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S/O Chanukah spirit - gifts for kids

 
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imorethanamother




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 9:04 am
I wasn’t raised with Chanukah gifts, so I’m always surprised to see such an emphasis on it this time of year.

I remember that whenever I would get a huge gift in my childhood years - a new bike, a beautiful coat (there was no such thing as the expensive stuff kids get these days like Apple watches or whatever), a game - it could be like two weeks later and if I acted bratty my parents would say, “how could you be upset when you just got the most amazing gift?!”

I think gifts don’t make people happy. I know people are going to chime in with the love languages philosophy, but I truly don’t think it’s a value we should instill in our kids. For birthday parties I make, I write no gifts in the invitation. Why? After one disastrous party, where my child tore open gifts while the guests were still here and told the givers whose toy she preferred, I decided it was too obnoxious.

Of course we should show our children we love them, and we do give presents occasionally, but we like to tie them to Mitzvah charts.

I’m not saying I’m right. I’m just asking honestly - what was a time when you gave your children a gift and they behaved badly? Conversely , what was a time that you gave a gift and it was like the sun coming out after a rainstorm? Curious to hear.
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amother




Yolk
 

Post Wed, Dec 01 2021, 7:46 pm
I am totally with you!
But unfortunately, my children are not!
I actually did grow up getting Chanukah gifts, but I think it so cheapens the holiday into a Xmas-lookalike, which is the complete opposite of what Chanukah is all about. For years we have not given the kids Chanukah gifts, except maybe buying a new game for the entire family. Their very kind grandparents give them money and I feel like that is sufficient. But now my oldest is in middle school and he claims all his friends get Chanukah presents from their parents. I thought this was the usual bluff until I asked around and realized he might be right.
But ugh- I really hate this entitlement mentality! Is there no hope for this generation?
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Dec 01 2021, 9:17 pm
Gifts aren’t my love language. At all. They’re like at the bottom of the totem pole for me.
But what I’ve learned over the years is that for someone who’s love language it is, it really makes such a huge difference.
It really also depends on the kind of gift you’re giving and on your expectations in return. So two things.
1. Give a gift that the person/child will really appreciate, not something socially appropriate, showy, or that you’d have liked to get. Put yourself in the child’s shoes and take the time to think about what would be meaningful to them.
2. Don’t expect anything in return. This especially goes for children. Not a thank you, not a smile, nothing. You are giving these gifts for THEM.

If a toy is tied to a mitzvah chart it’s not a gift. It’s bribery/payment. A gift once in a while just because or for a special occasion can really mean a lot to a child. I wouldn’t cut it out altogether.
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singleagain




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Dec 02 2021, 3:44 am
Ok. So I am a big gift giver. One of my main love languages is giving gifts... Honestly, I'm not as good at receiving gifts as I am giving them.

I was talking to my best friend and she was saying how her hands have been really dry and she mentioned this one luxury soap she likes but can't afford at the moment. So I went on Amazon and bought a two pack her her. Bc I love her, I care about her, and bc of the world I haven't seen her in almost two years and I miss her.

I went to a friend's house for shabbat and we had to jump to pull the fan cord. And of course I pulled the wrong one. So we had to jump again. So I went on Amazon and got her a cord extenders with a light bulb and fan charm on the end... Bc it's not really the type of thing you think to buy for yourself unless you a)have trouble reaching and b)know it even exists.

But why shouldn't I make my friends like easier. Besides, I don't know their budget. But I know I can afford it.

My dad always said a gift is something someone wants but would not buy for themselves.

Now with kids it's obviously different and I don't have kids. But as a former kid, when my parents got me an extra it was really exciting. It was different when I got something bc I was supposed to or needed. But even with that you can get extra. For instance every year you need certain new school supplies. So let them get the extra nice pen or the folder with Lisa Frank even though it costs a little more than regular Staples ones.

To chanuka specific... I honestly don't remember ... But I think it's not the occasion as much as the attitude behind the gifts.
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mama123




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Dec 02 2021, 6:39 am
Oh, I definitely believe there is a place for gifts. We are big into birthdays here and I believe it’s a really nice way to make a child feel special and loved.
But specifically Chanukah…. I just don’t believe in the gifting.
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amother




Cadetblue
 

Post Fri, Dec 03 2021, 8:23 am
I'm a big believer in kids not feeling different than their friends. I'm not so good at gift giving. But I try to buy them something because their friends are getting.
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amother




Black
 

Post Fri, Dec 03 2021, 8:29 am
I don’t think one has to do with the other. You give Ur child a gift cuz you love them. The message comes across. You can’t expect them to automatically behave for the next X amount of time. It’s 2 different things. Making them happy doesn’t automatically mean good behaviour
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creditcards




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Dec 03 2021, 8:29 am
imorethanamother wrote:
I wasn’t raised with Chanukah gifts, so I’m always surprised to see such an emphasis on it this time of year.

I remember that whenever I would get a huge gift in my childhood years - a new bike, a beautiful coat (there was no such thing as the expensive stuff kids get these days like Apple watches or whatever), a game - it could be like two weeks later and if I acted bratty my parents would say, “how could you be upset when you just got the most amazing gift?!”

I think gifts don’t make people happy. I know people are going to chime in with the love languages philosophy, but I truly don’t think it’s a value we should instill in our kids. For birthday parties I make, I write no gifts in the invitation. Why? After one disastrous party, where my child tore open gifts while the guests were still here and told the givers whose toy she preferred, I decided it was too obnoxious.

Of course we should show our children we love them, and we do give presents occasionally, but we like to tie them to Mitzvah charts.

I’m not saying I’m right. I’m just asking honestly - what was a time when you gave your children a gift and they behaved badly? Conversely , what was a time that you gave a gift and it was like the sun coming out after a rainstorm? Curious to hear.


I believe a gift makes a person feel good but you still can't expect a child to act like an angel because you gave them a gift. They still have their challenges, yetzer horah. They can still have a hard time regulating their emotions. They don't act bratty intentionally.
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