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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
I cannot handle my daughter. I'm done.
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 12:35 am
Have you read the book the explosive child? I think the method of the book could really help you. You can read more about it https://livesinthebalance.org/.....lies/
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amother
Cognac


 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 3:52 am
I really sympathize.
I know of a family who had a child with severe special needs. When their other children were little the kids were fine. As they started getting into teenage years the problems started with some of the children and got a lot worse over the years. One of those children now is happily married with a baby.

I think it might be that your daughter will get worse and it will be difficult for you but she will IY"H get over it and at some point she will be a pleasure to be with.

It is very hard. Find different ways of distracting and caring for yourself.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 9:01 am
BTDT, sending you lots of love and koach! Just read my old parenting threads. 6 years ago I was right where you are now.

I didn't read every single post, but if anyone has suggested allergy testing, PLEASE go do it!

DD recently got diagnosed with Celiac. Once she went gluten free her entire brain structure and gut health improved for the better. She says that there are so many yummy new foods on the market, she doesn't even notice that gluten free "bread" and "pizza crust" aren't the real thing. She just needs to be careful when eating out, not to get any hidden gluten in her food.

Yes, your DD will probably tantrum about a change in diet. She's tantruming already, so what's new?
She'll be an absolute monster for a few weeks while the allergens detox from her system, and then you can repopulate her gut with good bacteria and foods that are not so reactive.

BTW, even and "intolerance", which is not a full blown allergy, can have devastating effect on a person's system.

I think you'll enjoy this video about how the brain matures. It answers a lot of questions.

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amother
Canary


 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 9:35 am
OP so sorry you're dealing with this. I was almost afraid to keep checking back this thread because I feel like I'm almost where you are and if more time passes this is where we're heading. My daughter is a little younger than yours but sounds exactly the same to a lesser degree. We always thought she'd outgrow this whatever it is but she definitely is not. We've talked to therapists and recently had her seeing a therapist and getting some one on one support in school (not exactly therapy but sort of coaching on how to deal with stress, executive functioning things). She likes all the one on one attention but nothing seems to come of it. I spend so much time trying to figure out what would help. My husband is at his wits end. It's so painful. All my research lately is making me think that we need to tackle this from an OT angle. I think it could be something like sensory processing disorder but she's so functional in general that it's hard for anyone outside of close family to believe that there's something going on. But I suspect that she's having sensory meltdowns ALL THE TIME. Not gonna derail your thread with all my details but happy to give you more info about why I think this if it could help. It's so hard and so complicated to navigate. I have to have hope that things will get better...I hope they do for you too
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amother
Lightgray


 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 9:40 am
amother [ Canary ] wrote:
OP so sorry you're dealing with this. I was almost afraid to keep checking back this thread because I feel like I'm almost where you are and if more time passes this is where we're heading. My daughter is a little younger than yours but sounds exactly the same to a lesser degree. We always thought she'd outgrow this whatever it is but she definitely is not. We've talked to therapists and recently had her seeing a therapist and getting some one on one support in school (not exactly therapy but sort of coaching on how to deal with stress, executive functioning things). She likes all the one on one attention but nothing seems to come of it. I spend so much time trying to figure out what would help. My husband is at his wits end. It's so painful. All my research lately is making me think that we need to tackle this from an OT angle. I think it could be something like sensory processing disorder but she's so functional in general that it's hard for anyone outside of close family to believe that there's something going on. But I suspect that she's having sensory meltdowns ALL THE TIME. Not gonna derail your thread with all my details but happy to give you more info about why I think this if it could help. It's so hard and so complicated to navigate. I have to have hope that things will get better...I hope they do for you too

OT helped us a lot.
If anything it will teach your dd to understand what she’s feeling in her body and to learn how to self soothe.

But find someone who will treat your child as an adult with respect - perhaps an OT who works with teens and adults. Some OT’s can try to force your child to cooperate and it can make things worse- a good OT will get her on board.
(Ultimately an OT who specializes in floortime was extremely helpful - male though
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amother
Lightgray


 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 9:41 am
Op- just wanna send you hugs- I found that this age and stage was so hard for my children and the teen years were easier believe it or not
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 9:51 am
mha3484 wrote:
Have you read the book the explosive child? I think the method of the book could really help you. You can read more about it https://livesinthebalance.org/.....lies/


Yes I have. I have had minimal success with it. The conversations don't impact in the moment. Same with her therapy.
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amother
Brass


 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 10:15 am
Please stop drugging your little girl. All these medications are big pharma propaganda. Physicians are paid to prescribe and don’t even know what they’re doing because the whole system is bought and paid for. Do you really think so many children have serious psychiatric disorders? All of a sudden?
Look at her diet. Try keto
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 11:04 am
amother [ Cappuccino ] wrote:
Blood tests for different infections and inflammation markers is a start. Not all pediatricians believe in it. So it can be an uphill battle to fight for your kid.


Instead of being vague about "blood tests" why don't you just answer In one post the tests OP should be looking at.
Why the need to make OP pull teeth?
She already said she's open to exploring all options.
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anonymrs




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 11:21 am
amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:
Instead of being vague about "blood tests" why don't you just answer In one post the tests OP should be looking at.
Why the need to make OP pull teeth?
She already said she's open to exploring all options.

Why so nasty?
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amother
White


 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 11:39 am
Firstly, I can't imagine the hardships you are going through now and I daven that you should figure out what will help your daughter. I don't know if this is at all related, but I am dealing now with my 6 year old son who has PANDAS and literally turned into a different child (for the worse) over the past month. He had PANDAS last year around this time, I was the one who figured it out and told the doctor. BH my doctor is a big believer in PANDAS as is any mother who ever had a child with it, as there are many doctors out there who will refuse to recognize and treat PANDAS, instead saying the child has an emotional/mental health issue.

Last year, my doctor put my son on antibiotics Azitromax (I think I spelled that wrong) and he ended up being on it for 60 days and then being weaned off it the next 30 days after which I gave him probiotics for about 3 months. (I am someone who rarely gives antibiotics to my children for example I don't generally give for ear infections but here I had no choice). Already by 60 days, I saw a massive improvement - I had my son back.

I am starting him on the same protocol now. It started the same time he started yeshiva so at first I thought it was just hard for him to sit and he needed to adjust, but by now I am sure it is PANDAS and we went back to the same doctor after Sukkos. I daven that it helps this time as much as it helped last year.

PANDAS can be undiagnosed or mis-diagnosed for years, causing the cases to be more complex than just taking antibiotics for a few months. BH by us, we realized within a few months, but if it is PANDAS your daughter has and it was going on for a few years, don't expect it to be gone in a few months, although Hashem can do anything. I do know someone who has a preteen/teenage daughter suffering from PANDAS and it wasn't diagnosed for years and some symptoms you described sound similar to what she has. Again, I have no idea if this is what your daughter has but I just wanted to share a possible cause. I wish you a lot of hatzlacha!
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amother
Hunter


 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 12:25 pm
2 books worth a read

https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/.....07024

https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/.....77282
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 12:32 pm
amother [ Hunter ] wrote:
2 books worth a read

https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/.....07024

https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/.....77282


I've read these books and tried them. My husband doesn't want me reading any more books, he said it's just making me feel like I'm failing again and in new ways.
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 12:33 pm
I have a very similar situation. My oldest is almost 11 and has a host of challenges. My 7 year old struggles a lot emotionally in many ways you described. I think part is just how he is and part is a reaction to my older sons challenges. They butt up against each other and it’s not easy for him.

I listened to a podcast from Normal Frum Women this week. The topic was neuro-diverse children and the psychologist they interviewed had some really interesting ideas about how our kids behavior is linked to all different types of stress. Her name is Illysa Bass. https://drilyssabass.com/ it’s worth a listen.
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bigsis144




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 12:43 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I've read these books and tried them. My husband doesn't want me reading any more books, he said it's just making me feel like I'm failing again and in new ways.


YES. THIS EXACTLY.
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amother
Daylily


 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 1:02 pm
amother [ Dustypink ] wrote:
If she does well out of the house I would send her. Some kids need a break from home and they come back a different child. Maybe she's reacting to the high demands of everyone around her ( father with anxiety, siblings with special needs.. )


Agree with this. Give her a chance to have some successful relationships. Will give her confidence. Right now she is just constantly on defense and butting heads at home.

Is she in a self fulfilling prophecy cycle? She knows she is acting horrible but does she believe she is horrible also now?

From a distance, you can appreciate her and allow her some space and give you a breather also. You can have communication via letters that is non-judgmental and supportive.

To be honset, I still struggle with the persona I was given as a child by my parents. Certain tendencies and also examples lead me to react a certain way as a child sometimes. Left me feeling like it was my fault. I came to the conclusion I was just naturally not a nice person and that lead to low self esteem. I was constantly told I was a brat and was selfish and ungrateful. I should have inherantly known to put my paretns feelings and sacrifices first, no matter my age.
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amother
Lightgray


 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 1:05 pm
amother [ Daylily ] wrote:
Agree with this. Give her a chance to have some successful relationships. Will give her confidence. Right now she is just constantly on defense and butting heads at home.

Is she in a self fulfilling prophecy cycle? She knows she is acting horrible but does she believe she is horrible also now?

From a distance, you can appreciate her and allow her some space and give you a breather also. You can have communication via letters that is non-judgmental and supportive.

To be honset, I still struggle with the persona I was given as a child by my parents. Certain tendencies and also examples lead me to react a certain way as a child sometimes. Left me feeling like it was my fault. I came to the conclusion I was just naturally not a nice person and that lead to low self esteem. I was constantly told I was a brat and was selfish and ungrateful. I should have inherantly known to put my paretns feelings and sacrifices first, no matter my age.

I feel like this is me.

Thanks for sharing this
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A_Mother_First




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 1:07 pm
amother [ Cyan ] wrote:
Just to add a bit- I have since been diagnosed with PMDD- a mood disorder tied to PMS. So half the month I would be in pain and have out of control mood swings. It’s was a huge relief to know what’s up and together with my doc and therapist I have it mostly managed.

Can I suggest looking into DBT for your daughter? I know in monsey they had a teen program this summer. Not sure if ppl know of other ones. Even getting the teen workbook for you to look at…


I second DBT for emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness.

if you cannot find a DBT group, perhaps try to find a therapist who is DBT certified. And there are DBT workbooks that you can read that may help you deal with her. The fact that she can act appropriate and sweet when she chooses to, in some environments, is an indicator that she does have some control over her moods and behaviors. This is good and means that there is hope she can learn how to be that way at home too.
Also, what consequences have you tried that you feel were not working? Maybe she has too many privileges, and the approach should be that she has none, until she earns them back one by one. (edited to clarify that obviously I do not advocate taking away basic rights and needs, such as meals and board, but anything else that is extra, like screen time, special activities, spending money, special treats that she enjoys etc.) Also giving her some minor duties / responsibilities around the house that will give her a sense of importance and accomplishment, and will make her feel like a contributing family member, instead of the entire household revolving around her and her moods may shift the family dynamics. She is out of control and needs predictability and consistency. Sometimes things don't seem to work at first, but if you stick to your guns and don't give up, she will see that you mean business and may start cooperating. I know none of this is easy...

I feel for you, and sending you positive thoughts and vibes. B"H, things will get better. Hang in there.


Last edited by A_Mother_First on Sun, Oct 24 2021, 1:19 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Azalea


 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 1:10 pm
anonymrs wrote:
Why so nasty?


It’s not nasty, it’s a reasonable request.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 1:13 pm
mha3484 wrote:
I have a very similar situation. My oldest is almost 11 and has a host of challenges. My 7 year old struggles a lot emotionally in many ways you described. I think part is just how he is and part is a reaction to my older sons challenges. They butt up against each other and it’s not easy for him.

I listened to a podcast from Normal Frum Women this week. The topic was neuro-diverse children and the psychologist they interviewed had some really interesting ideas about how our kids behavior is linked to all different types of stress. Her name is Illysa Bass. https://drilyssabass.com/ it’s worth a listen.


Thank u. Will listen.
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