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Chizuk needed: Pls. remind me why we have kids
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momallhours




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Dec 01 2021, 10:02 pm
Dear OP,

I cried through your post and through the many thoughtful and caring responses, because this is me now - can we be friends have a support group??
I have 3 kids my oldest is 4 and youngest is 1. My 4 year old is delicious but verrrrrrrry challenging child who then turns my entire house upside down and yes somedays I scream and don't recognize myself and then cry because I feel so horrible like this is the mother I am?????? Some days (better) I say Hashem please help me! ( Funny I overheard my 2 yr old playing w her doll saying Hashem c'you help me:) some days (cue emotional awareness points) I say Mommy has to go to her room to calm down I'm getting too upset somedays (ha most days) I count down until bedtime then Mommy guilt kicks in is that it just aiming to have them in bed? The hardest part is that noone besides dh understands me and the craziness that oldest can do to the house.
I am on bc now.. and I am trying to learn how to self-care a bit, I always felt guilty if I wasn't 'geshik
So did I help you no not really, I'm just saying I'm here with you in this and taking each day hour! at a time!
HUGS Hug Hug
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thegiver




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Dec 01 2021, 11:10 pm
All normal feelings! I didn't like my DD at 4 and fhen she matured and we are very loving the following year. It's ok to not always love being a mother. Sometimes when Im pregnant or overtired I'm rly not the best mom! But I compensate other times!

We are raising servants of Hashem!!! It isn't easy but nothing worthwhile is easy!

Daaven to Hashem for patience and read material so u can understand ur 3yo.
.books like how toddlers thrive. Tova Klein
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amother




Wheat
 

Post Wed, Dec 01 2021, 11:19 pm
I recommend “how to talk so little kids will listen”

And also

Becky Kennedy
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Dec 02 2021, 2:30 am
Just to offer some chizuk of my own to all you imas who were able to relate so well: I'm realizing how important it is to take each day/hour at a time. Today was another mostly calm day, so it was so much easier for me to see how absolutely delicious they are kah! And that positive energy in turn usually makes them behave better, so I feel even more loving, etc, in a wonderful cycle.

(of course, the problem is that the same exact thing happens in the negative, too...)

Just wanted to share a cheerful update!
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amother




Pink
 

Post Thu, Dec 02 2021, 7:10 am
Hey super mom! You are doing an amazing job and I know it!
Just wanted to repeat sleep is very important! If you feel down or not managing, make sure to get to bed early. It will make a difference! Know that everyone has different type of kids with different natures. There was a point when each day I was wondering how I will do this. My kids aren't that close in age. I have to say my very very difficult kid at 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 year old is turning 6 and I am already seeing so much nachas from him. Yes, he has his moments but many times food or drink help calm him, with the addition of structure, music and story CDs. MUSIC HELPS TONS!! yes davening to Hashem for koach and to help you. You need to take one day at a time, get enough sleep, eat well, go out alone or with a friend for a walk, make some time to shmooze on the phone, and know that no one really understands what you are going through! Your children are your own and each kid is different! No one really can understand what it is about your life that is making you fall apart. Try to play with your kids a bit or read a book here or there, or buy some playdough to keep your 3 year old busy. Maybe ask a neighbor to come to shmooze with etc or high schooler to come for an hour to give you a bit of a break even for money. My 8th grade daughter could be super helpful and I definitely would send her over.
Sorry my thoughts are disorganized. Thats how my brain works. Hope there was something helpful. Yes, therapy would be helpful so you will be a wonderful mother and don't resort to negativity which you may have been raised. Therapy isn't urgent for now. But taking care of yourself and emotional well being is.
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amother




Butterscotch
 

Post Thu, Dec 02 2021, 11:21 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So I finally got a chance to check back. Thanks tons to everyone for your chizuk and good advice!
I was in a much better frame of mind today (not even sure why, exactly. Maybe hormones are at play), so everything was automatically much easier and kids were so much cuter! Wink

Just BTW, DH helps a lot, I have some (enough for me) cleaning help, and I do end up with me-time every day. So that also makes me wonder why I feel so overwhelmed sometimes- I am already doing the typical suggestions.
Also, it's entirely normal for many in our community to have kids very close in age, and to not even slow down like, ever. Not to say that I can do that, and we are in touch with rav about BC and doing it as per our hashkafa etc, but just wondering how those couples do it? I know there is no such thing as superwoman and they are all normal people. Do they have more physical stamina? better emotional health? Or are they all wrung-out shmattes? (I know some such women personally, and the last option is almost never true.)
If you're in a similar boat please let me in on your secrets!
(And if your community looks at this as completely irresponsible etc, please don't use this thread to share your views...)


I recently had my 3rd when my oldest was 25 months. So I guess I fit your criteria to weign in.

Overall, I would say Im very relaxed and have lots of self care. How? Not sure what to say exactly.

Or are they all wrung-out shmattes? Definitely not me. Not at all

Do they have more physical stamina? Nope. I'm energetic. Not super energetic

supermom? Not me. I cut TONS of corners.

Better emotional health? My emotional health is great overall. It wasn't always like that. I have suffered anxiety and depression earlier in my life before I was married.

I worked on myself a lot to be relaxed. For years. Many years. Before I was married. Perhaps, that's the trick. I got married older and dreamed of having a large family my whole life. I worked on myself before my kids were born and also had plenty of time to myself then. Now there is nothing I want more than to have kids and take care of them.

Of course, there are moments of overwhelm and stress. When they all scream at once. when my 2-year-old tantrums ( again). Of course, there are hard weeks. When they get sick ( again) when I was pregnant AND had a baby who was up every hour etc.

Again, of course, there are times that I feel overwhelmed, guilty that I feel overwhelmed, etc. OVERALL, my emotional health is great. I feel so fulfilled and truely blessed. I couldn't be happier with my life.

And a secret. My standards are rather low. A messy house is a happy house. Kids refused baths, not going to get bent out of shape etc. Pizza/ take out for supper is fine.

The main thing I focus on is being relaxed and taking as many shortcuts as I can to leave time and energy for myself. If I have some quiet time when kids are out/ sleeping, I ignore the mess and relax a bit first.

My housekeeping wont win any awards. My kids have a relaxed mom ( most of the time) and my husband doesn't have a shmatta of a wife. Im relaxed. Most of the time.

Anything else you want to know?
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amother




Iris
 

Post Thu, Dec 02 2021, 1:02 pm
Just remember to have some empathy for your oldest. They’re really little too even if they are the oldest.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 12:13 am
amother [ Butterscotch ] wrote:
I recently had my 3rd when my oldest was 25 months. So I guess I fit your criteria to weign in.

Overall, I would say Im very relaxed and have lots of self care. How? Not sure what to say exactly.

Or are they all wrung-out shmattes? Definitely not me. Not at all

Do they have more physical stamina? Nope. I'm energetic. Not super energetic

supermom? Not me. I cut TONS of corners.

Better emotional health? My emotional health is great overall. It wasn't always like that. I have suffered anxiety and depression earlier in my life before I was married.

I worked on myself a lot to be relaxed. For years. Many years. Before I was married. Perhaps, that's the trick. I got married older and dreamed of having a large family my whole life. I worked on myself before my kids were born and also had plenty of time to myself then. Now there is nothing I want more than to have kids and take care of them.

Of course, there are moments of overwhelm and stress. When they all scream at once. when my 2-year-old tantrums ( again). Of course, there are hard weeks. When they get sick ( again) when I was pregnant AND had a baby who was up every hour etc.

Again, of course, there are times that I feel overwhelmed, guilty that I feel overwhelmed, etc. OVERALL, my emotional health is great. I feel so fulfilled and truely blessed. I couldn't be happier with my life.

And a secret. My standards are rather low. A messy house is a happy house. Kids refused baths, not going to get bent out of shape etc. Pizza/ take out for supper is fine.

The main thing I focus on is being relaxed and taking as many shortcuts as I can to leave time and energy for myself. If I have some quiet time when kids are out/ sleeping, I ignore the mess and relax a bit first.

My housekeeping wont win any awards. My kids have a relaxed mom ( most of the time) and my husband doesn't have a shmatta of a wife. Im relaxed. Most of the time.

Anything else you want to know?

Firstly, mazel tov! I'm still trying to wrap my mind around having 3 kids and oldest is just 2... You sound absolutely amazing! As I mentioned earlier, I also got married older, and also dreamed of having a large family.(and I still do!) But then I have these intense days- even when everyone is behaving, it is quite intense and stressful and challenging to take care of such tiny people.
I don't have standards either. I consider scrambled eggs with bread to be an amazing supper for such young kids. Most days, my kitchen floor gets swept, and I always put away any food. That's usually all.
I think it boils down to an attitude shift. If I can stay calm and not get stressed out, I actually love living the moment with them. They are adorable, and I know that one day I will be nostalgic for these sweet times.
Thing is, I thought I already had plenty of opportunity to work on my stress management throughout my single years, plus my parents' home had plenty of challenges. But when it comes down to it, I'm finding this blessed, happy nisayon to be one of my hardest yet, in its own way.
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pajamamama




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 10:21 pm
I recently read a wonderful article on aish.com , encouraging and advocating having kids. (Assuming it’s for the readership that was not raised in frum family-centered society). One point really stuck with me, and I relate to it a lot as a parent. The point was: It is impossible not to become a better person once you become a parent. I think about how my children cause me to grow as a person and realize that this must be what Hashem had in mind. People need to become parents in order to become their best selves. That being said, it is still hard. But you got this, just keep putting one foot in front of the other…
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 1:57 am
pajamamama wrote:
I recently read a wonderful article on aish.com , encouraging and advocating having kids. (Assuming it’s for the readership that was not raised in frum family-centered society). One point really stuck with me, and I relate to it a lot as a parent. The point was: It is impossible not to become a better person once you become a parent. I think about how my children cause me to grow as a person and realize that this must be what Hashem had in mind. People need to become parents in order to become their best selves. That being said, it is still hard. But you got this, just keep putting one foot in front of the other…

Yes!! I can so relate. It's like middos boot camp!
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Roots




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 4:14 am
wow what a real post. a real person (op), going thru real life, having a real question. and so many nice replies!
first:
you should know you are not alone. all us young mothers go through this stage.
you sound just like me and I couldve written your post lol
but what I do have to say is WAIT!!!!
this too shall pass.
I had 3 kids under the age of 3.5 at one point
and I kept saying I DONT WANT ANY MORE KIDS
I hated the mother I was turning to be
yelling, angry, overwhelmed, a big mess
and then we took a break and what do you know: the kids grew up
I didnt have to constantly bend down to- pick up toys, close shoes, put socks, change dieapers, wipe tushes.. slowly slowly they were potty trained and went to gan and 3 yrs later I got pregnant and I was SO EXCITEDD!!! baby #4 was born when #3 was almost 4
you have no idea how much of a relaxed mom I was by this baby
and baby #5 was born 2 yrs later, and again I was SUPER EXCITEDand not dreading it. I was so much more easygoing- I mean yes I do have my days lol im not perfect at all- but the older ones make such a difference!
so really its a matter of time
therapy shmerapy- you are FINE and NORMAL and OVEWHELEMED and you ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL THAT- you just need some validation from friends, neighbors, sisters whove gone thru that
you also mentioned your husband gets you which is AMAZING dont underestimate that!

now I know not everyone can wait so long between children- I married young so not as much pressure - but there are tips you can take from many moms who are matzliach
like to get a junior high/ or HS girl to come to you between 5-7 pm lets say twice a week, to just be an extra hand for showers, dinner, bedtime, cleanup
I would recommed juinor high just becasue they dont mind running after the kiddos and love to hold babies and charge less $
-also, if you can go out to a concert or a fun night once a month or so- even if you come home late- its give kochos to go out and dress up and put on makeup and talk TO ADULTS

may you have lots of hatzlacha
remember alot of us feel exactly like you do and its so normal to feel that. and this stage does pass(wait till her first grade morah has you bursting with nachas about what a special daughter you have- and dont worry that day will come faster than you think)
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