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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names
Family member on husband's side requested specific name...
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 3:07 am
And for those who asked/mentioned that "family member" was vague... Yes it's his parents... Just feels like that makes it harder.. It's not like an aunt/uncle who are child won't often interact with... But I'm gonna stick to my guns!!
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 3:18 am
If it's not an objectively ugly name, and your in-laws usually respect boundaries, I would use it and then call the child by the other name. You have the opportunity to make them happy.

If they are going to be pushy and insist on using the name rather than just being grateful that you gave it, then give another name. You're setting yourself up for a life of being a doormat.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 3:42 am
amother [ Indigo ] wrote:
If it's not an objectively ugly name, and your in-laws usually respect boundaries, I would use it and then call the child by the other name. You have the opportunity to make them happy.

If they are going to be pushy and insist on using the name rather than just being grateful that you gave it, then give another name. You're setting yourself up for a life of being a doormat.


I explained above, we won't be calling by the other name because my husband isn't crazy about it, but agreed to it because of a situation we went through that it describes perfectly. I'm not making him call his child by a name he doesn't like so much, and I don't want to have to call our child a name I don't like!
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salt




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 3:44 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I explained above, we won't be calling by the other name because my husband isn't crazy about it, but agreed to it because of a situation we went through that it describes perfectly. I'm not making him call his child by a name he doesn't like so much, and I don't want to have to call our child a name I don't like!


2 names you and/or DH don't like is a bit much!
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 3:44 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I explained above, we won't be calling by the other name because my husband isn't crazy about it, but agreed to it because of a situation we went through that it describes perfectly. I'm not making him call his child by a name he doesn't like so much, and I don't want to have to call our child a name I don't like!


Ok, so you've made up your mind. May it be with mazal.
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 4:52 am
I just want to add that so often situations feel uncomfortable because we don't have the confidence to deal with them properly.

Remember to be kind to them when you tell them, and if they feel negative, your side of the street is clean.

"Dear MIL and FIL, we love you so much and respect that you have a dear relative who was important to you. She must have been a lovely woman. However, we feel that a different name reflects our situation. Hashem gives ruach hakodesh to the parents when choosing a name, and we feel this name is the most suited to our precious baby. We hope you are an important part of her life, as you are an important part of ours."
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rachelli66




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 5:14 am
My Parents never ever requested from any of their children to name for a relative. To this day, now, my siblings (and myself) will never request from our children to name for any relatives. You gave birth, its your privilege to name.
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amother
DarkKhaki


 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 5:39 am
I’m surprised everyone is so adamant the in-laws are wrong and overstepping. It’s a very common and normal request to name after family and especially someone not named for yet. Obviously they shouldn’t demand it and be pushy to you but that’s not what it sounds like they’re doing. We always discussed names with my parents or in-laws, it’s respectful and nice to include them if you can, (and they’re the ones that actually know all the great-grandma’s names!)
Ultimately you have to like the name so you can ask them for another choice if you want to be nice and just explain you don’t like the first name they suggested.
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 5:40 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Which I really dislike Sad gonna ask our rav what to do. We know gender of baby. Family member doesn't, but said "if it's a _____, we were going to request such and such name because no one in the family has been named after her yet, and it would make us very happy". That's nice. It's my kid. We already picked a second name, so this would be a first name, and I already told my husband we don't have to call our child by the name I picked, because he's not crazy about it but agreed to it because it's related to a situation we went through. But I can't call my child by this other name😭😭 what to do!?

Gonna ask our rav too, but wanna know what you'd do...


This relative has to know their place.
You absolutely don't have to take this opinion into account. I hope the rav tells you the same.
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 5:42 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks all! I do wholeheartedly agree with everything you are saying, and figured this would be the general consensus Smile I guess I'm worried about the ramifications of not naming that name, and potentially hurting someone in the process. I'd hate for anyone to have a bad feeling toward our child every time they will be interacting, but not as much as I hate the name Wink I'm gonna hope for the best!


The next pregnant person can use this name...
Maybe they meant it as a suggestion: "If you guys wonder what names haven't been used yet, the ABC relative was'nt named after yet".
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 5:44 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I explained above, we won't be calling by the other name because my husband isn't crazy about it, but agreed to it because of a situation we went through that it describes perfectly. I'm not making him call his child by a name he doesn't like so much, and I don't want to have to call our child a name I don't like!


I feel bad for this child.
Just give her a very cool beautiful name that you both love!!! Just really what is the ideal most perfect name you have always liked??? Name her that. She deserves it.
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amother
Grape


 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 5:47 am
amother [ DarkKhaki ] wrote:
I’m surprised everyone is so adamant the in-laws are wrong and overstepping. It’s a very common and normal request to name after family and especially someone not named for yet. Obviously they shouldn’t demand it and be pushy to you but that’s not what it sounds like they’re doing. We always discussed names with my parents or in-laws, it’s respectful and nice to include them if you can, (and they’re the ones that actually know all the great-grandma’s names!)
Ultimately you have to like the name so you can ask them for another choice if you want to be nice and just explain you don’t like the first name they suggested.


BTDT
It is not easy to tell a MIL in her face that you don't like her father's name. And you will never give a child in the 21st century this name (think very shtetl yiddish name like Fishel).

I couldn't work up the courage. But didn't use the name either.
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amother
DarkKhaki


 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 6:08 am
amother [ Grape ] wrote:
It is not easy to tell a MIL in her face that you don't like her father's name. And you will never give a child in the 21st century this name (think very shtetl yiddish name like Fishel).

I couldn't work up the courage. But didn't use the name either.


But she said it’s a normal tanach name, not a shtetl name, just she personally doesn’t like it. So I don’t think her in-laws are being unreasonable. It could be uncomfortable though for the daughter in law to say this so the husband should be the one to talk to his parents and discuss other options.
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amother
Grape


 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 6:12 am
amother [ DarkKhaki ] wrote:
But she said it’s a normal tanach name, not a shtetl name, just she personally doesn’t like it. So I don’t think her in-laws are being unreasonable. It could be uncomfortable though for the daughter in law to say this so the husband should be the one to talk to his parents and discuss other options.


Yes. I just descibed my BTDT situation.
Agree that dh should have this convo.
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amother
NeonBlue


 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 7:02 am
We had a form of this. Neither side of parents ever requested or commented. Then I gave my fourth kid a name that came from a family member several generations back because I really connected to her based on the stories I had been told, and nobody had named for her. Suddenly, one of the grandparents started telling me stories of a relative that this person connected to, emphasizing what the name was. I listened to the stories and let it be- a connection has it or doesn't.

I wouldn't do a conversation about not liking the name. I would tell the relative thank you but that fyi, dh and I did have something else in mind. Actually, since it's dh's parents, I'd have him do it, unless that means it wouldn't go well. Btw, where does dh stand on this name suggestion? Both using a suggested name and on the name itself? What is his connection to the person who had the name?
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 2:09 pm
imaima wrote:
I feel bad for this child.
Just give her a very cool beautiful name that you both love!!! Just really what is the ideal most perfect name you have always liked??? Name her that. She deserves it.


Lol my husband and I like very different kinds of names😅 he's more of a typical name kinda guy and I'm more shalhevet, atara, adira... So we'll just have to find a nickname we both like Smile
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Ilana Tamar




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 2:24 pm
Been there, though the demand was never voiced. It just hung heavily in the air. It was a name I always knew I would be stuck using for my child from the time I myself was a child and I never considered otherwise. It was a necessary evil.
Then came real life. The child was born and I assumed that would be its name. Until my husband said, "nope, not my child." Until then, it never occurred to me that I even had the option of doing that. But I was very much on board with it.
Before I lost my nerve, I phoned the relative that would be deeply disappointed and relayed the cold hard facts. There was never any outward animosity towards me but I was told that it did take this relative a very long time to get over it.
That says more about them than anything else.........
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amother
Apple


 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 8:05 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Lol my husband and I like very different kinds of names😅 he's more of a typical name kinda guy and I'm more shalhevet, atara, adira... So we'll just have to find a nickname we both like Smile


So then give both: tanach name like H likes (Esther) + Atara

However, Rav Kanievsky shlita says only tanach name are real, and discourage from make your own name. Find a reb you love and u would use same name maybe?
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amother
Lightgray


 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 8:30 pm
amother [ Apple ] wrote:
So then give both: tanach name like H likes (Esther) + Atara

However, Rav Kanievsky shlita says only tanach name are real, and discourage from make your own name. Find a reb you love and u would use same name maybe?


Many gedolim disagree.

R M Nissel says he asked R Moshe Shapiro before naming his daughter Shira, and he told him that it's minhag yisrael to name our daughters after beautiful things.

Just putting it out there because it's interesting that this is the big psak that everyone likes to quote from R' Chaim and I don't really get why. He says other things (like men not wearing watches, for example) that people are pretty quick to ignore.
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amother
Peachpuff


 

Post Wed, Dec 15 2021, 8:43 pm
amother [ DarkKhaki ] wrote:
But she said it’s a normal tanach name, not a shtetl name, just she personally doesn’t like it. So I don’t think her in-laws are being unreasonable. It could be uncomfortable though for the daughter in law to say this so the husband should be the one to talk to his parents and discuss other options.


Of course they're being unreasonable. They want the right to name their grandchild, over the rights of the parents naming their own child.

All the rationalizations in the world don't take away that its an unreasonable demand. Minhag, tradition, parent's name, and what not are all just personal excuses. The only reasonable thing a grandparent can do in this area is have a discussion with their kids. Requesting, expecting, demanding, and other similar forms are unreasonable.

Parents name their children. That's how it is supposed to be. It's not like someone is left out in the field. Every parent gets a turn with their own kids.
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