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Spending quality time with dh vs. giving someone a ride
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 1:11 pm
amother [ IndianRed ] wrote:
Depends on the situation. I once got a call from an aquaintance. She wanted to know if I could give a ride to a friend (single woman) she was being m'karev. We were all going to the same wedding. Her friend hadn't ever been to a frum wedding before and didn't know anyone besides this woman (who had hosted her for Shabbos). Anyway she didn't want to go in alone but this woman didn't want to give her a ride because she was going with her husband (this was to a wedding hall that was a 10-15 minute drive away). But she didn't want her friend to miss out on the wedding and a chance to get more kiruv I guess. So she called me (I was single at the time) to ask on behalf of the woman. Of course, I said yes. Well she called back a few minutes later sounding kind of foolish, to say never mind, the woman didn't feel comfortable getting a ride with a total stranger.
But she still didn't give her a ride. I don't know if the woman ever ended up getting to the wedding. I also don't know if that woman ended up becoming religious or not.
I thought then (and I still do) this married woman really could have stretched herself a bit in a situation like this.

I totally agree with you here. This seems to ridiculous, there has to be some other reason the women could not drive her. Be DLKZ and assume she had to go to the mikvah or something on the way home and she just did not want to tell you.
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amother
Freesia


 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 1:27 pm
I've taken many ppl in our car over the years. Before we bought one, it was super expensive to rent.

Think summer, traveling from Brooklyn to Catskills. We would ask them to chip in towards the expenses. There is a phone system in the community for this service.

I didn't find it took away from my privacy. I was usually able to shmooze with dh quietly. OK, so no super private talk, but catching up and general chatting was fine. We didn't do it every trip up, bec waiting for ppl or traveling thru Brooklyn took time.

For us it worked, even now that we own a car, we sometimes do it. It costs at least $50 (gas, toll, 2 ways) to go upstate for shabbos.

Youngish, Kollel couple FTR.
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amother
IndianRed


 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 1:31 pm
watergirl wrote:
I totally agree with you here. This seems to ridiculous, there has to be some other reason the women could not drive her. Be DLKZ and assume she had to go to the mikvah or something on the way home and she just did not want to tell you.

No it was solely about the ride there.

The whole thing was, she was going to introduce this friend around to people at the wedding. To give background information, this was a girl from a Russian background who had been enrolled in our BY in first grade back in the 1980s. Then her parents had taken her out and put her in public school and she had no further contact with the frum world until she was in grad school and started attending a few kiruv things on campus. Our mutual friend was involved in hosting for that kiruv organization so that's how she renewed a friendship with this girl she had last seen over 20 years ago. I don't remember her connection to the couple getting married but somehow she was invited to the wedding. She was hesitant to go, but our mutual friend assured her she'd be there and would reintroduce her around (honestly I had no recollection of her from first grade) to the girls from our grade.

She even told me that a ride home wasn't necessary, it was just the taking her and walking in to the hall together, and the ride home was covered. I thinkher husband was leaving after the chuppah to go to his evening learning session and she herself was getting a ride with another friend so this girl would just go with them, too.
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amother
Arcticblue


 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 1:34 pm
amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:
We don't have a car, but when we do rent out one, it's super exciting for me!
One time we were driving to a wedding 45 min away, and DH took out a car for the day. I had a newborn and 2 yr that we took along to drop off at a babysitter in the city of the wedding.
A woman from our community asked us to ride along to the wedding. Her dh had covid, so she asked our Rav if she should come to the wedding, he said to double mask and ride with us.
I was so annoyed. The entire car ride was awkward.
If I get time in the car with DH (even if my babies were there too) it's special. So for me personally, next time I would say a big NO. I do not wanna be resentful doing chesed.




I just want to say this was wrong in so many ways in regards to the Rav making that decision.
That should have been something you guys decided not the rabbi
I’m upset for you.
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amother
Arcticblue


 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 1:46 pm
Also I will say - as someone who often looked for a ride, I went in with lack of entitlement of a ride. It was super kind of someone to give me a ride - and in no shape or way did I automatically expect that I would get one. I remember the stress of looking for a ride and therefore try to offer rides (even for my wedding I reached out to all guests and asked for people to offer rides if it was feasible).
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 2:02 pm
How about a big ol' "it depends."

I've never really considered driving time as private time with DH. I mean, one of you is paying attention to the road, after all. But I respect that others feel differently.

So weigh it.

It's not a far drive, it's not out of my way, I like the person, sure.

It's out of my way, DH and I really need to discuss what to do about Ruti's grades, she can get a ride from someone else, no.

I've got 2 kids in carseats in the back, the person was exposed to covid, all the nopes in nopeville.

I'd really rather be alone, but its the kallah's bestie who just had eye surgery. Sure, I'll go out of my way.
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gamanit




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 2:17 pm
As someone who got rides to or from numerous weddings when I was a teenager I always try to find out if anyone needs a ride to an OOT simcha we go to. I call the person making the simcha and let them know we plan on leaving the city at X time if they know anyone that wants to join. I know what it was like to be on the receiving end. The last bus of the day is usually at 11pm or so and if these girls don't get a ride home they either have to leave in middle of dancing or pay $$$$ they don't really have for an uber home. I am glad for the times when no one needs a ride and we have time to ourselves but the reason I'm going to a simcha is for the baalei simcha. Otherwise I stay home.
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amother
Petunia


 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 2:32 pm
gamanit wrote:
As someone who got rides to or from numerous weddings when I was a teenager I always try to find out if anyone needs a ride to an OOT simcha we go to. I call the person making the simcha and let them know we plan on leaving the city at X time if they know anyone that wants to join. I know what it was like to be on the receiving end. The last bus of the day is usually at 11pm or so and if these girls don't get a ride home they either have to leave in middle of dancing or pay $$$$ they don't really have for an uber home. I am glad for the times when no one needs a ride and we have time to ourselves but the reason I'm going to a simcha is for the baalei simcha. Otherwise I stay home.

I love your attitude!
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doodlesmom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 2:38 pm
I give rides many times, but sometimes we choose to go to a simcha because of the private time we will have in the car, and in such occasions I decline. If it’s not private I would stay home….
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Blessing1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 2:39 pm
amother [ Petunia ] wrote:
I'm actually shocked by the prevailing attitude on this thread. Maybe it's because I live in EY, where gas is expensive, parking is hard to find, and not everyone has a car (or 3). But IMO ride-sharing should be assumed when going to a simcha! It's bad for the environment for every couple to take their own car. Plus, there are always single people who don't have a car - and don't have money to take taxis everywhere! You want a date with your spouse? Plan one. Don't have money for a restaurant meal? Just go for a drive, sure. But when you're invited to a simcha it should be expected that you'll be asked for rides, and you should be happy to be able to help out! Personally I don't love driving, so often when I'm invited to a Simcha and my husband can't go, I ask other couples for a ride. Could I take my own car and drive alone? Technically I usually could. Or cough up a few hundred shekels each way for a taxi? But why should I have to? This attitude is very hard for me to understand.


I actually find the attitude you're describing shocking and entitled. Expecting & assuming others to give you a ride because you don't want to drive in, gas is expensive, don't have money for taxi....... "Why should I have to spend money on a taxi when a couple is a anyways going with their car" comes across as entitled attitude.
I get that different communities have different standards. But giving a ride is a huge favor and shouldn't be assumed or expected.
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amother
Petunia


 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 2:53 pm
Blessing1 wrote:
I actually find the attitude you're describing shocking and entitled. Expecting & assuming others to give you a ride because you don't want to drive in, gas is expensive, don't have money for taxi....... "Why should I have to spend money on a taxi when a couple is a anyways going with their car" comes across as entitled attitude.
I get that different communities have different standards. But giving a ride is a huge favor and shouldn't be assumed or expected.

Okay. I don't see it that way. We'll have to agree to disagree. If I'm driving anyway with an empty car, why wouldn't I let some people fill the empty seats? And if I'm not driving, why wouldn't someone else let me fill their empty seats? It's not just about gas being expensive, it's so bad for the environment for every couple to drive a half-empty minivan, instead of riding together.

For the record, it's also fairly standard where I live to offer money towards gas when you get a ride with someone. It is not, however, standard to pay hundreds of shekels for a taxi to get to a simcha. We either find someone driving, or we drive. I don't know anyone who'd take a taxi unless it was a close family member and there was no other way to get there.

I don't think I'm being entitled. Sometimes I drive. If I do, I'm happy to take whoever needs a ride. If I don't want to drive I look for someone else driving. I said I think ride *sharing* should be a given, not ride *schnorring*.

Would you seriously drive to a simcha in an empty car, while your next-door neighbor comes by taxi? You wouldn't offer a ride? I find that strange.
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amother
IndianRed


 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 3:09 pm
Blessing1 wrote:
I actually find the attitude you're describing shocking and entitled. Expecting & assuming others to give you a ride because you don't want to drive in, gas is expensive, don't have money for taxi....... "Why should I have to spend money on a taxi when a couple is a anyways going with their car" comes across as entitled attitude.
I get that different communities have different standards. But giving a ride is a huge favor and shouldn't be assumed or expected.

I think a lot depends on where you live. For example if you live somewhere where only a few people drive/have cars, and those people are always asked for rides it is understandable that they feel overburdened at times. Also I find that people who don't drive at all, don't really understand how asking for rides with regular everyday errands can really add on to the driver.
However, if you live in an area where most people drive but sometimes have reasons why they need a ride, it's a different story.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 3:11 pm
amother [ IndianRed ] wrote:
I think a lot depends on where you live. For example if you live somewhere where only a few people drive/have cars, and those people are always asked for rides it is understandable that they feel overburdened at times. Also I find that people who don't drive at all, don't really understand how asking for rides with regular everyday errands can really add on to the driver.
However, if you live in an area where most people drive but sometimes have reasons why they need a ride, it's a different story.

This.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 3:20 pm
amother [ Petunia ] wrote:
I'm actually shocked by the prevailing attitude on this thread. Maybe it's because I live in EY, where gas is expensive, parking is hard to find, and not everyone has a car (or 3). But IMO ride-sharing should be assumed when going to a simcha! It's bad for the environment for every couple to take their own car. Plus, there are always single people who don't have a car - and don't have money to take taxis everywhere! You want a date with your spouse? Plan one. Don't have money for a restaurant meal? Just go for a drive, sure. But when you're invited to a simcha it should be expected that you'll be asked for rides, and you should be happy to be able to help out! Personally I don't love driving, so often when I'm invited to a Simcha and my husband can't go, I ask other couples for a ride. Could I take my own car and drive alone? Technically I usually could. Or cough up a few hundred shekels each way for a taxi? But why should I have to? This attitude is very hard for me to understand.

Maybe this was the planned date? Maybe there is no other time? Sometimes it's ok to put yourself first! And some chassodim don't work for everyone.
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amother
Arcticblue


 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 3:21 pm
amother [ Petunia ] wrote:
Okay. I don't see it that way. We'll have to agree to disagree. If I'm driving anyway with an empty car, why wouldn't I let some people fill the empty seats? And if I'm not driving, why wouldn't someone else let me fill their empty seats? It's not just about gas being expensive, it's so bad for the environment for every couple to drive a half-empty minivan, instead of riding together.

For the record, it's also fairly standard where I live to offer money towards gas when you get a ride with someone. It is not, however, standard to pay hundreds of shekels for a taxi to get to a simcha. We either find someone driving, or we drive. I don't know anyone who'd take a taxi unless it was a close family member and there was no other way to get there.

I don't think I'm being entitled. Sometimes I drive. If I do, I'm happy to take whoever needs a ride. If I don't want to drive I look for someone else driving. I said I think ride *sharing* should be a given, not ride *schnorring*.

Would you seriously drive to a simcha in an empty car, while your next-door neighbor comes by taxi? You wouldn't offer a ride? I find that strange.


Perhaps reframe that visual of the empty car and rather view it with a visual of a car that someone needing to do something on the way to the wedding (ie have a conversation with their spouse).
If your next door neighbor is also attending the wedding, there is a large chance that other neighbors are also attending - there shouldn’t be anything wrong with the neighbor asking you but there also shouldn’t be anything wrong with you saying no (all with amble notice!)
As uncomfortable as it is to give a ride when you don’t want to - it’s also uncomfortable to be given a ride when you or company isnt wanted
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amother
IndianRed


 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 3:25 pm
Because I live in a place where almost everyone drives, I know if someone asks for a ride, it is really needed. It's a real chessed vs a favor if that makes sense. I don't put the burden on the person asking to "prove" why they really need it.
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Blessing1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 3:32 pm
amother [ Petunia ] wrote:
Okay. I don't see it that way. We'll have to agree to disagree. If I'm driving anyway with an empty car, why wouldn't I let some people fill the empty seats? And if I'm not driving, why wouldn't someone else let me fill their empty seats? It's not just about gas being expensive, it's so bad for the environment for every couple to drive a half-empty minivan, instead of riding together.

For the record, it's also fairly standard where I live to offer money towards gas when you get a ride with someone. It is not, however, standard to pay hundreds of shekels for a taxi to get to a simcha. We either find someone driving, or we drive. I don't know anyone who'd take a taxi unless it was a close family member and there was no other way to get there.

I don't think I'm being entitled. Sometimes I drive. If I do, I'm happy to take whoever needs a ride. If I don't want to drive I look for someone else driving. I said I think ride *sharing* should be a given, not ride *schnorring*.

Would you seriously drive to a simcha in an empty car, while your next-door neighbor comes by taxi? You wouldn't offer a ride? I find that strange.


I get that giving rides is common in your community. But the attitude of "why wouldn't someone let me fill the empty seats in their car" to be entitled. People have different reasons for not wanting to give rides and it shouldn't be assumed or expected.
We give rides to/from local weddings in the neighborhood. Long distance trips is usually our time. (Unless we need to give a ride to parents.)
I'd feel uncomfortable with someone else in my car for long distance trips.
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amother
Petunia


 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 3:34 pm
amother [ Arcticblue ] wrote:
Perhaps reframe that visual of the empty car and rather view it with a visual of a car that someone needing to do something on the way to the wedding (ie have a conversation with their spouse).
If your next door neighbor is also attending the wedding, there is a large chance that other neighbors are also attending - there shouldn’t be anything wrong with the neighbor asking you but there also shouldn’t be anything wrong with you saying no (all with amble notice!)
As uncomfortable as it is to give a ride when you don’t want to - it’s also uncomfortable to be given a ride when you or company isnt wanted

Right, of course if you aren't leaving the person stranded you don't have to be the one to take them. There were posts on this thread saying the person should not even ask for a ride, and they should just take a taxi. You definitely don't always have to say yes. Just consider the other person's needs, and not only your own, before saying no.
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mom39




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 3:35 pm
Just wondering - to anyone who says they would not give a ride to someone else because of alone time or any other reason - do you ask other people for a ride? My neighbor (a)was looking for a ride for herself to a wedding about an hour drive away and asked a friend (b)for a ride. Afterwards, it turned out that her (a) husband was able to go and drive her but her friend's husband (b) couldn't go. The friend (b)asked if my neighbor (a) could take her and she said no. She told me she wanted private time.....
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Blessing1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 27 2021, 3:38 pm
mom39 wrote:
Just wondering - to anyone who says they would not give a ride to someone else because of alone time or any other reason - do you ask other people for a ride? My neighbor (a)was looking for a ride for herself to a wedding about an hour drive away and asked a friend (b)for a ride. Afterwards, it turned out that her (a) husband was able to go and drive her but her friend's husband (b) couldn't go. The friend (b)asked if my neighbor (a) could take her and she said no. She told me she wanted private time.....


I've never asked for a ride. I take the bus or a car service if we can't drive in. I feel more comfortable on the bus than in someone else's car.
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