Chizuk needed: Pls. remind me why we have kids

amother

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:00 am

amother [ Chicory ] wrote:

Op, I understand you. You’re at the hardest stage with a few helpless little ones and zero help.
I just want you to know that it actually does get easier. They grow into mature menchies be”h by the time they’re a few years older, who are often great company and can even lend a hand instead of needing help round the clock. Some people, myself included, don’t enjoy the toddler age at all! It really doesn’t last forever. Hang in there!

I once read about the fact that different people love different stages. But that made me wonder, because I love the baby stage, so does it just go downhill from there? Or is there hope that I will beH love later stages too?

amother

Ivory

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:00 am

amother [ NeonYellow ] wrote:

Your thread title is offensive. It’s spitting in the face of Hashem who gave you huge gifts in your children. Please change it.

Because some people struggle with infertility , doesn’t make other challenges less.
Being a mother is very difficult. Some people have an extremely hard time with it due to their personality. Be grateful you don’t understand that part. Especially if they have a few little ones in a short time before realizing how difficult it is.

amother

Chicory

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:03 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

No I have a soft spot for babies too! Toddler stage is super duper demanding. They are called terrible 2 for a reason. I enjoy them from 7-8 years old and on. While of course they come with their set of challenges as well! I’d still take a moody 15 year old over a kranky 2 year old in a second.
But it still doesn’t change the fact that you are extremely overwhelmed now and you need a plan how to help yourself make your life more manageable!

amother

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:04 am

amother [ Pansy ] wrote:

Our kids are our biggest teachers. They challenge us to the moon and back and make us aware of our short comings. Their misbehaviors are like little messages of where we can use improvement. This is how we refine ourselves as we age, every child and every stage teaches us something new about ourselves. It's exhausting as they push our buttons but if we can embrace it and realize that Hashem gave us these particular children for a reason, we'll understand better.

But mainly it's because these neshamos needed us particularly to raise them in order to fulfill their missions in this world, so Hashem entrusted them to us.

Keep strong. And try to get in some extra sleep wherever you can.

Thank you! I carefully read and reread your post, and I plan to print it out so I can have it handy. This is exactly the kind of perspective I was looking for. I really appreciate it.

I so relate to the avodas hamidos aspect. I think that's one of the hardest parts. I feel like I'm being pushed not just to a place where I need to stretch, but to some place beyond that, to things I am not (yet) capable of, and I always end up losing it! Any specific chizuk for this?

amother

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:07 am

amother [ Ivory ] wrote:

Long term BC saved my sanity.
After 3-4 years of not having a little baby, and all my kids on school all day, I got my sanity back.
(Social pressure is still a thing for me, but im learning not to give a hoot)
I still have hard days because I run a full house bh, but I’ve definitely learned to chill and appreciate what I have.
I’m even considering thinking about having another one soon😏😏

But I so love having babies. Am I crazy? I guess a break and then more hopefully can be a happy medium.

amother

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:16 am

amother [ Chicory ] wrote:

That's encouraging! Something to look forward to iyh Smile

.

Also very validating. Thank you.

amother

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:19 am

amother [ Chicory ] wrote:

I think a break is good enough.
You seem very healthy and self aware. You just have too much on your plate and need to come up for air!

Thank you! So I really still am a normal person, in essence, ya think? Confused

I do like the therapy idea, even for just a few sessions. I don't like the kind of person I have become in the privacy of my home. I used to be chilled and easygoing and nice. Now I am too often stressed and tense and annoyed and actually angry. I really want the atmosphere to be calm and gentle, and not on edge.

amother

Chicory

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:21 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you! So I really still am a normal person, in essence, ya think? Confused

Yes, a normal person who’s overwhelmed.
Like a preschool teacher who needs an assistant but the assistant is nonexistent! Wink

If you feel therapy can help, go ahead. I’d rather spend on more cleaning and domestic help. Maybe a few hours of babysitting a day so you can get a breather.

amother

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:28 am

amother [ Chicory ] wrote:

Yes, a normal person who’s overwhelmed.
Like a preschool teacher who needs an assistant but the assistant is nonexistent! Wink

If you feel therapy can help, go ahead. I’d rather spend on more cleaning and domestic help. Maybe a few hours of babysitting a day so you can get a breather.

Can I hug you for real? That is so accurate and validating!!
Side point, I also find raising such little people to be very lonely. My DH is great in every way BH, but he does eventually have to leave to do his own thing. I can't make calls when kids are around because it's usually hectic, and at night I am too tired and just want my quiet space instead of shmoozing.

Re babysitting, I work PT so I do get a breather. (Cue more mommy guilt. I look forward to work, so I can interact with older humans, my littles have fun with loving morahs and people their own size, and I'm happier to see them when they return. Win-win.)

amother

Pansy

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:30 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I happen to enjoy, ok love, the toddler stage. Watching them discover the world around them in such innocence is the most amazing thing to me. But it gets harder and trickier and I totally get overwhelm.
How about a parenting book like "How to Talk..." which teaches specific skills in managing your reactions and your kids' reactions? When you have skills, you don't need to use up your patience because it all goes much smoother.
3 years old is the perfect age for this, I found. When she is acting up, take a minute and step back and try to "read" her behavior.
Behaviors are like communication, they tell us about how a person is feeling and as mothers we need to fill in the rest of the blanks, and the whys.
First we check the list of physical needs: is she hungry, tired, thirsty, need the bathroom, have too much sugar, etc. Fill whichever physical needs are lacking.
Then emotional: does she need attention, or is she jealous, excited, upset,... and why. Perhaps her morah noticed something in school and can fill you in.
3 year olds many times want and need to be treated like a baby. They need to be held and hugged and cuddled with and played with. Being the oldest at 3 years old can be rough and this can help her adjustments and validate her struggles.
Good luck. You can do this. That's why Hashem has given these little neshamos to you, because He knows you can. But it's a learning experience and you will learn the most wonderful things, with time and practice.

mushkamothers

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:40 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

There are great resources. Books or if you're on Instagram then accounts with bite sized pieces of advice. Podcasts. There's help out there.

amother

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:45 am

amother [ Pansy ] wrote:

Thank you for all that info! Another post to print out and reread often. I really appreciate it.
And your chizuk in the last lines brought me to tears. TY

amother

Molasses

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:47 am

I think all parents are there sometimes. Kids are challenging. They pull kochos out of us that we didn't know existed. And that process can be mentally and emotionally exhausting.

At moments like yours, where we find ourselves wondering why we are doing this, I think it's a sign to take a break.

Not a break from having kids necessarily, a short break to regroup. Ask DH to watch them for a few hours or get a babysitter, and go out. By yourself. To a quiet place where you can recenter yourself.

Because you know that moment of labor, where you're all "I can't do this!" And then someone wise will point out to you, "Of course you can. Because you ARE doing this."

And OP, you are. We all are.

There are moments where our 3-year-old seems more obnoxious than cute. That was me last night. She is delicious and delightful and inquisitive and creative, but she also throws epic tantrums that sometimes I don't have the emotional strength for.

When I find myself in that space, I know I'm not taking care of myself well enough. I need a time out, because although Hashem gives us strength to raise these kids, He doesn't mean that we don't need to do our part to give ourselves strength. For me that means to make sure I eat proper meals, get enough sleep (I co-sleep with the baby), daven a short davening (it takes me under 5 minutes), and have some time without the responsibility of the kids.

Then I can go back into the work of growing to be the best mother possible for these precious neshamos.

And guess what? Just because the toddler didn't feel so cute today doesn't mean that when things settle, and I go to kiss her sleeping forehead, I don't feel a strong rush of affection. Tomorrow morning she will go back to being her adorable self. And I will remind myself that she is learning and growing, and so am I.

(Incidentally, my teens are also cute, but don't tell them that. Despite me having plenty of days where they seemed anything but over the years.)

It's a process. It's not immediate, and messing up is not a sign that we are necessarily doing anything wrong.

(Tangentially, I don't think that these are the moments to decide whether or not we want to go on birth control. Moments of overwhelm are inevitable, with big or small breaks, small or large families. If those moments are coming frequently, then we still need to sit down like a mentch to assess the situation. Birth control is a serious decision and one we will probably find ourselves second-guessing repeatedly when the spotting / mood swings / baby fever comes up. We owe ourselves a solid answer so we can feel confident in our decisions.)