Uncomfortable incident/feelings

amother

Mauve

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 3:22 pm

OP I agree with amother ecru.
I'm not saying I don't believe your mother. I do believe that she wished for an understanding and sympathetic response and didn't receive it. But it's very possible that because she felt so bad, she misheard or misunderstood what was being said. It seems very odd for a young fellow to speak to a middle aged guest in such a rude way.
Could it be that he was talking quickly and maybe he was saying "I know you would never be irresponsible..." but she just heard the word irresponsible?
Maybe he's somewhat of a jokester and was trying to make her feel better, and made light of the conversation by sarcastically saying "how could you be so irresponsible?" which was meant to be followed by a laugh and a "it's an extra key that cost a dollar, don't worry about it" but she left so quickly he didn't have a chance to say it?
The comment seems so odd and out of character, I really think you should consider it a misunderstanding before judging him. I personally would have my husband ask him what his version of the story is, but if you're not comfortable with that just assume it didn't t happen the way your mother perceived it.

Petra

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:08 pm

I would not ask him to host anyone else. Definitely would invite him for a meal though.

As far as the comment, sounds rude to me but in a "I didn't learn all the social nuances when I was growing up" kind of way.

amother

Stonewash

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 6:37 pm

Petra wrote:

You think so? To say something like this to a woman who is probably old enough to be his mother? That goes beyond not learning all the social nuances. That violates a basic value of respect for one's elders. (Even if she is only in her late forties, which is possible.)

Petra

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 6:47 pm

amother [ Stonewash ] wrote:

I agree. Violates the basics. Meaning something prevented his learning normal social standards. Like ASD or mental health disorder...Purely my conjecture.

amother

Bluebell

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 6:50 pm

amother [ Begonia ] wrote:

goodness. I've heard so many rude comments in my life that this sounds like nothing to me. do all of you have such easy lives that you never hear rude comments and you never say anything rude to anyone ever? and is it so easy to say to never put up guests by someone? I don't even have anyone to put up guests by. If I had someone, I wouldn't cut them off for a rude comment.

Um yes I do expect people to be polite and pleasant and not talk to me rudely. I also don't talk rudely to others... Not sure where you live or who your friends are...

Bubby6

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 7:07 pm

amother [ Blush ] wrote:

Forget that guy! You are not obligated to host ANYONE who makes you uncomfortable. Your house, your rules.

His house, his rules. Giving a house key to someone is like trusting them with everything he owns there. Unfortunately OPs mom was extremely neglectful of what another person holds dear to them. To get invited into someone's home and then lose the key? That boggles ,my mind!
OP, great opportunity not to hold a grudge!

amother

Wandflower

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 7:14 pm

We can be very dklz for ourselves…but on our parents’ heshbon? Nope! Time and a place for everything! I would never bend over backward to side against our parents or undermine their experience Chas v Shalom! Of course I trust their word! Normal to be upset this happened to your mother and she was treated such even had she done something “mind boggling”.

amother

Chicory

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 7:40 pm

I would never be able to look someone in the face and pretend everything was fine if they ever insulted my mother or another family member.

OP, dont let these sanctimonious posters convince you that they would be "dan lekaf zechus"and have this guy in their home. I guarantee u when push comes to shove they'd also be as miffed as u

amother

Wandflower

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 7:43 pm

Gotta add I’d be hurt if someone treated me like that no matter what foolish mistake id made and my family member then invited that person over in the type of context you describe.

amother

Hotpink

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 8:18 pm

amother [ Begonia ] wrote:

you know who the person is, and you are reading the thread, so it's loshon hara that you are reading and they are saying.

it's pretty extreme to decide to never put up other people by them because of a rude comment.

How is it Lashon hora for her? How is it different than any thread where people ask advice about a nasty sil,dil,mil,neighbor,friend?
No names mentioned, no LH.

amother

Oatmeal

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 8:24 pm

I’m a literally wondering if the posters who think losing the key is a terrible, neglectful, irresponsible mistake are kidding.
Have you never lost anything?

Why is it necessary to replace the locks.

The comment he made is disrespectful and uncalled for.

Keep your space. And then kabdehu vechashdehu. See if this is typical of his behavior. No need to decide now not to ever have him over. Take the time and space to deflate and see whether this is indicative of an angry, disrespectful person. Or is he like some of the posters here who consider losing the key a terrible issue and perhaps then loose perspective and spoke from a triggered place. - not that thats an excuse. But its not a reason to completely separate.
Theres taking time and space and theres dropping all association. I would choose the first.

amother

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 9:34 pm

A lot of you had great things to say. I will go with the posters who said to take some space for now and reevaluate in a while when it’s out of my mind. I’ll probably have him for a meal at that point and then see.

amother

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 9:39 pm

I said quite a few times that my mother paid for it and even offered to pay for the time getting it or to help get it herself
In my opinion she dealt with the situation perfectly. She walked around the neighborhood for an hour looking and paid and offered more money.

causemommysaid

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 10:08 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She offered to pay for a locksmith to come and change the lock or for a new key? There's a big difference.

Still the guy should not be rude.

amother

Wandflower

Tue, Oct 19 2021, 12:43 am

I would approach him and ask him how much money is involved and then I’d pay it. No matter if he is changing the locks while you might not do so. I’d be cool and cordial. No discussion about my mother and if he said something I’d let him know we won’t bother him again. Sorry for his inconvenience. We would make amends and correct the issue. I would not tolerate someone being rude to or about my parents no matter what happened hopefully.

Amelia Bedelia

Tue, Oct 19 2021, 3:55 am

amother [ Lightcyan ] wrote:

Op, I get you and your mom are justifiably upset over his comment regarding the loss of the key. And you're right, he shouldn't have said such a thing. It's something that could happen to anyone.
For the future, I think you should try and forget about his comment. He was obviously upset at the loss of the key. Maybe he only had 1 or 2 copies of it and now he's stuck until he can sort it out. I know we only have 2 copies of our house key where dh and I each have one. Once when dh managed to lose his keys (we knew they were somewhere in the house, just couldn't find them) it was really difficult. We had to be sure one of us was home or going to be home when the other needed and it was stressful.
I think because all your knowledge of this man is that he got upset at your mother, you're fixating on it. If you had known him before a bit more, you might have excused him or at least understood him.
How many times do we all make comments that we regret afterwards? He was really nice and hosted your mom, and it's hard when you do a chessed and it comes back to bite you.

Huh? It's easy enough to find a hardware store to make copies.

amother

Topaz

Tue, Oct 19 2021, 4:13 am

Didn’t read the whole thread but I wouldn’t be able to look at this guy in the face after what he said to your mom.
I also wouldn’t invite them over. You tried a few times & they were busy.
Forget it.
He sounds very toxic & I’d stay away.

Your mom made a mistake for goodness sake.
I’d NEVER treat a guest that way. People here are making way too big of a deal about losing a key. She’s human, felt really bad about it & it sounds like your mom tried hard to compensate.
Wow. Shockingly rude on his part.