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How long take to respond to Shabbos invite?
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Oct 31 2021, 6:22 pm
I work outside the home. Having company involves a lot of planning in my home . When I text someone to invite them for a Shabbos meal, what is a responsible amount of time to text again to see if they not only received (saw the text), but also to respond? I often text early in the week (usually Sunday) because I frequently do not get quick replies so sometimes when I wait, I can end end up inviting people on Wednesday , which in my neighborhood is considered late. On Wednesdaay , most people are available.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 31 2021, 6:23 pm
Tuesday is a good day to make sure to get a shabbos response.
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 31 2021, 6:24 pm
I usually like a reply by Tues night. So I can start planning and shopping on Weds and cook Thursday. I always ask guests to reply no later than Tues night.
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Sun, Oct 31 2021, 7:31 pm
It's a big pet peeve of mine when people take so long to respond. I get it - we're all busy, other things on our minds, need to check our schedules and other social obligations, check with our spouse, etc. but isn't 24 hours enough? Certainly 48!
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amother
Mulberry


 

Post Sun, Oct 31 2021, 7:34 pm
As the host you can always say something like I appreciate if you can let me know by Tuesday night as I do my shopping on Wednesday morning. But if you send an invite on Sunday don’t expect people to respond until Wednesday unless you tell them you want an earlier response. People don’t always have an answer so early in the week . As a young couple I get invited out a lot and usually get invited on Tuesday or Wednesday and I will always ask if it’s ok if I can let them know Wednesday night if we haven’t sorted our plans yet. If they say it’s too late then I either tell them not to count on us or I try to let them know earlier when it’s good for them.
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amother
Lightyellow


 

Post Sun, Oct 31 2021, 7:40 pm
This is why I text people give “me a call when you can”. I do not invite over text or a voicemail. -The exception being if we are actively texting back-and-forth at that time. More than once (in the last 20 years), has someone not responded. Either they meant to get back to me and thought they did, or they just didn’t see the message or text.
If they say they don’t know, let me check with DH, you can say to somebody sure, let me know tomorrow.
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amother
RosePink


 

Post Sun, Oct 31 2021, 7:43 pm
This is so validating! By nature I am an organized and well planned person and I really like to keep my Fridays calm. I prefer knowing about shabbos guests by wednesday night the latest and honestly I feel like thats pretty reasonable. I have a neighbor who is always telling me how calm and chilled she is and she invites people Friday morning. She always tries to put me down by pointing out that im so rigid and shes such a fast cooker….so glad to see im not the only one who likes to plan ahead.
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amother
DarkOrange


 

Post Sun, Oct 31 2021, 7:44 pm
amother [ Mulberry ] wrote:
As the host you can always say something like I appreciate if you can let me know by Tuesday night as I do my shopping on Wednesday morning. But if you send an invite on Sunday don’t expect people to respond until Wednesday unless you tell them you want an earlier response. People don’t always have an answer so early in the week . As a young couple I get invited out a lot and usually get invited on Tuesday or Wednesday and I will always ask if it’s ok if I can let them know Wednesday night if we haven’t sorted our plans yet. If they say it’s too late then I either tell them not to count on us or I try to let them know earlier when it’s good for them.


Does this mean you're waiting to see if you get a better offer and they will be the backup invite? Can't Believe It
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naomi2




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 31 2021, 8:31 pm
They should reply within a few hrs. People check their messages often throughout the day but at the very least when they are done work. Then maybe another few hrs until they see their husband and run it by them. Then they should answer. At least acknowledge the invitation and text when they will let you know
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amother
Mulberry


 

Post Sun, Oct 31 2021, 8:42 pm
amother [ DarkOrange ] wrote:
Does this mean you're waiting to see if you get a better offer and they will be the backup invite? Can't Believe It
the answer is no and there is no need to be rude. I actually stay home most of the time but there are times they I really don’t know intil Wednesday evening and like I said I let the host know so they can always say that it doesn’t work for them and no hard feelings (I have no problem staying home!)
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 01 2021, 8:11 am
Give your invitees a deadline: "RSVP by Tuesday 9 pm. If I don't hear from you by then, I'll assume you can't make it and we'll plan for some other time. Have a great week."
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salt




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 01 2021, 8:23 am
amother [ Mulberry ] wrote:
the answer is no and there is no need to be rude. I actually stay home most of the time but there are times they I really don’t know intil Wednesday evening and like I said I let the host know so they can always say that it doesn’t work for them and no hard feelings (I have no problem staying home!)


I also don't understand what it is that you don't know. Apart from checking with DH, what else is there to plan?
Once you get an invitation, then that becomes your plan, unless after checking with DH, you decide that you don't want to accept in which case you decline. That can be usually be done by the end of the same day.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 01 2021, 12:40 pm
salt wrote:
I also don't understand what it is that you don't know. Apart from checking with DH, what else is there to plan?
Once you get an invitation, then that becomes your plan, unless after checking with DH, you decide that you don't want to accept in which case you decline. That can be usually be done by the end of the same day.


I LOVE YOU!
This was precisely my gripe for many years. "We don't know yet what our plans are" is French for "We're waiting to see if a better offer comes along" which is rude, rude, rude. Because, you know, if they already had tentative plans, they'd have said "My Mom was thinking of coming to us but hasn't confirmed yet, she said she'd know by _____day, can I tell you then?" And if Friday night was mikveh night, she'd already know that.
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healthymom1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 01 2021, 12:49 pm
I appreciate an answer by Wednesday but have had last minute Tell me 3 hours before Shabbos guests
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amother
Charcoal


 

Post Mon, Nov 01 2021, 1:24 pm
zaq wrote:
I LOVE YOU!
This was precisely my gripe for many years. "We don't know yet what our plans are" is French for "We're waiting to see if a better offer comes along" which is rude, rude, rude. Because, you know, if they already had tentative plans, they'd have said "My Mom was thinking of coming to us but hasn't confirmed yet, she said she'd know by _____day, can I tell you then?" And if Friday night was mikveh night, she'd already know that.


Recently we tried inviting my SIL and fam for shabbos, she confessed that she's in early pregnancy and hasn't been feeling great, and will only know if she's feeling up to going out on Friday. But she wouldn't tell that to most people as she isn't telling people yet. So valid excuse that someone might not want to tell most people.
Also I've had the good fortune (or bad luck depending on your outlook) to frequently have friday night mikva and because of staining, don't usually know if would get there for friday night or not until late in the week. And if I'm not, I would prefer eating out than staying home.
But if I had a close friend/family member that had an open invitation and ate with us often, I wouldn't be insulted if they said they wanted to wait and see. I would rather they feel comfortable enough to be honest.
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Mon, Nov 01 2021, 1:29 pm
amother [ Charcoal ] wrote:
Recently we tried inviting my SIL and fam for shabbos, she confessed that she's in early pregnancy and hasn't been feeling great, and will only know if she's feeling up to going out on Friday. But she wouldn't tell that to most people as she isn't telling people yet. So valid excuse that someone might not want to tell most people.
Also I've had the good fortune (or bad luck depending on your outlook) to frequently have friday night mikva and because of staining, don't usually know if would get there for friday night or not until late in the week. And if I'm not, I would prefer eating out than staying home.
But if I had a close friend/family member that had an open invitation and ate with us often, I wouldn't be insulted if they said they wanted to wait and see. I would rather they feel comfortable enough to be honest.


While this is a valid thing - and there are others, I'm sure - the right thing to do if you know there is a good chance you will be nauseous is to just turn down the invitation rather than keep a potential host in suspense. Unless you know for certain they are fine with the last minute thing. Some people are but I suspect most of us need more notice.
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amother
Mulberry


 

Post Mon, Nov 01 2021, 4:30 pm
salt wrote:
I also don't understand what it is that you don't know. Apart from checking with DH, what else is there to plan?
Once you get an invitation, then that becomes your plan, unless after checking with DH, you decide that you don't want to accept in which case you decline. That can be usually be done by the end of the same day.
I don’t really understand why I need to explain my life to you. Like I said there were times in my life where for reasons that I’m not about to share that I received an invite early in the week and wouldn’t know until Wednesday. I could have declined outright or let my host know. So far every time they all said it was no problem as they don’t do their shopping until then anyway
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amother
Mulberry


 

Post Mon, Nov 01 2021, 4:33 pm
zaq wrote:
I LOVE YOU!
This was precisely my gripe for many years. "We don't know yet what our plans are" is French for "We're waiting to see if a better offer comes along" which is rude, rude, rude. Because, you know, if they already had tentative plans, they'd have said "My Mom was thinking of coming to us but hasn't confirmed yet, she said she'd know by _____day, can I tell you then?" And if Friday night was mikveh night, she'd already know that.
instead of insisting that this is rude and code word for waiting for a better offer why don’t you reframe your thought to be more Dan lekaf zchus and assume that people are dealing with something they may not feel comfortable sharing with you. If they tell you that they’ll know by say Wednesday night and this works for you (because you don’t start shopping or linen before Thursday morning let’s say) then big deal. If you do prep earlier and this would inconvenience you then you can certainly say that this is too late for you and they should let you know by a certain day or time at the latest otherwise you’ll take a rain check.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 01 2021, 6:29 pm
amother [ Mulberry ] wrote:
instead of insisting that this is rude and code word for waiting for a better offer why don’t you reframe your thought to be more Dan lekaf zchus and assume that people are dealing with something they may not feel comfortable sharing with you. If they tell you that they’ll know by say Wednesday night and this works for you (because you don’t start shopping or linen before Thursday morning let’s say) then big deal. If you do prep earlier and this would inconvenience you then you can certainly say that this is too late for you and they should let you know by a certain day or time at the latest otherwise you’ll take a rain check.


Because I have years and years of experience being at the receiving end of this, and my Momma didn't raise no fools. If it were once in a blue moon the dlkz would work, but it happens all. the. time. They will NEVER commit themselves earlier than Thursday night and often not till Friday morning.

BTW, my niece, who is an entire generation younger than I am, is equally disgusted by this behavior.

I have a theory about why certain singles have a hard time getting married: it's all of a piece with being terminally incapable of committing to a Shabbat meal invitation. It's FOMO. They have so many possibilities laid out before them that they become incapable of committing to just one. If I choose A I'll miss out on B-Z, if I accept Zaq's invite to Shabbat lunch this week, what'll happen if some new people to the shul make a really super potluck lunch and I'll have to miss it? Yeah, this guy/girl I went out with is very sweet, but why should I tie myself down to him/her when there are so many others out there who are better off, smarter, better looking, better dressed, more sophisticated, more talented, more upwardly mobile, etc.etc.etc.
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 01 2021, 7:40 pm
After I do my shopping, I am not going to accommodate anyone extra. I work and have a family and always plan ahead. No last minute changes here!
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