10:21 pm
amother [ Dustypink ] wrote:
I can't imagine saying such a rude thing to someone. Especially a guest staying at my house who is the parent of my neighbor. No way. I personally wouldn't change the locks, but even if I thought I needed to, I'd suck it up and pay while being totally gracious. Dh would insist, if offered money from the neighbor or the mother, that absolutely not, no big deal, it can happen anytime to anyone. And we have no extra money, would have to pay it off slowly. That's basic Abc of derech eretz. I can imagine someone having bad manners and not being gracious and making the guest feel bad...but I truly can't imagine someone saying that to the face of the person who lost the key and obviously feels so bad and is expressing her apologies. **That** boggles my mind completely.


Thank you!! She paid for the key, offered to get it and offered to pay for the time getting it, she also is assuming it’s nowhere near the house since she looked extensively, the key had no marking so no one would be able to tell which house. All of you who are defending the guy- I’ve said before, I understand his feelings. But it’s NEVER ok to make such a rude comment to someone, especially if she’s double your age!! So rude!! I was shocked and so was DH
You treat people nicely and respectfully!! (They aren’t our neighbors but DH learns with the guy and it’s clear it’s the guy who’s benefiting.)
He has every right to be frustrated. But the way he talked to my mother was in a tone of treating her like a piece of dirt. She repeated it to me in the same tone he used.
I can be dan lkaf zechus about his feelings of frustration. But it’s hard to also be dlkz about saying such a comment. I’ve never in my life heard such a rude thing said to me.
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