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Tantrums in Public
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Nov 23 2021, 11:41 pm
What do you think when you see a kid tantrumming in public or in a store?

Is it ok when the mom is sort of standing off to the side and not giving in? Sort of quietly talking to the child every few minutes...
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amother




Fuchsia
 

Post Tue, Nov 23 2021, 11:46 pm
I feel like hugging the mother and telling her it's okay, she shouldn't worry. That we've all been through this and it's hard but things will get better.

The only time I cringe is when the mother is yelling at the tantruming child. Even though I get why one might be tempted to do so.
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LovesHashem




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Nov 23 2021, 11:49 pm
All I see is a kid being a kid.

As long as the mom isn't screaming, dragging, or belittling her child I don't really think much. I'd just walk right past.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 12:03 am
How about when the kid is dragging their coat behind them in 40*F, 4*C and screeching and the mom is just walking beside them.
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amother




Alyssum
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 12:05 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
How about when the kid is dragging their coat behind them in 40*F, 4*C and screeching and the mom is just walking beside them.


I don't think anything and when my kid is having a tantrum in public, I ignore and try to get out of there as fast as I can.
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mushkamothers




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 12:07 am
Your child's behavior in public is not an indication of your parenting... YOUR behavior is.
You cannot control your child, you can only control yourself. Personally I have some pretty epic public tantrum stories (like, my kids were out of control) that I can proudly say I get gold stars for.
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amother




Zinnia
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 12:12 am
You most definitely should be ignoring it and minding your own business. How is another child’s tantrum anyone’s concern?
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 12:28 am
amother [ Zinnia ] wrote:
You most definitely should be ignoring it and minding your own business. How is another child’s tantrum anyone’s concern?


I am describing my own kids behaviors and my reaction to it. Just wondering how it is perceived by others.
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LovesHashem




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 12:59 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
How about when the kid is dragging their coat behind them in 40*F, 4*C and screeching and the mom is just walking beside them.


Kids are kids and do stuff like this.

This is so common. As a mom I'd try to reason with the child a bit but if they were past reasoning I'd just try to get them home to a warm home with food and a bed (which in my expirience is usually what's wrong).

I really don't understand why people are embarrassed of their children acting like children and feel they need to give in and bribe their kid and do wtvr it takes to make them stop.
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amother




Ballota
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 1:10 am
I had a situation with my toddler screaming and not wearing her coat (she had just been woken up) just two days ago. It was just from the house to the (somewhat warmed up) car. It was ok.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 2:06 am
40F isn't that cold. It's even above freezing. If the child chooses not to wear a coat, who cares?
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thesoundofmusic




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 2:55 am
I always think of what dr. spock says in his book:
chidren have tantrums when they are hungry, thirsty, tired or over stimulated.
I dont judge when someone elses kid is having a tantrum but sometimes I feel sad when I see a mom taking her kid shoppping (not taking about an emergancy) at 7:30 and the kid is insaney exahusted, and over stimuated at the store.
seriousy if you want to avoid your own kids tantrums- take two minutes to plan your day efficianty- no running out at the ast second int he evening to buy dinner fixings, and shopping for clothes at 8:00 at night. it doesnt solve the problem compeaty but sure does cut out tons of tantrums.
aso- dont stay at chanukah parties til your kids are osing it- plan them a bit earlier, and eave at a norma time, or bring pjs so they can shower by bubby and be ready and melow....
(yes I do work ful time and have ots of kids bliayh- who are super intense:))
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amother




Lilac
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 3:00 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What do you think when you see a kid tantrumming in public or in a store?

Is it ok when the mom is sort of standing off to the side and not giving in? Sort of quietly talking to the child every few minutes...


I think to myself I feel bad for this mom I know exactly what she is going through because it happens to me all the time
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amother




Antiquewhite
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 6:21 am
I wouldn’t blame the mom, but if it were my child, I wouldn’t continue to go to that store with that child at that time. I would change the situation for the future
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WhatFor




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 6:38 am
thesoundofmusic wrote:
I always think of what dr. spock says in his book:
chidren have tantrums when they are hungry, thirsty, tired or over stimulated.
I dont judge when someone elses kid is having a tantrum but sometimes I feel sad when I see a mom taking her kid shoppping (not taking about an emergancy) at 7:30 and the kid is insaney exahusted, and over stimuated at the store.
seriousy if you want to avoid your own kids tantrums- take two minutes to plan your day efficianty- no running out at the ast second int he evening to buy dinner fixings, and shopping for clothes at 8:00 at night. it doesnt solve the problem compeaty but sure does cut out tons of tantrums.
aso- dont stay at chanukah parties til your kids are osing it- plan them a bit earlier, and eave at a norma time, or bring pjs so they can shower by bubby and be ready and melow....
(yes I do work ful time and have ots of kids bliayh- who are super intense:))


But how do you know that this isn't the most efficient way a parent can get it done? What if the parent is working every other hour of every day and the only time they have is 8pm and they need to take this child because there's no one to watch them?
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 6:47 am
Once, many years ago, after my (SN mainstreamed) child did something outrageous in class, I spoke to a wise and compassionate rav for eitza. He reminded me that my job was to be my child's guide and coach. If I started getting embarrassed by my child's behavior, and taking it as a reflection on myself, then I wouldn't be in a proper headspace for effective chinuch.

Repeat to yourself -- it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says; your child's behavior in a moment of stress is about your child, not about you. The appropriate response starts and ends there.

My children were given to me so that I could grow by helping them. They were not given to me for my nachas; that sometimes happens, and is beautiful, but it's not the raison d'etre.

This has been a huge help in my life, and I hope it will help you, too.
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amother




Blonde
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 8:45 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What do you think when you see a kid tantrumming in public or in a store?

Is it ok when the mom is sort of standing off to the side and not giving in? Sort of quietly talking to the child every few minutes...

I don't understand the question.

You're asking if the mother is doing the right thing by not giving in to the tantrum, and not acting out herself?

What did you want her to be doing? Giving in so that the child learns that if you act out in public, you'll get whatever you want?

Furthermore, why are you judging the mother and asking if what she's doing is okay? Why would that be any of your business?

I've got a better question. If a child is doing something that endangers others, is it okay if the mother sort of stands off to the side and doesn't start a fight? If the child isn't making too much noise, but is just doing something really dangerous and if they fall then they'll hurt someone else's child, is it okay if the mother just kind of talks to the child quietly every few minutes?

ETA maybe you are the mother and felt judged by someone else, so if so I apologize for attacking you.
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amother




Blonde
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 8:48 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
How about when the kid is dragging their coat behind them in 40*F, 4*C and screeching and the mom is just walking beside them.

Big whop. If the kid is cold s/he will wear the coat.

The child obviously has a coat, and has a parent who is walking beside them (not far away from them) and who made sure the coat came with.

Seriously nothing else is important.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 9:04 am
thesoundofmusic wrote:
I always think of what dr. spock says in his book:
chidren have tantrums when they are hungry, thirsty, tired or over stimulated.
I dont judge when someone elses kid is having a tantrum but sometimes I feel sad when I see a mom taking her kid shoppping (not taking about an emergancy) at 7:30 and the kid is insaney exahusted, and over stimuated at the store.
seriousy if you want to avoid your own kids tantrums- take two minutes to plan your day efficianty- no running out at the ast second int he evening to buy dinner fixings, and shopping for clothes at 8:00 at night. it doesnt solve the problem compeaty but sure does cut out tons of tantrums.
aso- dont stay at chanukah parties til your kids are osing it- plan them a bit earlier, and eave at a norma time, or bring pjs so they can shower by bubby and be ready and melow....
(yes I do work ful time and have ots of kids bliayh- who are super intense:))


Do you know how Dr. Spock's kids turned out? (from what I heard - not that great.)

The above may be true most of the time, but it certainly isn't true all of the time.
There definitely are kids who are more tantrum-prone. They may tantrum because some nebulous thing ticked them off.

And it's not always possible to cater to the child so that he/she is never in a tired/over-stimulated situation, nor is it the healthiest way to bring up a child either (IMVHO). Sometimes over time a child learns to cope with those feelings, and the tantrums lessen while skills are gained.

After all, one day the child will I"YH be a parent and there will definitely be times where he/she will feel tired and over-stimulated, and will have to manage anyway.
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amother




Blonde
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 9:10 am
Chayalle wrote:
Do you know how Dr. Spock's kids turned out? (from what I heard - not that great.)

The above may be true most of the time, but it certainly isn't true all of the time.
There definitely are kids who are more tantrum-prone. They may tantrum because some nebulous thing ticked them off.

And it's not always possible to cater to the child so that he/she is never in a tired/over-stimulated situation, nor is it the healthiest way to bring up a child either (IMVHO). Sometimes over time a child learns to cope with those feelings, and the tantrums lessen while skills are gained.

After all, one day the child will I"YH be a parent and there will definitely be times where he/she will feel tired and over-stimulated, and will have to manage anyway.

That was my first thought, too. My grandmother recently told me how much she regrets following Dr. Spock's advice. She said she doesn't really blame herself, because everyone in her day followed his advice, they believed he was an expert. But she is not happy with how things turned out, and with the years came to understand how much he was wrong about and that certain other things would have been much better to do instead.
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