I cannot handle my daughter. I'm done.

amother

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:30 pm

My daughter is preteen and she is impossible.
She throws tantrums and is nasty to everyone around her. She is sweet and kind in other environments but at home she is cruel and out of control.
I am done.
I have tried everything. She is in therapy. I am in therapy with her. She does great in therapy but none of it translates. She is horrible to her siblings and will even hit the baby when she is upset (of course I protect the baby). Shes been on medication. It hardly helps. She has creative outlets and lots of friends. I don't get it.
She used to be a regular kid with intense emotions. Now (over the past few years) she is either in tantrum meltdown mode or spewing nasty comments. There is no other state.
She drains us all and has ruined the atmosphere in our home. It's unfair to her siblings to say the least.
She has a gazillion special privileges, she has special one on one time, I have tried empathy and consistent expectations with rewards and consequences. I am emotionally done. I am on empty. This is killing my sholom bayis. I have no idea how to parent her. And my husband is even worse.

If you can't tell I'm at the end of my rope. If you have nothing nice or supportive or helpful to say keep quiet.

104

amother

Peony

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:35 pm

She’s a teen
This too shall pass
You don’t need to see and hear everything
You don’t need to respond or comment to everything she says or does
Of course if it’s dangerous take action otherwise it’s just a way of her trying to get your attention. Please ignore it as much as you can so that you both come out in tact and don’t do or say anything stupid that will ruin your relationship.
Mom of 5. Youngest 16 Bh!!

amother

Cadetblue

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:48 pm

My brother was that kid. He BH sorted himself out and is happily married and a good father. He got into martial arts and meditation along the way.

My childhood was painful largely because of him. But I’m also a deeper and sensitive person for it. I forgive him. He told me has no memory of what he did in those years.

My parents did the best they could. I know they tried hard. I don’t blame them.

My heart goes out to you. Sometimes there are no easy solutions in the now but they resolve over time.

amother

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:49 pm

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

I was that kid.

Take more space for yourself and speak to the therapist about boundaries that are not negotiable.

It’s sounds like you’re doing everything u can.

How can non negotiable be enforced? She literally listens to no one and no consequences work.

amother

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:49 pm

amother [ Stonewash ] wrote:

OP does she do anything to make you believe she has anxiety? Are you interested in hearing how her behavior may be tied to brain inflammation or this isn’t a road you want to go down?

She is on medication for anxiety.

amother

Stonewash

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:52 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She is on medication for anxiety.

Thats a good indication that brain inflammation may be at the root of her other issues but I don’t want to say more if you’re not interested. Is the medication working at all?

amother

Cyan

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:52 pm

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

I was that kid.

Take more space for yourself and speak to the therapist about boundaries that are not negotiable.

It’s sounds like you’re doing everything u can.

Just to add a bit- I have since been diagnosed with PMDD- a mood disorder tied to PMS. So half the month I would be in pain and have out of control mood swings. It’s was a huge relief to know what’s up and together with my doc and therapist I have it mostly managed.

Can I suggest looking into DBT for your daughter? I know in monsey they had a teen program this summer. Not sure if ppl know of other ones. Even getting the teen workbook for you to look at…

amother

Hosta

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:52 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She is on medication for anxiety.

Since you say it isn't working I encourage you to entertain the concept of physical causing these issues and ask that poster for more info

hesha

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:55 pm

This is so hard . I’ve seen it up close with family members and it’s a true challenge
Would she be interested in an out of town high school with a dorm? If she is good natured in other environments, maybe being away from home will be a good fit?

amother

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 8:59 pm

amother [ Stonewash ] wrote:

Thats a good indication that brain inflammation may be at the root of her other issues but I don’t want to say more if you’re not interested. Is the medication working at all?

I'm interested in anything that will help. But if its something she has to do like a change of diet, it's not going to work. She will just tantrum about that. I need less stuff I'm trying to get her to do.

amother

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 9:00 pm

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

She is 10.
No period yet.
Not sure teen things will work.

amother

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 9:14 pm

amother [ Dustypink ] wrote:

Did you ever do a neuropsych eval?

Nope. Never saw the need to. This has all come up in the last few years and getting worse. She definitely has anxiety and maybe a mood disorder. I'm not sure. I've taken my other kids. She was my neurotypical one. Facepalm.

amother

Phlox

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 9:17 pm

I had a kid like this. She’s 18 now and it Bh passed and she is an amazing daughter and sister now! I don’t really have any advice for you other than what you’re already doing, and try to keep a decent relationship with her. Protect the other kids as best as possible and remember this: I once heard an amazing person say the same hashem who is giving you this difficult daughter right now is also giving your other kids this difficult sister right now. You don’t need to shoulder it fully and feel the need to make it right for them! Daven daven and hopefully all will turn out ok.
I really feel for you. They were the hardest years of my life and I’ve had some pretty tough ones.

P.s. try not to let it impact your shalom Bayis. It’s really important that your daughter see that you and dh are a rock solid team. Otherwise she will manipulate that. Take time for yourselves to de stress and have calm enjoyable times together without her. Date nights. Work on it. It’s worth it.
Good luck!!!

amother

Stonewash

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 9:23 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Anxiety and all the other behaviors you’re describing are symptoms of a brain in constant fight-flight, sympathetic mode, high arousal all the time. It’s acts as if she’s under constant threat, even if she’s not. You need to figure out how to calm her nervous system down. There are many causes for this, and many ways to address it. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s the only thing that help with her behavior.
Would you/she be willing to try some over the counter medication that can help with brain inflammation?
Would your pedi be willing to run some testing to see what may be causing this?
Would you be interested in seeing a functional md that can help you uncover the root causes for your child’s behaviors?
This book is a really good place to learn more about possible medical/biological/physical root causes for behavioral issues https://www.amazon.com/Brain-I....._BOOK