Home

S/O- forced to like a name
Previous  1, 2, 3
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


WhatFor




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 11:51 pm
amother [ Begonia ] wrote:
My MIL passed away a year ago. If (with gds help) I get pregnant and it’s a girl, yes, I ‘have’ to
Name for her. It’s not a name I like. It’s Yiddish for one. But we can’t not name for
My husbands mother. I’m hoping I can convince him to add a (Hebrew) name and use that but I don’t know if he’ll
Go
For it. So yes I have to name
For my MIL


But you don't 'have' to name for her. You're choosing to name for her. And there's no issue with that. You want to honor your DH and MIL and this is a choice you're making.

In the book "feel the fear and do it anyway" there's a chapter on the words we use and how it affects our subconscious mind. "Have to" is a passive, weak word. In this thread, it's being construed by some to mean you have no choice, that you're somehow being forced to name after someone.

That's not the case. This is a choice you're making. In most cases it's a choice, even in cases where people feel "forced". They're choosing to not fight a certain battle and name their child a name they hate. It matters though because seeing it through the "choose to" lens is the first step to feeling empowered and recognize what elements of our life we control. Although some people have more difficult choices to make than others.
Back to top

amother




Hawthorn
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 11:52 pm
amother [ Tiffanyblue ] wrote:
It's not a random concept from a particular seminary. There's a sefer in where this is discussed. I forget the name at the moment, I'll have to ask my father again for the name of it. That sefer says exactly what the seminary taught the poster. It's the mother and father who should name the child, and if there's a disagreement between husband and wife, the wife's choice takes precedence.

There is also the concept that the mother is granted special ruach hakodesh to find the right name for the child. If the mother doesn't feel the name is right for the baby, then the name shouldn't be given.

Children are very well aware of the tradition of passing down names. If children choose not to do it, they have a reason for it. Grandparents shouldn't be pressuring their children to name them after their choices.


Op listed a very specific shitta from seminary that she lives by that the mother gets the first name because she carried and nurtured the baby for 9 months.

Regardless of what sefer says that, or what you're quoting, that is not the be-all, end-all toras Moshe misinai that overrules all other minhag and consideration. I don't know what sefer it is, because you didn't list it, but for all I know it's chassidish/chabad/Ashkenazi or whatever and limited. Or it says it's a "hanhaga tova" a nice behavior or something. It's definitely not a shulchan aruch/Mishna berura/rishonim and major poskim.

My family does NOT have a tradition of passing down names (sephadic) and dh and I choose together a name that is meaningful. We did once ask dh's rav (an Ashkenazi yeshivishe posek) about the ruach hakodesh aspect and he was of the opinion that we don't think about that nowadays and each family has to take circumstances into account.

Not saying anyone has to or doesn't have to name after/for relatives and certainly not talking about parents/grandparents harassing and pressuring...but to say that what ***your*** teacher in seminary taught you trumps centuries of mesorah and minhag in this area is ridiculous. Especially because op was apparently triggered by posters who are ok with complying with this minhag and come here to learn more about the name and seeking help falling in love with it. As relieved as I am to personally not have this minhag, good for them that they're finding meaning in family names and applying them happily. May they be blessed!
Back to top

amother




Aubergine
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 11:54 pm
My MIL feels that if you don't name the exact name, you didn't name the name. She was upset at my bro in law for almost a year but didn't cut contact. But she did let them and everyone else know that they didn't name after her father because he wasn't called by that nickname. The night before my son's bris she found out we were going to add a name to her father's and said absolutely not! Don't name after him if you are adding a name. Is she right? Of course not! Want to tell her that?
My brother named after my grandmother but cut one of the 2 names as it was the same name as a relative who is alive. Both my father and grandfather let everyone who asks know that it isn't really after my grandmother because it's not the real name.
Some parents or in laws just don't get it. When they were naming, they took the name, whatever it was. They don't understand this new, thinking generation. Yes, I'd love to make up a name/add a name/change from Yiddish to Hebrew etc. But at what cost? Family strife? Being bad mouthed to the entire neighborhood? Of course it's the baby's parents choice. But sometimes, the fight isn't worth the stubbornness...
Back to top

amother




Tiffanyblue
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 12:01 am
WhatFor wrote:
But you don't 'have' to name for her. You're choosing to name for her. And there's no issue with that. You want to honor your DH and MIL and this is a choice you're making.

In the book "feel the fear and do it anyway" there's a chapter on the words we use and how it affects our subconscious mind. "Have to" is a passive, weak word. In this thread, it's being construed by some to mean you have no choice, that you're somehow being forced to name after someone.

That's not the case. This is a choice you're making. In most cases it's a choice, even in cases where people feel "forced". They're choosing to not fight a certain battle and name their child a name they hate. It matters though because seeing it through the "choose to" lens is the first step to feeling empowered and recognize what elements of our life we control. Although some people have more difficult choices to make than others.


You're equating choosing to be mevater to choosing something of your preference.

That's not a comparison.
Back to top

#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 1:47 am
amother [ Oatmeal ] wrote:
Nope the mitzvah is clear. You as the parent never get to demand anything in the name of kibud av. That’s not a mitzvah. And naming a grandchild isn’t a grandparents right, not is it it a mitzvah to listen.


It is not a mitvah for parents to make demands but it is a Definitely a Mitzvah for children to Honor their parents
Back to top

WhatFor




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 1:47 am
amother [ Tiffanyblue ] wrote:
You're equating choosing to be mevater to choosing something of your preference.

That's not a comparison.


No, I'm highlighting the difference between being forced to do something and making a choice to do something. People act like they're forced to do something when it's actually a choice.
Back to top

amother




Yolk
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 2:31 am
I think it's ok to have family obligations and have some kabolas ol to that! Obviously no one should be ridiculous about it. But I think it's wild that people aren't understanding how yes you do HAVE to name for, for example as listed above, an MIL who passed away recently. Does your desire for a trendy pretty name overtake your husband's (in this example) desire to elevate his mother's neshama?? Sorry the entitlement is staggering.

With my first we discussed names and my husband's grandfather, who he was close to, hadn't been named for yet. As soon as I heard that and knew I didn't absolutely hate the name, it was obvious to me that we would give it, and I never thought twice. I honestly didn't like the name that much but knew it was important & the right thing to do, and yes I've been obsessed with the name & my son ever since (bh!). Recently my grandparent passed away and I honestly don't like that name either, but guess what I'm expecting and no one else is in the family, so if this is a boy he will most definitely bear his name and I will consider it a zchus.

So no not condoning immature behavior on the part of parents/in laws but let's be mature ourselves! We don't exist in a vacuum.

And op this is not directed at you btw, rather some later posters.
Back to top

SG18




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 3:37 am
amother [ Feverfew ] wrote:
The biggest shock to me is that your Sephardic. It’s wayyyy more serious by you guys. U name after the living so it’s a flat out insult to the persons face if you don’t give the name


I'm not sure which community you're referring to, but in DH's Moroccan Israeli family, there's no concept of insult involved. If you feel a connection, you can name after someone who is alive. But no one has ever been insulted because a baby wasn't given their name.
We plan on using names that we feel connected to- of family members alive or no longer, or "random."
But I have names I definitely won't be using, and if someone's ego is bruised, it is what it is.
The baby's neshamah has a name, and it will make itself apparent.
Back to top

ora_43




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 4:28 am
OP, I think you're reading coercion where it doesn't necessarily exist.

Yes, some people have awful relatives who will make their lives miserable if they don't give a certain name. Or will just pout and sulk and generally act like they were entitled to name someone else's child, when they absolutely weren't.

But a lot of times it's more of an internal pressure to give a name, because you know how much it would mean to someone close to you. Like, if you know that it would mean the world to your husband, who you love, to name after someone he loved who died, of course you want to find a way to make it happen. Of course you want to at least try not to dislike the name.

Same, albeit on a much lower level, if it's a parent or in-law parent who would love to see a certain name passed on.

Sure, you don't have to, but - how many good relationships have you seen that are based only on what people have to do for each other? 'Have to' is the relationship I have with random strangers, or disliked coworkers. Every other relationship involves going above and beyond at least a little bit.
Back to top

amother




Hawthorn
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 6:44 am
amother [ Feverfew ] wrote:
The biggest shock to me is that your Sephardic. It’s wayyyy more serious by you guys. U name after the living so it’s a flat out insult to the persons face if you don’t give the name


Not all sephardim do this. At all. I'm sephardic and married to a sephardi and I'd never ever heard of this minhag until I moved near the Syrian community in Brooklyn.

(Growing up it once in a while someone on the community was named for/after someone, but it was far, far from the rule and it was more often after someone who had recently passed away. If someone named for someone living, it would only be for the father of the husband/wife and it would be with prior verbal permission, as per the Ben ish chai.)
Back to top

amother




Dimgray
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 6:50 am
My in-laws have tried to convince us to name our children certain names. It was totally wrong of them and we did not listen to them.

However, there certainly are times you "have to" name a certain name. As someone else here said, if you or your dh loses a parent, especially if the yasom wants to name after the parent, how can anyone be selfish enough to say no? Because the name is not your favorite? Come on! Naming after a beloved parent or grandparent is such a special thing. There is a connection between the child's neshama and the niftar's neshama. It is a real kavod to name after a loved one.

Listen to Shea Rubinstein's song about when he named after his father. Maybe that will help you understand how special it is. https://www.youtube.com/watch?.....stein
Back to top

amother




Viola
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 8:30 am
amother [ Pear ] wrote:
I'm the op of the thread about name leah. No one is forcing or even hinting to me to name after my grandmother. If the name was unusual/uncommon I'd for sure not name after, but because it's such a typical nice name I'd like to come to like it more


I'm in exactly your boat. due soon and MUST give a name I really dislike, despite it being common I just really really dont like it. I guess I can do what I want but I dont want to find out what will happen after said parent hears that we didnt give her parents name. it won't be pretty.

so in my head I keep practicing and playing the name over and over in the hope of getting to a place of acceptance but so far it's not helping.

I'm also having in mind that since I'm being mevater something that is important to me (giving a name I like) I should see a yeshua in something else that's on my mind. I'm not playing g-d but I'm hoping it's a zchus to keep shalom in the family and make this parent happy.
Back to top

amother




Jasmine
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 9:52 am
amother [ Oatmeal ] wrote:
It doesn't fall under kibud av, I suggest you learn the halachos so that you don't have to be a slave to their demands


Wrong. Naming a child after a parent does fall under kibbud av. We asked about this after my son was born. He is named for my fil who passed away very young and we were wondering if we would need to change the name because of that. We were told that because its kibbud av we don't have to
Back to top

amother




Daisy
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 11:09 am
Sometimes, the pressure is so great without the parents saying anything explicit but there is this underlying expectation.
My husband's maternal grandmother passed away tragically before any of her children were married. Every single one of her children and grandchildren gave her name to their firstborn daughter. I will be the first not to.
I hate the name for starters and her whole death is such a taboo topic, skeleton in the closet type.
Some young grandchildren don't even know that their grandfather's wife is not their biological grandmother. I don't want my daughter's name to be an akward topic. I hope Im being fair and my mother in law will understand.
Back to top

amother




Pearl
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 11:57 am
Delete
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 10:23 pm
thank you ladies
I think im also not really relating to many of your posts because I didnt grow up frum with a sense of naming after grandparents for an aliyas neshama. my parents named us names they liked. I named my baby a name I loved. I didnt think to name her after my MIL or mother. and no not all sefardim name after their in laws whoever said that earlier...

my syrian friend just had a baby girl and her FIL insisted and demanded she name the baby after his mother. I found is so laughable I was rolling. like helloo is that normal for you to say to your DIL? and bh my friend stood up for herself and didnt choose the name bc the lady was quite a horrid woman to begin with.

I understanding naming after someone who was a special person, wanting your baby to emulate their middos... but I still really dont understand why anyone feels "forced" or that they "have" to give that name.

I guess to each their own. I was just trying to understand this particular "minhag" in certain communities...
Back to top
Previous  1, 2, 3 Recent Topics

Page 3 of 3 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Last Letter Last Name 1587 Today at 9:33 am View last post
S/O Last Letter First Name 2248 Yesterday at 2:44 pm View last post
S/O Last letter, name a mood swing or feeling
by simcha4
1394 Yesterday at 2:35 pm View last post
Last Letter Name a Place 2637 Yesterday at 2:20 pm View last post
Psychology of imitation brand name
by amother
26 Thu, Jan 13 2022, 9:59 pm View last post