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My bochur in Israel is smoking regularly and I’m sad
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 11:12 pm
He knows I so badly didn’t want him to. Therefore he only told DH because he didn’t want to cause me pain. But DH slipped and told me. And I’m sad. I know how terribly unhealthy it is. I don’t think his future kallah will appreciate it. Or his future kids. Why is it still the norm? Why isn’t it illegal like drugs? I’m really sad. Nothing I will say or do will change it. Crying Twisted Evil
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 11:16 pm
I heard there was some amazing anti-smoking book (maybe written by frum person?)
that is very effective.

Anybody know the name?
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 11:18 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
I heard there was some amazing anti-smoking book (maybe written by frum person?)
that is very effective.

Anybody know the name?

Is that effective once they already smoke and love doing it? Or it prevents from starting? Do you think a 20 year old will look at that book? Or laugh from his worried mom...?
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amother




DarkMagenta
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 11:42 pm
I think most bachurim by now smoke e-cigs which supposedly isn't as dangerous. Unfortunately, as parents, there's nothing we can do to stop our boys from smoking.
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Cookin4days




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 11:44 pm
Hopefully it’s a phase that he’ll grow out of it happens
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Dec 07 2021, 11:47 pm
Cookin4days wrote:
Hopefully it’s a phase that he’ll grow out of it happens

Don’t they get just more and more addicted?
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Cookin4days




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 12:03 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Don’t they get just more and more addicted?


I don’t know your son so I can’t answer for him but most boys I know that did start smoking in Israel weren’t addicted they just did it because everyone else did it. Hopefully your son is just doing it socially and not getting addicted to it. There’s nothing you can do, you can voice your opinion on the matter but ultimately it’s up to him to stop. Once the boys realize it’s not cool they’ll stop but till then just pray he quits it quick
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amother




Daphne
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 12:48 am
It’s extremely common in yeshivos especially if they go off to Israel. Don’t panic about it
Is your son home or away?
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amother




Honey
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 1:57 am
amother [ Daphne ] wrote:
It’s extremely common in yeshivos especially if they go off to Israel. Don’t panic about it
Is your son home or away?


Just because something is common doesn't make it right. Smoking is unhealthy and addictive. Of course it's a cause for concern.
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twizzlers1




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 2:02 am
It is definitely addictive. I don't know which person above said it's not. It literally takes just one cigarette to be addictive. That is why so many people have trouble stopping. They want to but it is extremely challenging. I really think the only way to do it is to go cold turkey. That's what my dad did most 50 years ago and he said he still has cravings for cigarettes. He knew it wasn't healthy so he stopped but that doesn't mean it was easy or that he still doesn't want 150 years later. Keep davening. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do and I would be extremely sad as well. Husband and I have never even tried to cigarette in our lives but I had a son that did and he did stop. So it is possible.
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 2:56 am
Most boys in yeshiva in Israel smoke... sorry to burst your bubbles 🤷‍♀️

And yes, majority of them stop when they go back to America for shidduchim.
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amother




DarkGreen
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 3:23 am
I smoked as a teen and then stopped. It's entirely possible. And if his future kallah is anti, you'll have another person on your team! Remember that being a dorm situation, where "everyone" is doing something, differs from a home environment.

Tracht Gut Vet Zein Gut.
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amother




Daffodil
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 3:34 am
I remember hearing once in a shiur how this Israeli Rav was concerned that his sons might start to smoke in yeshiva. From about Bar Mitzvah onwards he would take them regularly to volunteer in the oncology wards, and specifically to visit patients with advanced lung cancer. None of his son's ever smoked. They saw first hand what it can lead to.
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Roots




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 3:48 am
if it gives you any nechama, my husband smoked as a bochur, it was more of a social thing. he didnt smoke all day but e did his fairshare with the chevra
he stopped by shidduchim
hell occasionally take a smoke with his friends still , but its rare. maybe two three times a year..
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amother




Kiwi
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 6:02 am
#BestBubby wrote:
I heard there was some amazing anti-smoking book (maybe written by frum person?)
that is very effective.

Anybody know the name?

There is a fantastic book originally written for the general public, Alan Carr's easy way to stop smoking, which has a Hebrew version of the book adapted specifically for Yesgiva bochurim and which is sold for cost prices in Jerusalem. Is that the one you mean?
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DVOM




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 6:28 am
When I married him, my (Israeli) husband was a heavy smoker.

He stopped cold turkey when I was pregnant with our first and hasn't smoked since, though he says he definitely craves cigs every now and then. It can be done, and hopefully your son will have what it takes to stop.

It's so hard to watch our kids make bad choices. I love my boys so much, and that sometimes makes me wish I could control them forever. I know I can't. One of my son's is very overweight. I set limits and provide lots of healthy food options, but I can't control this. Our kids have their own mistakes to make and their own lives to live. It's really hard.
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amother




Daphne
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:23 am
amother [ Honey ] wrote:
Just because something is common doesn't make it right. Smoking is unhealthy and addictive. Of course it's a cause for concern.


OMG I didn’t say it’s ok. But when your whole society does it, it is almost impossible to address with your son.
Most of them stop after yeshiva , that’s why nobody makes a big deal out of it.
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amother




Amaranthus
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:28 am
I heard hypnosis helps a lot
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small bean




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:31 am
OP, im with you. I dont understand why smoking is still allowed in our yeshivos.

My son in 7th grade has kids in his class who smoke.
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amother




Antiquewhite
 

Post Wed, Dec 08 2021, 7:57 am
It's extremely difficult to watch our children engage in self-destructive behavior. But at some point we have to step back and let them learn through their mistakes or experiences.
I recently told mine I wish I could wrap them in a big bubble for the next bunch of years. They didn't appreciate that sentiment.
The ones who will smoke, will smoke regardless of my fears and opinions. They will drink, dress, act, in many ways that they know I disapprove of. A mother only has so much influence. It's part of growing up and creating their own independent identity. It nervewracking but that's life.
I tell my teens since that they are responsible for the consequences of the choices they make. Not me. I love helping them out and I will anytime but I do not have a magic wand to instantly put things back together after they make a wrong choice.
And I step back. You don't want to daven today? I cannot force you to make the right decision, I want it to come from you. You are late to school because you didn't want to set your alarm, you will have to face the principal without me. You are rude to a teacher, you will have to fix the situation. I can give tips, reminders, help out in other ways, but I will not be a catch-all basket for poor decisions.
It's hard, really really hard to sit on your hands and watch from a distance.
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