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Disconnect between school and parenting
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 4:32 pm
imorethanamother wrote:
Is switching schools an option? If it’s this excessive your children will likely learn to hate school.


I'm happy with everything else, and it's really the best fit for us. I also don't know that this won't follow me to other schools because I have 2 friends in different schools and areas dealing with this too. So I wouldn't switch for this. I would rather figure out a way to get on the same page as the school.
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amother




Linen
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 4:51 pm
I look serious and then go home and do as I see fit. I'm the parent, not they. I may or may not go around telling anyone who'll listen "Can you believe what the teacher or principal said!"

One of my dc was almost too well-behaved and this was a little worrisome. A child should be a child, not a robot. At one Parent-Teacher conference the teacher said "You must speak to your dc, who sometimes talks to the kid in the next row." Notice the language: not constantly or frequently, but sometimes. I put on my "deeply concerned parent" look and said "I see, thank you for telling me. "

No lie, thank you for telling me. Inside I was doing cartwheels--Hurray, the child is normal!
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amother




Honeysuckle
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 4:57 pm
Its possible that your negativity causes your child more harm than the teachers rules.
Children absorb parents vibes towards teachers.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 4:59 pm
amother [ Honeysuckle ] wrote:
Its possible that your negativity causes your child more harm than the teachers rules.
Children absorb parents vibes towards teachers.


Where do you see negativity? I’m super positive about school I never say anything negative to or in front of my kids. And I don’t feel any negativity towards the school.
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amother




Ivory
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 6:19 pm
Didn’t read the whole thread, but I was a top student who doodled in class. It really depended on the teacher whether it was a problem or not. Some years I had teachers who took away my notebooks or sent home my doodles for my parents to sign. Some years I had teachers who understood and ignored it or even one who offered me extra work to do in class if I was bored. The main thing to me was that my parents supported me and didn’t make a big deal about it. If it bothered the teacher, they told me to try not to do it cuz it bothered the teacher but they didn’t get upset. Just communicate to your child about the issue and if necessary, you can explain your child’s ‘style’ to the teacher at PTA. Try not to let it get to you, BH your child is a top student and there will always be teachers who will find what to nitpick about. As long as a child feels like his parents have his back, it’s all good.
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amother




Brass
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 6:38 pm
What are some of the other complaints besides the doodling? Is it the same child you are hearing issues about year after year? Can you possibly find some connections between all of your child’s behaviors that are considered disruptive? Have you ever had this child evaluated?
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 7:14 pm
amother [ Brass ] wrote:
What are some of the other complaints besides the doodling? Is it the same child you are hearing issues about year after year? Can you possibly find some connections between all of your child’s behaviors that are considered disruptive? Have you ever had this child evaluated?


It’s mostly the same kid. Although once in a while another kid. She’s been evaluated multiple times no issues were found. She tested above average and boredom is probably a factor.
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amother




Linen
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 9:29 pm
As long as she's doodling in her notebook and not on the desk or school-property textbooks, what the problem?

The problem is that the doodling gives the teacher the impression that she's not paying attention, when the exact opposite may be true. Doodling is usually a mindless activity, and may be a kind of self-soothing process that keeps her in her seat while leaving her mind free to listen to what's going on. I know because when I was on a committee that held frequent long meetings, I was finding myself filling my notebook with doodles. After a few meetings I found something else to keep my hands busy when I wasn't taking notes, not only because the doodling wasn't productive but also because it made a poor impression, implying that I was bored.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 9:33 pm
amother [ Linen ] wrote:
As long as she's doodling in her notebook and not on the desk or school-property textbooks, what the problem?

The problem is that the doodling gives the teacher the impression that she's not paying attention, when the exact opposite may be true. Doodling is usually a mindless activity, and may be a kind of self-soothing process that keeps her in her seat while leaving her mind free to listen to what's going on. I know because when I was on a committee that held frequent long meetings, I was finding myself filling my notebook with doodles. After a few meetings I found something else to keep my hands busy when I wasn't taking notes, not only because the doodling wasn't productive but also because it made a poor impression, implying that I was bored.


Right but that's on the teacher to look past it. If she sees that she knows the work and does well then there is no reason to make a big deal about it. And it's not fair to make the kid stop just because the teacher perceives it a certain way.
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imorethanamother




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 10:22 pm
What kind of psychotic place do you live in where every school is running after the quietest, most well behaved girl in class because she doodles?
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 10:54 pm
imorethanamother wrote:
What kind of psychotic place do you live in where every school is running after the quietest, most well behaved girl in class because she doodles?


I don’t appreciate this comment or this attack. I said she’s far from perfect. All I said was she doesn’t struggle academically or do anything that’s majorly disruptive.
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amother




Charcoal
 

Post Wed, Nov 24 2021, 11:27 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I don’t appreciate this comment or this attack. I said she’s far from perfect. All I said was she doesn’t struggle academically or do anything that’s majorly disruptive.


What does she do besides doodling that they complain about?
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amother




Junglegreen
 

Post Thu, Nov 25 2021, 12:31 am
Teachers end up trying to micromanage too much.. Explain to the teacher and since she was evaluated maybe get a letter from the psychologist explaining that doodling helps her with boredom in a none disruptive way.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Nov 25 2021, 12:38 am
I long ago made peace with the fact that none of my kids will likely be perfectly in synch with what the school wants from them. Considering the hell dh and I respectively gave our teachers what kind of DNA do I want my kids to have anyway?
Every school and every class has that square peg in a round hole. Usually more than one. We are a family of square pegs.
So every year I have those necessary conversations with the teachers, and the kids, trying to smooth the edges but in no way expecting everything to always run smoothly.
At home my kids are celebrated for who they are. In school they learn that the world won’t always cater to them.
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amother




Diamond
 

Post Thu, Nov 25 2021, 1:53 am
You've only told us about the doodling, which no one sees as a real problem. In what other ways is DD "not perfect" in school?

How is she doing socially? Does she generally follow group norms? (I don't mean being a zombie conformist, just going with the flow.) If she's doing all right socially and academically, then you can just shrug off the phone calls.
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amother




Quince
 

Post Thu, Nov 25 2021, 2:53 am
I’ve been a teacher for 15 years in multiple schools on 2 continents.

I’ve never seen a teacher complain about kids doodling in class if the work was turned in and the grades were okay.

Maybe as a joke in parent teaching meeting. Where You are talking about a real top kid. And the parents are like is there anything the child needs to work on and you say
Well. She does doodle a lot.

I dunno. Something here sounds really sketchy.

Like I’m not saying this isn’t true.

I’m just saying most teachers have enough real issues in their classroom they don’t have time to call parents cuz there’s a kid with good marks whose not disturbing but she happens to be doodling.

So either you live in pleasantville with the most perfect student body or there is a little more to the story.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Nov 25 2021, 6:05 am
I’m not giving more details because it’s not relevant to my question and I don’t need to be identified. I said multiple times she does small things that annoy the teaches, I never said she’s perfect and that only doodling is the problem. I gave it as an example and said the other things are similar. I’m not taking it personally but seriously some of you are the reason people hate posting here. Thanks Zehava that is super helpful and that’s what my question was about.
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Nov 25 2021, 7:30 am
I'm with Zehava on this one. Schools don't cater to every child. They cater to the group. Sometimes we have teachers that hear us, believe us and are team players and other times not. And when not we pick up the pieces. I personally compensate in many ways when a kid is having a hard year with a teacher. The same type of self care I would do if I was going through something tough.

One example. And I'm not saying this is perfect parenting. My kid had a difficult day in school. The Rebbe was in a bad mood and yelling, the principal banned something the class wanted to do. First I just let him cry near me and talked to him and soothed him. Then an hour later he found out that a really fun family chanukah party was cancelled. I just felt so bad that I took him to get a slush. I told him that I know it won't make the pain go away.

This is just one example. But in general I make the house as happy and safe and chilled as I could. The worse the school year the more chilled I make the house.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Nov 25 2021, 8:03 am
behappy2 wrote:
I'm with Zehava on this one. Schools don't cater to every child. They cater to the group. Sometimes we have teachers that hear us, believe us and are team players and other times not. And when not we pick up the pieces. I personally compensate in many ways when a kid is having a hard year with a teacher. The same type of self care I would do if I was going through something tough.

One example. And I'm not saying this is perfect parenting. My kid had a difficult day in school. The Rebbe was in a bad mood and yelling, the principal banned something the class wanted to do. First I just let him cry near me and talked to him and soothed him. Then an hour later he found out that a really fun family chanukah party was cancelled. I just felt so bad that I took him to get a slush. I told him that I know it won't make the pain go away.

This is just one example. But in general I make the house as happy and safe and chilled as I could. The worse the school year the more chilled I make the house.


This is super helpful thanks
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professor




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Nov 25 2021, 8:53 am
amother [ Red ] wrote:
The school works for the parents and children, not the other way around.

This is true. BUT the school works for a LOT of different parents who have different and sometimes opposing views. The only way for a school to work is to allow the school to make the rules. Sometimes the rules make sense, sometimes like OP's example, it's just silly and uncomfortable for the child and the parent. I think, like some posters said, talk to your kid. Make sure she knows that there's nothing wrong with what she does, explain to her that the world is full of people with different temperaments, and in order to get along you sometimes have to give up a hobby (like doodling on notes and instead get her some scrap paper) for a whole year in order to get along or have a discussion with your teacher where you both come up with a middle way.
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