Jekyll and Hyde- which personality disorder is this?

amother

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 6:39 am

Sheesh. Guys, you are all blaming me for trying to label my child. You say I only see the bad in my child.

That is completely not true. If I only saw the bad in him, I wouldn't have said that he's a wonderful kid most of the time.

I was scared, peeps! I saw my fil with his personality disorder, and dh told me what it was like growing up with a father who blows up over nothing. I saw ds acting similarly, and dh just told me he's afraid ds had whatever his father had. Since dh always told me his father had bipolar but that seemed wrong to me, I was trying to figure out what his father really had and if ds might have the same thing. It's scary when there is mental illness in the family (and yes, fil did have mental illness) and kids might inherit it. When you start to see similarities, you start to tell yourself he has the same thing...

It is scary to see my wonderful child turn into a monster temporarily and be out of control, and then suddenly turn back to normal, especially when my fil had his issues.

So now I am relieved to hear everyone say it's likely not what my fil had. That was what I wanted to hear. Thank you.

And while I've heard many people criticize my parenting, I can only recall one poster who said what to do instead of what I did. What she said sounds wonderful, but it wasn't going to get my kid onto the bus before it leaves in a minute. Maybe if we had 10 minutes it would work. Since my method didn't work either and he stayed home, it is worth trying hers.

Thank you all for listening. I knew he was bothered by something, I just didn't think his way of handling it is normal. Now I know. Wonderful.

Hashem_Yaazor

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 7:48 am

My post might have gotten lost up thread but I want to repeat that I don't believe this is normative behavior at his age. I think something is bothering him. Whether it's one thing or a collection of things tipping him over the edge, he definitely can benefit from therapeutic help with or without a diagnosis. (This is independent of the debate whether OP can benefit from parenting instruction... Of course she and everyone can!)

I'm still in my parenting journey but I've seen many different scenarios. The only times I've seen a kid spontaneously (to me!) refuse to go to school/camp, something was going on. They lived their teachers/counselors, came home seemingly happy but threw tantrums some mornings.
With the first scenario, my son was being bullied by older kids he didn't even know (big school) and the second time it was easier to figure out due to my experience with the first. In that case, there was an issue on the bus to go swimming where older bunk kids were teasing (not bullying level) my kid and counselor supervision didn't pick up on it (till I brought it up)...I am positive his wanting to stay home even if he likes his rebbe is because he's trying to avoid school for a specific reason. If he won't open up to you, getting someone else involved can only help him.

As I said before, as hard as it is for you, it's much harder to be him. This isn't a pathological disorder. This is his way of communicating, and it's not a good way to do so, which is why I'm saying it's not normative. It may be born from not having good communication skills or pathways, or from underlying issues such as anxiety, poor emotional regulation, whatever.... But bottom line, everyone will benefit if he gets the tools he needs.

amother

Midnight

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 8:32 am

Since I'm not perfect I'll give you some of my secrets for staying calm in tense situations.
this shoud work especially when he tantrums out of the house.
I imagine someone is watching me staring at me and I'm on my best behavior. It lowers the whole tension on both ends. I don't have to act like I'm on camera anymore because my kid acts sweet and response well.
parenting when you have a young baby its very hard to always folow thru sometimes your so busy with baby. Very important to ignore baby for a few minutes let even a young kid push rock her in the carriage,, put her somewhere safe like a pack n play with toys so you can follow through with what you said with an older one. Whether punishment or reward. Its a trust issue and inconsistent parenting If you promise a child something and he says I don't believe you will do that. (In your example go back to Goldberg house another day)
Also teach by example and don't get into a rut. Chanuka I went to sleep really late. I started screaming at my kids acting a bit nasty some listened because they saw me so worked up others behaved badly. All of a sudden I stopped realized my behavior and told my kids I apologize I shouldn't be screaming. One kid answered (something I would tell them) mommy your screaming because you are overtired ) I used this to teach my kids I told them. I. So happy I realize I shouldn't be yelling. Being overtired explains why I acted this way but its not an excuse. And screaming will make me even more tired I need to do.... to keep myself calm when tired.

amother

Amaranthus

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 8:39 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Also always remember there are in betweens. If the ideal plan ( getting him on the bus ) didn’t work that doesn’t mean he should stay home the whole day. Once he’s calm and moved past it you can take him late.

amother

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 8:41 am

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

So I haven't addressed this point. I am aware that something is bothering him, and after the kite incident he told me what it was. One of my children has special needs and ds sees people making fun of my other child in school when the other child is unaware. He is embarrassed, and feels a need to protect his sibling, but he feels powerless.

I spoke to his teacher about that when she called me last night to see why he missed school again. I plan to speak to my other child's teachers about it as well.

His behavior was much worse during lock down, and then became bearable again, though it didn't disappear. Now it has become worse again, and I know why and I am trying to deal with the problem. He speaks to me about it, usually on the same day he has a meltdown. That makes me more convinced of a connection between the 2.

Ds has had therapy before and I am not opposed to getting it for him again if needed.

Chayalle

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 11:30 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Validation does NOT WORK! And neither does anything else!

In an ideal world, maybe it would work if I could give him my full attention and give him whatever he wants. If I had no time constraints and no one else who needed my attention when he does, he would probably be happy. But if he wants to go throw things at trees to get a cheap toy out of it while the baby has a dirty diaper, it's getting dark and his kite is stuck in a drain on the street, I can't give in and he has to know how to take no for an answer. In cases like that, validation does not help him.

So he needs more validation at other times, and possibly some intervention (therapy) to help him regulate himself when things go wrong.

Validation does work, but it's not a quick fix. It's a process of tons of validation, love, empathy over time, to the point that it fillls him and helps him when the going is rough.

And consider this OP. Every potch undoes months of validation. Seriously.

amother

Dimgray

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 11:34 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I just want to tell you something OP. To you and anyone else who has this mistaken thought in their mind.

BIPOLAR IS NOT A PERSONALITY DISORDER. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain, that causes his and los in moods, that do not look at all like what you are describing. Not in the slightest.

Your FIL probably does not have bipolar. What you are describing is not bipolar. It's emotional disregulation.

Signed,

Mother of a teen who has bipolar disorder. Sweet, easygoing, obedient personality, no emotional disregulation at all.

Thank you

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 11:48 am

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

As I said before, as hard as it is for you, it's much harder to be him. This isn't a pathological disorder. This is his way of communicating, and it's not a good way to do so, which is why I'm saying it's not normative. It may be born from not having good communication skills or pathways, or from underlying issues such as anxiety, poor emotional regulation, whatever.... But bottom line, everyone will benefit if he gets the tools he needs.

Yes. And can you please not hit him or label him as awful just because he's handicapped in this way. Just like we don't hit people who need glasses or hearing aids and think of them as bad because they can't perform like everyone else.

Hashem_Yaazor

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 5:29 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm glad the lines of communication are open!
That is so hard for him to feel powerless but good for you for stepping in and reaching out to the teachers. Make sure he knows you're doing that so he can feel like some of the burden he's taken upon himself is shared with you as the mother taking over what you can!

amother

Petunia

Wed, Dec 01 2021, 7:27 pm

amother [ Dimgray ] wrote:

Lots of people with bipolar do have issues with emotional dysregulation.

amother

Slategray

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 2:30 am

amother [ Petunia ] wrote:

Lots of people with bipolar do have issues with emotional dysregulation.

While bipolar can cause emotional dysregulation it presents very differently than what the OP described. Manic episodes can cause a 'high' and depressive episodes can cause a 'low'. They do not cause a Jekyll/Hyde effect. Also, the mood swings last days to months, not hours. Here's a description from Mayo Clinic:

Manic episodes may include symptoms such as high energy, reduced need for sleep, and loss of touch with reality. Depressive episodes may include symptoms such as low energy, low motivation, and loss of interest in daily activities. Mood episodes last days to months at a time and may also be associated with suicidal thoughts.

Signed,
Relative of an adult whose recent onset of bipolar disorder has them acting differently at times, but hasn't changed their caring and considerate core behaviors even during severe episodes.

ETA not sure if it was clear but each mood lasts for a long time. Like a few months of mania followed by a few months of depression, not switching between the 2 from day to day.