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Chizuk needed: Pls. remind me why we have kids
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:25 am
Asking sincerely. Just had a very hard day.
My kids (several kah) are very very little. While I probably, on some level at least, always love them, I'm so scared and sad because sometimes I am too angry or frustrated with them to feel loving.
Another point that makes me sad is that I love my 6 month old to pieces, but I don't feel that way about his 3 year old sister (the oldest). I used to think she is the cutest thing in the world, but lately she just pushes my buttons so much, that I end up feeling annoyed with her way too often. Is that how it is: you love the kids when they're babies, and then as they grow and become less cute it just fades? So sad! And she is only 3!! How will I feel when she's 8 and 13 and 23 iyh?!
I really don't like the kind of parent I have become. So often upset and stressed and angry. And I am the type who loved kids, the favorite aunt (and I had plenty of real experience, not just a few minutes of fun times). Then I feel so guilty. They are so young, and I am probably their whole world. I hope I am not chv destroying them...
I need some perspective: why do we have children, what we gain from it (or is it supposed to be only altruistic?). Chizuk would be appreciated too.

PS Please please please do not bring into the discussion how close the kids are in age and your personal feelings or hashkafos about that. In fact, I would appreciate most hearing from people who've been in similar stage and can relate.

PPS I'm really not always like this. We often have fun, sing and laugh and act silly. Many days, I tell them all day how much I love them. But I feel like this often enough to ask for help.
Sorry for long rant. This has been weighing on me for a while. Thanks for letting me get it out.
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amother




Pear
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:28 am
I’ll be following! All of this rings so true to me too!!
Maybe this is wrong of me but I sometimes imagine life without them chv or if chv something would happen to them, how sad I’d be and then it kind of puts me in perspective. Could be it’s wrong of me. I don’t know.

Also know that some days can be so hardZ it’s not that you don’t love them at the at point. It’s just that it’s too much for you etc. it’s the situation that is hard for you, not the kids themselves or how more or less you love them.
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amother




Red
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:29 am
This isn't addressing everything you wrote, but just wanted to chime in. My now teenage DS gave me a run for my money in his younger years (and sometimes still does). But by now there are more days than not when I look at him and listen to him and feel such a swell in my heart for what a mentsch he's becoming.
Yes, it's hard!!! (And he's my oldest, so I still have a few more to get through Very Happy) but that loving feeling will find it's way into your heart here and there. Just keep chugging along
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amother




NeonYellow
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:30 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Asking sincerely. Just had a very hard day.
My kids (several kah) are very very little. While I probably, on some level at least, always love them, I'm so scared and sad because sometimes I am too angry or frustrated with them to feel loving.
Another point that makes me sad is that I love my 6 month old to pieces, but I don't feel that way about his 3 year old sister (the oldest). I used to think she is the cutest thing in the world, but lately she just pushes my buttons so much, that I end up feeling annoyed with her way too often. Is that how it is: you love the kids when they're babies, and then as they grow and become less cute it just fades? So sad! And she is only 3!! How will I feel when she's 8 and 13 and 23 iyh?!
I really don't like the kind of parent I have become. So often upset and stressed and angry. And I am the type who loved kids, the favorite aunt (and I had plenty of real experience, not just a few minutes of fun times). Then I feel so guilty. They are so young, and I am probably their whole world. I hope I am not chv destroying them...
I need some perspective: why do we have children, what we gain from it (or is it supposed to be only altruistic?). Chizuk would be appreciated too.

PS Please please please do not bring into the discussion how close the kids are in age and your personal feelings or hashkafos about that. In fact, I would appreciate most hearing from people who've been in similar stage and can relate.

PPS I'm really not always like this. We often have fun, sing and laugh and act silly. Many days, I tell them all day how much I love them. But I feel like this often enough to ask for help.
Sorry for long rant. This has been weighing on me for a while. Thanks for letting me get it out.


Your thread title is offensive. It’s spitting in the face of Hashem who gave you huge gifts in your children. Please change it.
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mushkamothers




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:32 am
You have a 6 month old, that's still a little baby. The 3 year old is probably jealous and acting up, maybe hurting the baby. It's a lot and it's hard. It's ok to have a hard day. You're in a hard season and it will soon pass. Every day they both get bigger and things become easier for you.
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amother




Red
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:33 am
Quote:
Your thread title is offensive. It’s spitting in the face of Hashem who gave you huge gifts in your children. Please change it.

Seriously this site makes me sick sometimes. A mother just opened up with raw emotion and this is all you could answer her?
Why oh why do people on literally every single thread have to pull apart vulnerable posters

Op, I didn't find your title offensive, I found it a cry for empathy
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:33 am
You have several kids under three! Ignoring that is like the guy who walks around with a screw in his head complaining of a headache and just wanting empathy.
It’s hard to feel warm and loving when you’re so overwhelmed. As anyone would be.
For the sake of your existing kids please take a break so you can be the mother they deserve.
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amother




Chicory
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:43 am
Op, I understand you. You’re at the hardest stage with a few helpless little ones and zero help.
I just want you to know that it actually does get easier. They grow into mature menchies be”h by the time they’re a few years older, who are often great company and can even lend a hand instead of needing help round the clock. Some people, myself included, don’t enjoy the toddler age at all! It really doesn’t last forever. Hang in there!
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amother




Pansy
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:43 am
Our kids are our biggest teachers. They challenge us to the moon and back and make us aware of our short comings. Their misbehaviors are like little messages of where we can use improvement. This is how we refine ourselves as we age, every child and every stage teaches us something new about ourselves. It's exhausting as they push our buttons but if we can embrace it and realize that Hashem gave us these particular children for a reason, we'll understand better.

But mainly it's because these neshamos needed us particularly to raise them in order to fulfill their missions in this world, so Hashem entrusted them to us.

Keep strong. And try to get in some extra sleep wherever you can.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:47 am
amother [ Pear ] wrote:
I’ll be following! All of this rings so true to me too!!
Maybe this is wrong of me but I sometimes imagine life without them chv or if chv something would happen to them, how sad I’d be and then it kind of puts me in perspective. Could be it’s wrong of me. I don’t know.

Also know that some days can be so hard it’s not that you don’t love them at the at point. It’s just that it’s too much for you etc. it’s the situation that is hard for you, not the kids themselves or how more or less you love them.

I'm literally crying. I could have written your first paragraph. And then I feel even worse because A, feel guilty because I have the most gorgeous brachos! And B, I'm always afraid to even think that way. Like, "Hashem, You know I don't chv mean anything! Please ignore me!"
This is so validating! Tell me it's not just you and I that feel this way sometimes.
Of course, my friends (who are mostly a few years ahead of me in stage) commiserate, but I always feel they don't really get how hard it is, in which case, what's wrong with me? And I'm embarrassed to elaborate and be totally honest without downplaying, because it sometimes is really not ok.

A couple of weeks ago, I seriously lost it. I was yelling and crying, etc. I had the thought then that if someone would walk in (even someone who knows me well) would be horrified and think I'm totally dysfunctional and the kids are not safe. Crying
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amother




Chicory
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:47 am
As to your question why we have children, the first mitzva in the Torah, I believe it’s to keep Judaism alive. To have who should continue keeping the Torah and mitzvos until Moshiachs arrival. Can you imagine if all our grandparents would’ve decided it’s too hard to have kids?
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amother




Ivory
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:49 am
Long term BC saved my sanity.
After 3-4 years of not having a little baby, and all my kids on school all day, I got my sanity back.
(Social pressure is still a thing for me, but im learning not to give a hoot)
I still have hard days because I run a full house bh, but I’ve definitely learned to chill and appreciate what I have.
I’m even considering thinking about having another one soon😏😏
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amother




Chicory
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:49 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I'm literally crying. I could have written your first paragraph. And then I feel even worse because A, feel guilty because I have the most gorgeous brachos! And B, I'm always afraid to even think that way. Like, "Hashem, You know I don't chv mean anything! Please ignore me!"
This is so validating! Tell me it's not just you and I that feel this way sometimes.
Of course, my friends (who are mostly a few years ahead of me in stage) commiserate, but I always feel they don't really get how hard it is, in which case, what's wrong with me? And I'm embarrassed to elaborate and be totally honest without downplaying, because it sometimes is really not ok.

A couple of weeks ago, I seriously lost it. I was yelling and crying, etc. I had the thought then that if someone would walk in (even someone who knows me well) would be horrified and think I'm totally dysfunctional and the kids are not safe. Crying

Sure, I often fantasize of how great life would be if I’d never get married or have kids. But then I remember I won’t live forever and I’m not exactly here only for my own enjoyment.
OP, you do seem more overwhelmed than many (not all) moms. What are you doing to help yourself for the next while?
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amother




Iris
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:50 am
Zehava wrote:
You have several kids under three! Ignoring that is like the guy who walks around with a screw in his head complaining of a headache and just wanting empathy.
It’s hard to feel warm and loving when you’re so overwhelmed. As anyone would be.
For the sake of your existing kids please take a break so you can be the mother they deserve.


Spot on. The fact that you have three babies under three is making you overwhelmed. And if it’s making you resent your kids it’s time to take a break for all of your best interests.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:50 am
amother [ NeonYellow ] wrote:
Your thread title is offensive. It’s spitting in the face of Hashem who gave you huge gifts in your children. Please change it.

I agree. I just mean it very literally. I AM so grateful!! But I am literally asking for reminder, and I good perspective to keep in mind.
some answers might be: They fill your life with love. You have endless opportunity to give.

But I hear your point. I'll add some words.
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amother




Iris
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:51 am
Also is it possible you have PPD?
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amother




Chicory
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:53 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I agree. I just mean it very literally. I AM so grateful!! But I am literally asking for reminder, and I good perspective to keep in mind.
some answers might be: They fill your life with love. You have endless opportunity to give.

But I hear your point. I'll add some words.

Your thread title is not offensive to me and my kids didn’t come easily... it’s a valid question.
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amother




Pansy
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:55 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I agree. I just mean it very literally. I AM so grateful!! But I am literally asking for reminder, and I good perspective to keep in mind.
some answers might be: They fill your life with love. You have endless opportunity to give.

But I hear your point. I'll add some words.

Don't beat yourself up about it. It's ok to feel whatever you feel as long as you realize they're just feelings. They come and they go but while they're here, if we pay attention to them we can understand our needs better. Don't be afraid of your feelings, often it just means you need a hug.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:55 am
amother [ NeonYellow ] wrote:
Your thread title is offensive. It’s spitting in the face of Hashem who gave you huge gifts in your children. Please change it.

I changed it. But you gave me a lot to think about. That's what I meant about reminder of perspective. You are 100% right. Hashem gave me tremendous brachos, which I davened tons for. Which is compounding my guilt, because I sound ungrateful, which I really am not. I just need from Him help with staying patient and calm, and physical and emotional energy to do the best I can to take care of His gifts.

Thanks again! That was already a big help!
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:57 am
amother [ Red ] wrote:
Quote:
Your thread title is offensive. It’s spitting in the face of Hashem who gave you huge gifts in your children. Please change it.

Seriously this site makes me sick sometimes. A mother just opened up with raw emotion and this is all you could answer her?
Why oh why do people on literally every single thread have to pull apart vulnerable posters

Op, I didn't find your title offensive, I found it a cry for empathy

EXACTLY!! Maybe that would make a better, less offensive title. Wink Thanks for sticking up for me. Although I did take Red's words to heart (see previous post).
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