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If I keep my word, DS will miss out on a big trip

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 12:53 pm
I told DS 12 that if he doesn't behave respectfully, he will miss out on a big trip.
Now that his behavior wasn't ideal, I am confused how to proceed. (yes it was a bad idea and also vague terms, but if I'm keeping my word to a T, he would miss out).
What now?
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OOTforlife




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 12:57 pm
Can you "take it away" and then give him an opportunity to earn the trip back in some way so that he can go?
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Rubies




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 12:58 pm
General rule - Experiences that can't be replicated shouldn't be used as consequence.

Switch it out for a different one and keep in mind for next time.
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tree of life




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 1:05 pm
Don't let him miss out the trip tell his behaviour was unacceptable but as this trip is a one of through the school you will get another one connected to the family
I did that for my daughter my daughter was suspended from school he and a few girls but that day was her best friend basmitzva party in school in complained and they switched it for the next day I told my daughter her behaviour was not right but I only have a basmitzva once in Life time
Your kid will remember fir life he missed out on his school outing but will remember if u change it to a different punishment which is fine
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amother




Midnight
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 1:11 pm
Tell him that he lost the trip but he can still earn it back.
Try to be a little more specific than “behave respectfully “.
I have a difficult son. He’s always shouting at everyone and making people feel bad. He hurts his siblings too. I told him he can’t hurt anyone with his hands or with words from his mouth. This worked better than saying he has to be nice to everyone. (He was trying to earn an expensive gift)

Btw- this child lost out on a chol hamoed trip. He stayed behind with dh and I took the others. At the end, dh gave him a great day and I was happy for him. I had to keep my word but I felt terrible.
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mushkamothers




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 1:12 pm
Now you say that you have changed your mind and decided not to withhold this trip. And in the future you won't promise consequences that have no connection. His behavior still wasn't okay and let's have a chat about how I can help you improve.

Believe it or not, kids don't misbehave for fun. There's always something going on + lack of connection with you.

Your job isn't to keep your word to a T here, it's to help your child succeed at life. The lesson he will learn here is NOT "Mommy keeps her word and therefore I will listen to her." And if you think that it is, you don't remember being 12.
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amother




Cantaloupe
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 1:12 pm
ugh I did the same thing last night with my 5 year old (not a school trip and not as big of a "deal" trip but still an outing that I know he will REALLY feel bad about missing) and I so so regret it.

I've decided that there will be a different consequence (one that makes more sense).

I need to remember in the future that I can NOT do this (I always said I wouldn't but it's so hard in the moment when you are so frustrated and don't know what else to say to get them to stop doing whatever it is).
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amother




NeonYellow
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 2:25 pm
Never ever take away huge one time things.
Tell him you changed your mind.
And be very careful with this type of thing. Too many severe punishments and your kid will start hating you and will also develop indifference to trips and experiences if he can’t have them anyway.
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SixOfWands




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 2:32 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I told DS 12 that if he doesn't behave respectfully, he will miss out on a big trip.
Now that his behavior wasn't ideal, I am confused how to proceed. (yes it was a bad idea and also vague terms, but if I'm keeping my word to a T, he would miss out).
What now?


I don't know what his behavior wasn't "ideal" means.

If applicable, tell him that you were not pleased by his behavior, but it didn't rise to the level of taking away the trip, so he can go, but there will be another consequence.

Better yet, tell him you were wrong. The trip should never have been a consequence, so he can go. But he's not off the hook, there's a different consequence.
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amother




NeonPurple
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 2:34 pm
Have him earn it back. But do something you know he can earn easily so it doesn’t backfire too.
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amother




Cyan
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 2:49 pm
For the future try to work through positive, tell ds, "when you speak pleasantly (I would avoid respectfully) I enjoy listening to you". He should see that when he speaks nicely there are positive results. I'll say to my child, I really find it hard to listen when you speak like that please can you repeat it. I also try to speak "respectfully" to them. There's really no need for an additional punishment other than him seeing that speaking not nicely doesn't work.

Tell him that you thought about it and that the punishment doesn't fit the crime and that his "punishment" can be something smaller like telling you different ways he can say things calmly and nicely.
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amother




NeonYellow
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 4:04 pm
Do NOT have him ‘earn’ it back.
My pride as a 12 yr old would have stopped me from trying to earn it back.
Do not enter a game with no winners.

What if he refuses to earn it back, due to ego and hurt feelings? You will be eaten up by guilt and he will be miserable.

Let him go on the trip, period, full stop. Be happy he is a normal, well adjusted kid who wants to go on trips. Don’t push him into a corner where this changes.
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 4:08 pm
"I was really torn about the trip, because of X, Y, and Z. But then, I remembered how respectfully you behaved when A, B, and C. So I'm letting you go, and let's see if you can continue to live up to your best."
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ra_mom




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 4:17 pm
mushkamothers wrote:
Now you say that you have changed your mind and decided not to withhold this trip. And in the future you won't promise consequences that have no connection. His behavior still wasn't okay and let's have a chat about how I can help you improve.

Believe it or not, kids don't misbehave for fun. There's always something going on + lack of connection with you.

Your job isn't to keep your word to a T here, it's to help your child succeed at life. The lesson he will learn here is NOT "Mommy keeps her word and therefore I will listen to her." And if you think that it is, you don't remember being 12.

This
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Rubies




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 4:54 pm
amother [ Midnight ] wrote:
Tell him that he lost the trip but he can still earn it back.
Try to be a little more specific than “behave respectfully “.
I have a difficult son. He’s always shouting at everyone and making people feel bad. He hurts his siblings too. I told him he can’t hurt anyone with his hands or with words from his mouth. This worked better than saying he has to be nice to everyone. (He was trying to earn an expensive gift)

Btw- this child lost out on a chol hamoed trip. He stayed behind with dh and I took the others. At the end, dh gave him a great day and I was happy for him. I had to keep my word but I felt terrible.


Want to make you aware that specifically with difficult children these types of consequences backfire in the long run. I know it sometimes feels like the only thing that will make them cooperate but all it does is increase negative feelings.

The negative result outweighs the positive of boundary awareness and cause and effect.

The positive result of family outings and general positive experiences is far greater and worth so much more than any lesson in boundaries.

It's hard but worth it to keep in mind.
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amother




NeonYellow
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 4:56 pm
Rubies wrote:
Want to make you aware that specifically with difficult children these types of consequences backfire in the long run. I know it sometimes feels like the only thing that will make them cooperate but all it does is increase negative feelings.

The negative result outweighs the positive of boundary awareness and cause and effect.

The positive result of family outings and general positive experiences is far greater and worth so much more than any lesson in boundaries.

It's hard but worth it to keep in mind.


This is exactly what I was trying to say.
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bigsis144




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 5:06 pm
amother [ NeonYellow ] wrote:
Do NOT have him ‘earn’ it back.
My pride as a 12 yr old would have stopped me from trying to earn it back.
Do not enter a game with no winners.

What if he refuses to earn it back, due to ego and hurt feelings? You will be eaten up by guilt and he will be miserable.

Let him go on the trip, period, full stop. Be happy he is a normal, well adjusted kid who wants to go on trips. Don’t push him into a corner where this changes.


This.

A 12 year old can and might absolutely turn this into a “I didn’t want that anyway” situation. And when they “don’t want” a trip or dessert or computer time or a bedtime story anymore - are you left as a parent thinking “what is left for me to take away” when their behavior doesn’t meet your expectations? And what kind of parenting is that?

Don’t get into power struggles, it will quickly escalate out of control and damage your relationship. You don’t need to “prove” to your child that you are the parent. (Saying this to myself as much as anyone who reads this, because it is so hard!!!)

This has happened in my house verbatim: DS said something disrespectful while om the computer and as I moved to sign him out as a “consequence”, he quickly signed out first and grinned at me. “I win. You can’t take that away from me now.”

As the parent, I’m the one who has to break out of that cycle. It’s so so so hard.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Nov 29 2021, 5:24 pm
Thank you everyone!
I happened to 'catch' a moment where he controlled himself, and I told him that he earned it back with this effort.

I will take note of all your suggestions going forward.
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Sesame




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 4:13 am
Sounds like a good solution op!!! Well done
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 11:06 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you everyone!
I happened to 'catch' a moment where he controlled himself, and I told him that he earned it back with this effort.

I will take note of all your suggestions going forward.


Hooray
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