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Dear Abba, on your first birthday without you

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Nov 28 2021, 11:02 pm
Dear Abba
I want to say I will be able to get through writing this without crying, but I know I won’t. This chanuka is doubly painful- it is the first one without you, and it’s also your first birthday without you. You would have been 70 tonight.
I don’t know how I am supposed to weather this storm without you, because you were always the one who weathered the storms with me. I remember that conversation that we had the summer after your surgery, right after you were diagnosed. We stepped out of reality for a few minutes, and you told me that no matter what happens, I will always be able to talk to you.
Well, here I am, talking to you, only now you can’t respond back. You can’t guide me in raising my children anymore. You can’t guide me in being a good Jew anymore.
I always hear your voice in my head though, so I guess maybe you are still guiding me. Thank god my husband doesn’t understand my pain, but unfortunately my husband doesn’t understand my pain. Just getting through the day takes actual effort; it takes thought and focus.
I know you are looking down on us, watching us, davening for us. We couldn’t ask for a better advocate.
You were my rock and my idol. If I can manage to be even a fraction of the parent that you were, I will be happy. I really don’t know how you did it. You never raised your voice to me, even though I gave you plenty of reason. You were always so level headed, even when you were angry with or disappointed in me.
All I can ask from you now is that you please daven for Ima, for my siblings and their spouses and children and grandchildren, and for me, and my husband and my kids. Please intercede on our behalf when you see that we need it. Please send me a sign when I veer off course. Please illuminate the proper path for me and my marriage and my children and their futures.
I love you, always and forever
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amother




Kiwi
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 1:32 am
He must have been really special to inspire what you wrote. Yehi zichrono livracha.

Hugs x
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shanarishona




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 2:52 am
Just wow.
And hugs.
Thank you for expressing this pain for all the people who can’t but need to
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amother




Slategray
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 4:42 am
so beautiful, made me cry.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 10:10 am
amother [ Kiwi ] wrote:
He must have been really special to inspire what you wrote. Yehi zichrono livracha.

Hugs x

He was a very special man, I don’t think I know anyone quite like him, who had ALL the attributes he did.
He went for Semicha a few years ago, he was working to finish his college degree, he was a hospice chaplain, he was in hashgacha, he did kesubas and gets, he did geirus….but he was also very quiet and unassuming, and had an incredible world view.
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amother




NeonOrange
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 10:34 am
shanarishona wrote:
Just wow.
And hugs.
Thank you for expressing this pain for all the people who can’t but need to


This. You got me to cry.
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amother




Aster
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 10:39 am
You're so lucky you had a special father. treasure the memories
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 10:41 am
amother [ Aster ] wrote:
You're so lucky you had a special father. treasure the memories

Very very special, and we were super close, more than all my other siblings.
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 1:05 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
He was a very special man, I don’t think I know anyone quite like him, who had ALL the attributes he did.
He went for Semicha a few years ago, he was working to finish his college degree, he was a hospice chaplain, he was in hashgacha, he did kesubas and gets, he did geirus….but he was also very quiet and unassuming, and had an incredible world view.


Getting his degree in his sixties? That's great!
Please note, of all the incredible nekudos you mentioned, I don't showcase that as necessarily the greatest but it just shows so much about him.
What a void he's leaving. May you see the best of him continuing in you and his descendants. Hugs!
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torquoise




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 1:11 pm
Wow you are so lucky to have grown up with such a special father. I can't even imagine the pain of losing someone so incredible.
May you find a connection with him in new ways, and may the pain be replaced by happiness from the memories you have of him.
And may you get to see him real soon with the geula.
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 2:01 pm
amother [ Aster ] wrote:
You're so lucky you had a special father. treasure the memories

Yes! I'm jealous of ppl like you... not taking away from your pain over your loss, but some ppl dream of having such memories
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 8:05 pm
amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:
Yes! I'm jealous of ppl like you... not taking away from your pain over your loss, but some ppl dream of having such memories

BH I know I am super lucky.
Thank you everyone for all your support and brachos. Last night and today were very hard, but BH I made it through, and tonight was not as hard.
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