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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 8:37 am

Access to internet!

They are smart, and resourceful!
They can buy it, use a neighbors, get it from a friend, find out your password etc…
All you can do is pray and teach them right from wrong!

Coffee beanz

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 8:44 am

I fully agree!

amother

Daylily

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 8:46 am

That's right! Which is why I think it's so detrimental to drill into kids from when they're little how treif the internet is. The more kids hear how treif and wrong and assur it is, the more enticing it will become. Same goes for smartphones and devices.
My young kids would've never known of the word internet if not for the dumb teachers that make it their duty to explain young kids what internet is and how dangerous it is.

amother

Bellflower

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 8:47 am

Yes!

amother

Slategray

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 8:48 am

Yup. At my daughters former school, which was much frummer than our family, a good chunk of the girls in her class knew about TikTok and Snapchat despite coming from homes where internet wasn’t allowed, especially not for social media.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 8:51 am

This is why I started giving DD lessons on safe internet use when she was around 10.

I started by letting her watch me, and talking about what I do online. I talked to her about forums, chat rooms, private chat, and people who were pretending to be someone nice when they were actually really bad. I talked to her about bullying, grooming, and trusting her gut.

I taught her how to block, ban, and report. I told her that no matter what someone says to her, she needs to come to me right away if she doesn't feel good about it.

I let her have Minecraft (a multiplayer game), and for the first 2 years I watched her interact in chat and in video calls. I saw her friends and talked to them. I ALWAYS kept the computer in the kitchen, where I could see and hear everything from anywhere in the house (tiny house.) I even yelled at her friends if they would swear when they lost a game. "Hey, watch your language, or DD is not going to be allowed to play!"

Basically, you want to give your child good judgement, and make them predator-proof. Just like you wouldn't let a small child walk to the park alone, you guide them until you are sure that they have the seichel to slowly transition to going on their own.

At some point, you just have to daven that over the years you've installed the values of your household, and that your child is mature enough to handle unpleasant things.

I'm not a fan of filters on the computers of responsible adults, but I definitely think there is a place for filters on computers of younger people. (I had an older version of a filter, and DD got around it in a week. She wasn't looking for anything, she was just proud that she could hack it.)

You can ban anything in your home if that is where you are holding, and I don't judge anyone. All I'm saying is that if you know there is a chance that your child will be exposed, you need to find a way to prepare them, and you need to start when they are young! Suddenly trying to control a teen's access is a recipe for a huge fight, and you probably won't win.

What this means is that you will have to give more time, attention, and interaction with your kids. It's easier just to not have technology in your house, but you have to think about the long term effects of sheltering, and decide what is right for you.

amother

Rainbow

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 8:54 am

amother [ Daylily ] wrote:

And that's why its so important to teach them how to use the devices in the right way. If we just teach them that its treif, then they have no idea how to navigate the challenges when they do get their hands on a device. We teach our children everything else in life, I.e. reading the right books, eating kosher, etc., we can definitely teach them about technology as well.

We are causing much more harm by digging our heads in the sand about technology. Tech is here to stay. Tech can accomplish lots of good. Just teach the kids how to handle the challenges that come with it.

Zehava

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 8:55 am

One day parents and educators will wake up to this reality. Or not, and they’ll keep blaming the adults who buy the devices.

amother

Daylily

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 8:56 am

amother [ Rainbow ] wrote:

Exactly. Tech is the reality of today. Instead of preaching how assur and treif it is, let's educate our kids on proper and safe internet usage. They'll anyways find a way to get access, they might as well have the right tools and know how to use it properly.

PinkFridge

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 9:03 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Access to internet!

They are smart, and resourceful!
They can buy it, use a neighbors, get it from a friend, find out your password etc…
All you can do is pray and teach them right from wrong!

And this is big. It really matters.
A generation ago parents worried about their kids reading stuff they didn't approve of. And usually for good reason. Once you read and see things you can't read and unsee things. BUT - and this is also big - if your kids understand why you make the rules and guidelines you do, they'll really get it once they go against them, and may make their own gedarim. Not the ones you want but ones that will be helpful to some degree.

Chickensoupprof

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 9:04 am

Ha! I knew children in my secular high school and their parents put on a filter and these kids all know how to hack those filters.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 9:10 am

My boys yeshiva has an incentive program. It's an honor system, so they're appealing to the boys' own conscience. If they go the entire year with a pre-arranged amount of time per week using a device (like 3 hours), the yeshiva takes them on an exciting trip out of state at the end of the year. I really like the approach of staying positive and using positive reinforcement.

amother

Blue

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 10:50 am

I started writing my whole story here but then I realized that this thread is public and I don't want to go public with it. Bottom line, kids can buy a device - super cheap - and take it to a hot spot. The parents will never know. There is NO WAY to keep this info away from your kids, they know way more than the parents do.

My son is not particularly tech savvy, but he told me he knows quite a few ways to get around a filter (it's something that's obviously discussed in school), plus they all know they can go to Walmart, buy a tablet or a cheap cell phone, and have internet access that way. I'm behind the times, I'm sure there are plenty of other ways they can access it....

Bottom line, not having internet in your home, having filtered only internet - these things are not as helpful as people think they are. Be warned.

It drives me crazy when I go to speeches and I hear this being touted as "the answer". These people - I'm sorry, but they are - are super naive.

amother

Ballota

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 10:53 am

You’re better off giving your kids filtered internet access so they don’t have to search elsewhere and you can see what they’re doing.

amother

Blue

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 11:00 am

I was reading a transcribed speech by Rabbi Ephraim Waxman about this topic, and I liked how he referred to the internet/technology as a "gezeirah", similar to the Cantonist gezeirah. It's not longer a nisayan, because it's already here. It's a gezeirah. The internet, like it or not, is part of all our lives.

amother

Blue

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 11:01 am

amother [ Ballota ] wrote:

You’re better off giving your kids filtered internet access so they don’t have to search elsewhere and you can see what they’re doing.

They can get past a filter.

amother

Rainbow

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 11:03 am

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

I'm trying to relate to this as a gezeirah. Was the invention of the printing press a 'gezeirah' too? This is not a tool that was just invented to make our lives difficult, this is also a tool that can significantly enhance our lives. Why isn't this just something that we need to teach and educate our kids about, just like we do with other tools in life?

amother

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 11:05 am

It’s like every time you plug a hole another leak can start anywhere….at home, yeshivah, friends etc….

amother

Rainbow

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 11:07 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It’s like every time you plug a hole another leak can start anywhere….at home, yeshivah, friends etc….

Doesn't it make more sense to give our kids the tools to contain all those leaks to begin with?

amother

Blue

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 11:08 am

amother [ Rainbow ] wrote:

I can erase that if you want. This resonated with me, if it doesn't, just ignore.

Teen age boys accessing p0rn - especially the type that is so available today - can be so harmful to their development. I'm hearing that it's affecting girls as well.... to me, this seems like a dangerous tool. I agree it can enhance our lives, but it does seem to have a very steep price.

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