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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
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amother
OP
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 Sun, Dec 26 2021, 10:24 am
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When one of your kid's friends ask to sleep over for shabbos, do you always allow it? I just said no to a kid. The last time he came he and my son were so wild. This is NOT what I need after a busy week. But then I feel bad......
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shabbatiscoming
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Sun, Dec 26 2021, 10:26 am
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Usually we are fine with it. But it obviously has to be ok with you. Just dont always say no. Having friends sleep over is such a nice memory. And over shabbat is really special, in my opinion.
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amother
Buttercup
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Sun, Dec 26 2021, 10:28 am
Has to be a win win or special occasion or some mitigating factor if so wild.
Gotta be a win win. Or at least good enough.
You can tell your kid the reason and perhaps that will motivate better choices...
You don't have to do it though. Gotta work well enough for you as well.
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amother
Bone
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Sun, Dec 26 2021, 10:30 am
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If you can’t handle a sleepover or something particularly that weekend, consider offering what you are up for this weekend (a meal, the afternoon, etc) or whether you can try for it in a week or two (and then make good on remembering and bringing it back up then).
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amother
Pumpkin
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Sun, Dec 26 2021, 11:01 am
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I don’t allow it. My kids are young (under 10) and shabbos is our family time. They have lots of friends in walking distance and I see no reason to have our privacy invaded. If the parents have to be away or something and asked as a favor, that’s another story.
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amother
Hydrangea
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Sun, Dec 26 2021, 11:08 am
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In the winter, I will offer Motzai Shabbos as an alternative. It's long enough to feel like something, but there are less issues than Shabbos. For Friday night sleepovers, I only allow for kids who will be an ok match for dc or for our family, unless the kid's family needs our help for them to be by us for a specific reason.
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amother
Navy
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Sun, Dec 26 2021, 1:48 pm
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I never had a kid ask to sleep over. I always told my dc "would you like to invite soandso for Shabbat?" and then I would call the kid's mom to invite. If a kid invited himself, I would first call his mom to find out if she's aware he did this and let her know that I prefer to be the one extending the invitation. I would agree to have him over only if it was ok for me, not if it was an inconvenient time and certainly not if he behaved in an objectionable manner during a previous visit. I'm running a private household, not a homeless shelter or home for wayward children.
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amother
NeonPink
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Sun, Dec 26 2021, 1:54 pm
| amother [ Navy ] wrote: | | I never had a kid ask to sleep over. I always told my dc "would you like to invite soandso for Shabbat?" and then I would call the kid's mom to invite. If a kid invited himself, I would first call his mom to find out if she's aware he did this and let her know that I prefer to be the one extending the invitation. I would agree to have him over only if it was ok for me, not if it was an inconvenient time and certainly not if he behaved in an objectionable manner during a previous visit. I'm running a private household, not a homeless shelter or home for wayward children. |
ive never heard something like this in my life...
how does a conversation like this even go?
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amother
Navy
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Sun, Dec 26 2021, 6:04 pm
| amother [ NeonPink ] wrote: | ive never heard something like this in my life...
how does a conversation like this even go? |
Just because some snot-nose kid invites himself to my house I have to agree? I think not! And I would die a thousand deaths if I found out one of my kids invited themselves to someone's house.
This scenario has never happened with school-age kids, though I've had singles in their 20s invite themselves to my house for Shabbos meals.
Nevertheless, the convo would go something like this, I imagine:
Hi, this is Rivka Rosen, may I speak to Mrs. Gluck, please? Oh, Mrs. Gluck, I'm Rivka Rosen, my son Chaimke is in your Shloimie's class. How are you? Fine, Baruch Hashem. Looking forward to intersession. I thought you should know that your Shloimie asked me this afternoon if he can come to us for Shabbos. I didn't have the presence of mind at the time to ask him if he had your permission. Oh, you gave him permission to ask? I see. Well, this is rather awkward. You see, I prefer to extend invitations when it's a good time for me. I don't really appreciate people inviting themselves over--no, it's not because Shloimie is a child, I just feel very put on the spot when people ask if they can sleep over. Sometimes I just want to chill out and spend time connecting with just my husband and kids. Sometimes I have exactly enough food in the freezer for the four of us and am planning a stripped-down easy Shabbos with no extra cooking or bedmaking. Sometimes I just don't want to be sociable. That's why I prefer to do the inviting. No, I'm not offended, chas vesholom! I'm delighted that Shloimie feels so comfortable in our company, but I would really prefer that he wait to be invited. What can I say, my parents brought me up the old-fashioned way, which was you don't invite yourself because that puts people in an uncomfortable situation. I understand some people have a more modern outlook and are ready, willing and able to have guests at any time, but I'm not that geshikt. I like to plan these things in advance, when I know I'll be happy to host. No, I'm sorry, but this week is not going to be a good week for hosting. I'm sorry to disappoint Shloimie, my Chaimke is also disappointed, but hey, kids also need to learn to deal with disappointment. We'll make it another time. Thanks for understanding, Kol tuv.
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groisamomma
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Sun, Dec 26 2021, 6:09 pm
| amother [ Navy ] wrote: | Just because some snot-nose kid invites himself to my house I have to agree? I think not! And I would die a thousand deaths if I found out one of my kids invited themselves to someone's house.
This scenario has never happened with school-age kids, though I've had singles in their 20s invite themselves to my house for Shabbos meals.
Nevertheless, the convo would go something like this, I imagine:
Hi, this is Rivka Rosen, may I speak to Mrs. Gluck, please? Oh, Mrs. Gluck, I'm Rivka Rosen, my son Chaimke is in your Shloimie's class. How are you? Fine, Baruch Hashem. Looking forward to intersession. I thought you should know that your Shloimie asked me this afternoon if he can come to us for Shabbos. I didn't have the presence of mind at the time to ask him if he had your permission. Oh, you gave him permission to ask? I see. Well, this is rather awkward. You see, I prefer to extend invitations when it's a good time for me. I don't really appreciate people inviting themselves over--no, it's not because Shloimie is a child, I just feel very put on the spot when people ask if they can sleep over. Sometimes I just want to chill out and spend time connecting with just my husband and kids. Sometimes I have exactly enough food in the freezer for the four of us and am planning a stripped-down easy Shabbos with no extra cooking or bedmaking. Sometimes I just don't want to be sociable. That's why I prefer to do the inviting. No, I'm not offended, chas vesholom! I'm delighted that Shloimie feels so comfortable in our company, but I would really prefer that he wait to be invited. What can I say, my parents brought me up the old-fashioned way, which was you don't invite yourself because that puts people in an uncomfortable situation. I understand some people have a more modern outlook and are ready, willing and able to have guests at any time, but I'm not that geshikt. I like to plan these things in advance, when I know I'll be happy to host. No, I'm sorry, but this week is not going to be a good week for hosting. I'm sorry to disappoint Shloimie, my Chaimke is also disappointed, but hey, kids also need to learn to deal with disappointment. We'll make it another time. Thanks for understanding, Kol tuv. |
I would think this extremely odd but I guess to each their own.
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Rachel Shira
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Sun, Dec 26 2021, 6:21 pm
| amother [ Navy ] wrote: | Just because some snot-nose kid invites himself to my house I have to agree? I think not! And I would die a thousand deaths if I found out one of my kids invited themselves to someone's house.
This scenario has never happened with school-age kids, though I've had singles in their 20s invite themselves to my house for Shabbos meals.
Nevertheless, the convo would go something like this, I imagine:
Hi, this is Rivka Rosen, may I speak to Mrs. Gluck, please? Oh, Mrs. Gluck, I'm Rivka Rosen, my son Chaimke is in your Shloimie's class. How are you? Fine, Baruch Hashem. Looking forward to intersession. I thought you should know that your Shloimie asked me this afternoon if he can come to us for Shabbos. I didn't have the presence of mind at the time to ask him if he had your permission. Oh, you gave him permission to ask? I see. Well, this is rather awkward. You see, I prefer to extend invitations when it's a good time for me. I don't really appreciate people inviting themselves over--no, it's not because Shloimie is a child, I just feel very put on the spot when people ask if they can sleep over. Sometimes I just want to chill out and spend time connecting with just my husband and kids. Sometimes I have exactly enough food in the freezer for the four of us and am planning a stripped-down easy Shabbos with no extra cooking or bedmaking. Sometimes I just don't want to be sociable. That's why I prefer to do the inviting. No, I'm not offended, chas vesholom! I'm delighted that Shloimie feels so comfortable in our company, but I would really prefer that he wait to be invited. What can I say, my parents brought me up the old-fashioned way, which was you don't invite yourself because that puts people in an uncomfortable situation. I understand some people have a more modern outlook and are ready, willing and able to have guests at any time, but I'm not that geshikt. I like to plan these things in advance, when I know I'll be happy to host. No, I'm sorry, but this week is not going to be a good week for hosting. I'm sorry to disappoint Shloimie, my Chaimke is also disappointed, but hey, kids also need to learn to deal with disappointment. We'll make it another time. Thanks for understanding, Kol tuv. |
Is there a reason you don’t say “I’m sorry, this isn’t a good week for hosting, I would love to invite you when it works for us sometime in the future” to begin with? This seems unnecessarily confrontational and awkward (and really uncomfortable for the person on the other end).
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amother
Midnight
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Sun, Dec 26 2021, 6:35 pm
You have no obligation to say yes!
Even when my own kids ask me if they can invite a friend for shabbos I often say no.
A whole shabbos is a long time. It can often be too much for kids.
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amother
Brass
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Sun, Dec 26 2021, 6:59 pm
| Rachel Shira wrote: | | Is there a reason you don’t say “I’m sorry, this isn’t a good week for hosting, I would love to invite you when it works for us sometime in the future” to begin with? This seems unnecessarily confrontational and awkward (and really uncomfortable for the person on the other end). |
Yes - the long explanation is rather insulting. If someone called and spoke to me like this because my kid had suggested sleeping over, I would think the mother was off.
The reality is that the kid probably didn’t think of the idea on his own and approach you by himself. He and your child discussed it and then sought your permission.
Of course you need to speak to the parent if you are okay with them sleeping over.. You need the parent to approve if a sleepover is possible.
But if if it isn’t just tell the child say that this weekend doesn’t work.
If you are serious that you extend an invitation then provide an alternative date.
Why contact the mother at all if the child just casually asked if it was possible? 🤷♀️🤷♀️
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Simple1
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Sun, Dec 26 2021, 7:06 pm
| Rachel Shira wrote: | | Is there a reason you don’t say “I’m sorry, this isn’t a good week for hosting, I would love to invite you when it works for us sometime in the future” to begin with? This seems unnecessarily confrontational and awkward (and really uncomfortable for the person on the other end). |
I agree with the short version. This is what I've done and it worked just fine.
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imacoolmom
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Sun, Dec 26 2021, 8:56 pm
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My teen daughter has a really lovely friend who’s unusually extroverted and loves our family and she asks often to come for Shabbos. It’s never ideal for me personally only because my house is small/I need my privacy/Shabbos is my only time to unwind etc. I almost always say yes though bec this girl is a doll and it makes my daughter happy. I only remember saying no one time when she asked like only 3 hours to Shabbos plus I was exhausted and didn’t think I could handle this girls rambunctiousness ( is that a word). I felt bad but and dd was all huffy at me but dh said you have a right to say no sometimes it’s your house!!
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amother
NeonPink
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Tue, Dec 28 2021, 3:58 pm
| amother [ Navy ] wrote: | Just because some snot-nose kid invites himself to my house I have to agree? I think not! And I would die a thousand deaths if I found out one of my kids invited themselves to someone's house.
This scenario has never happened with school-age kids, though I've had singles in their 20s invite themselves to my house for Shabbos meals.
Nevertheless, the convo would go something like this, I imagine:
Hi, this is Rivka Rosen, may I speak to Mrs. Gluck, please? Oh, Mrs. Gluck, I'm Rivka Rosen, my son Chaimke is in your Shloimie's class. How are you? Fine, Baruch Hashem. Looking forward to intersession. I thought you should know that your Shloimie asked me this afternoon if he can come to us for Shabbos. I didn't have the presence of mind at the time to ask him if he had your permission. Oh, you gave him permission to ask? I see. Well, this is rather awkward. You see, I prefer to extend invitations when it's a good time for me. I don't really appreciate people inviting themselves over--no, it's not because Shloimie is a child, I just feel very put on the spot when people ask if they can sleep over. Sometimes I just want to chill out and spend time connecting with just my husband and kids. Sometimes I have exactly enough food in the freezer for the four of us and am planning a stripped-down easy Shabbos with no extra cooking or bedmaking. Sometimes I just don't want to be sociable. That's why I prefer to do the inviting. No, I'm not offended, chas vesholom! I'm delighted that Shloimie feels so comfortable in our company, but I would really prefer that he wait to be invited. What can I say, my parents brought me up the old-fashioned way, which was you don't invite yourself because that puts people in an uncomfortable situation. I understand some people have a more modern outlook and are ready, willing and able to have guests at any time, but I'm not that geshikt. I like to plan these things in advance, when I know I'll be happy to host. No, I'm sorry, but this week is not going to be a good week for hosting. I'm sorry to disappoint Shloimie, my Chaimke is also disappointed, but hey, kids also need to learn to deal with disappointment. We'll make it another time. Thanks for understanding, Kol tuv. |
this is literally the weirdest thing ive read on imamother in a long time lol
thanks for the laugh
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amother
Viola
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Tue, Dec 28 2021, 4:05 pm
| amother [ Navy ] wrote: | Just because some snot-nose kid invites himself to my house I have to agree? I think not! And I would die a thousand deaths if I found out one of my kids invited themselves to someone's house.
This scenario has never happened with school-age kids, though I've had singles in their 20s invite themselves to my house for Shabbos meals.
Nevertheless, the convo would go something like this, I imagine:
Hi, this is Rivka Rosen, may I speak to Mrs. Gluck, please? Oh, Mrs. Gluck, I'm Rivka Rosen, my son Chaimke is in your Shloimie's class. How are you? Fine, Baruch Hashem. Looking forward to intersession. I thought you should know that your Shloimie asked me this afternoon if he can come to us for Shabbos. I didn't have the presence of mind at the time to ask him if he had your permission. Oh, you gave him permission to ask? I see. Well, this is rather awkward. You see, I prefer to extend invitations when it's a good time for me. I don't really appreciate people inviting themselves over--no, it's not because Shloimie is a child, I just feel very put on the spot when people ask if they can sleep over. Sometimes I just want to chill out and spend time connecting with just my husband and kids. Sometimes I have exactly enough food in the freezer for the four of us and am planning a stripped-down easy Shabbos with no extra cooking or bedmaking. Sometimes I just don't want to be sociable. That's why I prefer to do the inviting. No, I'm not offended, chas vesholom! I'm delighted that Shloimie feels so comfortable in our company, but I would really prefer that he wait to be invited. What can I say, my parents brought me up the old-fashioned way, which was you don't invite yourself because that puts people in an uncomfortable situation. I understand some people have a more modern outlook and are ready, willing and able to have guests at any time, but I'm not that geshikt. I like to plan these things in advance, when I know I'll be happy to host. No, I'm sorry, but this week is not going to be a good week for hosting. I'm sorry to disappoint Shloimie, my Chaimke is also disappointed, but hey, kids also need to learn to deal with disappointment. We'll make it another time. Thanks for understanding, Kol tuv. |
Omg thanks 🤣😂
I needed that today
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amother
Crocus
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Tue, Dec 28 2021, 4:06 pm
| amother [ Navy ] wrote: | Just because some snot-nose kid invites himself to my house I have to agree? I think not! And I would die a thousand deaths if I found out one of my kids invited themselves to someone's house.
This scenario has never happened with school-age kids, though I've had singles in their 20s invite themselves to my house for Shabbos meals.
Nevertheless, the convo would go something like this, I imagine:
Hi, this is Rivka Rosen, may I speak to Mrs. Gluck, please? Oh, Mrs. Gluck, I'm Rivka Rosen, my son Chaimke is in your Shloimie's class. How are you? Fine, Baruch Hashem. Looking forward to intersession. I thought you should know that your Shloimie asked me this afternoon if he can come to us for Shabbos. I didn't have the presence of mind at the time to ask him if he had your permission. Oh, you gave him permission to ask? I see. Well, this is rather awkward. You see, I prefer to extend invitations when it's a good time for me. I don't really appreciate people inviting themselves over--no, it's not because Shloimie is a child, I just feel very put on the spot when people ask if they can sleep over. Sometimes I just want to chill out and spend time connecting with just my husband and kids. Sometimes I have exactly enough food in the freezer for the four of us and am planning a stripped-down easy Shabbos with no extra cooking or bedmaking. Sometimes I just don't want to be sociable. That's why I prefer to do the inviting. No, I'm not offended, chas vesholom! I'm delighted that Shloimie feels so comfortable in our company, but I would really prefer that he wait to be invited. What can I say, my parents brought me up the old-fashioned way, which was you don't invite yourself because that puts people in an uncomfortable situation. I understand some people have a more modern outlook and are ready, willing and able to have guests at any time, but I'm not that geshikt. I like to plan these things in advance, when I know I'll be happy to host. No, I'm sorry, but this week is not going to be a good week for hosting. I'm sorry to disappoint Shloimie, my Chaimke is also disappointed, but hey, kids also need to learn to deal with disappointment. We'll make it another time. Thanks for understanding, Kol tuv. |
Very rude and hurtful in my opinion. I can’t imagine one of my friends’ parents speaking that way.
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amother
NeonPink
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Tue, Dec 28 2021, 4:09 pm
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when I read comments/the thought process of some of the posters here, I always wonder what type of husband they have. like do they think the same? are they as uptight?
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