Wording invitations when parents are separated

amother

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 7:47 am

We've just separated but definitely planning on divorcing although at the time of the wedding we won't be legally or halachically divorced yet. We are on good terms and made the vort together so even though we were separated at that point, not everyone who attended even realized it. I feel bad to make DD's wedding invitation into the "announcement" that we're getting divorced but suspect that's what will end up happening if we write anything other than the standard.

How do people generally word invitations to simchas when separated and not divorced?

amother

Daphne

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 8:03 am

I would do both names together, as usual, if you aren’t divorced but Instead of Mr and Mrs Abel Weiss cordially invite you…you can write Abel and Abby Weiss cordially invite you (a d match the same tense for the Machatanim)…I see no reason to use your daughters invitation as a pending divorce announcement.

SG18

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 8:45 am

I wouldn't do any parent names. Under the intro text, our invitation said: Girl Lastname and Boy Lastname together with their families request the honor of your presence at their wedding
Followed by date, time, location

essie14

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 8:50 am

What does your daughter want?
If you're not actually divorced yet I'm not sure you should separate your names.
I've always seen
Chaim Cohen
Miriam Cohen
Shmuel and Suri Schwartz
Request the honor of your presence.....

I would let your daughter decide.

mom!

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 9:03 am

I would definitely not involve your child. He/she has enough to deal with at this time.
Chaim and Rivky Lastname would be ideal.

Hatzlacha!

imasinger

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 9:17 am

essie14 wrote:

I agree.

If the DD doesn't have an opinion, fine, but start with consulting her.

amother

Nasturtium

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 9:19 am

amother [ Whitesmoke ] wrote:

Chaim and Rivky Lastname

This is how it’s worded when a couple is together

My in laws were divorced at our wedding and it said

Mr Chaim last name
Mrs Rivky last name

Or you could say Mr Chaim Lastname & Mrs Rivky Lastname

PinkFridge

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 9:51 am

amother [ Nasturtium ] wrote:

But OP and her husband won't be. And while many people might be in the know many more might not. Why start with that kind of distraction? I say Mr. and Mrs. together.
And OP, kol hakavod for the two of you having your act together. Mazel tov and continued nachas.

zaq

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 9:54 am

If you're not divorced, you're still legally and/or halachically married. Chaim and Chana Abel would be fine. Presumably you are both hosting this event, and this is an invitation to that event, not an announcement of your unmarital plans.

Consulting that doyenne of modern American etiquette, Martha Stewart: https://www.marthastewart.com/.....ation

You will observe that there is nothing here listed for "parents are separated." That's because separated means living apart but still married. You are still Mr. and Mrs. Abel until you have those divorce papers in your hand.

Since you're sending invitations out now, your invitation reflects your status right now. The reverse would also be true: if you planned to remarry a week before your dd, your invitation would be extended by Chana Abel, not Mr. and Mrs. Yourfiance's Lastname.

rmbg

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 11:02 am

Do yourself and your daughter a huge kindness and keep the name listed the same way you would have before the separation. It doesn’t need to be the topic of conversation every time someone opens the invitation. Let them focus on the simcha. A few more weeks before the news goes public probably won’t hurt you.

SixOfWands

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 11:16 am

rmbg wrote:

Then she's going to need to follow through and do things like continue to casually mention him in conversation, and wear her rings whenever she usually would. And stay in the same home for shabbat sheva brachas. Because while it would be bad to have it come up at invitation time, she surely doesn't want it to become the talk of the wedding

amother

Zinnia

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 12:12 pm

I would write Yossi and Chani Cohen or whatever.
True, you are not together, but you are not yet officially apart, and unless you are changing your last name, the names will remain the same.
I would avoid any Mr. and Mrs. It’s too much emphasis on the marital connection.

I was actually shocked to see the link provided above to the Martha Stewart etiquette. She must be really old school. I haven’t come across many women lately who agree to be called Mrs. Richard Smith or whatever. At least not in my circles. The trend in my area is for women to keep their maiden surname…. certainly none of them are giving up their first name.

amother

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 9:00 pm

To be clear, I HAVE consulted with DD and very much plan on doing whatever works best for her. What she would like to do is whatever will raise the least amount of eyebrows to anyone reading the invite.
Our separation is not a secret so many of the people we're inviting are aware of it. It's also fairly new so many of the people we're inviting are NOT aware of it (as we haven't taken an ad out in the paper or anything like that). I had thought it might be strange to the people who DO know about it if we write the standard Moshe and Chaya Schwartz request the honor of your presence .... but it seems everyone here is saying that it's fine so we will likely do that.

Thank you for your input!

amother

Charcoal

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 9:10 pm

Hatzlacha op and Mazal tov.

Sorry you have to be doing this simultaneously but you sound like you are focused and strong.

I agree that the invitation should stay as neutral as possible since nothing is officially finalized.

You do need to be prepared for ppls reactions at the wedding- walking down etc.

amother

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 9:45 pm

amother [ Charcoal ] wrote:

As we are still halachically married, and are able to be civil and kind to each other, we are planning on both walking her down the to the chuppah. I didn't think anyone would react to that at all, am I wrong?

tigerwife

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 9:52 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If you are walking her down together, just put your names together on the invite. No one will raise eyebrows to that. Separating your names pre official divorce announcement will raise much more eyebrows.

I disagree that this means you will have to pretend to be happily married. It’s just the difference between a little bit of a deal and no deal at all.

amother

Charcoal

Thu, Dec 02 2021, 9:55 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Then for sure names together- good for you for keeping it civil for your daughter.

essie14

Fri, Dec 03 2021, 12:02 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I know plenty of couples who are divorced for years and not on good terms with each other who walk down their kids together because that's what the child wants.
It's great. No one should react to that.
Mazal tov!