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Son Refuses to go to Cheder
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:21 pm
Kindergarten son refuses to go to cheder. He had a spat with one of his classmates. His Rebbe said he will take care of it. It's not enough for him, he still refuses to go. How do I calm him down and convince him to go? (he was not molested or anything like that bh)
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:24 pm
Provide a lot of empathy and validation. I find that when my kids are having a hard time socially, if I tell them I talked to your rebbe and he said he will help you work this out it makes them feel safer going to school because they know when they get to school it will hopefully get resolved.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:30 pm
mha3484 wrote:
Provide a lot of empathy and validation. I find that when my kids are having a hard time socially, if I tell them I talked to your rebbe and he said he will help you work this out it makes them feel safer going to school because they know when they get to school it will hopefully get resolved.
It's not working. He is home for three days already.... He was promised the world.
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amother




Blonde
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:35 pm
Assuming you already explained the rebbe will watch on him better and how good cheder is and how important it is is go, you put him on the bus and you tell him.
חדר איז א גוטע פלאץ. אלע קינדער דארפן גיין אין חדר. איך וועל רעדן מיט דיר ווען דו קומסט אהיים. א גוטן טאג
And that's it. He cries, it's ok. The bus rebbe will make sure he is seated. And you don't allow him to stay home even one day next time.
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honeymoon




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:36 pm
A kindergarten kid will not refuse to go to school if there isn't something he is afraid of. You may need to dig deeper to see if the spat with the friend is the real reason he is refusing to go or only the excuse. Maybe the spat is not just a one time thing and he is being bullied. There may be other things going on. I wouldn't force a kindergarten child to go back to school before checking out that he is really safe there.

Kindergarten kids have a hard time articulating or even identifying their feelings. Maybe do some play therapy with him and see if he has something else to share.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:38 pm
amother [ Blonde ] wrote:
You put him on the bus and you tell him.
חדר איז א גוטע פלאץ. אלע קינדער דארפן גיין אין חדר. איך וועל רעדן מיט דיר ווען דו קומסט אהיים. א גוטן טאג
And that's it. He cries, it's ok. The bus rebbe will make sure he is seated. And you don't allow him to stay home even one day next time.
With a different child this can work. I can't do this to him. And sorry, there is no bus rebbe on this particular bus. He is physically very strong. I tried lifting him and doing that, he was throwing a tantrum. I need some other ideas if anyone has any....
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momof2+?




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:39 pm
The child is 5. I would walk the child into the classroom after speaking to the rebbe. I would not let my kid stay home for 3 days. What is going to make tomorrow different?
But if you’re trying to reason with him and not be forceful, maybe find out why he is so adamant not to go. Boys fight and make up 5 minutes later. What sort of spat could have him so stubborn? I sense he is scared of a kid or a scenario happening. Discuss with the rebbe about times there isn’t 100%supervision.

Editing to add- I see I overlapped with other people’s responses. I guess that’s a good thing. Also- is the bus the problem? I would drive him to school myself. (Or taxi with him if you x drive.)


Last edited by momof2+? on Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:43 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Calendula
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:39 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
With a different child this can work. I can't do this to him. And sorry, there is no bus rebbe on this particular bus. He is physically very strong. I tried lifting him and doing that, he was throwing a tantrum. I need some other ideas if anyone has any....


Maybe he'd feel better if the Rebbi calls your son and talks to him.
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:39 pm
Is there more going on then he is telling you? If he is home for 3 days I would really try to dig deeper. My mantra is that behavior is communication. He is trying to tell you something with actions he doesnt know how to say with words.

Does he do well with other boys or is being bullied? Is the school work too hard? Is the day too long? I would see if you can talk to the rebbe, talk to your son and get to the bottom of what is really going on.
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amother




Blonde
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:40 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
With a different child this can work. I can't do this to him. And sorry, there is no bus rebbe on this particular bus. He is physically very strong. I tried lifting him and doing that, he was throwing a tantrum. I need some other ideas if anyone has any....


So you have his father put him on the bus, or his father take him physically to cheder. He is only staying and fighting because he knows you will let him win. When he is in cheder or already on the bus he will be embarrassed to fight with you.

Or you call a chinuch expert and ask if you think there is more going on.
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honeymoon




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:40 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
With a different child this can work. I can't do this to him. And sorry, there is no bus rebbe on this particular bus. He is physically very strong. I tried lifting him and doing that, he was throwing a tantrum. I need some other ideas if anyone has any....


No bus rebbe on a kindergarten bus?? That would really concern me. Most bullying takes place on busses where there are no adults to stop it.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:42 pm
honeymoon wrote:
A kindergarten kid will not refuse to go to school if there isn't something he is afraid of. You may need to dig deeper to see if the spat with the friend is the real reason he is refusing to go or only the excuse. Maybe the spat is not just a one time thing and he is being bullied. There may be other things going on. I wouldn't force a kindergarten child to go back to school before checking out that he is really safe there.

Kindergarten kids have a hard time articulating or even identifying their feelings. Maybe do some play therapy with him and see if he has something else to share.
Sounds like a plan. I'll try this. He keeps on changing the reasons for his refusal. (the rebbe is strict.. you can't do whatever you want..) He told us the name of the boy that bothered him. The Rebbe agrees that that boy is not that easy, however he is not that difficult that my son should be that scared of him. My son is not a pushover either bh. He claims he doesn't like anything about this cheder. He was ok till after yom tov, and then the fun started.
I do believe that he has a strong fear. I'm just wondering what can be done about it. I'll try play therapy and see what we can discover.
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honeymoon




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:42 pm
amother [ Blonde ] wrote:
So you have his father put him on the bus, or his father take him physically to cheder. He is only staying and fighting because he knows you will let him win. When he is in cheder or already on the bus he will be embarrassed to fight with you.

Or you call a chinuch expert and ask if you think there is more going on.


No no. He is literally just out of diapers. Why turn it into a power struggle when he is clearly trying to communicate a message? Please don't ignore his cry for help.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:43 pm
honeymoon wrote:
No bus rebbe on a kindergarten bus?? That would really concern me. Most bullying takes place on busses where there are no adults to stop it.
It's a very small route with a very heimish reliable father type bus driver. It's not a bus issue. I offered to take him to cheder and pick him up with the car.
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amother




Blonde
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:44 pm
honeymoon wrote:
No no. He is literally just out of diapers. Why turn it into a power struggle when he is clearly trying to communicate a message? Please don't ignore his cry for help.


I don't think it is a power struggle. If there is something else going on then yes dig deeper and ask a chinuch expert, but it sounds simply like OP made her child anxious by allowing him to stay home so she needs to break through it as much as her child. It's normal for a 3 year old to want to stay home and some are very sensitive but staying home just reinforces the fear.
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honeymoon




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:44 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Sounds like a plan. I'll try this. He keeps on changing the reasons for his refusal. (the rebbe is strict.. you can't do whatever you want..) He told us the name of the boy that bothered him. The Rebbe agrees that that boy is not that easy, however he is not that difficult that my son should be that scared of him. My son is not a pushover either bh. He claims he doesn't like anything about this cheder. He was ok till after yom tov, and then the fun started.
I do believe that he has a strong fear. I'm just wondering what can be done about it. I'll try play therapy and see what we can discover.


It seems like he is afraid to tell you or he doesn't know how to. Is it possible a kid threatened him if he tattles on him? I would explore this deeper.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:46 pm
Does anyone think it can be a medical issue and it's coming out in this way?
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honeymoon




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:48 pm
amother [ Blonde ] wrote:
I don't think it is a power struggle. If there is something else going on then yes dig deeper and ask a chinuch expert, but it sounds simply like OP made her child anxious by allowing him to stay home so she needs to break through it as much as her child. It's normal for a 3 year old to want to stay home and some are very sensitive but staying home just reinforces the fear.


It will become a power struggle if op forces him to get onto the bus while he's kicking and screaming. It may be an innocent case of playing hooky, but in the possible event that there's more to his refusal, forcing him onto the bus can be traumatic and do real damage.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:48 pm
honeymoon wrote:
It seems like he is afraid to tell you or he doesn't know how to. Is it possible a kid threatened him if he tattles on him? I would explore this deeper.
He is extremely verbal and really communicates well. His Rebbe called him at home to try to convince him to come and he said he will watch over him very carefully to make sure that no one bothers him, it was still not enough. The Rebbe promised to give him a very good prize if he comes, it didn't do it for him either. He is extremely smart and also extremely stubborn.
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honeymoon




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 1:56 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
He is extremely verbal and really communicates well. His Rebbe called him at home to try to convince him to come and he said he will watch over him very carefully to make sure that no one bothers him, it was still not enough. The Rebbe promised to give him a very good prize if he comes, it didn't do it for him either. He is extremely smart and also extremely stubborn.


So once you ruled out any safety issues, I would treat it like any other parenting issue. Be firm yet loving, offer to drive him yourself and maybe stop for ice cream on the way home if he goes nicely for a week. Tell him you'll give the rebbi your number and he should call you if he has a problem. Just the feeling of security that you can pick him up anytime, even if you don't, can calm him.

If he still displays signs of anxiety after a week or two of doing this, I would conclude that the cause for his distress is still there and needs to be dealt with.
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