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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Wwyd? Being honest with my friend and insulting her



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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 9:09 am
My friend has a 10 year old son that is near the spectrum. Until this year he's been in a public school that caters to his needs. Understandably my friend has been pushing to get him in a yeshiva. A well known yeshiva took him this year.

Last week her son walked home during recess. He crossed big streets with busy intersections. Very unsafe. My friend is going on and on (and on on on on) about how irresponsible the yeshiva is and she can sue them. I've been holding my tongue but I so badly want to tell her that maybe by the letter of the law The school is responsible, but a 10 yr old needs to know he is not allowed to just stroll home during recess. This is why yeshivos have been reluctant to take her son to begin with. She just doesn't seem to get this. It's all the yeshivos fault. Should I set her straight? She's very sensitive and will probably be insulated.
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amother
Cyclamen


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 9:12 am
Her son is on the spectrum. He is not a 10 year old than can be instructed about danger.
The school is responsible. If they can't handle he kid they should not have him there, or insist he needs a shadow.


Last edited by amother on Wed, Dec 22 2021, 8:57 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Strawberry


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 9:23 am
What are you hoping to accomplish? It sounds like she is just venting. Trust me she knows her child is not a typical 10 year old and you pointing it out to her is not going to accomplish anything good.
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 9:24 am
SafeAtLast wrote:
Her son is on the spectrum. He is not a 10 year old than can be instructed about danger.
The school is responsible. If they can't handle he kid they should not have him there, or insist he needs a shadow.

This. If the school accepted him, that means they accept responsibility for him and his needs. Bus spectrum aside, what school just allows a child to leave? My 18 year old 12th grader can not just walk out without signing out. My 12 year old also can not just walk out, and his school has 1000 boys; he would be seen leaving via cameras. There is a gate and no way for him to get out of it. Even the back gate has a camera. Kids cant just leave school.

Your friend is right on various accounts.
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amother
Grape


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 10:39 am
Mayb suggest she put him in a speacial needs yeshiva. Which would have smaller classes & more staff to keep an eye on him.
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amother
Eggplant


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 10:50 am
Don’t say anything.
I know a boy who walked home from school. The boy was suspended indefinitely. He should not have taken that dangerous walk. Not during school or ever (it was across highways).
The parents knew it was wrong.
The school said they can’t have a boy in school who will not follow rules and do dangerous things. The only complaint the parents had was that the school didn’t want to take him back ever.
Let your friend work it out with the school. Of course it was wrong of the boy. The mother is upset and doesn’t want him to not be in yeshiva so she is blaming them. He should not have been able to leave so easily and yes, they are responsible for him but if he does his own thing he doesn’t belong in a mainstream school. Nothing you can do aside for letting the mother know that her son’s safety is the important thing here.
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 11:08 am
I agree it's not your place to say anything. You can be sure the school will be telling her all this themselves.
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nicole81




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 11:12 am
watergirl wrote:
This. If the school accepted him, that means they accept responsibility for him and his needs. Bus spectrum aside, what school just allows a child to leave? My 18 year old 12th grader can not just walk out without signing out. My 12 year old also can not just walk out, and his school has 1000 boys; he would be seen leaving via cameras. There is a gate and no way for him to get out of it. Even the back gate has a camera. Kids cant just leave school.

Your friend is right on various accounts.


Yeah, this. What is going on at this school? Is recess held in an opened, unsecured area? What does the supervision look like during recess? Are there no door alarms and/or cameras at all side exits? Is there no one monitoring the main entrance/exit? Or is someone there trusting the word of a ten year old that it's OK for them to leave? I'm curious if the school even noticed the kid missing and immediately called the parent.

This is all very alarming from a general safety perspective (think weapons, kidnappings, active shootings, etc)

Also, you don't need to say anything to your friend. The way you explained things, it sounds like you'd be giving an unsolicited opinion which is usually never well-received.
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amother
Hawthorn


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 11:40 am
If he’s on the spectrum, does he have a para? I work in a school that is quite strict about the students comings and goings, and this once happened in our school. The student was suspended, and allowed back in on a conditional basis. Mainstream yeshivas are simply unable to monitor every door, every minute of the day. There are absolutely strict rules and protocol in place, but at 10 years old, boys do have some freedom of movement during recess, for example to go to the bathroom alone, and are not watched like hawks every minute of every day.
If it were my friend, I’d probably start by validating, “oh my, that must’ve been so scary!” And then, only afterward bring up the idea of perhaps getting a para , who would actually watch him every second, for him.
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Cookin4days




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 11:48 am
No but it’s actually all the schools fault whether he’s on a spectrum or just a kid who wants to run away from school early. Why was there no one watching?
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amother
Coral


 

Post Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:18 pm
As a mother of a kid who might so this, the perspective depends on the circumstances. Realistically, not all schools have their full grounds gated in- many (most?) do not. So, did he take off running and was so fast that even though he was promptly noticed he was gone before they could find him? Or did they not notice he had meandered off? It also depends if,when she talked to the school about him going, they discussed if he was a wanderer/flight risk and said they couldn't take him (without a shadow) if he was.

Sof davar, even if she's wrong, let her talk unless she really asks for your opinion. Maybe you can say, at some point, that even if it's their fault she has to decide if she thinks he's safe there.
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