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How to handle the tzufloigene child

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Oct 20 2021, 7:44 pm
How do you make sure the child doesn't grow up to be a tzufloigene adult? Or is it an inborn trait?

I have sil who would literally lose her head if it wasn't attached to her body. That's not the way she was raised , at all. I'm afraid of my kids growing up that way. They're still young, but their stuff is all over the place -backpacks, sweatshirts, art projects, you-name-it. They forget to bring home things they need for HW, stuff like that.

How to help them become responsible?
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amother




Pearl
 

Post Wed, Oct 20 2021, 7:45 pm
I never lost anything but I developed systems and routines to compensate. I probably have adhd (without H). So start routines
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amother




Apricot
 

Post Mon, Oct 25 2021, 9:39 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
How do you make sure the child doesn't grow up to be a tzufloigene adult? Or is it an inborn trait?

I have sil who would literally lose her head if it wasn't attached to her body. That's not the way she was raised , at all. I'm afraid of my kids growing up that way. They're still young, but their stuff is all over the place -backpacks, sweatshirts, art projects, you-name-it. They forget to bring home things they need for HW, stuff like that.

How to help them become responsible?

Definitely one step is to allow them to face consequences. They forget to bring home something for HW- you aren't writing a note to the teacher or calling another mom to help them. Their mistake, their responsibility.
Can't find their project- sorry sweetheart! You can do it over again or look a little harder.
Obviously within limits- your kids do need your help sometimes and you should be there for them.
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amother




Jade
 

Post Mon, Oct 25 2021, 9:41 pm
Check out this book. https://www.amazon.com/Smart-b.....sheet

I haven’t read this specific edition for children but the adult version is great.
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amother




Dustypink
 

Post Mon, Oct 25 2021, 9:43 pm
Its a nature of a person.
it's also sometimes a stage in life.
People with ADHD need structure and routine. When you enforce a routine and rules, hopefully things will get more stable.
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scruffy




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 25 2021, 9:50 pm
I was the flying kid. I never had my things together, was always doing my homework last minute before class, and I remember the humiliation of the teacher asking us to empty out our desks and everyone watched me pull out wads and wads of crumpled worksheets and snack bags...

I agree with the advice above about letting your kids face consequences. With times I learned to manage the things that really mattered.

Although I'm still a massive procrastinator and probably have some ADD/ executive functioning issues, I think it all comes along with a different side - I'm chilled with going the flow, changes don't frustrate me and in fact I love improvising and can be very creative.

There's so much to appreciate about every type of kid and I'm glad my parents didn't force me into a box.
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amother




Cantaloupe
 

Post Mon, Oct 25 2021, 9:55 pm
As such a child I am answering the question.


Firstly , with love
and humor
and acceptance.
And only then , by teaching skills of organization and preparedness and cleanliness. Keep up with the humor and love and unconditional acceptance.

Never sigh or label. Vent all your frustration elsewhere and present your child with a loving and accepting attitude.
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tp3




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 25 2021, 10:04 pm
Find their strengths- usually the things they care about they can be very organized and protective of.

Get them evaluated to see how you can best help them.

Give them chores that involve organizing- from easiest to more difficult so that they don't give up right away.

Don't expect them to inherently know how to be responsible and organized- these are skills that can be taught. (I am forever grateful to my 5th grade teacher who saw my binder and sat down with me, spent time showing me how to keep the papers neat and organized. Ever since then organizing became something I enjoy doing.)

Teach skills in simple steps. Sometimes a chart or check off list comes in handy. When my kids were younger I taught them to clean their rooms with: (make) bed, (clear) floor, (make) shelves (neat). Some of them still mentally follow that list till today.

Be patient. They will eventually grow up and be more organized even if it feels like forever. And have compassion for them, everyone makes mistakes and loses things occasionally.


Last edited by tp3 on Mon, Oct 25 2021, 10:09 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 25 2021, 10:06 pm
We really can’t control who our kids will be as adults, and by parenting with that mindset we give ourselves needless anxiety as well as lose out on the moment. Be the best parent you can be right now, to the child you have right now, and don’t worry about the rest.
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amother




Burlywood
 

Post Tue, Oct 26 2021, 12:54 am
amother [ Jade ] wrote:
Check out this book. https://www.amazon.com/Smart-b.....sheet

I haven’t read this specific edition for children but the adult version is great.


Yes this book is a great read for these types of kids.
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amother




Forsythia
 

Post Tue, Oct 26 2021, 7:27 am
just love them!
my dd is 3 and she is exactly like my dh with regard to never knowing where her stuff is, can't hurry up, takes lots of time to do stuff etc.
But, to some extent I think dh has undiagnosed add. If it becomes more of an issue, I will definitely get my daughter evaluated. But for now we just enjoy her and love her and laugh together.
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amother




Narcissus
 

Post Tue, Oct 26 2021, 8:09 am
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
Definitely one step is to allow them to face consequences. They forget to bring home something for HW- you aren't writing a note to the teacher or calling another mom to help them. Their mistake, their responsibility.
Can't find their project- sorry sweetheart! You can do it over again or look a little harder.
Obviously within limits- your kids do need your help sometimes and you should be there for them.


I agree To some degree.
Up until a certain age they do need you to help out.
My 8 yo was the kid who needed 4 new pencils every day the entire contents of the pencil case replaced at least once a week.
Her desk was awful.

In 1st grade I went to her class 4x to empty her desk. I'd find rotting apples with important stuff all mixed together yuck!
In second grade it was must a drop better. I made her responsible for telling me what supplies she needs not me going thru the list.
Oh, and I stocked up on MULTIPLES whether they are on sale. Lol.
Her teacher had never seen such a kid before. (She had awesome teachers btw) and look where she's now.
Now she's in 3rd grade. She still losses pencils often but other than a sharpener she's not lost any of her other supplies she misplaced them, took another one then brought it back home cuz she found it. Lol. She brings home her hw most of the time. And we do it at a set time. Her sister does hers too. Her desk is probably a Ness. But at this point I can remind her every few weeks to clean it out. I wouldn't go do it for her.
Not perfect - normal. A kid.
She just needed more time to grow up in that regard. It's OK. And when she was struggling she needed some help and you as her mother should do that.
Hopefully by 5th grade she'll be fully responsible for her stuff.
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amother




Whitesmoke
 

Post Tue, Oct 26 2021, 9:29 am
Zehava wrote:
We really can’t control who our kids will be as adults, and by parenting with that mindset we give ourselves needless anxiety as well as lose out on the moment. Be the best parent you can be right now, to the child you have right now, and don’t worry about the rest.


This was my first thought when reading your post, OP. You sound like you feel you can control who they become. You need to parent them in the very best way, which will likely be different for different children. But you will not have control over how they will be. Do your best and daven, daven, daven.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 26 2021, 9:31 am
I was a very tzufloigene child. And I'm a very organized adult, I run a tight ship.
I think I just outgrew it.
And I have a child who is just like me. More so. And is slowly growing out of it and becoming more organized and responsible.

Model and have patience.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 26 2021, 9:33 am
Zehava wrote:
We really can’t control who our kids will be as adults, and by parenting with that mindset we give ourselves needless anxiety as well as lose out on the moment. Be the best parent you can be right now, to the child you have right now, and don’t worry about the rest.


I so so so agree with this.

I feel like 90% of emotional issues that parents cause their children is because they feel like they have to control how they will be as adults. Like somehow they will be responsible for the outcome. And if we would just let go and parent in the present, we will raise healthier, happier adults.
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amother




Ginger
 

Post Tue, Oct 26 2021, 10:46 am
I was that"tzefloigane kid" and most of my kids are too. I disagree with this who say natural consequences. Your child literally does not have the skills or ability to figure this out on their own. It is unfair and will only discourage the child when they put in effort that won't help. What will help are routines, routines, routines. Habits, habits habits. Morning routines, bed time routines, homework routines. It needs to be automatic, no thought process. And, as much as possible, the same daily. For example, for dd, a once a week clean out of her backpack would probably be sufficient. But instead, I made it part of her homework routine. Every single time she put away her homework, she cleaned out her briefcase. Once it was routine, she did it on her own, with no reminders. (The book mentioned above is great too.)

P.s. Please be careful not to call child tzefloigane, or lazy. I was called lazy, not even in a mean way. My dad works say it kind of to minimize the situation and not make me feel so different, like, "don't worry, there's nothing wrong with you. Just a little laziness, it will get better work age." So I got the message that if I just tried harder I would be successful (which is what all the teachers were saying too). Problem was that "trying harder" didn't help ever. I actually thought that maybe I didn't understand what "trying" was. But I'm actually I needed to try differently.
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imaima




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 26 2021, 11:01 am
amother [ Forsythia ] wrote:
just love them!
my dd is 3 and she is exactly like my dh with regard to never knowing where her stuff is, can't hurry up, takes lots of time to do stuff etc.
But, to some extent I think dh has undiagnosed add. If it becomes more of an issue, I will definitely get my daughter evaluated. But for now we just enjoy her and love her and laugh together.


She is 3 for goodness sake
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imaima




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 26 2021, 11:03 am
amother [ Narcissus ] wrote:
I agree To some degree.
Up until a certain age they do need you to help out.
My 8 yo was the kid who needed 4 new pencils every day the entire contents of the pencil case replaced at least once a week.
Her desk was awful.

In 1st grade I went to her class 4x to empty her desk. I'd find rotting apples with important stuff all mixed together yuck!
In second grade it was must a drop better. I made her responsible for telling me what supplies she needs not me going thru the list.
Oh, and I stocked up on MULTIPLES whether they are on sale. Lol.
Her teacher had never seen such a kid before. (She had awesome teachers btw) and look where she's now.
Now she's in 3rd grade. She still losses pencils often but other than a sharpener she's not lost any of her other supplies she misplaced them, took another one then brought it back home cuz she found it. Lol. She brings home her hw most of the time. And we do it at a set time. Her sister does hers too. Her desk is probably a Ness. But at this point I can remind her every few weeks to clean it out. I wouldn't go do it for her.
Not perfect - normal. A kid.
She just needed more time to grow up in that regard. It's OK. And when she was struggling she needed some help and you as her mother should do that.
Hopefully by 5th grade she'll be fully responsible for her stuff.


My kids get a lot of pocket money so they are supposed to buy their own pencils if the lost any right at the beginning of the year.
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amother




Copper
 

Post Tue, Oct 26 2021, 11:09 am
I was a tzufloigene kid and I am a tzufloigene adult too. It is inborn and so difficult to change. Even if I at times appear organized and controlled, my mind is tzufloigene if that makes any sense. Adhd can do that to a person. meds help a bit but I came to accept that this is my life BH!
Also, if it's really an adhd brain then as someone mentioned above- learning from their own consequences are not going to happen. It's not that they don't know, they can't.
Trained into a routine is the only possible way.
good luck!
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