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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Chanukah
Family feud over date of party
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Nov 28 2021, 11:53 am
Each year, my family argues about the date on which our chanuka party should be. No one is ever available on the same date and we end up arguing passive aggressively over who should ask their in laws to change the date of their party.

This year my in laws and parents scheduled their parties for the same night. I think I’m going to just split my time between them instead of trying to get one of them changed to a different day, which isn’t going to be easy because they’re a 45 minute drive from each other. Im going to feel FOMO about the parts of both parties that I miss and it’s so annoying that I’ll be super busy that night but bored the rest of the nights of chanuka.

It’s so frustrating because parties are supposed to be fun, not stressful! Anyone relate?
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SG18




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 28 2021, 11:59 am
This happens in my family every year, with my mother and father's parents' parties. They split up the family- one parent and some kids to one party, the rest to the other.
I've driven to both in the past, even though they're 2 hours apart.
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Genius




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 28 2021, 12:04 pm
My humble opinion: choose one to go to and be there. Otherwise you spend the party traveling and miss out on both. You’ll get to be at the other one (or both) next year.
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amother
Ultramarine


 

Post Sun, Nov 28 2021, 12:06 pm
Yup this happens evrys single year. We created a rotation and switch off between parents and in-laws.
We try to go for dinner one night to the side that we didn't attend the part that's year.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Nov 28 2021, 12:06 pm
It’s validating to hear it’s not just my family, thanks all for sharing!

Now my sister is texting me that she already told me the date of our party before my in laws decided and I should have told my in laws the date. She mentioned it in the last 3 seconds of a long voice note I listened to while in a rush. I’ve already decided to give in and split my time between my in laws and parents parties - does she seriously have to look for receipts and get mad at me? Sad Now I’m feeling angry and hurt. Not in the chanuka spirit.
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 28 2021, 12:36 pm
We skip some parties some years.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 28 2021, 1:07 pm
mit ein por fis ken men nit tantzen bai tzvei chasenes. With one pair of feet you can’t dance at two weddings. Accept whichever invitation was extended first, or split up your family and some go to one and the others to another, or have a formal rotation set up for the next 20 years and follow it, or go to the party of whomever you didn’t go to on Sukkot or Pesach, or say to perdition with it all and stay home, but do NOT try to attend more than one party on the same evening. That satisfies no one, not even you.
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happy chick




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 28 2021, 1:14 pm
it is very annoying, especially when theres nothing else going on the rest of the week. but I would also suggest not going to 2 parties in one night, especially that they're 45 min drive from each other. you wont enjoy either. sorry, I dont have any better ideas, but splitting is not the best idea, JMHO. choose one and enjoy.
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amother
Gold


 

Post Sun, Nov 28 2021, 1:18 pm
My parents started making their party right before or right after chanukah so that everyone should be able to fully join.
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mommy2x




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 28 2021, 9:03 pm
Can you ask one to be earlier or later? Like one start at 6 and one at 8?
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observer




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 28 2021, 9:04 pm
You can just switch off years, one year with your family, one year with his.
This way you can be fully present at the party.
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amother
Diamond


 

Post Sun, Nov 28 2021, 9:15 pm
Go to one side for the party and to the other for a dinner on another Chanukah night.

It's nice to get to see the extended family, but what ends up happening is that the grandparents end up sitting home alone for the other 7 nights, because everyone feels like they just visited them.

My grandmother stopped with the parties and just makes a kugel and salad every night of Chanukah for whoever wants to come up any night.

Family reunions can happen any Motzei Shabbos.


Last edited by amother on Wed, Dec 15 2021, 9:03 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Wandflower


 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 9:29 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It’s validating to hear it’s not just my family, thanks all for sharing!

Now my sister is texting me that she already told me the date of our party before my in laws decided and I should have told my in laws the date. She mentioned it in the last 3 seconds of a long voice note I listened to while in a rush. I’ve already decided to give in and split my time between my in laws and parents parties - does she seriously have to look for receipts and get mad at me? Sad Now I’m feeling angry and hurt. Not in the chanuka spirit.
Your sister is way overstepping. That's not her place. Not her business. You decide which party to go to based on what works for your family. Either ignore her or nicely tell her to MYOB.
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amother
Peru


 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 11:26 am
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Sesame




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 11:45 am
Agree your sis is being rude. Do what works for you and enjoy whatever decision you make
Personally I wouldn’t plan to go to both, too much pressure, fomo to leave one and by the time you get to the other it’s basically finished.
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amother
Chambray


 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 12:09 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Each year, my family argues about the date on which our chanuka party should be. No one is ever available on the same date and we end up arguing passive aggressively over who should ask their in laws to change the date of their party.

This year my in laws and parents scheduled their parties for the same night. I think I’m going to just split my time between them instead of trying to get one of them changed to a different day, which isn’t going to be easy because they’re a 45 minute drive from each other. Im going to feel FOMO about the parts of both parties that I miss and it’s so annoying that I’ll be super busy that night but bored the rest of the nights of chanuka.

It’s so frustrating because parties are supposed to be fun, not stressful! Anyone relate?


A 45 minute drive isn't so bad. You can do it. Remember, it will be your kids one day trying to arrange chanukah parties. Show your kids the importance of flexibility. Sacrifice a bit for family.

It may be "annoying", but remember that it may be "annoying" for your children one day too. But you'll want them to make the effort.
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amother
Chambray


 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 12:12 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It’s validating to hear it’s not just my family, thanks all for sharing!

Now my sister is texting me that she already told me the date of our party before my in laws decided and I should have told my in laws the date. She mentioned it in the last 3 seconds of a long voice note I listened to while in a rush. I’ve already decided to give in and split my time between my in laws and parents parties - does she seriously have to look for receipts and get mad at me? Sad Now I’m feeling angry and hurt. Not in the chanuka spirit.


Your sister has a point. She arranged your family's party to suit everyone's schedules before your in-laws arranged their party. Is this not a valid point?
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amother
Chambray


 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 12:13 pm
Sometimes I wonder why people don't see that someday their kids will IYH be in the same position they themselves are in now.

Make good choices.
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amother
Diamond


 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 12:25 pm
amother [ Chambray ] wrote:
Sometimes I wonder why people don't see that someday their kids will IYH be in the same position they themselves are in now.

Make good choices.


Oh please stop with the guilt.
I want my kids to be happy. Zehu.


Last edited by amother on Wed, Dec 15 2021, 8:55 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Gold


 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 1:44 pm
OP, if your In Laws told you the date of their party after your parents did, why didn't you tell them that you're not available that night?
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