Jekyll and Hyde- which personality disorder is this?

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 8:41 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Here are some examples of times I have potched him. 1-When he was flying a kite and one of the sticks poked through the material. He got very upset, dropped the kite in middle of the street where cars would run over it because it was a piece of garbage and climbed a tree and refused to come down and get it. I told him we have to go home and he refused to come down from the tree.

2- He decided he's not going to school today. I told him to put his socks and shoes on and he simply said no. Then he locked himself in the bathroom and refused to open the door. I ended up carrying him down the steps to our house, and he ran right back up and inside and slammed the door really hard.

OP, I'm sorry, but this is regular kid (especially boy) behavior. Your other kids must be real angels, that's all I can say. Consider yourself very lucky.

amother

Midnight

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 10:21 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

In these examples it sound like your turning innocent behavior into a power struggle. You need advice on how not to make everything in a power struggle all behavior could be coming from there.
Example 1 . If you told him "*GET OUT OF THAT TREE AND PICK UP THE KITE-!!!as a command of course he won't. Instead you may ask why did you throw down the kite? Oh you are frustrated it broke? Kites can easily break but we can tape or glue it. Child will pick it up so it could be done. Or he may stay in the tree and I would just state his feelings or tell him a story in the tree to calm him down. Act compassionately.

Example2 why do you want to stay home. Just today-thats ok. Or I was off last week and there is no one to stay home with you I understand how you feel. Can we call the rebbe and explain, would it help to pick you up early.
Sympathize with him. Give him control. Let him choose, act like you you want his input, advice.

This is all besides making sure he eats and sleeps well. Which can make all kids moody

amother

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 11:17 pm

amother [ Midnight ] wrote:

You are making assumptions here. If you want to know more details about how I handled each situation and how HE handled each situation, here goes:

When the kite broke, I saw it happen and I told him I'm sorry and maybe we could stick it back in, and I reminded him that we had already ordered him a new kite and it was supposed to be coming that day or the next day. He was yelling about how junky his kite is and how terrible it is and he's not keeping it and he's throwing it in the garbage. Then we crossed a busy street that has cars coming almost constantly, and he put it down in middle of the street. Of course I told him he had better pick it up right away! It was about to cause a major accident! IIRC, he did pick it up but he stuffed it in a drain on the side of the street. Then he climbed a tree on someone else's property who complains when kids go on his property. He yelled down to me that he is not coming down because I am so mean and his kite is garbage and even if he comes down, he's not taking the kite and he's not coming home because I am trying to make him take the kite and also I didn't let him go back to the Goldman's house. We did go to the Goldman's house earlier (when he was home from school for no good reason), and a toy of his got stuck in a tree. He had tried and tried for a long time to get it down, but we gave up. I had told him then that we would go back at some point and try again to get it down. He decided we needed to go right now, and he doesn't care that it's getting dark and the baby has a dirty diaper, he's going back and I'm so mean because I told him I'll take him back and he knows I never will and he's finding a nicer mother. I explained numerous times that we must go home and change the baby's diaper now, but we'll go tomorrow when it's still ight out, but he was so chutzpadig back to me that I ended up potching him.

When he refused to go to school today, he told me why he didn't want to go. One of my other kids was home yesterday, so he is staying home today. He has missed a lot of school lately, and he simply couldn't miss another day for no reason. Usually he pretends to have a stomach ache and I let him stay home. Today he didn't even bother pretending. He loves his rebbe and his teacher. There was nothing to explain to anyone. His teacher even called me tonight to make sure he's okay because he's been missing so much school.

When I finally took the other kids out without him, he hid under the table and hurt the baby whenever she looked at him. He was throwing things across the room. I told him to choose: he can calm himself down and then we can have a good day together, or he can continue this behavior and we can have a horrible day. He calmed down immediately and within minutes, he was cuddling with me. That's what seems so odd to me! He is so extremely difficult, and then suddenly everything is all better and he's ready to accept my love again.

I hope this long post clarifies my concerns a bit.

Zehava

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 11:38 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He’s been crying out for empathy this entire time. But all you’ve been doing is trying to fix the problems and explain away his anger and frustration to make them disappear. His emotions make you uncomfortable. You’d rather he be calm, easygoing, smiley and obedient all the time. Sure would make things easier for you.
But if you can’t handle his big feelings how on earth do you expect him to handle them?

taketwo

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 12:14 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He reminds me of my oldest. Alot. I have found I need to pay attention to him before it escalates to this point. Look for positive things to say to him before he looses control. Spending one on one time with him also helps. But when he does start to loose control I have have be the calm one. I have to just show I hear him. I'll give you examples of the kind of responses I may have to the bolded parts.

I hear you are so mad and disappointed at how junky the kite is. You wish you would have one that would be strong enough to withstand anything. It's so disappointing when we are trying to have fun and it all goes wrong.

If something is dangerous, it's not the time for chinuch. I would pick up the kite myself and continue on.

Again, when he climbed the tree I would just hear him. I would say I see your upset with mommy. You really didn't want to pick up the kite, and you wanted to go to the goldmans house. You're really mad that mommy is not letting you. Don't explain your reasons, just validate his feelings. And I would definitely not explain to him that it's because of the baby's dirty diaper. He probably is resentful towards the baby as is, I wouldn't add to it.

I'm not exactly sure I understand the last scenario. So I can't comment on it.

Op, these kids are difficult because they are having a difficult time. Learn how to help them deal with their strong emotions. I suggest the books How To Talk so Kids will Listen and the Power of Showing up.

amother

Forsythia

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 12:18 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You hit him in front of all his siblings?

amother

Fern

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 1:10 am

OP, I just want to empathize with you here. As you will surely agree, hitting your child is not the preferred course of action. And you agree with all those posters who are pointing out all your parenting mistakes. But I could so relate to being under pressure to say, get other kids onto the bus, and not always being perfectly calm and understanding and rational, especially in the face of his escalating misbehavior. It is HARD to calmly and patiently and quietly keep saying the same soothing, validating statements (which he probably doesn't seem to be hearing anyway).
I alternate between feeling awe of all these super-composed, calm, always-centered imamothers, and just feeling completely incapable. Are you all seriously so calm IRL, or only when reading objectively about someone else's struggles, when it's easy to be removed and logical?
Speaking to a professional or parenting expert is a good idea, but I just want to validate the struggle. It is super hard to be a parent. And I am sure most people get aggravated when provoked, whether by a child, spouse, boss etc!

Zehava

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 1:21 am

amother [ Fern ] wrote:

Ofcourse we’re all human! I mean, at least I am. But there is a huge difference between losing your cool at times and systematically BLAMING your child when you do. Not only blaming but actively looking to pathologize the behavior by wanting to label them with a personality disorder. That has nothing to do with being super-composed in the moment. That is a chosen attitude. And that is what is getting so many of us ticked off.
It is our responsibility to try to be the best parent we can be. It is not our child’s responsibility to HANDLE situations.
So when a mother comes on here and all she’s trying to do is prove how horrible her child is and that nothing will ever work, and she already labeled him with a personality disorder at nine (!) years old, we will try our best to give advice on the ideal way to handle his very normal childish behavior but also be kind of exasperated at how blind someone can be to their own role in the situation.

imaima

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 1:27 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He does sound very difficult.
However it is not a personality disorder or Jekyll/Hyde.

Could it be early puberty?

Chickensoupprof

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 5:09 am

First things first a personality disorder can only be diagnosed when the personality development is done which is in your 20s. The DSM basically says that one has to be 18 to get a personality disorder and because I did a personality disorder therapy (schematherapy) I had to answer tons or questions and the psychologist told me that personality disorders are really coming to 'bloom' between 20 and 25 years old so telling people or wondering that your child has a personality disorder is stigmatizing and really hurtful. Stop that and also don't think in disorders because a mental disorder is not one size fits all in treatment.
Me and my brother both have ASD, I can't stand the noise from clubs and bars and I'm akward socially and don't want to drink that much, my brother is totally the clubbing type who is going to get drunk. So in this scenario I'm the typical asd and my brother not. But my brother only can talk about football (soccer) and specially brewed beers which are his special interest and is really stubborn, you can talk with me about anything and everything. So again...

Back to what other people have said when you are in the neverending loop to pathologize every behaviour of your child and see only the horrible things he/she does you will provoke that behaviour.
YOU are the adult YOU are the mother he is 9 he is a child. And there can be lots of things going on, but first and most of all. How are you doing? How are you feeling in general? How is your self-esteem? Why do you feel this child is different from the other children what is the trigger for you?
And then look how can you help him to do more things? I always say children don't choose to be difficult, a child throwing a tantrum is not becoming chas ve shalom a criminal or abusive.
It doesn't work like that.

Chickensoupprof

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 5:15 am

Zehava wrote:

This, labeling a child and blaming a child is a toxic additude which is not helpful for a child at all. Maybe the child let's say gets bullied. That that's the reason eh doesn't want to go to school and that he is throwing tantrums while at home.
Oh and again activly looking for disorders is so so wrong and not helping at all. My mom has a neighbour who told her that she thinks her husband has autism because he is abusive... My mom said 'I always see he is drinking a lot' this men starts at 10 with 1 liter beer and he drinks 5 of them and then one bottle of gin during the day to end with few glasses of wine... He is a drunk!