PSA: Dont ever miss a childs performance for anything!

amother

Buttercup

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:53 pm

When a child is in school that is their whole life. And many look forward to these performances and they are happy to have a place to shine and do something other than school work. It is important to most kids. Yes some are shy and have stage fright but they often still feel proud of it. And yes kids need to feel important and seen. If you can't go, it's not the end of the world as long as you handle it properly. You need to keep in mind it is a huge deal to most children so don't tell your child it's just a stupid performance who cares if I'm there. Make it up to them in other ways and be enthusiastic about it even if you won't be there.

I think some of the responses are really rude and hurtful. So what if you feel differently, that's not a reason to respond so harshly. You can state your disagreement in kinder words.

amother

Eggplant

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:55 pm

I think we need to make things work the best we can and most schools accommodate the parents. My dd had a purim play last year. My baby was 1 week old. I went with the baby. There were 2 other mothers who had just had babies as well. Both didnt come. I think they sent grandparents. The principal was amazing and made the girls feel so special. Of course we sent the videos out to their mothers. Also and my daughter's school, they usually do not start the performance until all the parents are there. They will actually sit there and call parents to ask if they are coming before letting the kids in to make sure that everybody is supposed to be there is.

amother

DarkOrange

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:56 pm

I know people who’ve come to performances a few days post baby as well (like Chanukah or end of year ones).

I’ve gone to all except the Chanukah one that I had a doctor’s appointment for my baby about 2 hours before my child’s performance and baby needed the emergency room for RSV. I felt terrible that I wasn’t there and couldn’t prep him at all:(

honeymoon

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:58 pm

amother [ Camellia ] wrote:

Another vote for encouraging your DH to get over it, versus guilt tripping legions of mothers for not dropping everything for yet another random performance at 11am on a Tuesday.

(Apparently no one ever works, ever.)

I’ll start my own PSA: your mother is human and also what on earth is a Chumash party and why is it so life shatteringly important?!

I agree with you about random performances. On a Tuesday morning.

I'm not sure which community you are from but in my community a chumash seuda, especially for the boys, is a big deal. That's why our school does it on a Sunday, when most parents don't work, and they schedule it with the input of the parents.

amother

Papayawhip

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 11:00 pm

honeymoon wrote:

In our community we don't do a chumash seuda b'shitta so maybe that is why I'm not understanding the responses.

amother

Plum

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 11:10 pm

It’s a bit harsh to make blanket statements like this.
I think as adults we can all understand that there can be lots of nuance in this conversation.

We usually know the dates of big performances and graduations months in advance. So yeh, a parent davka scheduling a business trip on that day is hurtful and would probably make a kid feel like the parent didn’t care so much to be there for them.

But something coming up suddenly preventing a parent from attending is totally different.

Also there are many ways to try make sure that your child understands that you do care.
- make sure other people are there
- speak to the child and prepare them
- leave a card or gift for them to receive at the performance
- talk the the teachers, make sure they know

My daughter was born a couple of weeks early and I couldn’t go to my 3 year old sons end of year performance.
His teachers knew I wouldn’t be there and made a big deal over him. Both his grandmothers went and made sure to video it for me.
I watched it later with him and he loved the attention.

sky

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 11:12 pm

My dd Chumash party was the day I left hospital after birth. I wanted to go. My dh offered to drop me off and wait out front. I physically couldn’t do it. I felt horrible.

So many ppl stepped in to make it special.

A friend baked gorgeous cookies with dd for the after party.
A few family members showed up with gifts for the performance.
The school sent home a video the next day for us to watch together.
Her teacher talked to her that I couldn’t be there and made her feel special.

I’m sure she was sad. But we discussed it and in the end she seemed ok with the situation. It’s a few years later and she told me she doesn’t remember if I was there or not.

amother

Sage

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 11:13 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Um no a childs performance is wayyyy more important than a wedding. you do whatever you can to be by a childs performance or at least try to work out coming to a rehearsal or something in the worst case

Why is it hard to understand that everyone is different and most would probably not be traumatized by parents missing a performance. It sounds like your DH would benefit from therapy to set him straight if he is STILL bothered by this all these years later.

amother

Jean

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 11:23 pm

Sure school performances and occasions are important to the child and most parents know that. No one skips them to go shopping or to go to the spa.

But there are things bigger than the performances, like idk, maybe giving birth, the flu, and an oversees wedding that is important enough to fly there for.

The parent arranges the best they can to make it up and someone to be there.

I think your dh should have come to understand it as an adult. How young are you? Do you have a child in a school performance yet?

amother

Gladiolus

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 11:25 pm

Personally, I think that a child’s response to whether or not a parent misses a chummashyparty or any event, it’s likely based on the parent and child’s relationship. Does the child feel like they are prioritized and important to the parent, or an afterthought and a bother? Obviously the child’s self-esteem and related issues will factor in as well. I would like to believe that a child who feels like the parent is always there for them, prioritizes them, and they are the most important thing (along with siblings) in their parents life, is going to be understanding. However, a child who feels like their parent never has enough time for them, and doesn’t really care about them, it’s going to be much more hurt.

I don’t think the specific incident is the issue, it is the symptom, not the cause.

sushilover

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 11:31 pm

amother [ Sage ] wrote:

It's ok for him to be bothered by it and even sad when he thinks about it. It's the fact that he's traumatized that worries me.

Sometimes childhood trauma makes us react irrationally when it comes to our children. I know someone who was traumatized about being a latch-key kid and her parents seeming to prioritize their married children over her. As a result, she will NEVER miss her child's bus, even refusing to accompany her elderly mother to the cardiologist because it meant missing the bus, and not visiting her daughter in the hospital after she gave birth because she didn't want her 11 year old to feel left out. She was parenting at those times from a place of trauma and guilt, not logic.

Never is a dangerous word when it comes to parenting. Use it with caution.

honeymoon

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 11:35 pm

amother [ Gladiolus ] wrote:

Agree 100%. That being said, dismissing anyone's experience as nonsense is not being sensitive to the complexities of childhood scars.

amother

Foxglove

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 12:05 am

My parents once missed a performance of mine because they got into a car accident on the way there (bh they were fine). I do remember looking into the audience and feeling distressed and wondering why they weren't there, though of course I completely understood after the shoe when I was informed of what had happened. Life happens sometimes, it's important for kids to be able to roll with the punches.

amother

Ivory

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 12:14 am

Ladies, put yourself into the shoe of a child. And think from a child perspective before making a decision to miss a performance. I don’t think you have to be a sensitive kid to be bothered when a parent misses a performance. Kids are kids and don’t always grasp that things might come up causing a parent to miss a performance. Handling it in the right way is crucial.

When I was in sixth grade we were getting ready for the annual performance. My mother was very sick and battling cancer at the time. She was obviously going to miss it. I think my older siblings realized how much it bothered me and they arranged that she should come. I was very excited. She was seated in the front row. I didn’t take my eyes off her. But what happened next was really painful. As I was marching up to the front of the stage, toward the mic to sing my solo- exhaustion must have hit her and she fell asleep before I even started singing. Not enough I wa suffering from having a sick mother, and now she missed my solo!!I was very disturbed by it. It really pained me for a very long time. Of course now when I think back I look at it differently than I did then as a child. Then I was extremely hurt but now I realize that it wasn’t in her control. She was very ill. And the fact that she attended means the world to me to this day.

About 2 weeks before a scheduled getaway to Florida with my friends, one of my friends found out they her dd will be performing on one of those days. After putting much thought into it, she realized that the right thing to do was to stay behind and so she could attend the performance. I think that if she would miss it, we would have another thread like this in a couple of years.

amother

Tulip

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 12:27 am

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

I missed my son's chumash mesiba because I was actively giving birth. I didn't really have any other recourse.

And I missed my mother's levayah because I was in the hospital with a day old baby. You can say - how can you miss your own mother's levayah???? But obviously, I did.

amother

Tuberose

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 12:39 am

amother [ Ivory ] wrote:

About 2 weeks before a scheduled getaway to Florida with my friends, one of my friends found out they her dd will be performing on one of those days. After putting much thought into it, she realized that the right thing to do was to stay behind and so she could attend the performance. I think that if she would miss it, we would have another thread like this in a couple of years.

I'm very impressed with your friend, but if I had a scheduled getaway with my friends, which I'm assuming is not a regular occurrence, I would not cancel it for a school performance. Unless my child was the soloist or something?

I would obviously not PLAN a getaway then, but if it came up afterwards I don't think I'd cancel it.

A mother is a person also, and my resentment at missing a long-awaited trip would be a factor here. If DD felt really strongly about it? Maybe. But if my own child told me that she was going to be missing my grandchild's event due to a trip with friends she had planned months before, I'd wish her a safe trip and go to the event myself.

Maybe this is a cultural thing, but although it's nice and special to be there for these events, and we would need to prepare our child in advance, apologize, and be sure to show them that it is important to us in other ways (arranging a video etc.), I don't think it's the kind of thing I'd put my life on hold for.

amother

Ivory

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 12:52 am

amother [ Tuberose ] wrote:

And what about the child’s resentment? Why does your resentment come first?
Also, you are showing your child that your friends come before her.

DrMom

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 1:04 am

amother [ Camellia ] wrote:

Well said.

Honestly, this thread is ridiculous.