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Forum -> Parenting our children
Lack of emotional connection with older kids



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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Nov 17 2021, 5:19 pm
I bond really well with babies until 3 years old and I have a really strong love and connection with them. After that I have a relationship we shmooze, do fun things, give special attention etc.. but I feel I’m lacking a certain emotional connection and attachment. I don’t feel that fierce love and attachment I feel towards my little ones. It happens with every kid, as soon as they reach 3 it’s like something switches in me. Anyone have insight or advice on how to fix this?
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amother
Viola


 

Post Wed, Nov 17 2021, 7:06 pm
No, because I feel the opposite. Babies are boring. They're not really interesting till they reach the point at which you can have a real conversation with them.
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amother
Razzmatazz


 

Post Wed, Nov 17 2021, 7:09 pm
What are your age gaps? Do yo typically have a either new baby or an infant who gains a personality at about that time?
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amother
Starflower


 

Post Wed, Nov 17 2021, 7:11 pm
I only have one above 3 but I can understand what you’re saying. What helps me is spending quality time with then on floor. Playing whatever toys they’re playing with (paw patrol, dinosaurs, trucks, magna tiles). 10 minutes 2+ time a week changes so much for us. Cuddling in bed even when I don’t want to and they do.
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amother
Lightcyan


 

Post Wed, Nov 17 2021, 7:15 pm
Read the emotionally absent mother. Something my own mother should have done. She also was able to hug and kiss the babies and switched off at age 3.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Nov 17 2021, 7:50 pm
amother [ Razzmatazz ] wrote:
What are your age gaps? Do yo typically have a either new baby or an infant who gains a personality at about that time?


Big gaps 3-6 years between each
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amother
Marigold


 

Post Wed, Nov 17 2021, 7:57 pm
I relate OP but once the winter comes it’s significantly easier for me. I think the way the kids are always out in the summer and running off and me isn’t conducive to a good emotional connection. Once the winter comes we spend much more time together. I try to play games and color with them. I happen to like mastermind, rummicub, I don’t find it boring ..
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Wed, Nov 17 2021, 7:58 pm
Very simple. Do some inner child work and you will see what happened to you at age 3 or so that disconnected you. Something in you is being triggered. It is not your child. It is your own subconscious inner child feelings that is not letting you connect.
You can't give what you didn't get unless you consciously work on it.
Ever read the book running on empty? Coming home?
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Nov 17 2021, 8:01 pm
I grew up without any love in an abusive house. So I know I’m broken. But why do I relate to my babies? I was neglected as a newborn too. My healing is a process but parts of me seem to be permanently broken so what can I do on a logical level?
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amother
NeonPurple


 

Post Wed, Nov 17 2021, 8:02 pm
I feel more and more connected the older they get. Do you feel like they don't need you anymore? What's behind it?
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amother
Starflower


 

Post Wed, Nov 17 2021, 8:02 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I grew up without any love in an abusive house. So I know I’m broken. But why do I relate to my babies? I was neglected as a newborn too. My healing is a process but parts of me seem to be permanently broken so what can I do on a logical level?


Play with your kids 10 minutes 2-3 times a week!!!
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Wed, Nov 17 2021, 8:12 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I grew up without any love in an abusive house. So I know I’m broken. But why do I relate to my babies? I was neglected as a newborn too. My healing is a process but parts of me seem to be permanently broken so what can I do on a logical level?


Start with working on self love
When you start loving yourself you will also be able to love you child who is an extension of yourself. I'm not a psychologist so I don't know why it would kick in at age 3 but maybe because at that age it's when children start noticing and understanding their surroundings and their painful existence and so up until that age you didn't quite get it so you are able to love the innocent in you.

Interesting enough, the more I healed myself and the more I worked on self love and acceptance, the more I was able to love my child and feel emotionally connected to her. But I am still struggling....
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 17 2021, 8:58 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I grew up without any love in an abusive house. So I know I’m broken. But why do I relate to my babies? I was neglected as a newborn too. My healing is a process but parts of me seem to be permanently broken so what can I do on a logical level?

If I had to guess I would say that in the infant-toddler stages there are powerful hormones and instincts at play. Similar to what we see in the animal kingdom. Not much thought or intention involved. When they get older that’s when it gets intentional and that’s where you get stuck.
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amother
Poinsettia


 

Post Wed, Nov 17 2021, 9:00 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I grew up without any love in an abusive house. So I know I’m broken. But why do I relate to my babies? I was neglected as a newborn too. My healing is a process but parts of me seem to be permanently broken so what can I do on a logical level?


I also grew up in such a home.
Try looking into your child’s eyes. I find it really helps!
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amother
DarkGreen


 

Post Wed, Nov 17 2021, 9:18 pm
The book "How to talk to kids..." teaches solid skills.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Thu, Nov 18 2021, 10:23 am
I'm similar to you and I grew up in a very healthy home.
I think I'm just not a touchy feely person in general. I love to hug and kiss my babies but once they grow up (and I have teens already), I forget to hug and kiss them.
I try to force myself to remember but it's not daily.
I do other things with them like scmhoozing, going out to the mall, going for walks, so I think they're ok even if I don't eat them up like I do for my babies.
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