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Help me with boundaries
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 1:33 pm
Someone asked for a ride to a wedding. In my first trimester, feel horrible and need to spend time with my husband. Don’t know how to say no
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amother




Bluebonnet
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 1:34 pm
Say I'm going with my husband and we aren't sure what we are doing on the way there or back so I don't think it will work out, sorry.
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amother




Tangerine
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 1:34 pm
“Hey! It’s actually not going to work this time but maybe a different time!”
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amother




Marigold
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 1:37 pm
Just say "I wish I could offer to you, but I'm sorry it won't work out this time."
They may be hurt or upset, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. Just decline graciously.
Could also say "Sorry not sure of our plans or when we're leaving" but then that leaves it open for her to say "Ok so just text me when you're ready, any time is fine with me"

Wow going to a wedding!!! Can't even imagine doing that lol. Not happening yet where we are. Enjoy! Hopefully you will feel good and bshaa tova!
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 1:43 pm
Just say regretfully "I'm sorry we can't ." Period. No babbling, no white lies, no excuses that they can rebut. WHY you can't do it is none of their business. A few months from now you may, if you care to, tell them why you couldn't comply, but you wouldn't be obligated to do so.
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 1:44 pm
amother [ Marigold ] wrote:
Just say "I wish I could offer to you, but I'm sorry it won't work out this time."
They may be hurt or upset, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. Just decline graciously.
Could also say "Sorry not sure of our plans or when we're leaving" but then that leaves it open for her to say "Ok so just text me when you're ready, any time is fine with me"

Wow going to a wedding!!! Can't even imagine doing that lol. Not happening yet where we are. Enjoy! Hopefully you will feel good and bshaa tova!



Thanks!
It’s a close family member, I mean u are aware people are still getting married right?
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 1:45 pm
duplicate post

Last edited by zaq on Fri, Oct 22 2021, 3:24 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Marigold
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 1:48 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks!
It’s a close family member, I mean u are aware people are still getting married right?


For sure! Just not where I live lol. Anyone getting engaged here gets married somewhere else.
A family member - ooh that's a harder. And awkward. Just still say the same thing, there isn't much else you can do except take them and deal.
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 1:48 pm
zaq wrote:
Just say regretfully "I'm sorry we can't ." Period. No babbling, no white lies, no excuses that they can rebut. WHY you can't do it is none of their business. A few months from now you may, if you care to, tell them why you couldn't comply, but you wouldn't be obligated to do so.

BINGO. I learned a long time ago to keep it simple. No need to give a reason, no need to be creative. Just a simple, "I'm sorry, we can't" is perfect and you won't have to worry about being caught in a lie or whatever.
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amother




Honeydew
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 1:52 pm
On a side note, I know of a couple with a lot of kids who decided a long time ago that when they drive long drives, they don't give rides because that's the only time they get to spend together. I thought it was a sweet idea when I heard about it.
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amother




Daylily
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 2:25 pm
I don’t see why you can’t say you are having a makeshift date night with hubby
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amother




Lightblue
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 2:28 pm
We don't give rides on long drives. I don't offer an excuse either. I say "sorry, we can't"
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 2:32 pm
amother [ Daylily ] wrote:
I don’t see why you can’t say you are having a makeshift date night with hubby


The less said, the better. Because if she says this, the other people will rebut "So have a date another night" or "you won't even know we're there" or something equally useful.
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amother




Poinsettia
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 2:33 pm
Nows a great time for me to re share a story I've shared previously. I was married, newish. I went for shab to my parents who live out of town. I booked mikvah Sunday night in the beautiful OOT mikvah
On Sunday my mother harassed me to give my sivling a ride back into town. I said sorry they can take public transportation.

She pestered me more (how dare I make my sibling pay, etc) and so I said we have a date planned in the city and then she said so drive sibling until the city and then they take the subway!
That didn't happen but gosh.

Op learn to say no even to your own mother or siblings. Smile "sorry that won't work for us"
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amother




Daylily
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 2:33 pm
zaq wrote:
The less said, the better. Because if she says this, the other people will rebut "So have a date another night" or "you won't even know we're there" or something equally useful.


Oh. I’m so thankful not to have people like this in my life!
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Oct 22 2021, 3:26 pm
Sometimes it's tempting to tell a nudnik "I"m going to the proctologist, OK?" just to see them turn red and back off (pun not intended).
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chocolate moose




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:35 pm
a friend said, "it's too long of a trip to have an extra person in the car with us".
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amother




Tealblue
 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:38 pm
What does being pregnant have to do with not wanting to give a ride?
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Amelia Bedelia




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:42 pm
Maybe she tends to get carsick when pregnant and doesn't want to announce it yet?
Regardless, it's hard to have unwanted guest when you're not feeling the greatest.
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dankbar




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:42 pm
amother [ Tealblue ] wrote:
What does being pregnant have to do with not wanting to give a ride?


Some pregnant people get motion sickness on long drives
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