boys will be boys, or something more?/4 yr. old's habit

micki

Tue, Jul 06 2004, 1:11 pm

hey there everyone nice to see some new faces!
my son has reached a wonderful milestone, he is two and a half, and is potty trained. we are all thrilled that there are less diapers to change, and that it went so smoothly. he adores "pishing" standing up, and we've struggled with getting him to understand that sometimes its ok to pish outside on the grass, and sometimes its not.
with this new milestone he has developed a new habit of touching himself and holding himself all day long!! with out the diaper he has that much more freedom to feel and its like a magnet. even when I put on the diaper at night, I have to pry his hands away- and he sometimes doesn't even realize he does this. I've tried explaining to him that we don't touch but expert also say it's normal and that they are discovring their body, I should look at it as though he's touching his ear.
when I tell him no don't touch he wants to know why. so I first started thinking to tell him it makes a boo boo, but I don't want him to carry that until adulthood. what do I tell him? should I even tell him to stop?? my first boy...girls are definitly simpler. but then agian taking boys to pish outside is a hec of alot easier!!! no more pishing on our shoes!
please tell me what I should be doing!

Yc18

Thu, Jul 08 2004, 11:58 am

you can tell him that he's only allowed to touch himself in the bathroom. it would be embarrasing if he started doing that in public.
try to lighten up about it, its not anything bad and he's just exploring his body.
levi also does the same thing. when I open his diaper to change him, jooom, his hands are down there, I tell him dont touch its dirty, b/c it is!!

Smiley

Sun, Jul 18 2004, 8:20 pm

I believe that it depends on the age of the child. When the child reaches the age at which he can understand the need for privacy in the bathroom, he has also reached an age where he can be told that hands do not belong there. At that point I still think that it is very important that we remain aware of the effect such talk can have on a child.

When a child is younger then that, then If the child’s hands get dirty, then of course he can be told to wash them, but if his hands are clean then I do not believe that it is important to tell the child anything at all.

As we grow up we gradually gain the ability to understand why these organs are different then the rest of the body, and of course we see "touching" as a vulgar thing to do. Children do not know this, and whether they are doing this to explore or understand themselves, it is just a function of the natural process of growth.

Rivka

Sat, Jul 24 2004, 8:36 pm

My son does this the moment his nappy is off and it is basically coz he can't see it but there is something there, he also touches his nose and realises there is a nostril and sticks his finger in it.
It is very normal, I think it's funny, but if I am changing him and he puts his hand there when it's dirty I tell him no and it's dirty and wash his hands after, but if he does it in the bath or just after a bath I don;'t see any reason not to.

Making up reasons as to why he shouldn't touch himself/pick his nose which are not true do more damage than not. They might be little, but kids are not stupid.
Maybe treat it as if he is discovering his nose and has realised that there is something his finger fits in and never stops touching or picking.

Rochel Leah

Sun, Aug 22 2004, 12:32 am

I saw a article on this issue in " Raising Children To Care" by Miriam Adahan.

I am going to try summarize it so you get a clear picture:

All kids explore their bodies. Tension, fear, confusion and shame aroused by this subject may lead to a lifelong negative attitude to ones body.And since the child's feelings abou his body reflects his feelings about himself, he may internalize a feeling that ," If my mommy thinks that my body is bad and disgusting, then I am too."

Touching is usually a sign of boredom more then anything else. This is especially a problem with kids who have a greater need for muscular activity and general stimulation, than other kids. Distract him with a toy or book, Keep his hands busy by giving him clay, paints, pretend hammer and nails, or other activities which will provide that stimulation. As he gets older , provide creative outlets for his nervous energy such as sports. crafts and music. Do not expect that learning will satisfy all his needs for sensory nourishment.

You want your child to feel positive about his body b/c this will help him feel good about himself as a whole. An anxiety on your part will be translated by him as a sign of rejection and shamefulness. if you have problems in this area discuss your anxiety with an observant therapist so that you do not pass your negativity to your child.

hope its helpful

Rochel Leah

Sat, Sep 04 2004, 10:25 pm

micki, how is going with your sons "body exploration"? or has he found something else to intrest himself?

on a simelar note , whenever I change my baby's #2 he tends to put his hand down there and get them dirty.I give him somthing in his hand, doesnt help. he won't understand if I tell him " dont do it its dirty etc...."
I end up having to clean his hands as well- anything to do, or is it jsut one of those wondeful phases?

Tefila

Wed, Oct 13 2004, 11:11 pm

oh come on girls do it too but it's less noticable I say please don't do that in front of anyone if you have to then go to the washroom they usually stop. They outgrow it normally latest 5yr. As long as you don't ignore it b/c seeing a friend of mine's children they still do it at nine so yes do say something.

Last edited by Tefila on Fri, Oct 22 2004, 10:14 am; edited 1 time in total

Motek

Thu, Oct 21 2004, 1:06 pm

some points:

although secular experts think this kind of touching is just fine and it's just like the ear, Judaism thinks differently!

I want to be clear about this - when little boys do this, it's natural and innocent, BUT it has to be stopped.

that's where we differ from the secular experts

why does it have to be stopped? because pleasuring in Judaism is considered very evil (sources available upon request)

so you don't want it to become a habit, and the question is how to stop it

you definitely don't want to make up stories about boo-boos or anything else!

some suggestions are to ask him whether he needs the bathroom, if he doesn't then move his hand away, letting him know he shouldn't do that. You can also say (when he asks why): we/you don't touch the bris

this touching can go on for a while, and you need to stop it by repeatedly asking whether they need the bathroom (to make that association, that if you're touching then you need the bathroom, right? If not, don't touch), and reminding that we don't touch, though without shaming or making a big deal out of it. You don't want to make it into an "issue" over which you battle! You just keep on reminding and reminding ...

micki

Thu, Oct 21 2004, 1:24 pm

ummm. I don't think that will work. just the other day he had on pj's no undreware, and as he was pulling up his pants his peepee? aiver? I'll say pp cause his is still that! got caught in his pants. on the way up. so he thought that was hystericla and walked around with his pp sticking out! I was horrified and my girls were hysterical- every time I pulled up his pants his stuck it out again. so I ignored it and just ran up to get him underware- I noticed when its "contained" he doesn't play with it as much as when its free.
once the undies were on, it stopped.
all I am chanting in my head is, its like he's sticking his fingers of a hole in the glove or a toe in the hole of a sock...
but it did bother me- alot.
I know it is facinating to him because he's just noticed that his brother has one too!
( he asked me if I also have a "big" pp - I said no and then he asked to see what I have., and I said no, that would not be tznius...
oy I hope this passes!

Motek

Thu, Oct 21 2004, 1:44 pm

Quote:

I noticed when its "contained" he doesn't play with it as much as when its free.
once the undies were on, it stopped.

so make sure he's got layers!
underwear for sure!
maybe a onesie
overalls might be better than pants, but then they're harder for the bathroom

how about a father-son private talk about how tatty/daddy/abba doesn't touch "his bris" and "we don't touch," and he's a "big boy" and can be just like his father

something like that, maybe? not a long lecture (bec. you don't want to make it a big deal) but a little talk

amother

Sun, May 14 2006, 8:25 am

I have noticed that my son (5 years old) is touching his private parts too often. When I ask him why he does it, he says that because it’s soft. It’s like when he doesn’t have what to do with his hands he touches his p*. I guess it’s some kind of bad habit. What do you think?

Motek

Thu, May 18 2006, 9:58 am

The point has been made, and it's valid - that young boys might start this habit before knowing that it's asur and much later on, when they learn that it's asur, it's extremely hard to break the habit.

When I discussed this with my husband he said that he learned the halachos of the bathroom at a young age. Look it up in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch, siman 4. It's a good idea to learn this inside with your boys when they are old enough, if they haven't learned it in yeshiva, and for those who are not old enough to learn it inside - they can still be taught the halacha, se'if 3 which says, "and he should be extremely careful not to hold his "mila" with his hands."

also the halachos about sleeping on your side, not on your back or stomach

amother

Mon, Nov 20 2006, 1:14 pm

My 4 year old son puts his hands in his pants, and when he doesnt do that he goes on the couch and rubs himself against it. Is this normal? Has anyone of you experienced this with your son? if you did how did your son overcome it? My husband is worried that he will turn gay. shock

I tell him dont worry about it.

Ribbie Danzinger

Mon, Nov 20 2006, 4:10 pm

I think at that age some boys have physiological changes in that area which makes it a place of interest. First you have to overcome being so upset about it and then you can go ahead and try ways to get him to stop. One way I have used is to say, "oh, you put your hands in your pants, come let's wash them" or "do you need the bathroom, Joey?" That sort of reaction, used in a matter-of-fact way, will usually do the trick far more quickly than any other.

Maybe giving him molding materials to play with will also help him if he likes the feel of touching things and will keep his hands positively occupied.

Also, make sure there isn't something that is irritating him there in some way, maybe he has dry skin or another problem that is making him itch.

NumberOneMommy

Mon, Nov 20 2006, 5:10 pm

My son is Three 1/2 and does the same thing. It drives us all nuts. We asked the doc. and he said it's ok. it's normal He said to tell him that he could do it in private but you should tell him that no one else should touch him there except mommy and daddy and that he should tell you if any body touches him there. if you tell him all the time not to touch himself there he will think it's a bad thing