Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Inquiries & Offers -> Israel related Inquiries & Aliyah Questions
Aliyah when it means leaving an elderly parent in the US
1  2  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

Kiwi13




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 11:37 am
How did you manage it? We would want to visit twice year (tri-state area). How reasonable is that?
Back to top

shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 11:39 am
You wont know until you get here and hopefully found jobs, if you would even be able to visit them twice a year. Please make plans and then god sometimes has other ideas, but only you can know if that will work out for you and your family.
Back to top

amother
Burgundy


 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 11:42 am
Really not an easy situation. I am pushing DCs to make Aliya when they are young and not settled yet as I see this situation in my life.
Back to top

Kiwi13




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 11:44 am
shabbatiscoming wrote:
You wont know until you get here and hopefully found jobs, if you would even be able to visit them twice a year. Please make plans and then god sometimes has other ideas, but only you can know if that will work out for you and your family.


Uuughhhh but you can't ever know. That's the real problem with it. Money will probably always be tight. We have to weigh our family's long-term needs against the fact that if we go, there's a chance he won't see us again if something comes up and we can't visit enough. We hardly ever see him now (maybe every few years for a couple days, my kids met him only once) but leaving the country is a very final kind of thing. It makes it much, much, much harder to ever have the chance to see each other.
Back to top

amother
Strawberry


 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 11:45 am
Does the elderly parent have any other kids who are local?

Would the parent consider moving to Israel?
Back to top

Kiwi13




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 11:52 am
amother [ Strawberry ] wrote:
Does the elderly parent have any other kids who are local?

Would the parent consider moving to Israel?


Yes he has another child (and grandchildren) nearby.

No he would not consider Aliyah, and his needs would make it really hard even if he would want to.
Back to top

chanchy123




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 12:04 pm
Kiwi13 wrote:
Uuughhhh but you can't ever know. That's the real problem with it. Money will probably always be tight. We have to weigh our family's long-term needs against the fact that if we go, there's a chance he won't see us again if something comes up and we can't visit enough. We hardly ever see him now (maybe every few years for a couple days, my kids met him only once) but leaving the country is a very final kind of thing. It makes it much, much, much harder to ever have the chance to see each other.

Is he taken care of? Will he (or other family members) be able to cover costs if you need to fly in in an emergency?
Is he technologically literate? Can you FaceTime/zoom?
Back to top

Kiwi13




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 12:15 pm
chanchy123 wrote:
Is he taken care of? Will he (or other family members) be able to cover costs if you need to fly in in an emergency?
Is he technologically literate? Can you FaceTime/zoom?


Unfortunately not technology literate. Oh how we've tried... :-/

B"H a million times over he's in a good situation now. We helped him sell his house and move to assisted living last year. I doubt anyone would help cover costs, but in an absolute emergency we could charge a ticket for my husband to a credit card.

Edit typos


Last edited by Kiwi13 on Thu, Oct 28 2021, 12:20 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top

banana123




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 12:17 pm
I think you need to be asking yourself what your hesitation is about.

Is it that you are worried he won't be taken care of, or will be upset that you've gone?

Or is it that you want your kids to have more time with him, and are afraid they won't get any more time with him if you make aliya?

There's a difference if the issue is on his side, or on your side.
Back to top

Kiwi13




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 12:18 pm
banana123 wrote:
I think you need to be asking yourself what your hesitation is about.

Is it that you are worried he won't be taken care of, or will be upset that you've gone?

Or is it that you want your kids to have more time with him, and are afraid they won't get any more time with him if you make aliya?

There's a difference if the issue is on his side, or on your side.


My husband feels that it is abandonment.

ETA Yes he is worried his father will also experience it as abandonment.


Last edited by Kiwi13 on Thu, Oct 28 2021, 12:19 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top

BokerTov




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 12:18 pm
Kiwi13 wrote:
How did you manage it? We would want to visit twice year (tri-state area). How reasonable is that?

If you are thinking of visiting twice a year and until now you only visited once in a few years then aliyah is the best thing you can do for him! Laugh
Back to top

Kiwi13




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 12:19 pm
BokerTov wrote:
If you are thinking of visiting twice a year and until now you only visited once in a few years then aliya is the best thing you can do for him! Laugh


No kidding, lol. But that's logic. Emotion rarely cares about logic.
Back to top

amother
Smokey


 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 12:23 pm
Realistically, how much longer does this grandparent have? If it is only a year or two (or even three) maybe it's worth holding off on aliya to come with a cleaner conscience and lighter heart.

Not because it's not okay to come earlier, but because you will always be wondering if you did the right thing by leaving.

Just a thought.
Back to top

Kiwi13




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 12:27 pm
amother [ Smokey ] wrote:
Realistically, how much longer does this grandparent have? If it is only a year or two (or even three) maybe it's worth holding off on aliya to come with a cleaner conscience and lighter heart.

Not because it's not okay to come earlier, but because you will always be wondering if you did the right thing by leaving.

Just a thought.


Not a simple equation at all. He's had a few scares in the past couple years, but other than that he's completely stable. He's also not that old (late 70s), despite mobility issues and some memory stuff. Could easily be 10+ years, may he live and be well ad 120. But the fact is you really never know. Anything can happen to anyone at any time. He's in much better shape since moving to assisted living, now that he is properly cared for, always fed, has help with daily life, etc. There's no reason to think he's nearing the end.

ETA: Prior to assisted living we also tried to help, but he lived in a remote area that was hard for either of his kids to visit regularly. He also fought the help, insisting he was fine alone. It was a difficult battle and he struggled to give up his independence, fired multiple aides we hired on his behalf, etc. It's a hard situation, as anyone who's experienced similar can attest.


Last edited by Kiwi13 on Thu, Oct 28 2021, 12:31 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top

amother
Smokey


 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 12:30 pm
Kiwi13 wrote:
Not a simple equation at all. He's had a few scares in the past couple years, but other than that he's completely stable. He's also not that old (late 70s), despite mobility issues and some memory stuff. Could easily be 10+ years, may he live and be well ad 120. But the fact is you really never know. Anything can happen to anyone at any time. He's in much better shape since moving to assisted living, now that he is properly cared for, always fed, has help with daily life, etc. There's no reason to think he's nearing the end.

And does he support aliya? In theory, if he would tell you two to make aliya, would it make your DH feel better?
Back to top

Kiwi13




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 12:32 pm
amother [ Smokey ] wrote:
And does he support aliya? In theory, if he would tell you two to make aliya, would it make your DH feel better?


I'm sure that would help tremendously. Will it happen? I doubt it, but who knows. Change is extremely hard for him.
Back to top

amother
Scarlet


 

Post Thu, Oct 28 2021, 7:20 pm
This is so hard. My parents asked a Shayla and were told not to go due to this exact reason. Every situation is unique, worth asking a Rav or mentor with all the details...
Back to top

amother
Sienna


 

Post Fri, Oct 29 2021, 1:27 am
Flip side: parents made aliyah leaving behind all the kids and grandkids who feel very abandoned and struggle to understand how parents would choose this path. Why would you willingly move across the ocean and be unable to spend Pesach, Succos, Purim, RH/YK with your children and their families? It’s so hard to understand!
Back to top

amother
Geranium


 

Post Fri, Oct 29 2021, 2:17 am
amother [ Sienna ] wrote:
Flip side: parents made aliyah leaving behind all the kids and grandkids who feel very abandoned and struggle to understand how parents would choose this path. Why would you willingly move across the ocean and be unable to spend Pesach, Succos, Purim, RH/YK with your children and their families? It’s so hard to understand!


Because that place across the ocean happens to be the land that Hashem gave us. Avraham Avinu left his land, his birthplace and his family (including an elderly father) behind to go to Israel.

This is the path that a Jew is supposed to choose.
Back to top

amother
Tiffanyblue


 

Post Fri, Oct 29 2021, 2:35 am
amother [ Sienna ] wrote:
Flip side: parents made aliyah leaving behind all the kids and grandkids who feel very abandoned and struggle to understand how parents would choose this path. Why would you willingly move across the ocean and be unable to spend Pesach, Succos, Purim, RH/YK with your children and their families? It’s so hard to understand!


My parents did this too! They do come back for visits but not really for Yom Tov. My father keeps saying things like "I know we abandoned you but while we're here let's [fill in the blank]" and it's almost as if he pauses for me to say "Nah you didn't abandon us" but I don't.
Back to top
Page 1 of 2 1  2  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Inquiries & Offers -> Israel related Inquiries & Aliyah Questions

Related Topics Replies Last Post
How to parent toddler instead of potching
by amother
27 Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:28 pm View last post
My 4 yo daughter is difficult to parent, any advice please?
by amother
15 Thu, Mar 21 2024, 9:13 pm View last post
Aliyah for young yeshivish family
by amother
11 Wed, Mar 13 2024, 6:16 pm View last post
Aliyah Dos and Don'ts
by amother
20 Tue, Mar 05 2024, 7:22 am View last post
HCS parent shabbaton
by amother
0 Tue, Mar 05 2024, 6:37 am View last post