Son Refuses to go to Cheder

keym

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 2:23 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes, it's his first year in this cheder and the first time with a Rebbe.

Ok. That's a different kettle of fish.
And I'm guessing new friends? Meaning they weren't all together last year?
And new bathrooms and recess and lunch rules?

Then I'd talk him through the day.
What's your favorite part of the day? Parshas.
What's your worse part of the day?

Maybe start by bringing him for his favorite part and slowly adding time.
And avoid the most stressful parts of school: transportation, bathroom if there's not a private bathroom just for his class, recess if it's done with other classes and grades.
It's much harder to promise that Rebbi will keep him safe in such a large group.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 2:44 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I did that already. I offered to take him to cheder and pick him up. I offered to take him for half a day as well.
Anybody know of a chinuch expert? or anyone have such a type of experience that can help?

Rabbi Brezak is a Chinuch expert you will probably need to pay for a consultation but you can make the most of your money by asking all the questions you have.

I dealt with my 1st grader who wouldn't get out of the car so I would drag him into school.. then he'd run back out..took a few weeks but eventually he stayed and B"H had a wonderful year

amother

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 3:44 pm

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

What was the method used?

amother

Candycane

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 3:46 pm

amother [ Maize ] wrote:

Does have anxiety?

This. Is he generally an anxious child? Because if he is, anxiety is the reason for school refusal. And you’ll need to work around the anxiety, not around the reasons he pins his anxiety on.

amother

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 3:48 pm

amother [ Candycane ] wrote:

This. Is he generally an anxious child?

No, not especially, not the type to double check with me if I prepared him snack and a drink like some others.

amother

Candycane

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 3:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

No, not especially, not the type to double check with me if I prepared him snack and a drink like some others.

Anxiety can present in many different ways.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 4:22 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What was the method used?

Method used for my child? No comparison to your situation, my child was the youngest and very immature he just wanted to stay a baby forever at that point

We consulted with Rabbi Brezak for a different child altogether

behappy2

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 6:48 pm

I would go bring the kid to school and stay for a bit. You get to see what is going on and also kids feels more comfortable. You can even leave with the kid after half an hour. That is if the school lets. You can also sit with the kid in the hallway and tell him you will stay till her is ready to go in. Make it comfortable.

amother

Emerald

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 7:05 pm

Some kids are stubborn and don't know how to back down. He might not know how to get out of this mindset. I would say you have to go tomorrow, I'll drive you and we will stop for breakfast, and then I'll pick you up and give you prize, and take it from there. I would also try to observe the class if you can from a window so you can figure out if there is a real issue.

amother

Charcoal

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 9:02 pm

behappy2 wrote:

book a good therapist session, go along
she will play with him and find out what bothers him

I woudnt force someone on the bus

if he so much doesnt want to go, he needs help, empathy, your presence.

amother

Linen

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 9:20 pm

Don't know if this at all relates to you but this was the experience I had with my son....

He came home all upset and said he's not going back the kids are mean, they fight with him and the rebbe doesn't care etc. At first I felt so bad for him and was mad at the school that they allow the boys to fight so badly.
I called the rebbe who said he's going to look out to see exactly what's going on when they play outdoors. The rebbe told me that he doesn't see major fighting but my Ds is bothering other boys.
I spoke to a few boys in his school that were with him on the bus and saw him by recess it turns out that my son was the one instigating(not physically hurting them but saying things like you cant go on the slide....)- and the brother of one boy told my ds that the next time he bothers/fights with his brother he's gonna tell the principal. This made my son nervous and he didn't want to go back.

I explained to my son that when he bothers boys even a little they will react and that the principal isn't mean or out to get him....

My son was the same age as yours, they don't want to admit that they were the one to start.

amother

Latte

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 9:23 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It's a very small route with a very heimish reliable father type bus driver. It's not a bus issue. I offered to take him to cheder and pick him up with the car.

I once did a bus route with six boys on it. There is no way boys don’t kick other boys , punch them, pull hair , grab away snacks, glasses, you name it, without an actual bus monitor on the bus. The driver cannot be busy with the boys while he is driving. That is an impossible ask.

Personally, I would get on the bus with my child and see what is happening on the route and then sit into the classroom and watch the whole day.

Something is going on. It’s on you to figure it out.

amother

Latte

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 9:30 pm

And, yes! Please do blood work for strep and Lyme! This is extremely important. Find a pandas aware pediatrician if yours isn’t.
You can also give him Motrin an hour before bus time and see if that helps. As well as Epsom salt baths with some apple cider vinegar.
(No I’m not crazy 😝, I never used to believe in these things until I watched it help my own kids)
By the way you sound like an amazing mom.

amother

Purple

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 9:30 pm

behappy2 wrote:

If the school lets, and your child is not too self conscious… I had success with this. I sat with him in school every day for over two weeks, every day for less and less time… it’s been years and he’s been going ever since.

I also started the process slowly (today were just driving to school but not going in, tomorrow we’re going in, saying hello to the rebbe and then leaving, the third day we drove together and went to class for an hour… each of these baby steps was praised and rewarded). I did this with a therapist’s guidance. Child definitely had anxiety though.

Having a child refuse to go to school is such a stressful, helpless feeling… sending you major hugs and best wishes for hatzlacha. IyH you’ll get through it!

#BestBubby

Mon, Oct 18 2021, 9:33 pm

amother [ Blonde ] wrote:

So you have his father put him on the bus, or his father take him physically to cheder. He is only staying and fighting because he knows you will let him win. When he is in cheder or already on the bus he will be embarrassed to fight with you.

Or you call a chinuch expert and ask if you think there is more going on.

This.

Get your husband to drive him to school and take him to class - carrying him if necessary.

Your son is being stubborn and you have to show him that school is not optional.

If after three days of school, he is still carrying on, then I would do further investigation.

amother

Tue, Oct 19 2021, 2:26 pm

Thank you all for your input. Very much appreciated.
We both went with my son to his cheder, once when no one was there and once when the Rebbe was there with the children. The Rebbe is extremely caring and kind and gave up his whole lunchbreak for him to try to make him feel comfortable and cared for.

I really liked what one poster said about not being able to back down from his place. This resonated with me and I feel that that's really what the problem is. Also, he probably was involved in a fight and he can't see a way out.

Today we were there for about an hour and then went home and promised him a small prize.
If he goes with the bus tomorrow, then we will get him a bigger prize when he comes home.

The situation did thaw somewhat, but we are not there yet.
Hopefully, tomorrow he will go with the bus.
I'm davening..............

keym

Tue, Oct 19 2021, 2:34 pm

Hatzlocha OP.
If I may.
I don't know your situation, logistics, feasibility.
But personally, I don't think I would push going on the bus before I encourage staying in school the whole day.
Personally, I think the bus both exhausts them and also can push them to their social limit much faster.
I personally would push for a longer and longer day until full, and only then push for the bus, so my son wouldn't burn out- go on the bus but insisting on coming home by 11:30 as opposed to being driven and can handle until 1:30.
But then, like I said, that's me, my kids, my work schedule and the fact that I drive.
I don't know your situation.