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Did he do the right thing?
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:22 pm
My 11ds said he’s going to try harder in school and try to be more like a tzaddik. He has been doing amazing!! He came home today from school and asked me if he did the right thing. I’m not sure, so I’m asking you lovely ladies.

Kids in his class had snack and the Rebbi said they can’t eat it in class. During a point in class, the Rebbi had to leave for a few minutes. While he was gone, a boy took out his snack, opened it, and started passing it around. When the Rebbi came back, he asked whose it was. Since no one answered, my ds wanted to make peace he said it was his. He was asked why and he said he was hungry. The Rebbi made a sad face at him, but nothing else happened. After telling me this story, I sent a message to the principal that the teacher should know it wasn’t him, but he asked if he did the right thing. Did he?

Separately, he mentioned how he got punched getting in between kids who were fighting and tried to stop it. He didn’t get hurt. I told him that’s a no, no and he should tell a teacher and also not get involved in everyone’s arguments.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:23 pm
By the way, this is all him. I didn’t say anything to him. He decided this all on his own. Hope he keeps it up!! Wink
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Blessing1




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:29 pm
He did not do the right thing. Explain to him that you know that it's coming from a good place, but he shouldn't own up for something he didn't do to save someone else. Others will very quickly learn to take advantage of him. He also shouldn't get involved and try to break up fights.
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amother




Thistle
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 5:36 pm
I would tell him it's not his job to take on everyone's problems. I had a kid like this and she did get hurt and get in trouble. I told her I know she has a need to have shalom and happiness around her and she wants everyone to be happy and safe but it's not a good idea.
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amother




Nasturtium
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 6:37 pm
I really think you need to praise him for what he did but then explain him that if he does it again he may suffer the consequences. Also the Rebbe won't know when he's telling the truth.
As a side point, a Rebbe shouldn't ask such a question. There's no point as the troublemaker will never own up.
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amother




Nemesia
 

Post Mon, Oct 18 2021, 6:45 pm
Kids that want to be too good raises flags for me. This doesn’t feel healthy.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 7:02 am
Thank you everyone! I spoke to him and now he understands.
amother [ Nemesia ] wrote:
Kids that want to be too good raises flags for me. This doesn’t feel healthy.

Why would it raise flags? He wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do either. That’s why he asked.
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amother




Jade
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 7:05 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you everyone! I spoke to him and now he understands.
Why would it raise flags? He wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do either. That’s why he asked.


I was the goody goody in school. It was because I had no self esteem, no social skills, and the only way I could get attention was by being the goody goody- at least the teacher liked me (or so I thought).
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English3




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 7:19 am
Being too good and letting other people's issues be blamed on him can cause codependency. He likes the feeling of being a saviour, you will need to guide him a lot in how to set boundaries as well.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 7:30 am
Thank you, but you’re all reading this wrong. He wasn’t trying to be a goody goody, only trying to do what he thought was right. Now that he knows, he’s not going to. He’s not a trouble maker, but neither is he a goody goody.
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amother




Cherry
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 7:43 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you, but you’re all reading this wrong. He wasn’t trying to be a goody goody, only trying to do what he thought was right. Now that he knows, he’s not going to. He’s not a trouble maker, but neither is he a goody goody.

Something sounds off here. He sounds like he’s trying to get your and his rebbes approval. This is unhealthy. Is he your oldest? Does he have friends? Sounds like you and your son ( where’s dad?)can use a few good sessions on healthy parenting and self esteem.
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Blessing1




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 8:18 am
amother [ Cherry ] wrote:
Something sounds off here. He sounds like he’s trying to get your and his rebbes approval. This is unhealthy. Is he your oldest? Does he have friends? Sounds like you and your son ( where’s dad?)can use a few good sessions on healthy parenting and self esteem.


How does the bolded come into this conversation?
Especially in such a snarky way?


Last edited by Blessing1 on Tue, Oct 19 2021, 8:22 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Wheat
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 8:21 am
I understand what he is trying to do.

You spoke to him and explained.

He will learn the balance.

I would definitely speak to the Rebbe to explain the incident ALONG with letting the Rebbe know about his personal quest for bettering himself. Very important for a teacher to be given this foresight.

Ask Rebbe to give him personal chizzuk and acknowledgment. This along with he Rebbe understanding him better can do wonders for your son.

What he is trying to sweetly take on is beautiful and can make a wonderful, growth filled year (and future BE”H).

If it is to succeed, it will need gentle guiding and redirection throughout. He can grow and gain amazing insights in human nature and behaviour with this road.

Much nachas.
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naomi2




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 8:26 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My 11ds said he’s going to try harder in school and try to be more like a tzaddik. He has been doing amazing!! He came home today from school and asked me if he did the right thing. I’m not sure, so I’m asking you lovely ladies.

Kids in his class had snack and the Rebbi said they can’t eat it in class. During a point in class, the Rebbi had to leave for a few minutes. While he was gone, a boy took out his snack, opened it, and started passing it around. When the Rebbi came back, he asked whose it was. Since no one answered, my ds wanted to make peace he said it was his. He was asked why and he said he was hungry. The Rebbi made a sad face at him, but nothing else happened. After telling me this story, I sent a message to the principal that the teacher should know it wasn’t him, but he asked if he did the right thing. Did he?

Separately, he mentioned how he got punched getting in between kids who were fighting and tried to stop it. He didn’t get hurt. I told him that’s a no, no and he should tell a teacher and also not get involved in everyone’s arguments.

What does the bolded mean?
Why does he want to be more like a tzaddik? wasn't he good enough before? Why did you say he's doing amazing? What is he doing that's amazing? Something seems not right here.
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Blessing1




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 8:28 am
naomi2 wrote:
What does the bolded mean?
Why does he want to be more like a tzaddik? wasn't he good enough before? Why did you say he's doing amazing? What is he doing that's amazing? Something seems not right here.


It's very normal for a child to go through a stage of trying to prove themselves how good they are. There's nothing very alarming about his behavior, he just needs a bit of guidance.
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amother




Wheat
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 8:48 am
I cant believe how much hysteria there is when a child says he wants to “do better”. Is is a NORMAL AND HEALTHY part of development. He will go though countless “stages” in life (hopefully all good BE”H).

Is this what we have come to? A sweet quest becomes a thing of psychoanalytical diagnoses? For goodness sake, there is NOTHING alarming about what the child said nor with the mom seeking advice about the incident.

OP, have much continued nachas and joy from him.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 9:04 am
Explain to him that though his intentions were good, Sheker Ein Lo Raglayim. M'dvar Sheker Tirchak. It was not the truth, and that is something to keep far away from.
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amother




Smokey
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 9:06 am
You shouldn't tell him to tell on students fighting. He should walk away.

He also shouldn't say a snack is his when it's not unless he also ate from it.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 9:50 am
amother [ Wheat ] wrote:
I understand what he is trying to do.

You spoke to him and explained.

He will learn the balance.

I would definitely speak to the Rebbe to explain the incident ALONG with letting the Rebbe know about his personal quest for bettering himself. Very important for a teacher to be given this foresight.

Ask Rebbe to give him personal chizzuk and acknowledgment. This along with he Rebbe understanding him better can do wonders for your son.

What he is trying to sweetly take on is beautiful and can make a wonderful, growth filled year (and future BE”H).

If it is to succeed, it will need gentle guiding and redirection throughout. He can grow and gain amazing insights in human nature and behaviour with this road.

Much nachas.

Thank you!!!!!! I did speak to the teacher. Why are people looking into it more than it is?? This is how we learn.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 9:53 am
amother [ Wheat ] wrote:
I cant believe how much hysteria there is when a child says he wants to “do better”. Is is a NORMAL AND HEALTHY part of development. He will go though countless “stages” in life (hopefully all good BE”H).

Is this what we have come to? A sweet quest becomes a thing of psychoanalytical diagnoses? For goodness sake, there is NOTHING alarming about what the child said nor with the mom seeking advice about the incident.

OP, have much continued nachas and joy from him.

Thank you and everyone else who wasn’t getting hysterical!

He started on his own and started reading more and decided from there.
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