Spending quality time with dh vs. giving someone a ride

amother

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 10:14 pm

I know there was a thread about this maybe a couple of years ago, but I can't find it and I don't remember what the outcome was. If someone is going to a simcha about an hour away from home and is excited to spend the quality time in the car with their dh, and then someone asks them for a ride to the simcha- should they prioritize their time with their husband, or should they do a chessed and give the person a ride?

Obviously, this is a matter of opinion. Just wondering what everyone thinks.

amother

Mintcream

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 10:15 pm

Prioritize time with your husband. Chessed isn't supposed to come at the expense of things. You can find another time to do a chessed.

amother

Strawberry

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 10:15 pm

I think it's a bigger mitzvah to spend the time with dh. Most couples are so so busy these days and finding time to spend together and maintain your relationship and connection is so hard, but so crucial. It's beneficial to you, your husband, and your kids if applicable.

amother

Strawberry

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 10:16 pm

taketwo wrote:

I vote for quality time with dh.

The time to help someone out with a ride is when you anyway have your kids or others in the car.

Exactly!!!

amother

DarkViolet

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 10:18 pm

I used to feel so guilty saying no.
I was so excited to be alone with my husband and then someone would ask me if they can join and I'd resentfully say yes.
Until I had 2 incidents that I was badly taken advantage of and I learned the hard way to ask myself if I'm doing the right thing by saying yes or no.
Today I mostly say no. Unless I know it's an emergency for some reason or other.

amother

DarkMagenta

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 10:21 pm

I think it really depends on who the person is and how important that time is.
I really enjoy quality time with my DH but the extra drive in the car is just bonus time as we spend many nights hanging out just us.

If the person needs a ride and therefore wouldn't go I'd be willing to give them a ride.

Again you have to assess the whole situation but your not doing the wrong thing by saying no to giving someone a ride.

amother

Papayawhip

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 10:27 pm

It depends on the situation. Both dh & dw should be of the same opinion to do the chessed if yes. It depends on how important the ride is too.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 3:17 am

I know my husband would want to do the chesed of giving someone a ride if they had no other way of getting there. So we would of course give the ride.
Think of the person who wouldnt get to go to the simcha if they couldnt get that ride with you. To me thats an even bigger mitzvah than spending that quality time with your husband.
But thats just my opinon (and my DH's Smile

)

blessedflower

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 3:24 am

Depends how much time you otherwise have with your dh. Depends to stressful my day was.
I'll take into considerations what other options that person has.
I'll be more considerate if it's my grandmother vs a brother-in-law that is lazy to take a bus...
My answer will always be different

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 3:38 am

We don't have a car, but when we do rent out one, it's super exciting for me!
One time we were driving to a wedding 45 min away, and DH took out a car for the day. I had a newborn and 2 yr that we took along to drop off at a babysitter in the city of the wedding.
A woman from our community asked us to ride along to the wedding. Her dh had covid, so she asked our Rav if she should come to the wedding, he said to double mask and ride with us.
I was so annoyed. The entire car ride was awkward.
If I get time in the car with DH (even if my babies were there too) it's special. So for me personally, next time I would say a big NO. I do not wanna be resentful doing chesed.

salt

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 4:18 am

amother [ Mintcream ] wrote:

Prioritize time with your husband. Chessed isn't supposed to come at the expense of things. You can find another time to do a chessed.

This is not true.

About the ride, do as others have said - weigh up how much you and DH need the quality time, etc.
and then give an answer.

But to say chessed is not supposed to come at the expense of other things, well you'll never be doing chessed then.
Giving money to the poor comes at the expense of me not having that money.
Visiting the sick comes at the expense of me not being able to do something at that time.
Hachnassat orchim comes at the expense of having to buy extra food, entertain other people when I could be hanging out just with my DH or family.

The definition of chessed is doing something for others when you could be doing something for yourself.

amother

Chambray

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 4:25 am

amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:

I'm hoping that the Rav didn't volunteer you for this task like it sounds. (also, I would have said no to having this woman in the back seat of my car with my babies for an extended period of time, even double masked).

LovesHashem

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 4:48 am

blessedflower wrote:

This. I mean right now me and DH bh get lots of time to see each other and hang out, and so I totally wouldn't mind giving someone a ride.

But if we had a lot more kids, we were busier, etc - probably wouldn't unless it was a short trip like to the grocery, or somewhere local for errands.

amother

Candycane

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 5:09 am

For me it would depend who. I would never say no to my parents or his parents, grandparents, etc. I would definitely say no to his mother's friend's neighbor.

camp123

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 5:32 am

It's not right to have a policy either way. It obviously depends on many factors.
Some of them
How important to the chosson and kallah that this person is at their wedding.
What other options does this person have to get there.
How much have you had a chance to spend together this week.
How much is giving up this time going to effect you and your marriage.
How often does this happen..
It's not so simply to turn down the opportunity to do a chesed for your own selfish reasons but sometimes it may be necessary.

amother

Blush

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 5:59 am

There's a whole lot of grey space between being a doormat and being selfish. As a rule, we should try to stretch our chessed muscles and help others. But only you know if it's appropriate in a particular situation.

singleagain

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 7:55 am

amother [ Celeste ] wrote:

AYLOR. People are making great assumptions here, based on nothing but their own feelings.

Why is this an ask your rabbi question?

How is this not based on your feelings and where you are in your relationship with dh?

ETA. OP specifically asked for ppl's opinions

FranticFrummie

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 8:02 am

singleagain wrote:

Why is this an ask your rabbi question?

How is this not based on your feelings and where you are in your relationship with dh?

ETA. OP specifically asked for ppl's opinions

THIS, unless maybe it's an issue of kibbud av v'em, and it's a really big deal.

IMHO, the most important thing is that you and DH are on the same page regarding giving up some of your private time. Shalom comes first.