Uncomfortable incident/feelings

amother

Ecru

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 9:24 am

OP, you weren't there.

I'm not saying your mother is lying or anything, but it's possible that had you been there, the comment wouldn't have sounded so bad. It's also possible that because she felt so bad about it and flustered, she took what he said harsher than how he meant it.

Please be dan l'kaf zechus. On the other hand, look out for similar behavior when he is around so you can be careful if it does continue.

octopus

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 10:30 am

imasinger wrote:

That is extremely rude and hurtful.

IMO, you and your DH are not the only ones involved in this work, and it would make sense to keep your distance for a while.

You can always reevaluate the decision after some time has passed.

This.

amother

Firethorn

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 10:44 am

I have never heard anyone who changes their locks because they lose a random key with no identification.

People change their locks when their purse is stolen or a key is taken with some form of identification to the residence but normally not when they lose a key even if they don't know where it was lost. A random burglar is not going to pick up a random key and then try every lock within the vicinity in the hope that it will work in a door.

I am sure locksmiths are delighted if people are spending money to change locks when there is absolutely no reason to do so.

Perhaps I am missing something but it appears that the host said it boggled his mind that she lost the key. I guess he could have said nothing or told her that it didn't matter but I am failing to see that what he said was so intensely rude as to banish him from all future human interaction. Very Happy

I would imagine he said it in a moment of frustration.

Although I guess it doesn't really matter but if someone trusted me with their key for any reason, I would go through extreme measures in order to avoid losing or misplacing it. My neighbor let me store items in an apartment they weren't using and I guarded the key with my life so to speak. Although I can be a bit absent minded I went through special pains to make sure that I triple checked that I was carrying it safely and when I came home the first thing I would do would be to place the key in a safe place so that I always knew where it was.

amother

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 11:04 am

moonstone wrote:

That was a terrible thing for him to say to your mother. I understand it was a pain to change the locks, but people lose things. It happens. It would be very hard for me to host someone who was so rude to my mother. At the very least, it would take me a long time to forgive him.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but was there a reason your mother couldn't stay at your house? I wouldn't have my mother sleep at someone else's house.

I have a two bedroom apartment:)

ora_43

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:40 pm

Wow yeah, I'd also be uncomfortable with his reaction. Even if losing a key is a huge inconvenience for him and he's going to switch out all his doors now, still, why the personal insults over something that was clearly a mistake?

I think there's a middle ground between deciding not to get to know him, and inviting him over right now. Give it time. See if he apologizes, or at least acts a little embarrassed. Maybe your dh could mention it - not what he said, but more like 'listen, about what happened with the key, please do tell us what your expenses were, [OP's mom] really does want to make this right." See what he says.

And see how you feel. Maybe in a month or so you'll feel like, OK, maybe this guy has a temper, or maybe in his house growing up 'how could you be so stupid???' was a normal response to someone else's mistake (sadly not uncommon), but I can still sit with him at a Shabbas table and feel OK with that. Or maybe you'll feel like you don't even want to see his face.

Basically, no need to decide the whole future of this relationship now.

amother

Cherry

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 3:16 pm

I'm a nice person and tend to be very forgiving but I would never want to invite someone over who was rude to my mother. Never! I would be horrified that anyone spoke that way to her after an honest mistake and attempts to apologize and make up for it. I'm not saying you have to hate the guy or assume the worst about him. Feel free to be Dan l'kaf zechus! Just saying personally I wouldn't want him around. I take middos very seriously and I don't allow people to treat me or my loved ones badly and just continue on as was.

SixOfWands

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 3:51 pm

kenz wrote:

People who try to break in can usually do so without a key. A random spare key lying on the floor with no markings is unlikely to invite burglary. If people are so stressed out about being broken into that they can’t sleep or control their feelings, they should put better security measures in place, like a dead bolt.

The dead bolt would have a key, and that key may have been lost.

I would be quite upset if a house guest lost my keys. That doesn't excuse the rudeness of his remark, of course.

amother

Begonia

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:38 pm

be dan likaf zechus. so he made a rude comment. I've had people say much worse things to me. it's not the end of the world. it's much worse to cut people out of your life and hate them forever for a comment that was once made.
and actually, the fact that your mother told you about it was loshon hara. the fact that you believed it was accepting loshon hara. every person criticizing him in this thread is saying loshon hara.
your mother might need to ask him forgiveness for saying loshon hara.
you might need to ask forgiveness for believing the loshon hara and for hating him in your heart.

amother

Hotpink

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:45 pm

watergirl wrote:

Another side note - it's been a long time since I've heard of people who host (and people who don't) using actual keys. Everyone I know who owns their homes has a combination lock. This eliminates the issue all together.

My first thought exactly. Keys are so last century LOL

Op I’d offer to add a combination lock instead of changing the current lock this way he’s done with the key problem in the future.

In either case, his comment was rude and inappropriate. It shouldn’t boggle anyone’s mind that a person made a human error. His middos are certainly lacking. While it probably wouldn’t effect whether I’d invite him in the future I’d definitely look at him through a different lens now. And I’d NEVER put up guest by him again!

SixOfWands

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:48 pm

watergirl wrote:

I don't know a soul who uses a combination lock.

Do you change the combination every week? Otherwise, there are how many people out there who can get into your home.

amother

Begonia

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:48 pm

goodness. I've heard so many rude comments in my life that this sounds like nothing to me. do all of you have such easy lives that you never hear rude comments and you never say anything rude to anyone ever? and is it so easy to say to never put up guests by someone? I don't even have anyone to put up guests by. If I had someone, I wouldn't cut them off for a rude comment.

amother

Lightcyan

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:50 pm

Op, I get you and your mom are justifiably upset over his comment regarding the loss of the key. And you're right, he shouldn't have said such a thing. It's something that could happen to anyone.
For the future, I think you should try and forget about his comment. He was obviously upset at the loss of the key. Maybe he only had 1 or 2 copies of it and now he's stuck until he can sort it out. I know we only have 2 copies of our house key where dh and I each have one. Once when dh managed to lose his keys (we knew they were somewhere in the house, just couldn't find them) it was really difficult. We had to be sure one of us was home or going to be home when the other needed and it was stressful.
I think because all your knowledge of this man is that he got upset at your mother, you're fixating on it. If you had known him before a bit more, you might have excused him or at least understood him.
How many times do we all make comments that we regret afterwards? He was really nice and hosted your mom, and it's hard when you do a chessed and it comes back to bite you.

amother

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:55 pm

amother [ Begonia ] wrote:

Wow. First of all, she said it l’toeles, since I’d definitely not want to put other people up at them, so it was good for me to m ow for the future. Second of all, no person here spoke lashon hara, since none of you know the name of the person I’m talking about. Third of all? Where did I mention hate?

amother

Begonia

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 6:00 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

you know who the person is, and you are reading the thread, so it's loshon hara that you are reading and they are saying.

it's pretty extreme to decide to never put up other people by them because of a rude comment.

amother

Impatiens

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 6:07 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

I don't know a soul who uses a combination lock.

Do you change the combination every week? Otherwise, there are how many people out there who can get into your home.

No, we don't change the combination every week or after every week that we host guests.
There are a lot of people who can get into our home, I can't come up with an exact figure. It's part of hachnassas orchim for us. We Baruch Hashem have not had a problem. I'm not recommending anyone else does this, just letting you know it's how we do things.