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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Oct 21 2021, 3:54 am
I can't stand my DD shes 7 years old
Argues with me all the time!! Everything is an argument, everything needs to be explained...
I feel like all I want is to get her off to school/bed/eat supper and I don't have any relationship with her like a mother and daughter should have.
I literally wake up in the morning and I am in a bad mood already!
Believe me, when I say it of course I love her!! But she rubs me the wrong way! She's a good girl in school and among her friends, she is considered a popular girl and is kind towards others. She is helpful at home...
So why does she agitate me so much? It must be me that's the problem...
What should I do? I want to be a good mother so badly. I want her to grow up to be a good girl...
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Oct 21 2021, 4:32 am
First of all, you don't hate her, you hate her unpleasant behaviors. Always remember that!

Do you have other kids? Does she feel like she's not getting her share of attention? The next time she has a tantrum, get down on her level, and ask her "What do you want? How can I help?"

I am NOT saying to give in to whatever she's upset about, I'm saying just listen, empathize, and see if you can eventually talk her out of her bad mood. It takes practice, but when she sees that she can't push your buttons anymore, it will be harder for her to act out.

The reason she is using you for an emotional punching bag, is because you are the safest person in her life. Deep down, she knows that she could rob a bank and you'd still love her. With you is when she can let out all of her stress from school, the long day, exhaustion, overstimulation, etc.

I'd guess that 80% of the time it's not even about you - you just happen to be convenient at the time.

The main advice I can give, is to make sure she has a snack with protein in it the SECOND she comes in the door from school, before the negative stuff can set in. Then sit with her and come up with some fun activity she can do. Even a half hour of screen time can be enough to help her regulate and calm down.

If she's still acting really upset, angry, or arguing a lot, ask her how school is going? What's the best thing that happened today? What's the worst thing that happened today? What did the morah say about that? Would you like me to talk to the morah? Tell me more about the good thing that happened today.

Start with the good.
Listen to the bad, suggest action, problem solving, etc.
Go back to the good, and end on a happy note.

I did this with DD when she was 6, and acting badly at home. That's how I found out that she was being bullied (by a rabbi's kid with big yichus and big money. The school did nothing.) I pulled her out at the end of 1st grade.

Once she was out of that school she was like a whole new kid.

Sending you lots of hugs and patience. Parenting is HARD! Hug
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Jewishmom8




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Oct 21 2021, 4:45 am
as a mom with children that are sometimes VERY difficult I want you to know that I understand you.
I am sure you do not really hate her. You hate her behaviors and I am sure you wish things could be different because you love her.
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sequoia




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Oct 21 2021, 6:25 am
OP, I read something interesting recently.

The difference between a happy and unhappy family is how kids are spoken to.

In unhappy families, kids only hear imperative sentences: Eat! Do your homework! Go to bed!

In happy families, kids are spoken to in various modes and are included in more abstract conversations.
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amother




Seagreen
 

Post Thu, Oct 21 2021, 6:35 am
She's 7, this is typical for the age.
Buy her a new coloring book and markers and sit down and color with her. Play racko or othello. Talk to her n a relaxed setting about the importance of not asking "why" or "how do you know" every time you say something. I started answering "because I went to mommy school" and she giggles and moves on.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Oct 21 2021, 8:10 am
Thanx all of you.
I knew it was s a good idea to bring it up here since most of us are in the same boat. It is comforting to hear advice and chizzuk.
Thank you Frannticfrummie.
I have 3 other kids and after school with supper, homework, bath and bed I feel like I don't get the time to talk and converse with her like I should...
any suggestions? I once asked her if she wants to take a school day off to go out with me, she didn't like the idea b/c she didn't want to miss out in school...
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amother




Chicory
 

Post Thu, Oct 21 2021, 8:13 am
That’s really sad. Work on yourself to find out why she triggers you so much.
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post Thu, Oct 21 2021, 8:27 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanx all of you.
I knew it was s a good idea to bring it up here since most of us are in the same boat. It is comforting to hear advice and chizzuk.
Thank you Frannticfrummie.
I have 3 other kids and after school with supper, homework, bath and bed I feel like I don't get the time to talk and converse with her like I should...
any suggestions? I once asked her if she wants to take a school day off to go out with me, she didn't like the idea b/c she didn't want to miss out in school...


I'm going to add to FF's excellent ideas;
I hand my kids a yogurt as soon as they come home. During the warmer months we stick the tubes in the freezer and they have frozen yogurt pops. The combination of cold, sweet and protein just resets everyone.

I like bathtime for some one on one time with younger kids. We shmooze while I wash them and they play. Older kids can get it during bedtime routine.

I also take 1 kid grocery shopping with me. We shmooze while we shop. It can be about what we see, or about their week. I do this Sunday morning and leave DH home with everyone else
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Oct 21 2021, 8:35 am
“You wake up in the morning and you’re in a bad mood already”
Why do you think this is because of your kid? How is your mood in general during the day? Could it be that you’re anxious and tense in general? Do you have joy in your life?
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amother




Blueberry
 

Post Thu, Oct 21 2021, 8:40 am
Is her personality a lot like you?
Do you have self love issues?

I've found this to be a huge trigger with my girls.
If they have a character trait I wish I didn't have, it erks me to no end.
And things go downhill from there.
I love them to death but I often wish my 6 yo isn't around.


Often just a simple hug and being next to them can help.

When my 6yo comes home from school I'll sit with her a few min then engage her in helping me finish last minute things for dinner until my oldest comes home. Helps create that but of connection for the rest of the day.
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fish




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Oct 21 2021, 9:20 am
I totally understand you 😕 I'm in the same boat. One of my kids is so difficult. Every single thing is an argument, even if she asks your opinion (for example if something looks good together) she will argue about what you answered. Even food is an argument, she won't eat any protein and if we try to explain why it's important her answer always is "it's my body it's my decision". I literally have no relationship with her because I stopped engaging (not ignoring! Just never asking her to do anything ect) with her figuring that no relationship is better than a bad one. I wish there was a way to change this cycle. It's so hard. For us it's a combination of ADD and stubbornness 🤷‍♀️ also she reads a ton so if GD forbid I interrupt her reading to ask her if she has homework, eat or help with something she goes nuts.
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Sewsew_mom




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Oct 21 2021, 9:37 am
Zehava wrote:
“You wake up in the morning and you’re in a bad mood already”
Why do you think this is because of your kid? How is your mood in general during the day? Could it be that you’re anxious and tense in general? Do you have joy in your life?

This. We are in control of our own moods. Not anyone else. You need to learn how to regulate yourself so you can react properly. It takes time to understand yourself and why your getting triggered. A lot of times you actually don't know how to respond so you get angry and confused with yourself.
Your daughter is obviously having a hard time and therefore triggering you instead of getting the love/attention she needs.
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miami85




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Oct 21 2021, 9:41 am
I had this with one of my sons and it drove me nuts--especially professionally this is part of my field and I felt so helpless against one of my own children. It was like this from 4 until 7 for sure and then the pandemic hit and over the pandemic a combination of I got to figure out his triggers and also he's matured a lot, he's now at 9 he's one of my best behaved kids. He still has his immature moments--like last night he was calling me an "idiot" because I wouldn't drop everything to get him a bandaid--when I could tell him where they were and he could do it himself, but it has improved.
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amother




Snapdragon
 

Post Thu, Oct 21 2021, 9:45 am
Arguing with everything is a sign their brain is in fight-flight. You need to figure out how to calm their nervous system down. The p word became a dirty word on this site, and neuroinflammation is fast becoming taboo as well, but that’s honestly what comes to mind. This is how I felt when my kids brains were on fire. And I’m sure there’s more going on that OP isn’t writing other than just the arguing that’s making her feel this way. Maybe she herself hasn’t even put her finger on it. But kids like this are really really hard to like at times.
It’s easy to say we are in charge of our own moods and it’s always on us to work through our own triggers, but a lot of our kids brains are way in overdrive and it’s very normal for us to feel stuck around such kids. In fact, I find being told it’s all me made me even more triggered.
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Happydance




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Oct 21 2021, 9:47 am
Look into “the explosive child” book by Ross Greene. Has a very helpful system for dealing with oppositional kids. It completely changed the way I get along with my challenging son
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amother




Bone
 

Post Thu, Oct 21 2021, 10:18 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanx all of you.
I knew it was s a good idea to bring it up here since most of us are in the same boat. It is comforting to hear advice and chizzuk.
Thank you Frannticfrummie.
I have 3 other kids and after school with supper, homework, bath and bed I feel like I don't get the time to talk and converse with her like I should...
any suggestions? I once asked her if she wants to take a school day off to go out with me, she didn't like the idea b/c she didn't want to miss out in school...


I have the same kind of daughter

She needs quality time. She is both clingy and oppositional.
Do find this time, hier a sitter for the others, take your time on shabbes to spend time just with her.

See the good in her!!! I was like that too, my mom's friends were always fond of me and my mom was annoyed. Now my friends are fond of her, and I am annoyed! But the truth is when she is spoken to nicely, she has a more positive attitude.
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amother




Steel
 

Post Thu, Oct 21 2021, 10:49 am
Can you give an example of being argumentative? On a bright note, she seems to be decided to know the reasons for things and not simply blindly obey rules. This can be good for her future, if she learns when it's time to argue and when to listen.
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