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My 8 year is SO fat!
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 2:40 pm
It is so hard for me. She has literally a nine month belly! I find it so difficult buying her clothes, she sticks out her tummy to be more comfortable, only like wearing her skirts under her belly. Its so hard... I love her and she is very cute, But her looks are really making upset
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English3




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 2:44 pm
She may be sensitive to gluten or sugar. Have you gone to alternative medicine?
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amother




Feverfew
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 2:47 pm
What’s her diet like? Is she active? Are you or DH overweight?
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 2:47 pm
Buy a trampoline. I'm not kidding.
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hellokitty




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 2:49 pm
so buy her dresses then

(not even going to start with your attitude, hurts me as an adult to read about a mother talking about her kid like this and I have nothing nice to say)
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amother




Snowdrop
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 2:50 pm
Advice abt clothing--jumpers are probably a better option than skirts and tops.
More flattering, neater look, and also more comfortable.
If you can't find in stores it may be worthwhile to pay a seamstress to custom make a couple for her. It will help your daughter look and feel better abt herself.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 2:53 pm
hellokitty wrote:
so buy her dresses then

(not even going to start with your attitude, hurts me as an adult to read about a mother talking about her kid like this and I have nothing nice to say)


Not really sure why that makes me have a bad attitude. Its something going on inside me, and thats why I'm annon. I love my daughter dearly and I work so hard on her loving herself too! But its hard... you want... something I find hard. Is that so bad??

I never thought to find out if she is intorlarable... its a good idea. and love the trampoline idea. Thanks!
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amother




Slateblue
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 2:53 pm
hellokitty wrote:
so buy her dresses then

(not even going to start with your attitude, hurts me as an adult to read about a mother talking about her kid like this and I have nothing nice to say)


This attitude bothers me too.
If the daughter's face was scarred by acne or burns, and the mom was looking for ideas to lessen the bad look, would that make it easier for you to hear??
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amother




Tan
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 2:55 pm
Whatever you do - DON’T under any circumstances mention anything about fat, weight, or looks to her. You don’t want it to backfire or (worse) chas v’shalom cause an eating disorder. At this age just emphasize healthy eating and exercise to grow up strong and healthy. Modeling those yourself will be helpful, as well. If she has good role model(s) and a positive attitude, she will probably work on it herself, eventually (although maybe not till high school). In the meantime (hard as it is), just bite your tongue and be careful not to say anything negative to her so that you don’t unintentionally cause lifelong disordered relationship with food.
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amother




Opal
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 2:57 pm
hellokitty wrote:
so buy her dresses then

(not even going to start with your attitude, hurts me as an adult to read about a mother talking about her kid like this and I have nothing nice to say)


There's nothing wrong with her attitude. She has a real concern and is looking for advice, not for criticism.
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amother




Khaki
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 2:57 pm
I only buy my daughter dresses and jumpers and I found a good unexposed tailor and shorter the hems so they don’t look sloppy. It makes a huge difference.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 3:00 pm
I am so careful not to say a word. She literally thinks she is the prettiest girl in the world with the confident boost I give her. She herself sometimes mentions things, but I brush it away and tell her she is just how Hashem has made her and absolutely gorgeous!!! I find her often looking in the mirror smiling. I know I'm doing ok, when I see that!
My husband and I are slim, and my other kids are all slim.
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amother




Chartreuse
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 3:03 pm
OP I have an overweight child who sounds similar to yours. She put on a lot of weight rapidly over a relatively short amount of time. Being told I was a terrible mother for finding it hard to come to terms with my child’s appearances never helped me.

What did help me was recognizing that despite the fact that most doctors and health experts will glibly tell you that children come in all shapes and sizes, the fact is that there is always something medical that makes some kids have a harder time regulating their food intake, have uncontrollable cravings, or even if they don’t eat more than their peers, still hold on to a lot more weight. Just because science hasn’t teased out exactly what these factors are (though if you do some digging we do have a whole lot of clues) and just because there aren’t easy clear tests that can be run to tell you what’s going on, doesn’t mean there isn’t a cause. It’s medical, it’s not moral.

Additionally, often together with this medical picture, the same thing that is causing the eating or weight dysregulation often also causes other behaviors that as parents we find off putting for some reason or another, such as poor body awareness, poor grooming and hygiene, embarrassing eating habits, poor muscle tone, lack of coordination or grace, posture or gait that makes them look even worse, sometimes anxious behaviors. It’s hard to watch our children struggle so much. But again, it’s medical, not moral.

This is what has helped me most to accept and make peace with my child’s appearance and behavior. And then, going down the rabbit hole of root causes and trying to treat the causes from that end to heal whatever is going on in her body. We have made some gains to this end, and we are far from done. But this work is done without ever uttering a word to her about weight or diet.
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amother




Eggshell
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 3:06 pm
No advice about dresses, but my 6 yo old son had a huge bloated belly and it turned out to be a lactose intolerance and fructose intolerance.
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hellokitty




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 3:09 pm
ok, I'll go there:

phrase it with more compassion than "SO fat". that kind of thought pattern is why we get imas on here so distressed about the bodies they inhabit and why they start with all kinds of crazy. because their own mothers described their bodies as SO FAT when thy were small children, even anonymously. kids don't "not pick up on that".

phrase it from the get-go as wanting her to look her best, rather than *her* looks upsetting *you*. that's a healthier attitude.
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amother




Junglegreen
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 3:16 pm
If her looks are making you upset.
That’s your issue.

Don’t say it doesn’t affect your child.
That’s denial.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 3:17 pm
amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:
OP I have an overweight child who sounds similar to yours. She put on a lot of weight rapidly over a relatively short amount of time. Being told I was a terrible mother for finding it hard to come to terms with my child’s appearances never helped me.

What did help me was recognizing that despite the fact that most doctors and health experts will glibly tell you that children come in all shapes and sizes, the fact is that there is always something medical that makes some kids have a harder time regulating their food intake, have uncontrollable cravings, or even if they don’t eat more than their peers, still hold on to a lot more weight. Just because science hasn’t teased out exactly what these factors are (though if you do some digging we do have a whole lot of clues) and just because there aren’t easy clear tests that can be run to tell you what’s going on, doesn’t mean there isn’t a cause. It’s medical, it’s not moral.

Additionally, often together with this medical picture, the same thing that is causing the eating or weight dysregulation often also causes other behaviours that as parents we find off putting for some reason or another, such as poor body awareness, poor grooming and hygiene, embarrassing eating habits, poor muscle tone, lack of coordination or grace, posture or gait that makes them look even worse, sometimes anxious behaviours. It’s hard to watch our children struggle so much. But again, it’s medical, not moral.

This is what has helped me most to accept and make peace with my child’s appearance and behavior. And then, going down the rabbit hole of root causes and trying to treat the causes from that end to heal whatever is going on in her body. We have made some gains to this end, and we are far from done. But this work is done without ever uttering a word to her about weight or diet.


Thank you that's a great mindset to try...
And all you described is how my daughter is right now. I'm an easy-going person so I try to let these behaviours go over my head.
Its crazy how it really gets to me. When I feel that sinking feel inside me when seeing her with her clumsy habits, or sticking out her belly etc then I just try to stroke her give her a kiss and let the feelings go away... but today for some reason it didn't help. It really gets to me.
Thanks for all the advice I'm going to try something's out
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amother




Opal
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 3:19 pm
hellokitty wrote:
ok, I'll go there:

phrase it with more compassion than "SO fat". that kind of thought pattern is why we get imas on here so distressed about the bodies they inhabit and why they start with all kinds of crazy. because their own mothers described their bodies as SO FAT when thy were small children, even anonymously. kids don't "not pick up on that".

phrase it from the get-go as wanting her to look her best, rather than *her* looks upsetting *you*. that's a healthier attitude.


Chill! She isn't telling her daughter that she's fat. She's posting on here because she wants advice. She's fat. That's the fact. OP wants advice. If you have only criticism to offer, then maybe stay off this thread instead of making OP feel bad.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 3:21 pm
amother [ Junglegreen ] wrote:
If her looks are making you upset.
That’s your issue.

Don’t say it doesn’t affect your child.
That’s denial.


tempted not to reply.
But I swear she doesn't know. I make her feel like a supermodel.
I'm anonymous, so I can beep my horn. I am a good mum. Not perfect, but my one goal is my children should have a high self esteem. And oh, she does.
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amother




Junglegreen
 

Post Sun, Oct 24 2021, 3:27 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
tempted not to reply.
But I swear she doesn't know. I make her feel like a supermodel.
I'm anonymous, so I can beep my horn. I am a good mum. Not perfect, but my one goal is my children should have a high self esteem. And oh, she does.


Great! Well done to you!

I also have the same goal. I want my children to have a healthy self concept. One which isn’t based on weight, size or shape. Healthy habits and attitudes - physically, emotionally and mentally are what’s important.

Wishing you all the best with this challenge.
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