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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Jekyll and Hyde- which personality disorder is this?
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 10:02 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
If a child (9 years old) is an amazing, happy, obedient kid most of the time, but then maybe once or twice a week, he becomes an absolute terror for an hour or 2, is chutzpadig, hurts people, throws things, and absolutely doesn't obey your commands, what is that called?

I'm worried about him because my fil had the same disorder. He was pleasant, but when he blew up, he blew up badly, and for no obvious reason.

For starters, nine year olds don’t have personality disorders. Personality disorders are the result of trauma and abuse.
I’d say that amazing happy obedient kid is repressing his feelings all of that time and then when he can’t anymore he explodes.
He needs to be taught healthy ways to release and express his emotions. Maybe through educating yourself in how to help him, or maybe through therapy.
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amother
Midnight


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 10:07 am
The issue sounds like emotional regulation many children need to be taught. Some get it at 3 some older. Such a child should be on a very consistent schedule. Make sure he wakes up about the same time every day. And starts the day with a good breakfast. Solid 3 meals and a strict bedtime. Its chanuka if you having a party late at night. Take him out of school a bit earlier give him to eat. And as soon as it gets dark he should take a nap. (A short nap) this will keep him calm at night. Wake him up regularl time the next day
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:11 pm
Here are some examples of times I have potched him. 1-When he was flying a kite and one of the sticks poked through the material. He got very upset, dropped the kite in middle of the street where cars would run over it because it was a piece of garbage and climbed a tree and refused to come down and get it. I told him we have to go home and he refused to come down from the tree.

2- He decided he's not going to school today. I told him to put his socks and shoes on and he simply said no. Then he locked himself in the bathroom and refused to open the door. I ended up carrying him down the steps to our house, and he ran right back up and inside and slammed the door really hard.
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Success10




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:15 pm
How is he with your dh? How is he at school?
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:25 pm
Sometimes he is the same way with dh, but sometimes dh can calm him down better than I can.

Last year,, he got punished in school every day. Lockdown was horrible for him. This year, he was much better in school so far, although he has one teacher who punishes him sometimes.
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:32 pm
OT and emotional regulation.

Get him evaluated.

Personality disorders happen from trauma and abuse.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:34 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Here are some examples of times I have potched him. 1-When he was flying a kite and one of the sticks poked through the material. He got very upset, dropped the kite in middle of the street where cars would run over it because it was a piece of garbage and climbed a tree and refused to come down and get it. I told him we have to go home and he refused to come down from the tree.

2- He decided he's not going to school today. I told him to put his socks and shoes on and he simply said no. Then he locked himself in the bathroom and refused to open the door. I ended up carrying him down the steps to our house, and he ran right back up and inside and slammed the door really hard.

You need parenting classes
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:40 pm
Zehava wrote:
You need parenting classes


I agree. Sounds like normal kid behavior.
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amother
Amaranthus


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:45 pm
I’m not hearing horrific behavior at all. So he was upset over his kite, kids climb trees, probably felt safe to him to go to a private spot, kids don’t listen when they are going through something, and kids refuse to go to school sometimes. You yourself said lockdown was hard for him. Cut him some slack, poor kid just needs help processing his emotions and unconditional love. He doesn’t need his mother thinking he has some disorder when he’s just being a normal kid.
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Hashem_Yaazor




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:55 pm
Something is eating up this kid. I would definitely have him evaluated in case there's something identifiable like emotional regulation or anxiety that can be addressed but even if not, having a therapist to unload to may be very beneficial. Not wanting to go to school is a red flag that something in school is bothering him. Kids don't refuse for no reason.

I get that it's hard for you as a parent, but I can guarantee it's harder for him as a kid.

Good luck!
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amother
Black


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 1:56 pm
mizle10 wrote:
My 10 year old is like that.... She completely loses herself at the drop of a hat. Screaming, chutzpah, animal like growling, kicking on the floor like a toddler.

I know what a meltdown looks like.

I also know of she is tired or hungry she will get ticked off much more easily.

I don't consider her to have a personality disorder... she's a child. Probably needs some help with executive function.

I would also never hit her because of her behavior. At this point I find the best reaction is to completely ignore her as if it's not going on and if that's impossible (she will stand an inch away from my face and shriek) I physically pick her up and place her in a quiet room.


Sounds like my 6 yo. But she breaks things and hurts everyone around her.

I've come to learn that it's not just a the drop of a hat that this happens. It's usually a buildup of things.

This child also has a history of severe medical trauma as an infant. And I belive it has left her with a veeeery low stress tolerance.

We have a prearranged word that will help her stop right then and there. Works 3 out of 4 times. Other times it's very difficult.
But she's just a child. She's having a hard time be extra kind to them. All they really need at such times is love.
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amother
Petunia


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 2:08 pm
OP I would suspect cortisol or blood sugar issues, a food sensitivity or “cerebral allergy”, possibly a hormonal or thyroid kind of thing, maybe brain inflammation, some neurotransmitter thing. Iow, something biological.

I disagree with everyone that says it’s normal, I don’t think I’m terms of personality disorders and it may be fairly common 9yo behavior but I think healthy (by this I mean physically healthy, with good brain health) 9yos should have the ability to regulate better than that, and these are symptoms of something neurological going on. Cave man type brain, brain wired for danger, however you want to look at it, it’s brain based and addressing the root cause can go a long way to eliminating these kinds of behaviors.
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momsrus




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 2:28 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
If a child (9 years old) is an amazing, happy, obedient kid most of the time, but then maybe once or twice a week, he becomes an absolute terror for an hour or 2, is chutzpadig, hurts people, throws things, and absolutely doesn't obey your commands, what is that called?

I'm worried about him because my fil had the same disorder. He was pleasant, but when he blew up, he blew up badly, and for no obvious reason.


He doesn't obey your commands?
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amother
Petunia


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 2:53 pm
momsrus wrote:
He doesn't obey your commands?
Theres kids having a hard time listening, having a mind of their own, having an independent streak, and then there’s kids who have brain based oppositional and defiant “reflexes”, pathological demand avoidance, etc. I’m assuming op is referring to the latter.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 2:56 pm
amother [ Petunia ] wrote:
Theres kids having a hard time listening, having a mind of their own, having an independent streak, and then there’s kids who have brain based oppositional and defiant “reflexes”, pathological demand avoidance, etc. I’m assuming op is referring to the latter.

Based on ops attitude towards this child, and the way she’s been responding to his behavior, I’d assume exactly nothing. There’s a dynamic at play here.
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SuperWify




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 2:57 pm
I won’t comment except that when you potch a child you are dysregulating him even further. So honestly, it won’t help only harm.
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pause




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 3:04 pm
OP, you need help first --- before figuring out what's wrong, if anything, with your child.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 3:15 pm
It can be very confusing when kids do things like this and really frustrating to deal with.
Try to tune in to what’s going on.
My 9yo son is the sweetest kid. But he also sometimes ‘looses it’.
Sometimes we are not sure what triggers it, but other times when I’ve been more in tune, I can see it building up. Little things his sibling to do bother him, having a negative interaction at school… the little things build up and he can ‘explode’. If I didn’t know better I would think it can out of nowhere. But I know his sisters know how to get under his skin and if he’s already a bit upset the little things can set him off.

Even lots of kids who can regulate most of the time often have a limit. And once they’ve reached the limit they snap.
All the things you’ve mentioned, not eating properly, not getting enough sleep, irregular schedules etc can effect their ability to self regulate.
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amother
Red


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 4:21 pm
Some types of kids can escalate enormously when their feelings are not validated and when they are not allowed to express their true emotion. Even if later they are guided to better choices and strategies. First they need to feel heard. Home has to be a safe haven. Parenting professionals like Ross Greene can help with challenging kids. They are doing the best they can and need this type of help to do better.
Your other kids should not get to weigh on with their opinions. Sounds like he’s being typecast as the bad or problem kid. You are conflating your concerns about your fil with the kid in front of you and this does not help you or him so better. You do not want a negative or self fulfilling prophecy.
Some kids are harder to parent than others. He needs to feel your love look into nurturing heart parenting. These strategies are recipes for success.
You need a therapist who can guide you. It’s not an overnight turn around.
Hatzlocha
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amother
Ballota


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 4:55 pm
The book The Explosive Child is very helpful. It works great with regular kids too. It teaches flexible parenting, listening to your child, compromising, how to work out a solution in a difficult situation etc. The kids really respond well when you use the techniques and you get good results.
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