Dd12 won't shower regularly

amother

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 11:03 pm

She showered Thursday. She didn't want to Friday cuz she just showered. I told her to shower motzei shabbos and she didn't. I told her she absolutely must tonight and she didn't! I woke her up and told her to set an alarm early enough tomorrow that she showers before school.
My husband spoke to her last week about her body odor which is unpleasant.
She has the American Girl Book on puberty which talks about showering. No matter how much she is told to, she ignores it. She has been bathed at least every second night of her life since birth. This avoidance started in the last few weeks.
What do I do? She is my oldest.

amother

Peru

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 11:08 pm

Can you get to the bottom of WHY she doesn't want to?
There has to be a reason.
I have dealt with this with my dd.
Is it anxiety? At one point my dd was nervous because the showerhead was making funny noises.
My dd has adhd and sometimes she finds it sooooo overwhelming to do all the steps necessary to take a shower.

You need to find out the reason before you can come up with solutions.
Have you asked her why?

amother

Papayawhip

Sun, Dec 26 2021, 11:11 pm

Can you ask her what she doesn't like about showering?

Maybe she has/had her period and finds it gross.
Maybe the shower water pressure started bothering her.
Maybe she doesn't like the smell of the shampoo.
Maybe there are bugs in the bathroom that she is avoiding.
Maybe she has hair on her legs and it bothers her to look at it.
Maybe her hair has gotten harder to wash and she doesn't want to do it.
Maybe she is annoyed at you (parents) in general and this is her way of rebelling.

12 years old is old enough to talk to her.

If you don't think she'll go for face-to-face, try texting her about it, talking about it as you drive in a car at night, or writing her a letter asking her to tell you why.

Let her know you're not angry but there are a million possibilities for why she doesn't want to take showers anymore, but it's important and you want to do whatever possible to help her so it's not such a chore.

amother

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 6:58 am

amother [ Papayawhip ] wrote:

Thanks I found this helpful. I will try to ha d a nonconfrontational talk about why.

imasinger

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 7:06 am

If she doesn't come forth with a reason you can help her with, you may need to explain to her that showers are more important once a person is out of childhood. Sometimes, this is just about a kid feeling the need to assert independence.

Tell her what you and DH do (she may not know if you shower when she's asleep), and tell her she's expected to do the same.

Help her understand that it's necessary, and you'll help offer as many choices as you can -- buying her own choice of shampoo, choosing her time of day, etc.

And if necessary, don't be afraid to put some consequences in place. "If you want ___ from me, you'll shower first." Ultimately, this is a habit, and once it's set, becomes a non issue.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 7:09 am

Mazel Tov, you have a tweenager! Very Happy

DD started playing her favorite music in the shower, and singing along. After that, she never looked back. Now the shower is her "safe place". LOL

In the summer, she showers before school, after school, and before bed. In the winter she showers in the morning and before bed. It helped to let her pick out all of her own bathroom products, because she is very sensitive to smells. The way things smell affect your mood a LOT more than people think.

When your DD comes out of the shower, compliment her on how nice she smells, and praise her good taste in picking out such a yummy shampoo, body wash, or whatever. An "all in one" shower product might help, because having so many bottles can get overwhelming. Some kids do better if they have one product that will work "from top to toe".

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 10:57 am

Is it cold in your home? I used to hate showering at that age because my parents kept the heat too low to save money and I would freeze with wet hair that took hours to dry. I had to beg them to turn up the heat on shower nights.

amother

Narcissus

Mon, Dec 27 2021, 12:56 pm

I had this too with my dd12. For her, she didn't like the randomness of us telling her when to shower (a lot of times it was when I noticed how oily her hair was, so she felt bad) so we set up which nights are shower nights. This worked for my dd because she felt in control, but it really depends on what's bothering your dd about showering, like others have mentioned.
I also think making her feel special and feminine, like taking just her to the store and she can choose her shampoo, body soap, whatever, might add some positivity and excitement to this annoying chore.
This is such a hard one because you can't just let her go on not showering, so I hope it goes well for you and dd!