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Paying back for parents parental support
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 1:20 pm
Wondering if this is a "thing". My parents are comfortable bordering wealthy and probably worth around 5 million in their late 60s 70s. In my twenties and young thirties my parents supported my husband in kollel and then into transition into work. My parents total probably gave us 180k in support those years and they then gave us 90k for a house. Then the support stopped and I can't stop feeling for the past 10 years that it's a debt that I want to repay. My parents never ever ever hinted to wanting money back and would be horrified at the thought. They don't give us anything now - maybe throw us 100 a year for a birthday but that's it. They don't need the money. But I still feel like immature that I took the money and that if I could do things over I would never rely on others.

At this point we are low middle class. We put aside a little for retirement and have a house but very much live on a budget, frugal and have no money for extra.

In my mind I want to set aside money to pay them back but I know that the sum is enormous. I am taking Dina Friedman's power series now and focusing on financial goals - this being one of them.

On the other hand my mom was BPD and abusive as a kid and I feel like - okay this is one good thing about her is that she gave me money. Almost like a little nechama to me.

I guess my feelings are all over the place - wanted to hear thoughts and if anyone has ever paid back their parents a large sum if you were rich or poor etc.
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amother




Firethorn
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 1:22 pm
Wow so interesting.

My mom has BPD and that’s exactly why I don’t like taking money from her!
My parents are not well off so we repayed them.

My in laws are wealthy and would never allow us to repay them!
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 1:32 pm
amother [ Firethorn ] wrote:
Wow so interesting.

My mom has BPD and that’s exactly why I don’t like taking money from her!
My parents are not well off so we repayed them.

My in laws are wealthy and would never allow us to repay them!


TYSM - yes- that she supported us and had BPD came with its own set of challenges those years.

Another part of this is my in laws who gave us around 90k those years- I would like to pay them back - they could use the money but like my parents would be shocked and horrified at the thought of taking money from kids.

I guess I'm struggling with feeling like an idiot for taking other people's money, and so much of it, all those years. Something I would never do again.
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amother




Firethorn
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 1:46 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
TYSM - yes- that she supported us and had BPD came with its own set of challenges those years.

Another part of this is my in laws who gave us around 90k those years- I would like to pay them back - they could use the money but like my parents would be shocked and horrified at the thought of taking money from kids.

I guess I'm struggling with feeling like an idiot for taking other people's money, and so much of it, all those years. Something I would never do again.


You can always ask them. If they don’t want it,
pay it forward. Like help another sibling if there’s one that needs it.
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amother




Lemon
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 1:49 pm
I dont think your parents have any expectations of you paying them back. Please don't do this, save the money for yourself right now. Speaking as the mother of marrieds and I did give some support even though we see not wealthy at all. I would never want my kids to pay me back.
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amother




Chambray
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 1:54 pm
amother [ Firethorn ] wrote:
You can always ask them. If they don’t want it,
pay it forward. Like help another sibling if there’s one that needs it.


I like the idea of paying it forward. If you have money to spare, use it for your children or siblings, or even a familiy in the community that needs it. That's the greatest zchus and nachas for your parents. Especially since they don't really need the money. Of course if they did need the money you should try your best to help support them, but not because you're "paying them back"--just because they need it.
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amother




Lime
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 1:57 pm
Sounds really nice of you but I'm not getting the around the math.


You identify yourself as "lower middle class", but also want to pay your parents back $270k? If you wanted to pay them back over the next 15 years (you say they're almost 70) you'd have to give them 18K per year. Someone who is lower middle class doesn't have almost 20k lying around every year. What am I missing?
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exaustedmom




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 2:02 pm
amother [ Chambray ] wrote:
I like the idea of paying it forward. If you have money to spare, use it for your children or siblings, or even a familiy in the community that needs it. That's the greatest zchus and nachas for your parents. Especially since they don't really need the money. Of course if they did need the money you should try your best to help support them, but not because you're "paying them back"--just because they need it.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 2:03 pm
amother [ Lime ] wrote:
Sounds really nice of you but I'm not getting the around the math.


You identify yourself as "lower middle class", but also want to pay your parents back $270k? If you wanted to pay them back over the next 15 years (you say they're almost 70) you'd have to give them 18K per year. Someone who is lower middle class doesn't have almost 20k lying around every year. What am I missing?


Right! That's the thing. I definitely don't have the money! Nowhere near that amount! I am just wondering is this a worthy goal to aspire for. Dina Friedman is saying to list all your goals that you want let's say in the financial realm. This one keeps coming up but it's a stupid one! (I think). but it bugs me I took that money. I'm curious to hear if it's wrong of me not to pay back - if others do pay back.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 2:05 pm
amother [ Lemon ] wrote:
I dont think your parents have any expectations of you paying them back. Please don't do this, save the money for yourself right now. Speaking as the mother of marrieds and I did give some support even though we see not wealthy at all. I would never want my kids to pay me back.


Yes - my parents would feel the same way. I wonder what it is in me that it bothers me that I took this money. I see people on youtube that are the age I was back then and they lead independent lives, self supported. I feel like a wimp that I took money from my parents for over a decade.
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amother




Ebony
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 2:13 pm
Use the money to give your children the kind of education that will hopefully enable them to be self-supporting.
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amother




Apricot
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 2:24 pm
your parents supported you because they value things like learning in kollel, marrying young, having kids right away, large families.... the people you see on you tube are most likely not having that type of setup, don't have to pay for kosher food, pay real estate in frum community, tuitions... can work on Saturday... it's not really fair to compare yourself....
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amother




Mocha
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 2:25 pm
Our parents would never have allowed us to repay them but did tell us when we're generous with our own kids' support that will give them nachas. Your parents thought they were doing a good thing helping you out. Like any good thing parents do for kids they feel good to see you repeat what they modeled for you. If they're not here to see it you can consider it a zchus for the neshama.
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amother




Molasses
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 2:29 pm
So I was in a similar situation with my in laws. The way we sorted it out was a deal that I would help pay it forward to my in laws. I guided my BIL to go to accounting school and helped him get his degree and a job. I also helped my other BIL go to school and am helping him get a degree and a job. By helping both members of the family become established and self sufficient, we agreed my chesbon is clear. To my in laws, helping in this way was worth more than the 100k they gave me towards my degree.
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amother




Slateblue
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 2:32 pm
1. Parents do this because it gives them pleasure to see their children and grandchildren be comfortable
2. They can’t take it with them after 120
3. It was a Zebulon and Yissachar relationship the time your husband was in Kolel

It gives your parents nachas to help you struggle less, don’t take that away from them

Do put away money to help your children even if it’s not the same as what your parents did for you
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amother




Lime
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 2:34 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Right! That's the thing. I definitely don't have the money! Nowhere near that amount! I am just wondering is this a worthy goal to aspire for. Dina Friedman is saying to list all your goals that you want let's say in the financial realm. This one keeps coming up but it's a stupid one! (I think). but it bugs me I took that money. I'm curious to hear if it's wrong of me not to pay back - if others do pay back.



Got it. I think it's kind and generous for parents to help their children. It doesn't sound like in theory giving your parents 1500 a month would change their life one bit. Also, they aren't asking for the money back. I don't think you should aspire to pay them back. They never said it was to be paid back, they aren't asking for it now, and you can't afford it anyway. Count your blessing that they helped you and when they day comes that you have extra money, you can help others with a smile.
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amother




DarkRed
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 2:50 pm
You will be able to pay them back in the future, by helping take care of them when they’re aging. There are all sorts of things that children can do for parents, that will be much more appreciated than giving them back money.
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amother




Butterscotch
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 2:53 pm
My parents have helped us over the years. There were times where we really would not have managed without their help. And they gave us money towards the house. They never ever ever implied that they want the money back. They taught me such a valuable lesson that if you have the money that it's a mitzvah to try and help your kids. We were working a very hard but things were just not going our way and we were just not making ends meet. Now that we have kids that are married we are able to help them. We don't have enough money to buy them a house. None of them are in kollel but they would not have been able to get married without us helping out with rent for the first year. I would never even think that the money was meant to be repaid to us. And God willing I hope we never will need it. If us are my parents had needed it back then I feel like the situation would have been different perhaps. I got such pleasure that I'm able to help out my kids. I never asked for them to spend more time with me or anything because of it but it really makes me happy to see them happy.
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amother




Jade
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 3:29 pm
There is no point in paying your parents money they don’t need.

Many parents who are affluent give money to their children which they would inherit anyway. !y parents gave me and my brother down payments and also helped with education and large emergency medical expenses. It would have been ridiculous for me to pay them back and then inherit. For what purpose? There was no issue of children being treated unfairly during life as my parents were very even handed because they didn’t want to create potential strife.

Of course you can talk to them about it. When my parents go to be older they made sure that we were aware of how they had set up the Trust. When my mother died before my father, I was added as a Trustee so that things would be taken care of.

When he died, it was such an important thing that I knew where his accounts were and who his broker was. I actually used the same broker so it was very simple.

I also had medical power of attorney and had talked to his PCP so there were no problems with HIPAA

So I would certainly recommend talking with your parents as a way of making sure that things are in order.
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Success10




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2021, 3:45 pm
I don't think your desire to repay them is coming from a healthy place. I feel (and I may be wrong) that if you had always had a more functional relationship with them, you'd feel a lot better taking money from them unconditionally.
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