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amother
OP
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 Sat, Dec 04 2021, 11:39 am
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Is it fair to accept an invitation from someone on shabbos for a meal if there is no eirav and my toddler will definitely cry & scream 25 minutes to and 25 mins back from the meal?
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#Happymom
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Sat, Dec 04 2021, 11:46 am
I wouldn't.
I just said no to a bar mitzva because I doubt my just turned 2yo will manage the walk (15-20 mins)
It is hard without an eiruv!!
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imaima
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Sat, Dec 04 2021, 12:01 pm
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I never accepted invites if it didn't work for my family. What's the point. Noone will have a good time.
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Heyaaa
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Sat, Dec 04 2021, 1:07 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | Is it fair to accept an invitation from someone on shabbos for a meal if there is no eirav and my toddler will definitely cry & scream 25 minutes to and 25 mins back from the meal? |
No it's not fair to your kid. Why don't you invite them to a Rosh Chodesh dinner instead?
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Stars
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Sat, Dec 04 2021, 2:54 pm
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Fair to who? the toddler? No. To you? No. Who else counts?
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SG18
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Sat, Dec 04 2021, 3:30 pm
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No, it's not fair to your child
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simcha2
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Sat, Dec 04 2021, 3:30 pm
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Shabbat ends early. Can you just stay until the end of shabbat and only walk one way?
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amother
Emerald
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Sat, Dec 04 2021, 3:54 pm
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Thank them ,explain why it doesn't work, and make plans to try to do a meal on yom tov.
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amother
Dandelion
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Sat, Dec 04 2021, 4:26 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | Is it fair to accept an invitation from someone on shabbos for a meal if there is no eirav and my toddler will definitely cry & scream 25 minutes to and 25 mins back from the meal? |
25 min in 1 stretch is a really long walk for a toddler unless you're using toddler to mean a 6 year old, and even then its too far probably. Can you invite them to come to you instead or wait till a yontif?
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amother
OP
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Sun, Dec 05 2021, 2:40 am
They keep inviting us almost every week.
They just expect us to come with or without our toddler. They even suggest that we leave our toddler with a neighbor 🙄
I didn't think it was fair to do it to DC, I guess I'm right.
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abound
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Sun, Dec 05 2021, 2:45 am
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So then tell them once and for all that until your son is about 5 or 8 depending on how much he likes to walk you wont be able to come by on shabbos and invite them to you. If they keep calling, tell them again that shabbat is family time so you wont leave your child and you cannot come.
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imaima
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Sun, Dec 05 2021, 2:49 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | They keep inviting us almost every week.
They just expect us to come with or without our toddler. They even suggest that we leave our toddler with a neighbor 🙄
I didn't think it was fair to do it to DC, I guess I'm right. |
It is not unheard of to leave a toddler or baby with a sitter because they cannot walk so far.
This is a good solution.
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SG18
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Sun, Dec 05 2021, 2:55 am
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I wouldn't leave the baby with someone else. We're a family unit. Just like you wouldn't leave your husband home if he wasn't feeling up to the walk. Invite them to you instead.
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imaima
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Sun, Dec 05 2021, 3:01 am
| SG2189 wrote: | | I wouldn't leave the baby with someone else. We're a family unit. Just like you wouldn't leave your husband home if he wasn't feeling up to the walk. Invite them to you instead. |
I think it is up to the parents to decide. They should assess whether they want to enjoy the company of these people while their child can have a good time with a trusted caregiver that will keep their needs in mind, or they stick to celebrating shabbos as a family in all circumstances. Both are valid options. One shabbos meal spent without parents does not ruin a child or a family unit.
From OP's wording it seems that she doesn't really want to go anyway.
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amother
Stonewash
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Sun, Dec 05 2021, 3:13 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | They keep inviting us almost every week.
They just expect us to come with or without our toddler. They even suggest that we leave our toddler with a neighbor 🙄
I didn't think it was fair to do it to DC, I guess I'm right. |
Definitely don't take your toddler to their home if they view him/ her as an inconvenience that needs to be dealt with.
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amother
Dandelion
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Sun, Dec 05 2021, 3:13 am
| imaima wrote: | It is not unheard of to leave a toddler or baby with a sitter because they cannot walk so far.
This is a good solution. |
Maybe for a simcha. Not just for "we'd like to have you for lunch and we're more important than your toddler"
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amother
OP
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Sun, Dec 05 2021, 3:28 am
| amother [ Dandelion ] wrote: | | Maybe for a simcha. Not just for "we'd like to have you for lunch and we're more important than your toddler" |
We've left DC behind in the past for a simcha. But like you say, this is just a random shabbos meal, I'm really put off by this insistent behaviour. Our toddler is more important to us than having a good time, this is just part of life, until the children can all walk comfortably, we can't really be invited for shabbos.
I don't see why they can't accept this, they had young children too & were in the same situation.
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amother
Dandelion
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Sun, Dec 05 2021, 3:32 am
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Just rinse and repeat “we can’t come for shabbos lunch, would you like to come to us or can we take a rain check for shavuos?”
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imaima
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Sun, Dec 05 2021, 4:04 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | We've left DC behind in the past for a simcha. But like you say, this is just a random shabbos meal, I'm really put off by this insistent behaviour. Our toddler is more important to us than having a good time, this is just part of life, until the children can all walk comfortably, we can't really be invited for shabbos.
I don't see why they can't accept this, they had young children too & were in the same situation. |
BTDT and I have done both: refused to come to people and took a sitter to attend a meal.
It really boiled down to what I wanted more: make sure my toddler has their perfect schedule or enjoy adult company.
Frankly speaking the more kids I had (and the longer I stayed home with my toddlers and babies), the more I appreciated invitations and realized that absolutely nothing happens to a child under 3 when they stay at home, have their regular routine and nap while dh and I have a great time. But again, it is very individual, depending on the week and my child's mood.
So it doesn't necessarily mean that these people are clueless idiots who don't understand toddlers.
I also don't see that they view the toddler as an inconvenience: they did invite the whole family! The problem is that the distance is not walkable both ways for the child.
Other solutions would be: to put the child to nap in their house so that he/she is rested and can walk back home; to stay in their home till the end of the shabbos; to arrange a Sunday brunch or a yom tov meal together; to invite them to you.
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amother
Sapphire
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Sun, Dec 05 2021, 5:29 am
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We don’t have an Eruv and I don’t even take my kids down the block. I would never consider such a long walk with no Eruv. Tell them they can come to you but you aren’t accepting invitations until your youngest is older.
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