Children to great grandparent's levaya?

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amother

Sat, Nov 27 2021, 7:20 pm

My grandparent passed away on shabbos. At what age could/should children attend the levaya? I'm definitely planning to leave 8yr old and down with a babysitter. I feel like my 14yr old will want to go and will be ok with it.
I'm not sure about almost 11yr old dd. What should I do?

Ema of 4

Sat, Nov 27 2021, 7:24 pm

I’m sorry for your loss :-(
It really depends on the kid. Also their relationship with your grandparent. I took my 9 year old to my grandfathers levaya, but he was close with him. (I took my 4 year old also, because I didn’t have anywhere to leave him. It was an airport levaya, so he was off to the side, not by the actual levaya.) I didn’t take my 7 year old. I didn’t want to take her to my fathers levaya either, because it would be too much for her, but we ended up taking all the kids.

amother

Indigo

Sat, Nov 27 2021, 7:25 pm

I would probably take 10 and up.

Elfrida

Sat, Nov 27 2021, 7:26 pm

Ask her. If she does want to come, try to arrange for an adult she knows well to be there to look after her (and the fourteen year old). You may be too involved/occupied to spend time with them, and they need some e else to look after them, or take them out if the decide its too much.

After the levaya, make sure you talk to them about it.

amother

Electricblue

Sat, Nov 27 2021, 7:57 pm

I was 8 at one and 10 at another.
I distinctly remember not attending another at 10 as well (as it was a graveside) and I was really sad to have missed it.

HonesttoGod

Sat, Nov 27 2021, 8:32 pm

Ask her. It would depend a lot on her relationship with said grandparent.

amother

Narcissus

Sat, Nov 27 2021, 8:42 pm

amother [ Electricblue ] wrote:

I was 8 at one and 10 at another.
I distinctly remember not attending another at 10 as well (as it was a graveside) and I was really sad to have missed it.

Same.
I was 9 at my grandfathers levaya and I felt so horrible that I was babysat as if I didn’t also have a loss and didn’t need to mourn with all the adults. 30 yrs later and I’m still bitter about not being able to process his passing properly. Id even rethink the 8 year old unless there are extenuating circumstances like extreme behavior issues etc.

amother

Gray

Sat, Nov 27 2021, 9:06 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I think you should give the 14 year old the choice. Explain what it will be like and what to expect and it's up to them. I definitely think going to the cemetery is not a good idea.
By my gradmothers levaya there was a zoom option and my 10 and 12 year olds decided to stay home and watch on zoom.
My 13 year old nephew did go and had a very hard time. He said he's happy he went but it was hard for him.

small bean

Sat, Nov 27 2021, 9:13 pm

Ive given my kids choices and usually those over 10 wanted to go and those under did not.

By my grandmother though there was not time to make arrangements so I took everyone. I dont think anyone was scarred.

amother

Papaya

Sat, Nov 27 2021, 9:15 pm

I was 9 when my grandfather passed away. My parents took me to the levaya but not to the cemetery. I think they made the right choice.

I knew my grandfather well and it helped give me some closure. I appreciated hearing people talk about him. It was a bit hard hearing my father cry, but I saw that at home to when he heard the news so the levaya didn't really add to that. I would have been upset to be left at home with my younger siblings.

I'm glad they didn't take me to the cemetery though, I think that would have been to much for me.

At the same time you need to know your child if they are more sensitive or not...