Chizuk needed: Pls. remind me why we have kids

amother

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:54 am

amother [ Molasses ] wrote:

I think all parents are there sometimes. Kids are challenging. They pull kochos out of us that we didn't know existed. And that process can be mentally and emotionally exhausting.

At moments like yours, where we find ourselves wondering why we are doing this, I think it's a sign to take a break.

Not a break from having kids necessarily, a short break to regroup. Ask DH to watch them for a few hours or get a babysitter, and go out. By yourself. To a quiet place where you can recenter yourself.

Because you know that moment of labor, where you're all "I can't do this!" And then someone wise will point out to you, "Of course you can. Because you ARE doing this."

And OP, you are. We all are.

There are moments where our 3-year-old seems more obnoxious than cute. That was me last night. She is delicious and delightful and inquisitive and creative, but she also throws epic tantrums that sometimes I don't have the emotional strength for.

When I find myself in that space, I know I'm not taking care of myself well enough. I need a time out, because although Hashem gives us strength to raise these kids, He doesn't mean that we don't need to do our part to give ourselves strength. For me that means to make sure I eat proper meals, get enough sleep (I co-sleep with the baby), daven a short davening (it takes me under 5 minutes), and have some time without the responsibility of the kids.

Then I can go back into the work of growing to be the best mother possible for these precious neshamos.

And guess what? Just because the toddler didn't feel so cute today doesn't mean that when things settle, and I go to kiss her sleeping forehead, I don't feel a strong rush of affection. Tomorrow morning she will go back to being her adorable self. And I will remind myself that she is learning and growing, and so am I.

(Incidentally, my teens are also cute, but don't tell them that. Despite me having plenty of days where they seemed anything but over the years.)

It's a process. It's not immediate, and messing up is not a sign that we are necessarily doing anything wrong.

(Tangentially, I don't think that these are the moments to decide whether or not we want to go on birth control. Moments of overwhelm are inevitable, with big or small breaks, small or large families. If those moments are coming frequently, then we still need to sit down like a mentch to assess the situation. Birth control is a serious decision and one we will probably find ourselves second-guessing repeatedly when the spotting / mood swings / baby fever comes up. We owe ourselves a solid answer so we can feel confident in our decisions.)

I so appreciate the chizuk, validation and wisdom borne of experience in your post!!
And your approach on BC resonates with me and my hashkafos more than some others'. Thanks for taking the time to respond at such length.

Window

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 2:51 am

amother [ Molasses ] wrote:

At moments like yours, where we find ourselves wondering why we are doing this, I think it's a sign to take a break.

Not a break from having kids necessarily, a short break to regroup. Ask DH to watch them for a few hours or get a babysitter, and go out. By yourself. To a quiet place where you can recenter yourself.

I agree with this. Not necessarily is birth control the answer. You probably need some “me-time” and self care. Or maybe a small vacation. Or a Sunday off to go out with friends.
Try adding one self care activity every day. You can’t spend the entire day only caring for others. If you don’t fill yourself, you’ll have nothing to fill others with.
Are there any ways you can make your life less stressful? Hire a mothers helper a few hours a week, more cleaning help, easier supper, etc….
This is the hardest stage- only toddlers and babies. You need to come up with some more strategies to help you cope/survive. Therapy can help with that.
PPD is a possibility. Do you feel like you’ve never been this irritable before? Discuss it with your doctor, a small tiny dose can make a huge difference!

SuperWify

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 3:13 am

Your 3 year old is a baby, she still needs you. I know you feel like she’s so big because she’s your oldest, but she really a tiny human who still needs mommy a lot of the time.

Having more babies because babies are cute won’t help you. Babies grow out of that cute stage real fast and then you have another child to look after and care for physically and emotionally.

You should take a long break so you can feel human again. So you have patience for the children you do have. Then when you feel you got it, (it at least mostly got it because we can never fully be there..) you try for the next.

Hugs and good luck!

amother

NeonPink

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 4:55 am

I’m not the one to comment bc everywhere. Got married late and my dream was to have many in a row, alas I felt like you describe, probably a mix of sheer exhaustion and pp hormones and needed to take a break.

My Rav said something I thought was really interesting since he’s really not the type- sometimes he’s happy ppl ask if they can be because they ‘ must ‘ be on bc. It’s a chiyuv and something needs to change before going off…

As an aside and with as little details as possible- I’m close with someone who is the sweetest woman, she’s expecting #5 in around that many years and she was recently hospitalized- she snapped and got aggressive with her husband. I hope her marriage and she herself, her attachment with her kids can all recover.

Many many ppl can handle kids close close together all the time - we all have kids with different temperaments, we handle hormones differently etc.(remember you can have 3 then have a break than Iyh have many more, I’m not advocating for stopping or like one in 5 years)

FranticFrummie

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 5:14 am

OP, you are not a bad mother. A bad mother will not want to change and do better. You're just overwhelmed, exhausted, and possibly PPD.

NLP therapy is really good for defusing specific triggers. DBT therapy is excellent in the long run for helping you manage your emotions. I highly recommend both. You can find some excellent videos on YouTube to find out more about these modalities.

Everyone has their own personality. Some moms love older kids, but they can barely tolerate the baby stage. They can't connect with the little lump that doesn't interact, but will happily play board games for hours with a 7 or 8 year old. Some moms prefer teenagers who are close to becoming adults. Some moms only like babies, but they loose it when toddlers start throwing tantrums. It's rare that you'll find a mother who loves each and every stage!

What you need, are coping mechanisms to help you get through the hard times. Your kids need you to stay calm and be their rock, when they are having an emotional storm. When you get reactive, it just creates a feedback loop that keeps going.

What I found the most helpful, is empathy. Imagine that you are a 3yo, and that you want something very badly. You have limited power, limited resources, and the person you need to talk to is paying attention to someone or something else. It's so frustrating! The child gets flooded with emotions, and they don't have the maturity to regulate themselves. Being out of control is scary for them.

When faced with a tantrum, I think "Wow, it must be really hard to be you right now. Poor thing!" I validate the want, validate the emotions, and stay calm. When the tantrum passes, I work with the child on problem solving. (Keep doing this until they are married and out of the house!)

Each stage will come with it's own challenges, but the technique is always the same. Put yourself in your child's shoes, and feel with them. It will reframe your attitude so much.

Hatzlocha! Hug

spikta

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 5:25 am

Here to join the chizuk chorus. Tantruming todlers can be sooooo draining. I think I'm a pretty good parent, but there's only so much screaming I can hear before it starts affecting me. We can't not be affected by our children kvetching, we're hardwired to be distraught by it and want to do something about it.
After hours with my toddler screaming 50-60% of the time I too get exhausted, frazzled and frustrated. That's just the developmental phase he's in right now, I know how to manage it, but I'm allowed not to enjoy it. Nothing wrong with disliking endless tantrums.

BH my older children are lovely, each in their own way. It's not an "oh you're a cute baby" love, but a "wow, look at this amazing complex and interesting person you're growing into" love, and I'm awed by the precious gifts hashem has given me. I think because your eldest is 3 you're in the trenches and you can't see beyond, but it really will get better. Do what you can to take care of yourself so that you can deal with the burnout of parenting small children, and don't feel guilty about the frustration and exasperation you feel, because it's totally understandable and natural. You don't need to add guilt into the pile of other unpleasant feelings you already have. Just keep on doing what you can, and know that soon, even in a few weeks or months, your girl will mature a bit and it will really get better.

amother

Moonstone

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 6:04 am

Did you ever take a parenting class? I know your kids are little, but a 3 year old can use some limits and rules for you both to feel secure. I remember the first time feeling the need to potch my toddler. He must have done something very destructive and just pushed my buttons. Once I took a parenting class, and understood the psychology behind mine and my children's actions-I was much more in control and rarely get upset with them. My oldest few are teens already and my house still runs on those skills I learned when they were little. Its a great investment.

imasinger

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 6:43 am

There's some helpful chizuk on this thread. And there's another recent thread about good mom bad mom that might be worth thinking about.

I'll put in another vote for therapy, parenting class, or both at some point. Therapy can help you understand why certain things that your DD does feel triggering, and how to keep it from bothering you as much. (It's totally normal to be a wonderfully calm aunt, and still find life as a mother very different.). You can also learn more about the guilt feelings that come after a less than ideal mom moment, and how to cope with them. Parenting class will give you specific tips, plus a chance to realize you're not alone. And both will offer some time for yourself, as a bonus.

In the meantime, feel free to post here about specific moments with your DD3. There's a lot of great experience and perspective on this board.

amother

RosePink

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 7:04 am

Forget the kids for a minute, let's talk about you. Are you rested? Are you fed? Do you have regular social interactions? Do you take care of your appearance in whatever way matters to you?
Your kids just need you, they don't need a perfect mother. But for you to be the best mother you can be, you need to invest in yourself. I'm in the same stage as you, my oldest is 3, youngest is 6 months and they aren't the only ones Smile

. It's really really really hard some days but when I notice that it's hard for a long time, I know I'm letting my own needs slide.

amother

NeonPink

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 7:07 am

amother [ RosePink ] wrote:

. It's really really really hard some days but when I notice that it's hard for a long time, I know I'm letting my own needs slide.

From one pink amother to another. Tell me how to get rest (the biggest factor for me) or normal food and calm outings when my kids go from one virus to the next taking turns… ear infection… literally lucky if I get two or three nights of sleep a week.

amother

Ginger

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 7:38 am

I didnt read through all the responses so forgive me if I repeat.

I could have written your post a few years ago. I am in a much better place today.

1. This is a very overwhelming stage of life. Therapy can give you time to pause and help remember the tools that you have/need to continue taking care of yourself in order to be the best mother for them.

2. Your baby is little. Did you consider ppd?

3. Taking a break is HUGE. I didn't take as long a break as a poster mentioned up thread but having a 4/5 year old youngest and an 8 year old oldest makes a HUGE difference. I still love babies. I walk into every event and hold all the babies there. But I learned that for my own family, I need to go slower.

4. Is there anyone that you can reach out to now who can provide some help? A neighborhood teen or relative may enjoy hanging out with your kids and just being an extra hand. Are there any additional corners that you could cut (or are you doing it all already)?

5. Can you add one thing into your day that you do for YOURSELF? Eat a favorite food slowly in a quiet room? Take a bath? Listen to music? Journal? Set a time and take 20 min to yourself 1-2 times daily. Waking up before the kids and enjoying the quiet before the chaos helps me a lot.

6. Are your kids scheduled and sleep trained? If not this can make a very big difference. Reach out to an experienced mommy to ask them for help and ideas in this area.

amother

Iris

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 7:55 am

amother [ Molasses ] wrote:

If a mother with three under three is overwhelmed and starting to snap, bc is in most cases the only decision. The Torah way isn’t to have a baby every single year anyway, even if OP does love the baby phase.

amother

Moccasin

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 8:14 am

We have children, literally because
1. We do it for our men who have a mitzvah dorysa.
2. The concept from tehillim of populating the world with people.

OP - these feelings are normal. Some find it easier to love babies others toddlers others adults. Children are hard work. If you can, try to find physical help for yourself. Also, it sounds like you may benefit from either more realistic expectations from your children or more discipline. And of course, if you grew up without love it is really hard to feel love to yourself and to your children, so try to heal that if you can.