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Teenage boys getting together

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:03 am
My 12 year old son never has plans on Shabbos. He says it’s not a thing for boys to invite each other over. He has friends in school but no one calls him to get together on Shabbos. He won’t invite friends over because he’s convinced they’ll say no. He doesn’t really have boys on the block to hang out with like other boys do.
I can see it hurts him and it hurts me a lot more. I am heartbroken that he never has anyone to hang out with on Shabbos.
Do your boys get together with their friends every Shabbos? Is it just my son who never has plans?? While I know he should be making his own plans, I’ve even texted my friends who’s kids are in his class to make a “playdate” from time to time bec he won’t do it on his own.
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DrMom




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:18 am
Perhaps you can invite another family with boys his age for Shabbat lunch.
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:20 am
My son is a year younger. He goes to pirchei some weeks and he has a chavrusa with a friend in the summer when it’s a long day but otherwise he likes the downtime. School is intense and exhausting and he likes to be able to read a book and take a nap.
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amother




Geranium
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 3:41 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My 12 year old son never has plans on Shabbos. He says it’s not a thing for boys to invite each other over. He has friends in school but no one calls him to get together on Shabbos. He won’t invite friends over because he’s convinced they’ll say no. He doesn’t really have boys on the block to hang out with like other boys do.
I can see it hurts him and it hurts me a lot more. I am heartbroken that he never has anyone to hang out with on Shabbos.
Do your boys get together with their friends every Shabbos? Is it just my son who never has plans?? While I know he should be making his own plans, I’ve even texted my friends who’s kids are in his class to make a “playdate” from time to time bec he won’t do it on his own.


My son always makes plans for the afternoon with his friends, when he sees them on shacharis.

I must say it is always the same friends and there are other boys in our pretty small community who he never makes arrangements with.

I wonder if they feel hurt.
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salt




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 3:59 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My 12 year old son never has plans on Shabbos. He says it’s not a thing for boys to invite each other over. He has friends in school but no one calls him to get together on Shabbos. He won’t invite friends over because he’s convinced they’ll say no. He doesn’t really have boys on the block to hang out with like other boys do.
I can see it hurts him and it hurts me a lot more. I am heartbroken that he never has anyone to hang out with on Shabbos.
Do your boys get together with their friends every Shabbos? Is it just my son who never has plans?? While I know he should be making his own plans, I’ve even texted my friends who’s kids are in his class to make a “playdate” from time to time bec he won’t do it on his own.


So what do other boys his age do on shabbos? If it's not a thing to invite boys over, do they just go outside and see who's around, or do they arrange it beforehand - eg. let's meet on the corner at 4?
What do his good friends from his class do on shabbos afternoon? Can he join them?
Or does he not live near his friends, I didn't quite understand.

It's different in different places, but where I live, my son (age 13) sees other kids in shul on shabbos morning. He doesn't socialize with them but might say hi and exchange few words.
In the afternoon there is avot ubanim where he'll see the same kids again, but again, not hanging out, rather, learning with their fathers and brothers.
So, no, my boys don't socialize on shabbos. Mine like to sleep, hang out at home, and then go and learn.
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amother




Lightpink
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 6:41 am
My son (12) has a group of boys in our neighborhood that always hang together all night Friday and all afternoon on Shabbos. They run in the homes, out of the homes, and around our neighborhood park. I think anyone is welcome to join. Sometimes they temporarily split up depending on what they're doing but they later join up again.
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amother




Charcoal
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 8:53 am
In my neighborhood, boys don't get together on shabbos. At most, they'd hang out with neighbors, but getting together with friends is more of a girl thing here. Most shuls have learning/tehillim programs for boys in the summer shabbos afternoons.
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amother




Dahlia
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 9:13 am
My boys don't get together with a cluster of friends but neither do my girls. They go to pirchei and bnos, or we invite one or two classmates at a time for Shabbos lunch or to sleep over if they live far away.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 9:22 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
He won’t invite friends over because he’s convinced they’ll say no.


I'm surprised no one else has picked up on this yet. IMHO, this is the crux of the issue. If he's convinced he doesn't have friends who care, how can he have friends who care?

The other kids are picking up on this, and it becomes a vicious cycle.

Does your son seem upset that he doesn't have anyone to hang out with, or are you projecting?
Does your son ever show social anxiety or shyness (not the same thing.)
Does he lack self esteem in other areas?
What does your DH do on Shabbos, and what does he say about this?
Do you think he might just be an introvert, and is using "convinced they'll say no" as an excuse to just have some quiet time without having company around?

Once you untangle this, I think you'll have a much better grasp of the situation, and a much closer insight into your son. 12 is a great age to start gently exploring his feelings with him. If he feels safe enough to elaborate with you now, it will help both of you immensely when he becomes an older teen.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 10:27 am
Between davening and all of the shul programs boys see their friends plenty on shabbos. The younger ones play outside when the weather is nice.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 6:26 pm
OP here:
Frantic frummie: you hit the nail on the head. I am definitely projecting my own feelings on my child. Until HS I didn’t really have many friends and it hurt me and I don’t want my son to be hurt by that as well.
But as someone else said, it could be that he’s saying they will say no simply because he doesn’t really want to hang out with his friends on Shabbos. That actually makes me feel a lot better. Also jappy to hear that it’s not abnormal for him not to have plans.
There aren’t really kids in my neighborhood from his class. The kids close to me in proximity don’t necessarily go to his school so he doesn’t see them in school to “make plans”
I do tell him to invite friends to sleep over. He will ask his close friends but his regular not close friends he doesn’t feel comfortable even asking “because it’s weird”
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