Spending quality time with dh vs. giving someone a ride

amother

Petunia

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 3:42 pm

Blessing1 wrote:

I get that giving rides is common in your community. But the attitude of "why wouldn't someone let me fill the empty seats in their car" to be entitled. People have different reasons for not wanting to give rides and it shouldn't be assumed or expected.
We give rides to/from local weddings in the neighborhood. Long distance trips is usually our time. (Unless we need to give a ride to parents.)
I'd feel uncomfortable with someone else in my car for long distance trips.

I don't think it's entitled, because I feel the same way when I'm the one driving. I think it's normal, and fair, to give rides. And to ask for them. If someone doesn't feel comfortable giving rides, they should not have to. But the vibe I got from many on this thread was that it's wrong to ask, and it's no big deal to say no, and leave the person without a ride.

A couple I know was driving from my city to a shabbos simcha in another city, that can't be reached easily by bus. They were asked by the baalei simcha to take a single relative in their car, someone who's here as a student and has no transport. Honestly I think it would be a very rare circumstance when it's okay to say no, just because they were looking forward to the time alone together. Someone needs a ride, they have no other reasonable way to get there, and you're going anyway. How could you say no?

I think it's just part of being decent. And, honestly, this is really not an EY thing. This is for sure the way we did things where I grew go, too. In NJ.

amother

Petunia

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 3:45 pm

Blessing1 wrote:

I've never asked for a ride. I take the bus or a car service if we can't drive in. I feel more comfortable on the bus than in someone else's car.

This is interesting. We're obviously coming from two very different cultures. I guess you do you, and I'll do me.

amother

Poppy

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 3:48 pm

Blessing1 wrote:

I'd hazard a guess that the majority of posters prioritizing rides over anything else either don't have cars, or do have the luxury of having other private times with their dh.

amother

Valerian

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 3:51 pm

I also never see my husband, and I also cherish whatever moments we get alone - which are very few and far between. We barely even see each other on shabbos, especially during these short ones.

And yet, those times when I've been privileged to do a chesed for someone else by driving them in our car, it's so wonderful to see my husband in action, making small talk with someone and putting them at ease. To me, watching him in this way makes me love him even more. And I know he feels similarly.

My husband does hatzolah. He's barely ever home, even when he is. And yet it's his happiest moments, to give to someone else that needed him. I don't begrudge anyone else asking us for favors (and often the hatzalah call turns out to be nothing. And that's okay!) I find that people who give, and give as a couple, find ways to grow close with each other and not necessarily by sitting together and talking for an hour.

amother

Coral

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 4:04 pm

mom39 wrote:

Just wondering - to anyone who says they would not give a ride to someone else because of alone time or any other reason - do you ask other people for a ride? My neighbor (a)was looking for a ride for herself to a wedding about an hour drive away and asked a friend (b)for a ride. Afterwards, it turned out that her (a) husband was able to go and drive her but her friend's husband (b) couldn't go. The friend (b)asked if my neighbor (a) could take her and she said no. She told me she wanted private time.....

In that case I’d feel obligated to say yes

amother

Coral

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 4:08 pm

amother [ Petunia ] wrote:

Honestly I think it would be a very rare circumstance when it's okay to say no, just because they were looking forward to the time alone together. Someone needs a ride, they have no other reasonable way to get there, and you're going anyway. How could you say no

It’s not a “just because” situation. It’s a valid reason. Maybe you see your husband more often than I do. Maybe you have more alone time. Maybe you have less of a need for it. My needs are not less important than whoever needs the ride. The fact that they don’t have one is not my problem. How would they get there if I wasn’t going?

amother

Latte

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 5:26 pm

amother [ Petunia ] wrote:

But you said you don’t like driving and rarely drive. In general it’s easier to be generous with other peoples time and resources.

my mama

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 5:33 pm

When I was a newlywed an aunt bullied us into taking her kids 'home' from an event. She just wanted her kids to get home earlier and have her own car to herself. She actually said 'you guys are young and spend a lot of time together, it doesn't matter to you'.

It was mikvah night and we had barely spent time together because of hectic work schedules.

Dont make assumptions based on your understanding of things.

amother

Poppy

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 5:41 pm

amother [ Valerian ] wrote:

This is beautiful. But this is you - and this is what works for you. What about another woman in your place, who doesn't get all warmed up and fuzzy by seeing her dh in action. That other woman may need the dh's time and conversation to get her all warmed up and fuzzy inside.

In your case, you absolutely should be doing this chessed at all times as it serves a dual purpose. You get to do chesed AND you get to feel closer to your dh. So for you it doesn't come down to a choice between the two. But what about the person who does need to make a choice between the two? Shalom Bayis and a relationship between dh and dw is just as important - or rather more important - than doing a chesed.

amother

Strawberry

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 5:49 pm

And what about someone like my husband, who is a shy introvert and won't talk if someone else is in the car? Yes, he does have social anxiety.
So even if someone is all the way in the back, we can't just talk quietly and have conversation.
Besides for which, we often use car rides for conversations that we CAN'T have in front of other people, since at home the kids are usually around.

Prioritizing your marriage, your relationship, and your husband is not selfish. Why does random stranger take precedence over my husband's needs? Yes, he needs time with me and we really struggle to find time.

amother

IndianRed

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 5:54 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

What country do people live in that they can’t take a bus/train / Uber for adults to need to go around calling for rides? I would expect a child to ask for a ride but to me it just seems immature to not be able to take public transport

Some places do not have reliable or safe public transport. Especially if you live in a suburban area.

amother

Gray

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 6:02 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

Some of the responses refer to multi-hour voyages. And the others are probably referring to the suburbs with very limited public transportation.

gamanit

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 6:38 pm

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

It may be a valid reason and you don't have to give a ride to anyone. You may want to consider the other side though. To answer your question at the end the answer might be:

1) They won't. Getting a ride is their only option so they'll stay home.
2) They'll pay big bucks for a taxi or Uber which they can't really afford.
3) They'll go by public transit and leave early not to miss the bus/train home plus walk the distance to and from the bus stop to the hall which is often around a mile.
4) They'll continue making phone calls until they find someone more generous than you.

I don't generally offer rides for local simchas where the cost of a taxi is only $10.

amother

Poppy

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 7:50 pm

gamanit wrote:

Exactly - there are two sides to this equation. Each side has very valid points, hence there is no one set answer to this. Every person should evaluate their own situation as it presents itself, and no one can judge the other party without having full insight.

There's no right or wrong here.

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 11:52 pm

Personally, I dont go to many weddings, but when I do book a babysitter it's because I'm looking forward to a night out and a long drive together. So when someone asks for a ride, either I'll say no, or I'll just scratch the whole thing. I dont need to pay a babysitter to take a car full of people or even one person. Obviously this is only when the wedding is not so important. For a really close simcha we always give rides, but those simchas where we can skip but we choose to go, I just find a way to say no because the ride is more important to me than the simcha.

So I totally understand those who say no. It comes from a place of desperately needing to just be with your husband in undisturbed territory. And sometimes you just want to scream NOOO. just NOOO. If you dont know this feeling, it probably means you spend enough time together and dont need this alone time, or your middos are just very solid and your come after everyone.

amother

Petunia

Tue, Dec 28 2021, 1:02 am

amother [ Latte ] wrote:

But you said you don’t like driving and rarely drive. In general it’s easier to be generous with other peoples time and resources.

Not quite. When my husband isn't coming to the simcha, I will first look for a ride. If none is available, I will look for a passenger so I don't have to drive alone. If my husband is coming, he drives. And if someone asks for a ride we take them. I'm not being generous with others' resources, it just never occurred to me that someone wouldn't want to share a ride. It's a different mentality.

amother

Petunia

Tue, Dec 28 2021, 1:05 am

amother [ Poppy ] wrote:

I'd hazard a guess that the majority of posters prioritizing rides over anything else either don't have cars, or do have the luxury of having other private times with their dh.

Wrong. I live in a world where private car is often the only way to get places. If someone doesn't have access to a car, they'll either rent a car, or find someone to ride with. Personally, I have a car. When I can use it to help others I feel priveleged to do so. As far as time with my husband, trust me, I *never* have alone time with my husband. Once or twice a year, we make the time to go out. But I just never thought of a ride to someone's simcha as a chance for alone time with my husband.

amother

Cantaloupe

Wed, Dec 29 2021, 8:45 pm

amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:

We don't have a car, but when we do rent out one, it's super exciting for me!
One time we were driving to a wedding 45 min away, and DH took out a car for the day. I had a newborn and 2 yr that we took along to drop off at a babysitter in the city of the wedding.
A woman from our community asked us to ride along to the wedding. Her dh had covid, so she asked our Rav if she should come to the wedding, he said to double mask and ride with us.
I was so annoyed. The entire car ride was awkward.
If I get time in the car with DH (even if my babies were there too) it's special. So for me personally, next time I would say a big NO. I do not wanna be resentful doing chesed.

Are you part of a cult or something? Your rav decides who gives who rides to weddings?