Chizuk needed: Pls. remind me why we have kids

amother

Oatmeal

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 9:09 am

My kids are nearly 2 years older than yours and it's a little easier than it used to be. It's really hard work being a mother and I think it's okay for children to understand you can't always be sunny and happy 24/7, especially when they're all crying and tantruming and you've been woken up at 2, 4 and 5.30 and you need to be up again in the morning.
I try and give myself time-out when I feel I'm at the point of can't take it. I take long toilet breaks as that's the only place I get some privacy. I also resort to things like short screen time as needed. I try avoid doing that but sometimes it is totally for my sanity.
Compromise also on what you can. Make short-cuts where you can, like basket to throw clothes into rather than sorting it. Anything that will make it easier for you.
I'm not going to weigh in on the birth control because that's not for me. I would suggest you discuss it with your rav and see what he says and you may find yourself surprised by the answer.

Optione

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 9:28 am

I only got through some of the responses, but it took me time to realize with my own kids that it wasn't actually about them, as much as me having to parent them while I'm tired, hungry, overwhelmed, dehydrated, emotional, etc. Once I acknowledged why is what hard for me in the moment, I found it easier to parent them from a calm place.

SuperWify

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 9:42 am

Optione wrote:

Yes to this!

Parenting experts always say that if a child is hungry, tired, or emotionally or sensory overloaded they will lose it and you can’t hold them responsible.

Guess what? Adults are the same! Make sure you are sleeping enough (hard when you have so many babies kah) but can you nap during the day?

Feed yourself a nourishing healthy lunch (I find when I have the time to sit and eat a proper meal - protein (fish or eggs), salad, bit of carb (wrap, ww bread ect) and plenty of water to drink I feel so much better. Take your vitamins.

Take time for yourself every day. I know it’s hard when you have little people who always need you but you can carve pockets of time. A hour before bed to read after everyone is sleeping. An exercise class (bh I got busy this year so I do 20 minutes a day with a program on my phone. It’s also great for pp moms and I feel so much better physically and emotionally.). A walk with the baby in the stroller for 15 minutes. A mommy and me private where you can meet other moms for coffee.. Ect.

Hope this helps xx

Last edited by SuperWify on Tue, Nov 30 2021, 9:47 am; edited 1 time in total

PSmommy

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 9:47 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you! So I really still am a normal person, in essence, ya think? Confused

I do like the therapy idea, even for just a few sessions. I don't like the kind of person I have become in the privacy of my home. I used to be chilled and easygoing and nice. Now I am too often stressed and tense and annoyed and actually angry. I really want the atmosphere to be calm and gentle, and not on edge.

I feel that!!! I used to be a fun, easy going, always positive person. Now I have a toddler and baby (and a husband with mental issues) and I always find myself stressed, annoyed and angry. I hate that I became like this.

SuperWify

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 9:53 am

Wanted to add one more thing- your original question was why we have so many kids.

Posters have mentioned reasons such as in tehillim for filling up the world. Many people take a different mitzvah on themselves that they excel in (chessed, Kirov, kashrut, guests, kibud av ect) but no one takes in all 613+ Mitzvos as their number 1. It’s not possible.

For those that could have big families and can give each child the love and attention they deserve it’s a beautiful thing. But each person needs to be realistic if that’s a value they can really keep to its fullest.

amother

Grape

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 10:00 am

amother [ NeonYellow ] wrote:

Your thread title is offensive. It’s spitting in the face of Hashem who gave you huge gifts in your children. Please change it.

I'm pretty sure Hashem knew what she meant. But maybe He's offended that you thought He might "misunderstand" what a young mother in need of help, meant?

amother

Grape

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 10:08 am

From a few of the things you wrote, this could be me posting, OP. Sometimes it helps me to think of the concept called the Good Enough Parent. Basically, if your children are fed, bathed, clothed, and loved, and more than half of your interactions with them are positive, they will turn out okay. That means even if you snap at them a few times a day, but they go to bed with a song and a kiss, or they had their favorite supper, or you made them laugh, or you took them off the bus with a smile, etc, these are all positive interactions and they feel your love. I think of it as a bank account. Every time we share a neutral or positive interaction, money goes into the bank account, and when there's a negative interaction, money comes out. The goal is to make sure there is enough money in the account to withdraw.
We also need to remember that sometimes we go through harder days, weeks, or even months, and it's okay for us to do what it takes to make our days easier. Sandwiches for supper are perfectly fine if you're going to be snapping at your kids because they'll be cranky while you stand and fry chicken cutlets. We have to do what we have to do.
I'm sending you so much love. One day, our kids will be older and they will be such amazing human beings, thanks to us. And then it'll feel worth it.

amother

Seablue

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 10:34 am

You have at least three children under three. Realistically that is overwhelming.

My good friend thought she had motherhood under control when she had her first. She had a second baby about two years after the first and she said that one night when she was up late with the second child running on fumes she had a momentary thought of tossing the child out the window and wondering if anyone would notice its absence. Very Happy

For the record, her children are all safely grown and she no longer harbors that fantasy although she is also glad that her days of active child rearing and all of the time constraints and worries and drudgery are behind her and she gets to enjoy the children.

amother

RosePink

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 11:26 am

amother [ NeonPink ] wrote:

From one pink amother to another. Tell me how to get rest (the biggest factor for me) or normal food and calm outings when my kids go from one virus to the next taking turns… ear infection… literally lucky if I get two or three nights of sleep a week.

I'm not saying it's easy. Not at all. But I prioritize it above basically anything else. When my kids are sick, I take turns with my husband for sleep and make sure I have better meals during the day to make up for it. I've gotten babysitting so that I could get everything done in the afternoon and go to sleep right after I put the baby to sleep at 8:00.

elaela

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:16 pm

lack of sleep
lack of appreciation
lack of time
HUGE responsibililty
BAD CONCIOUS

OF COURSE ITS TOO MUCH

any woman/man would feel exhausted/tired/resentful.

its like telling a CEO of a big company to work 3 jobs 24/7 without a secretary and when a worker must leave he has to jump in and fill that gap too.

mothers have to function around the clock (when the shefalachs are still dependant) and if one is sick or teething, you suck it up and still play/craft/read stories to the older ones, besides cooking, shopping, running errands, doc appointments household etc...

so yeah what you feel is TOTALLY normal.

my only advice:
get babyistters, give formula so dh can feed baby during nighthours, get cleaning help, outsource what u can and keep your standards LOW. make sure to spoil yourself (massage/movienight whatever on regular basis to fill up your empty), download some great chinuchshiurim and fake it till u make it: SMILE AND APPRECIATE YOUR QUALITY TIME and dont focus on the bad.

hazlacha you are fantastic, literaaly superwoman!!!!

elaela

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:18 pm

oh and they are devine, so sweet, the best H can give you, you will be so so proud of them and happy for them and share nachas with them eventually once they are ot of their diapers adn old enough to contribute,...for now their job IS to be dependant on you and be sweet..they sound completely normal.

amother

NeonPink

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 2:12 pm

amother [ RosePink ] wrote:

I honestly could not make this happen for myself. Op if you can’t, know that you’re not the only one.

amother

RosePink

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 3:14 pm

amother [ NeonPink ] wrote:

I honestly could not make this happen for myself. Op if you can’t, know that you’re not the only one.

I used to think the same way but then I crashed. I had a full on breakdown and realized that more than my kids need nutritious meals and clean clothes, they need a present mother. And now my basic needs almost always come first. Obviously there are crazy times but as rule, my kids deserve a mother who has the capacity to love them and care for them and raise them because she has filled her own cup.
It's a mindset shift and takes a lot of work but I found it worth it.

amother

Molasses

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 4:33 pm

naomi2 wrote:

It's really hard to have a bunch of little kids. I went on bc for a few years and life is way better.

It IS really hard to have a bunch of little kids. I looked for ways to reduce my daily stress, learned new parenting methods, made taking care of myself a higher priority, and lowered my expectations. I didn’t go on BC, and life is still way better.

Your kids get older, entertain each other more, and are able to express themselves with words. It doesn’t stay the same hard forever, even when you continue having more kids.

ETA: That doesn’t mean BC is never the answer. It sometimes is. It’s just not the ONLY answer.

amother

Honeydew

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 4:52 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

But I so love having babies. Am I crazy? I guess a break and then more hopefully can be a happy medium.

I would suggest maybe taking a parenting class to help you learn how to react to your 3 year old when they push your buttons, how to give consequences, how to let some things go, etc. I recommend Dina Friedman's parenting class but I am sure there are LOTS of options that would help you put things into perspective. All that said, you sound really normal! Don't beat yourself up about it. Glad you had the guts to post here for chizzuk.

amother

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 1:35 am

So I finally got a chance to check back. Thanks tons to everyone for your chizuk and good advice!
I was in a much better frame of mind today (not even sure why, exactly. Maybe hormones are at play), so everything was automatically much easier and kids were so much cuter! Wink

Just BTW, DH helps a lot, I have some (enough for me) cleaning help, and I do end up with me-time every day. So that also makes me wonder why I feel so overwhelmed sometimes- I am already doing the typical suggestions.
Also, it's entirely normal for many in our community to have kids very close in age, and to not even slow down like, ever. Not to say that I can do that, and we are in touch with rav about BC and doing it as per our hashkafa etc, but just wondering how those couples do it? I know there is no such thing as superwoman and they are all normal people. Do they have more physical stamina? better emotional health? Or are they all wrung-out shmattes? (I know some such women personally, and the last option is almost never true.)
If you're in a similar boat please let me in on your secrets!
(And if your community looks at this as completely irresponsible etc, please don't use this thread to share your views...)

amother

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 1:38 am

Window wrote:

I agree with this. Not necessarily is birth control the answer. You probably need some “me-time” and self care. Or maybe a small vacation. Or a Sunday off to go out with friends.
Try adding one self care activity every day. You can’t spend the entire day only caring for others. If you don’t fill yourself, you’ll have nothing to fill others with.
Are there any ways you can make your life less stressful? Hire a mothers helper a few hours a week, more cleaning help, easier supper, etc….
This is the hardest stage- only toddlers and babies. You need to come up with some more strategies to help you cope/survive. Therapy can help with that.
PPD is a possibility. Do you feel like you’ve never been this irritable before? Discuss it with your doctor, a small tiny dose can make a huge difference!

It's hard to say. I am not naturally very patient, and I am more easily annoyed, but I thought I had worked on and made progress in those areas. So I keep trying to determine if the nisayon is just harder so I have to work on it again, or is something more at play? How do I know?