Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children
PSA: Dont ever miss a childs performance for anything!
Previous  1  2  3  4  5  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

honeymoon




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:01 pm
amother [ Cherry ] wrote:
OP you must be joking. And your husband sounds like possibly the least resilient person in the history of Man kind or your IL were deeply neglectful and this was something your husband remembers but it was really much much more. A well attached child with well bonded parents will NOT be traumatized from such shtuyot


This is probably the least kind post in the history of mankind, if were taking the histrionics route.

A chumash seuda is not shtuyot. Do they do it in your community? It seems that not. It is a monumental affair in many communities and the parents I know would not miss it. Our school does it on a Sunday and makes sure to accommodate all parents. Yes, it takes a while to settle on a date but ultimately they will make sure that every child has at least one parent attending because it is important to them. It can hurt even the most well attached child. Some children wouldn't care, some will be hurt for a day and some will hurt longer than that.

It is, indeed, possible that op's husband was hurt more deeply because there was a history of abandonment. Even more reason not to make light of his hurt.
Back to top

amother
Thistle


 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:01 pm
“Only two young single brothers”.
Better than no family which is what I had at a sixth grade presentation. My mom had just given birth- and found out that the baby was a Down’s syndrome baby( mid 1970’s). No other family members lived here. My mom’s freind took pictures- her dd was a classmate.
Honestly- if not for the pics, I most probably would not remember the event.
These events are important to children- but to be traumatized because a parent couldn’t be there? Especially if siblings were?
I wonder if there is more to the story?
Whose wedding? Why did siblings not go? Where were they staying if parents weren’t home?
And to those who say schools accommodate changes- nope - our grandson’s chimash seuda was on the same day as our sons wedding. We had family from overseas- we asked and they said they couldn’t. So we couldn’t be there- life happens.
Back to top

amother
Clematis


 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:02 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Um no a childs performance is wayyyy more important than a wedding. you do whatever you can to be by a childs performance or at least try to work out coming to a rehearsal or something in the worst case


Who are you to say a performance is more important than a wedding. Whose wedding? What kind of performance. They don’t let you come to rehearsals. And schools love to make ridiculous numbers of performances for each kid. Who has that much time off? And when I do genuinely want to be at both, the school will be completely inflexible and insist something important needs to be on the same day and time as something important at another kid’s school. I told both schools. Neither would budge. They set me up to disappoint one of my kids.
Back to top

honeymoon




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:04 pm
amother [ Clematis ] wrote:
Who are you to say a performance is more important than a wedding. Whose wedding? What kind of performance. They don’t let you come to rehearsals. And schools love to make ridiculous numbers of performances for each kid. Who has that much time off? And when I do genuinely want to be at both, the school will be completely inflexible and insist something important needs to be on the same day and time as something important at another kid’s school. I told both schools. Neither would budge. They set me up to disappoint one of my kids.


There is a big difference between any random performance and a chumash seuda imho. Many parents won't be able to attend every single performance, for various reasons, and most children can handle that, no problem.
I do think chumash seudas, siddur parties and graduations fall into a different category and most schools will schedule the date to accommodate the parents.
Back to top

amother
Clematis


 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:05 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I know people whove gone to a siblings wedding 3 days post baby. Why is a childs performance any different if not more important?


3 days post baby, my cankles aren’t down enough for me to wear shoes. If my sibling was insensitive enough to schedule their wedding when I was due, they would deserve me FaceTiming from the couch to say mazel tov. Luckily though, the one time it was pertinent, the wedding was scheduled for the last week I would be allowed to fly prior to delivery- because the sibling in question cared enough to have me there.
Back to top

amother
Clematis


 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:09 pm
honeymoon wrote:
There is a big difference between any random performance and a chumash seuda imho. Many parents won't be able to attend every single performance, for various reasons, and most children can handle that, no problem.
I do think chumash seudas, siddur parties and graduations fall into a different category and most schools will schedule the date to accommodate the parents.


I only missed one Chumash seudah because of a levaya. BH it was a boy and my husband went. I had two graduations on the same day 40 minutes apart last year. The child I went to first is still disappointed. I wanted to see them both walk down. In the meantime, I missed kid A’s solo. I brought a family member and left kids at the first graduation, but she was sad.
Back to top

amother
Orange


 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:12 pm
I once worked in a preschool nursery class. We made an end of year performance the whole thing lasted 5 minutes one mother was 10 minutes they didnt wait for her the kid was sobbing I left because of that.
Back to top

amother
Violet


 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:12 pm
Here we go again mommy guilting. Agree with the poster who said schools make ridiculous number of programs. Everything being in Zoom last year was a mechaya!!

It's no so simple for working parents.
I find just about everything school related irritating beyond belief. I think I missed one or two events among the zillion they each have. I wish wish wish the schools would limit these things to one or two times a year max.
Let's not forget every bake sale, challah bake, PTA event, mother daughter brunch etc.....
Enough!
My parents didn't show to anything. Yes it hurt. I don't carry scars as an adult. We try to go but this mommy guilting is just out of control.
How do the schools think we pay for our kids to be in school??? Our jobs! Which many people can't afford to take days for in irder to use those days for yom tov.
Back to top

Sara B.




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:14 pm
I would not care if one of my sisters missed my wedding. I do remember that my mother missed my siddur play. Doesn't bother me, but I remember.
Back to top

amother
Linen


 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:17 pm
Am I the only one who clearly remembers not caring about this as a child? My parents didn’t visit on visiting day either but they made sure to drive me to camp and were very available in other ways.

My dad travelled for work and while my mom was SAHM she did miss some things.
Back to top

amother
Crystal


 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:23 pm
Went to my daughter's chumash performance straight from getting up from sitting shiva for my father. I didn't even shower properly. Just got dressed, put on makeup and went, with my mother to the school. Rabbi Gissinger Ztz"l told me that both my mother and myself must go to the entire thing, despite music. I asked if we were allowed and he said we are mechuyav to go! The only thing we were told to do differently was to stand instead of making ourselves comfortable. The school did push off the performance for about an hour to give us time to get dressed and show up. My daughter was already traumatized by my father's sudden passing and shiva. (We did note that my father was teasing her in the previous weeks that he wanted to attend, but she would say, "only for mommys and babbies." Now he was able to watch her from shamayim.)
Back to top

Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:23 pm
observer wrote:
Even if you personally didn't enjoy it, don't you think it meant the world to your child that you came?

That's the point. Some of my kids probably did, but others couldn't have cared less.

And don't even get me started on the idiocy of 8th grade graduations.

I'm sure it varies from school to school and may have changed since my kids were young, but schools that schedule events in the middle of the day are asking for trouble. It's usually easier for working parents to go themselves or recruit an acceptable substitute after typical work hours.

Even better: don't emphasize to the kids the alleged nachas parents will get or how proud parents will be. It just sets kids up for disappointment. Even the kid whose mother shleps in at the last minute will compare his lot unfavorably with the classmate whose extended mishpacha arrives bearing ballons.

My boys' cheder began many years ago reducing the number of events at which parents were expected. Boys in the older division put on plays for the younger division, and minor milestones in the younger division were applauded by the older boys. It made for nice camaraderie among the boys and excused parents from all but the truly important events.
Back to top

amother
Gray


 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:28 pm
Op, you sound like your just interested in knocking your in laws. Really nasty if you ask me.
I have never missed a child’s anything in over 20 years of marriage and many kids, but if I had a close wedding, yea I would miss whatever it was.you honestly sound extremely you g and immature. Your in laws probably had a good reason to go overseas to a wedding. It must of been someone close, because tickets are also expensive. If in all these years your husband hasn’t matured, discussed it with his parents and figured it out, well I’m scared about his resilience in other areas.he definitely doesn’t need a gloating wife over how evil her in laws are.
Back to top

amother
Mayflower


 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:36 pm
My girls have one school performance a year. The boys each have one chumash seuda and that is all (no graduations, maybe a preschool performance or two). Chassidish schools. Not too hard to make it work. However, I did once call a teacher to accommodate my due date and also once cut my once-a-year vacation short due to another performance whose date couldn't be changed (of course, the additional expense of new plane ticket).
What irks me is when schools can't give more notice. When I book nonrefundable tickets to Miami at least two months before while the school only informs us of a school performance a week or two before.
Back to top

amother
Crystal


 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:39 pm
amother [ Gray ] wrote:
Op, you sound like your just interested in knocking your in laws. Really nasty if you ask me.
I have never missed a child’s anything in over 20 years of marriage and many kids, but if I had a close wedding, yea I would miss whatever it was.you honestly sound extremely you g and immature. Your in laws probably had a good reason to go overseas to a wedding. It must of been someone close, because tickets are also expensive. If in all these years your husband hasn’t matured, discussed it with his parents and figured it out, well I’m scared about his resilience in other areas.he definitely doesn’t need a gloating wife over how evil her in laws are.


I think your misreading op. I don't think she's bashing her in-laws. I am actually under the impression that her husband, and herself, have a good relationship with in-laws. I think this is a psa. She was so surprised how much of an impact this made on her husband and understands that adults might not realize how important it feels to a child, so she wants to get the message out.
I just realized that my mother has a childhood friend who is a somewhat famous personality in the frum world. Whenever she would name drop her or "brag" about their relationship, she would always say "oh plonis almonis? She attended my graduation with her mother because my parents were out of town." She could have said, her bungalow was next to mine, we played Barbies with each other, we once did xyz mischief together etc. But it's always the same anecdote about her parents missing her graduation. She never sounds upset about it or anything, but I think there is a reason that this is such a strong memory.
Back to top

amother
Crystal


 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:41 pm
I do think the schools should make it easier for parents. My dds' school only allow one event per year per class. I think that's reasonable.
Back to top

happyone




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:44 pm
Life happens. As much as we try ive missed performances. Ive been out of state with a child in the hospital, once on bedrest and once some other situation. gOd help if my adult children hold that against me. I pray that they are resilient enough to not harbor bad feelings as adults when they see a bigger picture.
Youre husband must have more issues with his parents than a missed performance.
Im sorry for him that its a sore source of pain.
Back to top

amother
Camellia


 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:45 pm
Another vote for encouraging your DH to get over it, versus guilt tripping legions of mothers for not dropping everything for yet another random performance at 11am on a Tuesday.

(Apparently no one ever works, ever.)

I’ll start my own PSA: your mother is human and also what on earth is a Chumash party and why is it so life shatteringly important?!
Back to top

amother
Mayflower


 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:48 pm
I remember whenever I had a school function and would check with my mother if she would come, her response was, "Do I have a choice?"
I always felt like, "at least pretend you want to come, for me."
Back to top

#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:51 pm
amother [ Violet ] wrote:
Here we go again mommy guilting. Agree with the poster who said schools make ridiculous number of programs. Everything being in Zoom last year was a mechaya!!

It's no so simple for working parents.
I find just about everything school related irritating beyond belief. I think I missed one or two events among the zillion they each have. I wish wish wish the schools would limit these things to one or two times a year max.
Let's not forget every bake sale, challah bake, PTA event, mother daughter brunch etc.....
Enough!
My parents didn't show to anything. Yes it hurt. I don't carry scars as an adult. We try to go but this mommy guilting is just out of control.
How do the schools think we pay for our kids to be in school??? Our jobs! Which many people can't afford to take days for in irder to use those days for yom tov.


My DIL is a Kindergarten Boys Morah (Private in Lakewood) and she cancelled the
graduation/Aleph-Bais Siyum because it is hard on working parents.

She makes a siyum barbecue party for the class without parents.

She does ONE parent-child activity - a Chanukah carnival.
Back to top
Page 2 of 5 Previous  1  2  3  4  5  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Went to nursing school at 54. Ask me anything. 38 Fri, Mar 22 2024, 1:16 am View last post
Would you even say anything?
by amother
1 Mon, Mar 04 2024, 4:01 am View last post
by salt
Daughters school performance
by amother
12 Tue, Feb 27 2024, 9:46 am View last post
Anything special for Purim Koton?
by corolla
0 Thu, Feb 22 2024, 9:06 am View last post
I’m SuperWify and I’ll AYA (ask YOU anything) 640 Sun, Jan 28 2024, 6:24 am View last post