A peeker. | Imamother

amother

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 10:09 am

How do I stop these to behaviors in my 6 year old. First off, she's not my oldest but the older ones are very well behaved good midos kids. She is more my challenge one. First since she was a like maybe 3 yrs old or even younger.. she always had a need to see under clothing she would lay on the floor so she could look up people underpants after I nursed the baby she would tug on my shell to peek inside. I would say dd thats not manners. We don't do this thing to people. She herself even now can sometimes walk out of the bathroom with underwear down. Or lie in bed half undressed. She would say I just want to see who is at the door or other excuse. This doesn't hapen daily but still to often. I feel too often because she is smart and knows that body is private. Even when she "gets it" like at this age she knows it not nice to look under someone's skirt in a smart aleck way (shes a smart kid) she will get around it another way. Kids her age are not always careful.The other day we came home very late from a family wedding-im not blaming her bad mood she was overtired. However guess what she did when she got upset she started picking up my tichel and pulling off my hair covering. And picking up my shirt.laying on the floor happened twice in the past 6 months.I know that 6 year old like playing still Dr etc and it could be normal. But how do I cure her need for peeking.

Zehava

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 10:29 am

Oy so much labeling for such a little kid. I’ll bet she’s continuing these behaviors because you’re making such a big deal out of nothing. Clearly in your house, little kids bodies are shameful and taboo. My kids all still run around shamelessly naked at that age. Is it ideal? No. But it’s also not the biggest catastrophe. They do learn eventually. But if every time she peeked or picked up a shirt since she was a toddler you got all upset then certainly it makes sense that she’s continuing to do it at six. She learned that this is the way to get mommy’s attention and get her upset.

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 10:48 am

Clearly this bothers you, and she knows it does. I’m not sure how many children you have but it’s obvious she’s doing this for attention.

Give her extra attention and cuddles. Don’t shame her or her body. Reinforce that she’s beautiful and her body is beautiful.

You hair is not an ervah for your daughter to see. She’s curious about the one woman who’s supposed to be what she looks like when she grows up. She wants to know what breasts look like. She wants to know how your hair looks under a tichel.

Be frank and open with her. But also you can gently remind her that breasts are private and one day she will have them too.

If she’s trying to lie on the floor and look under people’s skirts, say “you silly goose” and then ask if she would like it if people tried to do that to her. If she says yes, just shrug and say ok but other people will be upset and we have to respect them.

Be neutral instead of over-reacting with each perceived lack of tznius and be gentle. Getting very worked up about this will backfire.

amother

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 10:50 am

Well she is very tall for her age and also overweight. My older kids hold themselves back from a negative comment when they see her walking around undressed. We are chassidish tznius technicaly starts at 3.Ut is partially for attention. I'm not giving it attention, but on a nice weathered day if she comes to the door with her pants down she gets alot of negative attention from all the neighbors how nuts she is. And sorry she is not supposed to look under her mothers skirt. I'm allowed to say not nice you don't belong laying on the floor

We don't say its not tznius just that its bad manners. Her sister says people don't want to be friends if you do it. Its annoying behavior for her friends too. Again as long as it doesn't happen to often its ok with them but annoying

amother

Trillium

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 11:04 am

Tall overweight young kids often suffer terribly because the adults around them expect them to behave a lot older than they actually are. Which can eventually lead to acting out...a kind of emotional regression because they've been pushed too far ahead emotionally. (without anyone intentionally meaning any harm.)

Would just work on giving her tons of positive attention, hugs, and cuddles. And educate her about "social norms" very gently.

amother

Lawngreen

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 11:15 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Well giving it more attention is clearly not working.
Do you want to be smart or do you want to be right?

Last edited by amother on Wed, Dec 15 2021, 9:11 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Mulberry

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 11:16 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It sounds like there’s more going on than just the peeking.

Esty 4

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 11:49 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Well she is very tall for her age and also overweight. My older kids hold themselves back from a negative comment when they see her walking around undressed. We are chassidish tznius technicaly starts at 3.Ut is partially for attention. I'm not giving it attention, but on a nice weathered day if she comes to the door with her pants down she gets alot of negative attention from all the neighbors how nuts she is. And sorry she is not supposed to look under her mothers skirt. I'm allowed to say not nice you don't belong laying on the floor

We don't say it's not tznius just that its bad manners. Her sister says people don't want to be friends if you do it. It's annoying behavior for her friends too. Again as long as it doesn't happen too often it's ok with them but annoying

I had something similar with my kid. The teacher suggested play therapy. turns out she witnessed something very inappropriate for her age and was traumatized by it. sometimes this behavior is a call for attention that needs to be addressed. after a few months of play therapy, it stopped b''h and she's a much happier child.

Esty 4

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 11:50 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Nov 28 2021, 12:40 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

if she comes to the door with her pants down she gets alot of negative attention from all the neighbors how nuts she is. And sorry she is not supposed to look under her mothers skirt. I'm allowed to say not nice you don't belong laying on the floor

Wow. Your neighbors say to her face she’s nuts? Can you tell them to their face that they’re rude and obnoxious? Your daughter will remember that you didn’t defend her.

You’re right, she shouldn’t look under your skirt. But your comments on her weight (you said she’s smart, she’s picked up on your disapproval), plus her older siblings being mean, plus there might be a hyper focus on tznius, and boom you have a recipe for anger and rebellion right here.

You are allowed to say “not nice”, but that cannot be the only things you say to her. Start a mitzvah chart with all the times when she does a good kind thing. Anything. Saying hello or good shabbos or I love you.

And talk it out. Have lots of cuddles in your bed and talk out WHY instead of just saying DON’T. Why do you want to see my underwear? It makes me embarrassed, darling. I love you I can show you clean pairs of the underwear in my drawer, would that help? Reinforce that only she is in charge of her own bathing suit areas, and remind her no one should see them without her permission. Make it about being empowered instead of being shameful. Ask if she has questions about her privacy.

You can buy a Barbie doll and discuss it and how it looks. Keep it neutral and matter of fact.

And yes, per other posters, wonder whether she’s trying to tell you something.