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My 5 year old never cleans up-update pg 6
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SG18




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Dec 04 2021, 7:46 pm
amother [ Hyacinth ] wrote:
op, I read the whole thread and am wondering if this is your oldest child? Because your expectations seem rather high for a five year old.

Regarding the post quoted above: This is a good idea to work step by step — but instead of Week 1, Week 2, Week 3 and Week 4, make it Month 1, Month 2, Month 3, Month 4.
Also, I'd start with "putting plate away after dinner" for Week 1, as it's the easiest. (I'm assuming you mean "put plate in sink" — please don't expect her to wash it.)

As to which part she needs help with, the answer is: all of it. She needs your help and encouragement, repeatedly, with love and patience. Don't expect perfection and some of the time, don't expect anything.


Good points. Even though these might not seem like big things to OP, for a child who is being taught a new skill that you would like to stick, it will take longer than a week.
And you need to be there, encouraging her, throughout. When you make it something that we do together, that we can connect over, it has a much higher chance of success.

OP, this won't be easy. You're teaching a new skill. There's a reason it's come to this point- it won't happen passively. But by putting in the extra work now, you can give your child the tools that she needs.
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amother




Purple
 

Post Sat, Dec 04 2021, 8:01 pm
SafeAtLast wrote:
Yes they are usually abused. When they grow up they all say they had no childhood.

And by that point they are usually estranged from their parents as well.
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octopus




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Dec 04 2021, 8:44 pm
Five year olds can absolutely clean up their toys, they do this all the time in school. However, teachers don't allow every single toy and craft out at the same time. And supervision occurs during playtime to make sure things don't get too crazy and most certainly supervision and directions take place during cleanup. I'm not sure it's a reasonable expectation for a five year old to clean up after themselves every single time without adult direction.

As far as my own kids I'm not one to talk. If I ever want them to clean up I usually have to get after them although once in a while they surprise me. But my point is that many times kids need direct instruction when it comes to clean up and most times won't do it on their own.
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amother




Holly
 

Post Sat, Dec 04 2021, 8:54 pm
OP, I had a similar situation to yours when my kids were young. I put most of their toys in my room in medium plastic bins, they could trade me one bin for another. I also had these big drawstring play mats so they could spread out their toys (contents of one bin only so it didn’t get out of control) and then just close up the drawstring when they were done and put the whole bag/mat into the bin to dump it out. I googled and saw they still sell these mats - could be useful for you.

No arts and crafts, playdough, etc. unless an adult or a teen helper is supervising!! Otherwise it gets to be a huge mess.

Setting up a schedule was very helpful. I posted it on the fridge at eye level, with pictures. So it had things like snack time, playtime, suppertime, homework, bath, story. That way the kids knew that at a certain time we eat supper, and they knew they had to clean up their toys before supper. Kids thrive on routines.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Dec 04 2021, 8:54 pm
My DD taught her kids to clean up by giving each child one job. one does magna tiles. another clics. etc. then they get a treat when all toys are put away. now kids her 4 kids age 3 - 7 can clean up playroom without any guidance.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Dec 04 2021, 9:03 pm
OP are toys easy to put away?

proper containers?
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dena613




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Dec 04 2021, 10:54 pm
amother [ Hyacinth ] wrote:
op, I read the whole thread and am wondering if this is your oldest child? Because your expectations seem rather high for a five year old.

Regarding the post quoted above: This is a good idea to work step by step — but instead of Week 1, Week 2, Week 3 and Week 4, make it Month 1, Month 2, Month 3, Month 4.
Also, I'd start with "putting plate away after dinner" for Week 1, as it's the easiest. (I'm assuming you mean "put plate in sink" — please don't expect her to wash it.)

As to which part she needs help with, the answer is: all of it. She needs your help and encouragement, repeatedly, with love and patience. Don't expect perfection and some of the time, don't expect anything.


Absolutely!!!
I also thought one week at a time was not feasible or reasonable.these are habits that take years!!

More tips for the toys:
Set an alarm to ring on your phone every night when you want clean up to happen. Say, an hour before bedtime.

Don't make her cleanup by herself. At least start her off with your help

Turn on happy, fast music, and say things like, this is a 4.5 min song. Can we put away all the dolls before the song ends?! (Obviously choose small enough bite sized jobs that she should finish at about 3.5-4 min)

Absolutely lock toy cabinet
Absolutely lock craft cabinet

Have designated places where toys are asked, e.g. Her bedroom and the living room.
No more than 2 rooms

It's it so terrible if her room is a mess? Maybe fire your sanity let that be the crazy room that cleans up once a week, unlike common loving space that is cleaned nightly.

Re. Dishes.

This is not a biggie at all. Just takes modeling and reminding.

Same thing with the school things- I'm assuming you mean out hw back in backpack?

She won't be working on ANY of these on autopilot, but if you start her off on ask tasks by helping her and making it a fun routine, you'll be better set for succees
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LovesHashem




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 1:06 am
SafeAtLast wrote:
Yes they are usually abused. When they grow up they all say they had no childhood.


There's actually a fascinating story by a gymnast who was born without legs and given up at birth. She was adopted by a loving family who told her she could do whatever she wanted. She said I want to be a gymnast. She watched proffesional gymnastics all the time and even had a favorite one she followed.

Her parents knew it was would difficult if not impossible to become a gymnast without legs but they pushed her to follow her dreams and got her classes. She ended up becoming really proffesional and famous and she always acreditted it to her parents who supported whatever she wanted. She always spoke about how much her parents loved her no matter what and and would support whtvr she did. As an adult she finally met her favorite gymnast and discovered that they were sisters.

Her sister told her and has said this on camera that she is lucky to be adopted as their shared parents were abusive and neglectful.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 9:54 pm
Just came back to reassure whoever really is worried about my daughter that she is doing quite well. No she isn't neglected. She gets dressed, bathed, fed (her favorite foods), put to bed with stories. She has clean laundry. We do playdates a lot with mostly her friends coming to us because she likes her mommy a lot. She has lots of toys (oh right, you knew that) we play together. Her favorite game she plays with me is Guess Who and she usually wins. She loves telling me all about her day in school. When mommy rests on the couch she plays near me (mostly she whispers to me because she didn't want to wake me). No, she isn't my maid. And I don't plan to make her one. Our house is a typical house. Some things in my house are better than yours and some are worse.

Do you feel better now?

But then, maybe I'm just lying? How would you really know????
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amother




Freesia
 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 10:21 pm
I’m sorry for the ableism on this thread op. You seem like a great mom. You were struggling with her making messes so you came here for help. Which is a lot braver than what most of us here would do. I’ve had times when I could have used advice from the board but I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the judgment and ableism that was sure to come.

Thank you for posting. I learned from this thread as well.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 10:26 pm
amother [ Freesia ] wrote:
I’m sorry for the ableism on this thread op. You seem like a great mom. You were struggling with her making messes so you came here for help. Which is a lot braver than what most of us here would do. I’ve had times when I could have used advice from the board but I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the judgment and ableism that was sure to come.

Thank you for posting. I learned from this thread as well.


Yeah Heart
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creditcards




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 10:38 pm
Blessing1 wrote:
I didn't mean to be hurtful, but I guess the truth hurts. You said you need your 5 year old kindergarten kid to do what you're supposed to be doing because you physically can't. This pains me to read. I'm pained for the little kid. If you physically can't do what you're supposed to be doing, you must hire help instead of burdening a kindergarten kid. This is not fair or healthy for the child. We want our kids to do age appropriate chores because it's good for them, not because mom physically can't do it. And if a 5 year old doesn't want to do even age appropriate chores, she shouldn't be forced or trained to do them.


Interesting you say this. I always say my kids are not capable of cleaning up and I can't either. We either have a cleaning lady or a messy house. I don't expect my kids to do what I can't. ( They got my adhd genes) Funny thing is everyone keeps telling me that I need to train my kids to clean up.
Here OP is trying to train her kids and everyone is telling her the opposite.
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creditcards




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 10:48 pm
Blessing1 wrote:
OP made it our business when starting this thread and apparently OP isn't interested in hearing advice about the well being of her child. She just wants to her advice about making her own life easier.


Give the advice she asked about. She never asked you advice about caring for the child. She asked how to get her child to clean up her toys, and how to teach it to her in a pleasant way without charts.
Why don't we just give her the advice she asked for?
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creditcards




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Dec 05 2021, 10:57 pm
Zehava wrote:
Unfortunately neglect can come about even without malicious intent. Fact is, if a mother can’t physically care for her child then it’s reasonable to ask how the child is being cared for.


What are you gaining by asking?
Do you think mom doesn't know that her child needs to be taken care of? If she comes asking how to take care of her child give her that advice. Hurting and insulting mom won't get her anywhere. If she has no energy to properly take care of her child, she won't magically have the energy because of some insulting comments over here.


Last edited by creditcards on Mon, Dec 06 2021, 1:17 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Dec 06 2021, 9:08 am
Thank you Credit Cards.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sat, Dec 11 2021, 8:46 pm
Update. My husband is putting a lock on the toy closet. I told my daughter that besides for her dolls, doll clothing and carriages every week e will have 3 toys in her room. If she wants to switch one in she can during the week. I put the doll house accessories high up out of reach. Keeping about 10 games in her room on a higher shelf and some puzzles. Books and games I'm keeping unlocked. Crafts mostly I want to keep locked besides for crayons/markers/papers/scissors/glue.

What actually got me here was the realization that I matter. That I don't need to kill myself for her. That she will live even without every single toy out that she wants. Oh yes, and also the realization that I'm going to lose my mind trying to get her to clean up.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Dec 11 2021, 9:12 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Update. My husband is putting a lock on the toy closet. I told my daughter that besides for her dolls, doll clothing and carriages every week e will have 3 toys in her room. If she wants to switch one in she can during the week. I put the doll house accessories high up out of reach. Keeping about 10 games in her room on a higher shelf and some puzzles. Books and games I'm keeping unlocked. Crafts mostly I want to keep locked besides for crayons/markers/papers/scissors/glue.

What actually got me here was the realization that I matter. That I don't need to kill myself for her. That she will live even without every single toy out that she wants. Oh yes, and also the realization that I'm going to lose my mind trying to get her to clean up.

Yep
Good thinking Applause
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amother




Peru
 

Post Sat, Dec 11 2021, 9:25 pm
If you’re not available after school to give her attention, what can she do besides play with her toys? I worry you’re not leaving her enough to play with.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sat, Dec 11 2021, 9:46 pm
amother [ Peru ] wrote:
If you’re not available after school to give her attention, what can she do besides play with her toys? I worry you’re not leaving her enough to play with.


Did you not even read my post? She has currently in her room doll carriages, about ten dolls. A deep bucket full of doll clothes and accessories, puzzles, about 20 books, craft paper, markers, crayons, about 10 games and 3 other toys. She has friends over a lot and I play with her and read to her (which surprisingly takes a lot less energy than cleaning up toys)
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amother




OP
 

Post Sat, Dec 11 2021, 9:50 pm
Zehava wrote:
Yep
Good thinking Applause


No thanks to you. You gave me a complex and I was actually less clam around her after this thread. However, all those posters saying that IT'S OK to lock up most toys.. It was swimming in my head. The empathy and the permission and me just being able to recover from the negativity here is what got me to that place.

I'm being Dan Likaf Zechus that you meant well but you caused both me and my daughter damage.
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